Dd shown Porn in school, help needed.

[RowanAspenOak]

My dd is 16. (Am regular poster in FWR but have name changed to protect my dd.). She is very unhappy at school, there are a few reasons, but last night she was very upset and literally shaking with stress, and she said “it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff “ . We talked more and then she told me that pre lockdown (she hasn’t been on the bus since then) boys on the bus would watch porn, showing it openly, pass it around, show the girls, some of whom laughed it off ( dd thinks in a wanting to look cool in front of the boys way). Some boys would deliberately show stuff to dd, a very overweight woman having sex, who they all mocked in disgust, other clips including extreme animal cruelty which she has had nightmares about since.
In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff”. Dd is a year younger, I think this partly fuelled this boy. His mother is a solicitor! I actually think he may be the new head boy, i need to check.
Had she told me at the time I think I would have gone to the police. I have a younger dd who I obviously want to protect too.
She is really distressed. I asked why she didn’t tell me at the time, and she said partly because it was so constant and normalised, I also think partly because she knew I would go to the school and she was frightened of being bullied more.
So I need to talk to the school, obviously. Could I ask for any thoughts or advice ? Surely it is a safeguarding issue with such young children on the bus ? No adult woman would put up with this at work, yet really young girls are having to deal with this on the bus and in school itself. Is this a local authority issue, a governers issue, I am not sure where to start.
I should say I really like the school, they have been very supportive over the years, have tried their hardest through the nightmare of the pandemic, and they have great teaching staff. They have a female head who is excellent. I am just not sure how to tackle it as it isn’t just one boy, it is loads of the boys. A friend’s seemingly nice son was one of the boys passing round the extreme animal torture.
Any advice welcome.

This makes me so angry.

it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff

No wonder she doesn't want to be there. This is highly hostile, misogynistic environment even for an adult woman, nevermind a girl her age.

In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff

Not sure if he has the capacity yet to realise how fucked-up this is, but this is deeply abusive.

This is a very large task to take on, so you need to brace yourself. It requires a school-wide effort, starting with the headmistress to tackle this. They wouldn't tolerate racism yes? Or harassment of disabled pupils? Well if they want to maintain any shred of believability that they care about girls and their education, this needs to be dealt with, robustly.

Please tell her she has my support. This post almost made me cry. What's she's going through now might be one of the most difficult times in her life. In school, there are often no real consequences for this type of behaviour, and so she has no choice but to be around boys she find abusive, unsafe or disgusting. Plenty of fucked-up things happen in the workplace. It can be ignored yes, but it many places you could lose your job and lose your reference if you acted like this, and that's serious.

School buses can be a lawless nightmare, but if this is affecting her education and involves other pupils from the same school, it is their responsibility to address that.

@CrasterKipper

I would definitely speak up about it and take it further. Your poor DD will not be the only one who is really upset about this - girls and boys will be wanting this to stop and not knowing how or feeling able to make it stop in that environment. There will be lots of others who feel unable to act other than to laugh along whilst being upset inside.

I was 19 when I was first shown 'hilarious' hardcore porn by other girls on a girl's holiday and I've never really got over the shock and horror of it. Even at 19 I sort of laughed along and quietly retreated to a corner for a drink, totally unsure what to do or say. At 15/16 you don't stand a chance.

I dread this sort of thing when my DC are that age.

Good luck with the school.

I question if they found it that 'hilarous'. Although I'm not doubting some would, I think some girls are so horrified by what they see that they don't know what to make of it, so they nervously copy the reactions of others.

Also, girls showing their friends porn? On holiday??? That's just so weird!!

@GotToGoBye

This is so awful for her. It’s great you have got it out of her now. I hope school respond robustly, but I feel sorry for them having to deal with this too. It’s so totally unfair on girls/young women.

I didn’t even know there was a “thing” called bestiality until I read about it in the bible in university (reading for interest) and I was so horrified, I can’t imagine being actually shown it, against my will, in-front of a laughing crowd, never mind at 16! I’m both sad and angry for her!

FUCKINHELL @GotToGoBye

There were similar types of people at college who would visit a certain type of website to view all kinds of sick things? Why? For some kind of sick thrill? To show others how cool, tough or psychopathic they were? I thought they were pathetic. Sick in the head.

No trains here, and really no other good school options. She is in Welsh medium education and very much wants to continue that, but even if she was happy to shift to english there wouldn’t be another decent choice.
I am hoping that now all her cohort are turning 18 they will be more focused on getting their A level grades. She does have a couple of girls she can chat to.

I hear your situation and understand, and if she doesn't want to move school then she's more than old enough to make that decision.

But for A levels she does need to be in school as much as she can (although a lot of that will depend on what subjects she is doing) as she'll get a lot out of the teachers as well as just the textbooks if they re any good.

In which case I would also be talking to the school about how to make the next year bearable for her. For example, can they find a place where she can spend breaks or lunchtimes if she wants (with the pastoral tutors or in a library) so that she does not have to be around these boys. Can they arrange tutor and teaching groups as well? Do they have other solutions? What about a girls only room?

And if she has bad days - or days where she might unavoidably have to get the bus - can she work at home when she needs to?

And I'd talk to her about just getting through the next three terms like it is a really bad job. Does she have any friends elsewhere?

I've some experience of working with very senior leaders in education, in local authorities in Wales. Particularly in areas where Welsh medium schools are normal and kids have VERY limited transport/other options. I'm making a guess at where you are op, and if I'm correct I would do as follows:

• inform head, school safeguarding lead, and local police
• write to your AM, copying in the head of education at the council, transport company, police and crime commissioner, outling the current situation and stating a concern that this behaviour appears to be normalised. Ask for a multi agency approach to managing such mysogynistic and illegal behaviour on a county/regional basis.
• send a copy to the head but make it crystal clear that you're expecting the head to take action ro safeguard your daughter

So sorry you're dealing with this OP

This has made me sick to the stomach. What sort of person enjoys seeing an animal tortured? Psychopaths in the making. These boys need to be hauled in front of the head with their parents there and read the riot act. Their parents need to be shown the sick stuff their sons are watching and it needs to be reported to the Police
I would pull her out of the school and let her finish her. Levels online . There’s no way I would be sending her back to that environment. Poor girl. What an awful world we live in where this stuff is freely accessible to people under 18 and used to traumatise others.
The Head of Year also needs to be talking to the whole year group about this in the most serious terms.

Also, girls showing their friends porn? On holiday??? That's just so weird!!

This sort of thing is not necessarily about finding it sexually exciting. It's about the teenage curiosity around sex. I remember teen girls when I was in middle school looking at sleepovers at parents' editions of sex manuals, or once even Japanese erotic art, or reading the sex advice column in the local alternative newspaper.

@EarthSight

This makes me so angry.

it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff

No wonder she doesn't want to be there. This is highly hostile, misogynistic environment even for an adult woman, nevermind a girl her age.

In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff

Not sure if he has the capacity yet to realise how fucked-up this is, but this is deeply abusive.

This is a very large task to take on, so you need to brace yourself. It requires a school-wide effort, starting with the headmistress to tackle this. They wouldn't tolerate racism yes? Or harassment of disabled pupils? Well if they want to maintain any shred of believability that they care about girls and their education, this needs to be dealt with, robustly.

Please tell her she has my support. This post almost made me cry. What's she's going through now might be one of the most difficult times in her life. In school, there are often no real consequences for this type of behaviour, and so she has no choice but to be around boys she find abusive, unsafe or disgusting. Plenty of fucked-up things happen in the workplace. It can be ignored yes, but it many places you could lose your job and lose your reference if you acted like this, and that's serious.

School buses can be a lawless nightmare, but if this is affecting her education and involves other pupils from the same school, it is their responsibility to address that.

I will read this out to her, I think she will be so grateful to all you kind women for the replies. I am in my mid fifties, and I went to an all girls school. As a pp said, the only harassment we had was from older men. I have an older brother so the house was often full of teenage boys, and I never heard comments like this. Dd says to me “ I wish I was 16 in your time, or in Grandma’s, I hate it now” . I am still composing my email to the head.

wiltonism
She does have a really good group of friends who are not in the UK, (from an residential thing she does each year) , but who she chats over FaceTime . She likes being with adults (unsurprisingly!! ) so she enjoys helping a friend of ours who is doing some painstakingly restoration for us, and she has been volunteering a little bit .
She has had a tough year, after we lost the close family member to suicide she was in shock and she is still grieving as we all are. So I think that is also part of her telling me now, she isn’t feeling emotionally robust , which makes it all harder .

I question if they found it that 'hilarous'. Although I'm not doubting some would, I think some girls are so horrified by what they see that they don't know what to make of it, so they nervously copy the reactions of others

Also, girls showing their friends porn? On holiday??? That's just so weird!!

It was quite weird. I think the person wanted to shock and show she was cool/unshockable. It was nearly 20 years ago now and I remember it so well, it's burned into my memory. Sitting having a drink in a public square in Spain and she told me she had something to show me on her mobile. A grainy 10 second video clip. The real shock factor was that the woman featured in the video 'apparently died during filming' as it involved bestiality. I was absolutely sick at the thought. Thankfully I lost touch with a lot of that crowd and kept my distance from her in particular. Absolutely bizarre that someone would get a kick out of that but some people missed the empathy tree when they fell to earth. She's now a teacher and mother of 2 and I wonder if she even remembers it.

It's an absolute nightmare for teenagers in this day and age. It was tough enough in the 90s, but it was nothing like what they are faced with just now.

If no one hasn't already posted it, this guide by Safe Schools Alliance UK on how to complain to your DCs school is superb

https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/2021/04/16/how-to-complain-to-your-childs-school/

@RowanAspenOak I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this. I am so scared for our future, this violent behaviour is being normalised and when women speak out, they are silenced.

I wish you the strength of 1,000 women when you speak to school and the police.

I really sympathise with your daughter. I used to get bullied on the school bus by a knuckle dragging bunch of boys. All children should have signed an acceptable conduct policy for school transport if it is a school bus - I’m in Wales - and they should also have a mobile phone rule in school although depends on the school. Clearly no one is enforcing anything which is an issue for the school.

I'd go to the police, showing porn to a child is a crime.

But that might not be the route you go down, I think you need to meet with the head and you might want to talk tot he bus company. Is it a school bus or just a bus?

I had a bad time in school and worse in VI form. For me nothing in my life has ever been as bad or made me feel so miserable (and I have not had an easy life), you are doing a great job taking this seriously.

I think my first step would be to go the police about this. Give them full details, names etc. Then contact the school and tell them it has been reported and that you fully expect them to cooperate with the police and get these "people" dealt with.

There is no excuse, this has to be dealt with to stop it happening.
I feel so sorry and angry in your daughter's behalf. She has confided in you and is asking for help. Do absolutely everything to ensure she is safe and protected from these people
Good luck OP, I hope you get it sorted x

Keep your DD at home today and email the school to explain she won’t be in as some school issues have surfaced and you need to work your way through them with her

In the first instance I’d ask for the head and lead safeguarding persons email address

Then sit with your DD and write a basic list of what happened, a vague time frame and names if people involved.

Email details through and make an appointment to see head/lead safeguarding person with your DD

Put your DDs peace of mind top of the targets. Ask her what she needs to happen to feel ok.

Just adding my support and a virtual hug for your DD.
My DD is 14 and she's been shown sexual images on phones and also has experienced the 'banter' from her male peers. She's 100% with your DD about female only spaces too.
We have tackled the school several times about behaviour and it's been reasonably successful in the extent of getting her moved away from certain boys. But the attitudes are still endemic..
She's unusually bullish though (have no idea where she gets it from...) and will complain about something (via me) but is happy for the person to know it was her! Which I think has sometimes made it easier for the school.
I hate the toxic atmosphere that porn and mobile devices have brought into schools.

The police do need to deal with porn being shown to children and I would ask the school for police involvement from the start.

If I wasn’t satisfied with the schools actions I’d go to the police directly in person

I’d fully expect parents to be called in and community police to clarify with whole year group what’s illegal and not illegal in terms of image sharing.

If porn is freely being shown on the bus it’s highly likely that explicit child sexual abuse images are also being sent to phones too.

I'm feeling sick at some of the more descriptive comments on here and wish I hadn't read them, I know they will play over in my head unfortunately, I'm 50. All I can think is your poor daughter and others like her who are subjected to these gross sickening images. It's so unfair. Why are the authorities or whoever is in charge not been more protective?

Let's not depart from the main problem here... violence to women.

Our children are learning that this is normal, it is entertainment, it is what everybody does. Children learn what they see and when they feel repulsed by what they are shown, they question what is different about them. When they speak out and are silenced, they stop speaking out so this message becomes the only message heard by other people. They learn that they will not be accepted in society unless they speak the same message so they either stay silent and suffer or join in and suffer.

Do not get side tracked by the discussion about animal torture.. we cannot side line a discussion about abuse of women in favour of one about the abuse of animals.

Women in violent porn are being abused, the normalisation of porn has led to an increase in violence during what appears to be consensual sex. When women speak out, they are silenced.

The problems are not that porn is available to under 18s, that side steps the real problem, that porn is available.

The problem is not violence to animals which indeed is linked in extreme cases to psychopathic behaviour, the problem is violent behaviour. When we seperate it and focus on one area, we avoid the main problem, dilute its reporting and fail to focus on the root cause.

When women speak out, their words are twisted. When men speak out, they are allowed freedom of expression. Increasingly, every time the world woman is mentioned, we are reminded that 'not all people who have periods are women', etc etc etc so the message is lost and we are left defending a position we never wanted to take. Men defend their rights to have deviant sexual behaviours, to freedom of expression regardless of the impact on women and to share all spaces with women.

The culture of not protecting women has led to an increase in violence against them and a failure of authority to protect them. The culture in schools where girls speaking out to protect female spaces are silenced, has led to them not being able to speak out and protect themselves from the violent behaviour of men.

Rise up. Take a stand. Stand together. Be free..

Lots of good advice here, thank you. I am still formulating my letter, I want to talk it through with dd and she was too upset last night, the floodgates have been opened I think.

Formal complaint to school and visit to the police. The young man needs stopping. It doesn't matter what his parents do for a living!

So sorry OP, that’s dreadful. Someone described bestiality to me in such graphic detail when I was about 15 that I’ve never forgotten it.

futureghost I am older than you, and have vivid memories of boys running around the class with a sanitary towel stuck to their head, personal comments about Breasts and pinging of Bra straps.On the bus home more of a free for all! I think you were incredibly lucky to escape this sort of thing .Its getting worse not better .Personally I wouldnt send any of my family on the School Bus if I could help it .My friend and I were moved to a different bus following an incident of being kicked ,punched and pushed off the bus by one of these delights! Apologised a while later in 5th year and now a SM manager)Hopefully grown up a bit!