Dd shown Porn in school, help needed.

[RowanAspenOak]

My dd is 16. (Am regular poster in FWR but have name changed to protect my dd.). She is very unhappy at school, there are a few reasons, but last night she was very upset and literally shaking with stress, and she said “it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff “ . We talked more and then she told me that pre lockdown (she hasn’t been on the bus since then) boys on the bus would watch porn, showing it openly, pass it around, show the girls, some of whom laughed it off ( dd thinks in a wanting to look cool in front of the boys way). Some boys would deliberately show stuff to dd, a very overweight woman having sex, who they all mocked in disgust, other clips including extreme animal cruelty which she has had nightmares about since.
In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff”. Dd is a year younger, I think this partly fuelled this boy. His mother is a solicitor! I actually think he may be the new head boy, i need to check.
Had she told me at the time I think I would have gone to the police. I have a younger dd who I obviously want to protect too.
She is really distressed. I asked why she didn’t tell me at the time, and she said partly because it was so constant and normalised, I also think partly because she knew I would go to the school and she was frightened of being bullied more.
So I need to talk to the school, obviously. Could I ask for any thoughts or advice ? Surely it is a safeguarding issue with such young children on the bus ? No adult woman would put up with this at work, yet really young girls are having to deal with this on the bus and in school itself. Is this a local authority issue, a governers issue, I am not sure where to start.
I should say I really like the school, they have been very supportive over the years, have tried their hardest through the nightmare of the pandemic, and they have great teaching staff. They have a female head who is excellent. I am just not sure how to tackle it as it isn’t just one boy, it is loads of the boys. A friend’s seemingly nice son was one of the boys passing round the extreme animal torture.
Any advice welcome.

What a lovely post BeenThruMoreThanALilBit

The head boys I knew were always shit heads. I never understood why teachers always picked shit heads for head boys - probably for another thread.

I don’t believe in criminalising children but you only have to read some threads on here to see how for some people porn is the norm.

I really think porn needs to be really restricted, it is having such an effect on people.

is and ought rarely meet.
meanwhile this girl is suffering. every day.
that's why i say remove her from the source of the suffering.
her health is more important.
plenty of time to go to university, if that's what she wants to do.
but she can step off the treadmill. and flourish.

@SirSamuelVimes

This is quite literally what the Ofsted review into sexual harassment in schools is describing. Schools have been told to assume it is happening even without reports so they should have started making plans for how-to deal with this. It is absolutely a Safeguarding issue and they must deal with it.

Contact the school and ask for a meeting with the safeguarding lead. Tell him/her exactly what you've said here. If they attempt to brush it off raise the Ofsted review.

Not RTFT (sorry), but this.

Also, the Keeping Children Safe in Education update Sept 2021 specifically mentions peer-on-peer abuse like this, so maybe mention that too.

Yes but I think keeping children safe guidance only applies in England. Definitely v helpful on what good practice is but not binding in Wales

My 14 year old daughter has experienced similar things. I complained to the Head in writing, he tried to fob me off, I wrote back and said that wasn't good enough. He invited me in and is now taking it seriously. He has involved me in designing a survey for all pupils on sexual harassment within the school and by school pupils. I have advised him on action the school can take (UK Feminista is a good source of information.) If he hadn't done that, I would have written to the school governors and Ofsted. Don't let it go. Our daughters need us to fight their corner.

I wouldn't take her out of school, but keep her off the bus. Can she take a taxi on those occasions you can't drive her in?

Horrible If they're on a school bus, surely if you reported it to school the school would take it seriously? Especially if there's kids showing it to her in class as well!! I'd be reporting it to the head, no way would I be letting that lie.

@wiltonism

From what you say about your DD - academically excellent, friends outside school and so on - I think you can reassure her that when she gets to university she will very much find her tribe. Yes there will be arseholes there, but she can ignore them so much more easily. Tell her that from me - I was a misfit all the way through school but flew at uni, as did my misfit friends.

Thank you for this, DD is a misfit at school and has worries about never fitting in. It's reassuring to hear this.

I went to a girls school and was totally unprepared for all this. There's no option for single sex ed where I live now, but it wouldn't actually have occurred to me to send DD to a single sex school. I thought I had missed out not having boys at school, I realise now I probably very lucky.

Porn is so much more available than it used to be.
Is there a public transport alternative she can use?

Your poor daughter OP. But she is lucky to have such a supportive mum. Let us know how you get on.

@SusannaM

Honestly, if I were going to do a TED talk, it would be 1min long and that would be it. Along with the fact that only at school are you expected to get on with people just because they are the same age as you, and that the people who were 'popular' will never quite get over it and stay in their home town wondering what happened to them. Send a fellow misfit wave to your daughter and tell her it will be better than fine, it will be fun.

My daughter is able, but has ADHD and dyspraxia; we've taught her from a young age to say thank you if anyone says she is weird. Fortunately she is now in a school who have put all of the refusniks into one class where they are now forming an entirely new social world.

My daughter has had similar stuff tried on.

Moving school won’t help as it’s the same everywhere.

I have to tell you from bitter experience as the mum of a bullying victim (not my dd, my ds) that there is only one way to deal with this. School will try to help. But they really are powerless to do much and bullies can easily cover their tracks. Expulsions can cost £££££.

A boy tried some similar behaviour on with my dd and she got right up in his face and snarled “Fuck off you dumb twat”. The net effect is that he didn’t bother my dd again. He will obviously bother someone else. Which is unacceptable. But bullies go for kids they can bully effectively. We don’t tackle it in our society. We pretend not to tolerate it, but in reality there are no meaningful consequences that a school can apply. We have adults going through life stamping on others because we never tackle nasty behaviour properly, starting in primary schools. My son was put in a room with a mediator and the bully. The mediator says to the bully: ds doesn’t like it when you do x y z and it isn’t kind. Bully says “sorry, won’t happen again”. As soon as mediator out of earshot bully says haha gonna do it again.

Losing her friendship group because of trans crap must be a big contributing factor. That wouldn't be the case in another school. If you're being bullied, having even one friend at school makes a big difference to how you cope.
She's in 6th form, so presumably she can leave school or go somewhere she feels comfortable during any free lessons. That plus taking her off the school bus would mean limiting her time with other pupils to time when a teacher is present, or pretty much, wouldn't it? She can bury her face in a book or a phone when necessary. Could you or her dad take her out for lunch once a week or so? Anything to reduce her time with the bullies or alone.

@Mia85

Yes but I think keeping children safe guidance only applies in England. Definitely v helpful on what good practice is but not binding in Wales

It should be then - one for our MS?

Your poor DD, I am livid on both your behalfs. If a collage at my work behaved like this they would be fired and likely criminalised. The victims are minors here, so why is it acceptable at school? It isn’t. Our daughters should not have to put up with this. Sending you strength to take this shit down.

*colleague

I had my safe guarding training last night and this was a big part of what we were told to look out for. Unfortunately students are very reticent (understandably) at letting us know what is going on.

I have daughters at my own school and the disconnect at how the students present to teachers and how they are behaving with peers can be astonishing. At the moment it seems to be down to feisty girls to turn round and articulate what is unacceptable and that clearly should not be on them.

Please detail all the incidents, go to your school and ask to talk to the safe guarding lead. They should be very open to hearing information that will help them start to address the issues.

@BeenThruMoreThanALilBit

Your poor DD. And poor you having to navigate this.

Once you’ve dealt with the school, I think the focus of your attention should be on DD. What a tragedy if an academically stellar girl is put off going to university to better herself, because of criminally awfully behaved boys. That’s wave upon wave of unfairness, as you think upon it. You only need to browse the relationship board here on MN to fast forward to where these boys and girls might end up 10 years from now.

And the worst of it is that they are wrong and your DD is 100% in the right.

Please tell your DD from me, a random middle-aged woman on MN who’s dealt with her fair share at the hands of boys and men, that girls like her make me immensely proud. If she can come through this, with your support, a strong young woman on her way to the university of her choice, with excellent grades, and a clear conscience that she’s done the right thing in the face of heavy adversity, I PROMISE her that she will start her adult life with levels of confidence she might not be able to imagine at this point or even fully appreciate until she’s much older. She will know what it means to stand up to bullies, to stand up for what’s right and come through that; and the confidence she will gain from knowing NOBODY will ever be able to take that achievement away from her will be character forming.

But it might be a tough year: exams, college entrance stress, navigating this and all its consequences after recent bereavement. It’s a lot, undeniably. But she has you, and I’m sure you will support her.

Let this be the making of her. We need young women like your DD.

Good luck to you both

This made me cry, and I will show her later. Thank you so much, that is really kind of you. Sorry to have not updated for a few days, a family member is dying so a tricky time. We have not yet seen the head. Dd got very upset, refused to go into school, and we have been trying to juggle talking everything through with her, and the family member plus an issue that has emerged through these conversations where younger dd (14) told us that her friend has had penis pics sent to her by a boy in their school. I obviously need to tell her Mum, but dd2 is worried that her friend will feel betrayed that she told me and doesn’t want me to. It feels never ending ! To update- I had made a mistake about the solicitor’s son, in fact although he made the comments a different boy had shown her the image. She was so upset it was confusing. I have written and re written the letter to the head, have to show it to DH and then send today. All schools need to start dealing with this properly. I spoke to a parent who has a son at the school, he thinks they should bring in a trained professional to talk to the pupils about these issues, but who would they bring in ? What sort of “training” would someone like that have ? Sex work is work type training ? It has been an eye opening week certainly. I’ve had long conversations with both daughters about it. I think I have been naive and unprepared for these issues. I can’t tell you women posting how appreciative I am, how grateful on behalf of my daughters. You are really helping me navigate this, THANK YOU

There are courses out there. A quick google brought up these people, who offer anti-pornography workshops for schools, so I'm not recommending it or anything. I note that they aim to reduce young people's "stigmata"!!

It’s likely the local council will have voluntary groups it works with that support girls and boys at risk of sexual exploitation, and/or victims of sexual abuse. Both probably have introductory sessions on the important of consent, the law as it relates to distribution of images, the effects of pornography etc

I hope the school respond effectively, take it seriously.

I think you can threaten school that you will report to the police, it is a criminal matter to harass people in this way.

The local police come to school locally to me.

OP I am incredibly sorry to hear your daughter has gone through this (and I'm sorry you are having a hard time in other areas too). I hope when you report it that the school take it VERY seriously indeed, because it IS serious. It is the difference between both the boys and girls in the school seeing it for the sexual harassment that it is or it being dismissed as normal and a blueprint for how to treat women.

Can I also assure you as the mother of two sons that while I would be ashamed and upset to hear they had done something so disgusting I would also be very glad to know that they had done it so I could deal with them. I know I speak to my sons about porn and its effect on women and girls and they know how I would feel if involved with something like that but it doesn't mean they definitely wouldn't be and if they were I would want the opportunity to show them consequences and to speak to them about WHY this is inappropriate, threatening and creepy behaviour.

OP, what is happening about this? Did you report it to the Police?