To feel like we still live in the 1950’s sometimes

[Psychgrad]

I just got back to work after being married and on leave for a few days. One colleague assumed that I had changed my name and said ‘so your mrs what now?’ When I told him I’m not changing my name, he was shocked and proceeded to discuss this with me in the middle of the hospital ward (I work in a hospital) and giggled at me as if I was being silly and rebellious. He then tried to mansplain (is that how it’s spelt?) the reasons why it’s important to take your husbands name. I didn’t really have time to have a debate as I was on my way to see a patient and had really only greeted him with a big hello since I’ve been off for a few days. I feel taken aback by this comment and am annoyed that I wasn’t ready with a better argument as to why I hadn’t taken my husband’s name.I think it’s quite old fashioned and sexist that a woman has to take her husband’s name and I’m surprised that people just assume that a woman would just take their husbands name in this day and age. I’m 35, with a professional career, therefore I can make my own choices and don’t really need to explain it. Apparently I do though!! Plus the tradition of taking your husbands name comes from times where your father would ‘give you away’ to another man therefore you took his name. I didn’t have a traditional wedding, nobody gave me away. Why are we so progressive as women but yet we are still expected to take our husbands names?

I can’t get past the fact that you went back to nursing (which I assume is your job, as the only role for women in a hospital?) after you got married. How undignified. 😉

It's weird that many women will more readily give up their independence than their surname.

Well your assumptions are wrong dear because I’m not a nurse. Far from it in fact.

Scandalous! Surely your father didn’t allow you to… s…s…study? With men?! Did he not worry you would be corrupted? What sort of model are you setting for our daughters with your uppity far-from-a-nurse ways? For shame.

This is such an old dated issue. Has he been living under a rock? I never changed my surname, never had any problems, if other people ever had a problem with it they had to adjust (eg having to re-write cheques because they'd written it in the wrong name etc).
If he mentions it again I'd tell him it's none of his business. You don't have to justify it to a random colleague.

I’m an independent married woman and I couldn’t wait to change my name, it was the next chapter of my life and I couldn’t wait to start it

That doesn't even begin to explain why you changed your name. Wasn't your husband also on a journey?

Eh?

It was a joke, obviously! I’m married, have 3 DCs, and work 50-70 hour weeks in a massively male-dominated industry.

None of the names are real....

My mother had a birth surname (Smith) and a foster surname (West). She named me after the foster surname (West). Which is weird, because she later reverted to her original birth surname (Smith). I never met the foster family as a child.

My younger siblings had their fathers' surname (Tate).

However, I actually ended up living with my mother's birth mother (she was given up by choice, and later reconciled with BM as an adult). My maternal grandmother had originally been Smith after her first husband, but remarried so was now Lanes.

So, I was the only West. My mother was Smith, my siblings were Tate, my grandparents were Lanes. I felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I changed to Lanes by choice when I was 8.

So, while discussion on what it sexist or not is a relevant convo, I don't agree that "surnames don't matter" and children don't care about having different surnames per se. It certaintly bothered me that my surname didn't match anyone.

That being said, I don't think I'd have felt that way if my mother hadn't returned to Smith for some inexplicable reason. Why name me West just to leave me on my own and abandon the name? Strange behaviour. I think it's nice to share a name with someone. Who it is doesn't really matter, I guess.

I'd quite like to take my DPs name if we marry. I've considered him taking mine but... 1) he's an only child and the name dies with him, whereas my new surname (that I took from grandmother and step-grandfather) is shared by my uncle and cousin's so won't die with me. 2) My new surname is very, very, very common, whereas my DPs isn't. 3) His surname is just "cooler" (compare West to, say Tempest... I'd pick Tempest!)

Isn't feminism about choice? I wasn't that keen on my surname before marriage, and it was a pain to spell. My husband's surname was much better! And my so-called 'maiden name' was my father's anyway, so that was all pretty patriarchal. I am strongly feminist and was well aware of the issues, and I was very happy with my choice to change it, still am.

Why is your husband's surname his, but yours is your father's? Surely by this 'logic', you took your father-in-law's name?

Well aware of the issues, really? That seems unlikely given your assumption that men own their names, and women never do.

I agree, and am quite disappointed in all my friends (married in their early/mid 30s, educated, independent women) who ALL bloody changed their names

Why on earth would you be "disappointed"? It's absolutely nothing to do with you whether your friends change their names or not. Get over yourself.

I don't have the same name as my children. It's literally never been a problem. I didn't like the symbolism of being handed over from one man's name to another. I was older getting married too and didn't see the point in changing my name. I've also always been Ms, when I was single, then married, then if I'm single again.

Your colleague is out of touch and rude. It is none of his business.

Btw I don't care if my friends do change their name, it's their choice. Although my school mum friends call me Mrs husband's name. I'm not sure if they're trying to wind me up or because they think I'm eccentric though.

I'm just pointing out that my name came from my father. He was a bit of an asshole, my parents divorced young. Also it was a nightmare to spell, so I didn't feel very attached to his name. My mum ditched his name too. So yeah, I was happy to take my husband's name, its pretty cool and goes well with my first name. Either way in our society ,most women get their surname from a man. It was my choice to ditch the surname I got from my dad for one I got from my husband, and isn't feminism about choice?

Meh. He expressed an option. Probably badly. Just ignore. It’s still a cultural norm. You definitely don’t have to. I did and glad I did. For me it’s about being a family unit (even when we didn’t have kids). For you, keeping your name is important. Each to their own.

@Psychgrad

I took my husbands name when we married but because I wanted to not because it's tradition.

However I have many many clients who use their own name (not saying maiden name as that reeks of old school Aswell ) in a professional manner as they are career people and have built that career on their own name.

So from a professional perspective colleague was being a dick and from a personal perspective we should all be able to use whichever friggin name we want

I am a professional person in my own right as an individual like you and many of us but there are still a fuck ton of men out there (my fil included ) that treat women like second class citizens

Luckily I spend no time with him and his toxic attitude

The best comment I ever got from him was have a nice day at your social life and the response was my social life as you call it pays the bills and living 50/50 with dh salary.

That shut him up

Weird to take one person's view and make a sweeping statement.

I'm not sure where you got the idea we're progressive anyway.

You got married. That's quite a traditional and outdated thing, isn't it? It makes some financial/legal sense, though less so, as far as I'm concerned, if you're not planning children.

On the double barrelling of children's names, it's just creating a greater challenge for the next generation when they go on to have their own children.

Surely you can see that the “preference” for women to take their husband’s name and the expectation in society means that that element of society hasn’t evolved, is completely unequal and values the identity of being a wife over a woman as an individual.

OP you’re not wrong. Like a Pp I find it maddening and baffling that so many women unquestioningly do this.

According to my brother a woman's name changes automatically on marriage. When I asked exactly how that works (eg how do the bank know automatically) he said "well you wouldn't understand because no one's ever married you"

My friend is German and in her culture, women don’t typically take the husbands name and children take the mothers name.

In Germany Children take the mothers name automatically if the parents are unmarried, by law, unless a name declaration is made. Since 1977 a married couple can opt to take either name but not a double barrelled name.

Although this sounds very progressive there are fewer naming restrictions in the UK than in Germany where they have laws for everything, including naming. As far as I can tell there is nothing to stop you or anyone from keeping their pre-marriage name or giving their kids a double-barrelled name. In Germany the latter is not permitted.

I know several people who have done what you have. It sounds like your colleague is just a bit annoying. Ignore him!

I'm all for women keeping their names or couples inventing new names.

Its an odd tradition that doesnt make sense.

I changed my name because I was young when i got married (20 years ago) and it was much more the norm to change your name than it is now. I dont think i would if i was getting married now.

I am so happy to be a Mrs and have my husbands name. I am proud of it.

I think it a bit weird that you think it’s a good idea for children to take their mothers surname. Why? I mean why more than their fathers? It reds like you think women are automatically more of a parent than their male partners.

As far as naming goes, not changing your name was pretty unremarkable 25 years ago so it’s a change if people are now particularly vocal about it. You don’t need a great explanation on the tip of your tongue. Just carry on doing what you do, I doubt anyone gives it a second thought. Weird opinionated man may just have been trying to make “wedding related conversation” or may have niche (and boring) thoughts to share on the subject.

According to my brother a woman's name changes automatically on marriage. When I asked exactly how that works (eg how

You told him he is wrong, right? Names don't automatically change. Does he not believe you? Can't be look it up?