Dd shown Porn in school, help needed.

[RowanAspenOak]

My dd is 16. (Am regular poster in FWR but have name changed to protect my dd.). She is very unhappy at school, there are a few reasons, but last night she was very upset and literally shaking with stress, and she said “it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff “ . We talked more and then she told me that pre lockdown (she hasn’t been on the bus since then) boys on the bus would watch porn, showing it openly, pass it around, show the girls, some of whom laughed it off ( dd thinks in a wanting to look cool in front of the boys way). Some boys would deliberately show stuff to dd, a very overweight woman having sex, who they all mocked in disgust, other clips including extreme animal cruelty which she has had nightmares about since.
In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff”. Dd is a year younger, I think this partly fuelled this boy. His mother is a solicitor! I actually think he may be the new head boy, i need to check.
Had she told me at the time I think I would have gone to the police. I have a younger dd who I obviously want to protect too.
She is really distressed. I asked why she didn’t tell me at the time, and she said partly because it was so constant and normalised, I also think partly because she knew I would go to the school and she was frightened of being bullied more.
So I need to talk to the school, obviously. Could I ask for any thoughts or advice ? Surely it is a safeguarding issue with such young children on the bus ? No adult woman would put up with this at work, yet really young girls are having to deal with this on the bus and in school itself. Is this a local authority issue, a governers issue, I am not sure where to start.
I should say I really like the school, they have been very supportive over the years, have tried their hardest through the nightmare of the pandemic, and they have great teaching staff. They have a female head who is excellent. I am just not sure how to tackle it as it isn’t just one boy, it is loads of the boys. A friend’s seemingly nice son was one of the boys passing round the extreme animal torture.
Any advice welcome.

@AnUnlikelyCombination

That sounds awful - poor her. No wonder she hates the bus.

This may be a non starter, but if she’s the right age for Y12, could she start again elsewhere? Sounds like a very academic girls school would suit her if you could access one locally. She could meet some new friends in a safe, single sex environment and then go to uni at the ‘right’ age, which might make things easier?

We are in the back of beyond, with no academic girls school anywhere near us. She is also very keen now to get school over with, and does not want to redo year 12, as she has done her AS levels . She is so unhappy now that she may need to work from home. I will see how she copes over the next couple of weeks.

This is so horrendous, your poor DD

The school need to take responsibility for things that happen on the bus. When I was at school, we ended up with a member of staff travelling with us due to bad behaviour, and that was minor behaviour compared to what your DD is describing.

I would definitely speak up about it and take it further. Your poor DD will not be the only one who is really upset about this - girls and boys will be wanting this to stop and not knowing how or feeling able to make it stop in that environment. There will be lots of others who feel unable to act other than to laugh along whilst being upset inside.

I was 19 when I was first shown 'hilarious' hardcore porn by other girls on a girl's holiday and I've never really got over the shock and horror of it. Even at 19 I sort of laughed along and quietly retreated to a corner for a drink, totally unsure what to do or say. At 15/16 you don't stand a chance.

I dread this sort of thing when my DC are that age.

Good luck with the school.

I think if she is that unhappy you have no choice but to send her elsewhere. The porn thing is disgusting but I don't think even if that is resolved it solves all her issues. Plenty of kids that age get trains to academic institutions it can't be the only option

Alexashutup There were some racist comments on the bus a few years ago, this is a very white area but there was a mixed race child on the bus who could have heard the comments , and dd was worried so told me about it and I reported that at the time. That boy has now left the school thankfully, he was the one who used to kick her seat.
I think partly she didn’t tell me about the porn as she was so shocked and embarrassed, and frightened that it would get worse for her.

At my school the attitude was, when in school uniform you represent the school.

@RowanAspenOak

Alexashutup There were some racist comments on the bus a few years ago, this is a very white area but there was a mixed race child on the bus who could have heard the comments , and dd was worried so told me about it and I reported that at the time. That boy has now left the school thankfully, he was the one who used to kick her seat. I think partly she didn’t tell me about the porn as she was so shocked and embarrassed, and frightened that it would get worse for her.

Yes, totally understandable that she would feel embarrassed and worried about raising it, and while you want to emphasise the fact that she should tell you about any further instances, you need to make it really clear that it isn't her fault for not speaking up. She is a victim in this situation, and it isn't always easy to speak out about stuff like this - that's exactly what the bullies rely on. And it sounds like many other kids have probably been exposed to this stuff too, but also remained quiet, presumably for similar reasons.

It needs to be brought out into the light, though, so your dd has been really brave in telling you about it and you're doing the right thing in raising it with the school. While your dd will inevitably be anxious about the potential consequences, hopefully she will also understand that it's necessary to protect others as well as herself... including her younger sister.

Good for her for letting you know. I really hope that the school takes it seriously and acts effectively. No kid should have to put up with this kind of shit.

That is so utterly horrible. I would definitely be talking to the school and possibly even the police. Your poor DD. I hope you can get it dealt with OP and if not, maybe studying from home is best for now.

I would add, it took a little while for my dd's school to get past the detail of a specific incident which was the trigger for her report before they actually understood that there was a much bigger problem with the wider culture in the school. She had to keep emphasising that it was not an isolated incident. Once they had taken that on board, their response was thoughtful and thorough. So please ensure that they look at the bigger picture and not just specific examples.

This happens in all senior schools, parents swear blind that it doesn't but it does. The report that has recently come out barely touches the surface. I am not minimising this, but everyone suggesting moving schools won't solve it.
Please contact the school, they will do everything possible to help, the problem is most things that would solve this are not possible and need industry wide change.

This is so awful for her. It’s great you have got it out of her now. I hope school respond robustly, but I feel sorry for them having to deal with this too. It’s so totally unfair on girls/young women.

I didn’t even know there was a “thing” called bestiality until I read about it in the bible in university (reading for interest) and I was so horrified, I can’t imagine being actually shown it, against my will, in-front of a laughing crowd, never mind at 16! I’m both sad and angry for her!

@whatthejiggeries

I think if she is that unhappy you have no choice but to send her elsewhere. The porn thing is disgusting but I don't think even if that is resolved it solves all her issues. Plenty of kids that age get trains to academic institutions it can't be the only option

No trains here, and really no other good school options. She is in Welsh medium education and very much wants to continue that, but even if she was happy to shift to english there wouldn’t be another decent choice. I am hoping that now all her cohort are turning 18 they will be more focused on getting their A level grades. She does have a couple of girls she can chat to.

@Franca123

As for the animal torture..... I'd be extremely worried about that individual. This is not normal.

Assuming it is online footage and not something they filmed themselves, then unfortunately I think it is normal for a lot of teenage boys.

The boys in my school used to have a copy of Animal Farm (the bestiality porn tape) they would put on at parties to upset the girls. Then suggest the girls re-enact it. It was grim.

GotToGoBye It wasn’t that , it was extreme cruelty to an animal, plus porn images, and also a woman with her legs apart with a drone with a fake penis being directed towards her vagina, among other similar stuff.

I am shocked but not surprised sadly . I used to go on the School Bus years ago and it was not a pleasant experience (although not as bad as this thankfully) I would think about moving her ,even if she has to catch a train to the next town or something. Many teenage boys are loathsome and cruel and she sounds a lovely sensitive soul ,who is sadly becoming a target.As above PP says, often these boys are lovely to their Mums /Sisters and so on .However girls at School seem to be fair game .I would speak to the headmaster ,but also have a look at other options .3 terms is a long time to be with these absolute dickheads!

One of my colleagues narrowly escaped prison last year for possession of images that included animals and torture of people. What these boys are doing by showing similar images around is horrific. Your poor DD.

Op email the head ,the company responsible for the bus ,the governors and I'd be tempted to tell the police. Also tell the school if nothing is done you will be contacting the police and your local mp and local papers (they won't want the bad press).
hopefully the boys parents take it seriously.

This is awful OP. Your poor DD. Please do report, I'm another mother of sons who would want to know if any of mine had done something like this.

It needs to be made clear to these boys that what they are doing is serious sexual harassment with consequences.

They will have other worse stuff on their phones. If they're showing porn and bestiality on a public bus, it will be worse in private.
I hope the animal torture fan doesn't have access to any family pets.

Personally, I would move schools, ideally to a girls one.

Phone the school. Today. Ask to speak to the 'named person for child protection' . Tell them exactly what you've written here with as much detail as you have. This needs to be dealt with right now, and taken up with the bus company as well. They have a duty of care to the children they transport too.

Op if your Dd can't change schools ,could she do her lessons online at home ?
Worth asking the school especially as having to put up with that horrible behaviour daily. Point out and stress it's effecting her mental health .

I am almost 50 and I remember nothing this bad when I was at school or college. There was once instance I knew of a boy being horrible about his girlfriend and saying he was only with her for sex. There were some horrible abusive incidents but they were from adult men abusing / exploiting school girls. But this endemic shit you are describing, it just wasn't there.

@futureghost I’m mid-40s and it was definitely endemic in both my and DH’s schools in the 90s.

This is worse in the past, but I think it's down to the phones. There just wasn't regular access to this sort of material.

This is really a social/cultural issue most likely, more than being about an individual boy. Groups of kids will often do things that individual kids wouldn't, and this kind of material plays to all the things groups of boys will get sucked into - sexual content, grossness, the shock factor, are part of the appeal, and it's in large part about getting a reaction.

To be stopped or minimized, it will not be mainly about punishing an individual. It has to be about making the kids understand why this material isn't acceptable, why showing it in groups or using it to shock is not acceptable. And an increase in supervision will need to go with that.

Buses are often difficult in terms of supervision. The bus driver can't do it, and there really ought to be another adult, but often there's no funding. So it's where this kind of inappropriate stuff can often occur.

@RowanAspenOak
Sorry I misunderstood, still awful and not something she should ever have to watch.