Dd shown Porn in school, help needed.

[RowanAspenOak]

My dd is 16. (Am regular poster in FWR but have name changed to protect my dd.). She is very unhappy at school, there are a few reasons, but last night she was very upset and literally shaking with stress, and she said “it is so horrible, I don’t want to be there, the boys make rape “jokes”, constant awful stuff “ . We talked more and then she told me that pre lockdown (she hasn’t been on the bus since then) boys on the bus would watch porn, showing it openly, pass it around, show the girls, some of whom laughed it off ( dd thinks in a wanting to look cool in front of the boys way). Some boys would deliberately show stuff to dd, a very overweight woman having sex, who they all mocked in disgust, other clips including extreme animal cruelty which she has had nightmares about since.
In the classroom a boy deliberately showed her close up porn images of a vagina “because ddRowan hasn’t seen this stuff”. Dd is a year younger, I think this partly fuelled this boy. His mother is a solicitor! I actually think he may be the new head boy, i need to check.
Had she told me at the time I think I would have gone to the police. I have a younger dd who I obviously want to protect too.
She is really distressed. I asked why she didn’t tell me at the time, and she said partly because it was so constant and normalised, I also think partly because she knew I would go to the school and she was frightened of being bullied more.
So I need to talk to the school, obviously. Could I ask for any thoughts or advice ? Surely it is a safeguarding issue with such young children on the bus ? No adult woman would put up with this at work, yet really young girls are having to deal with this on the bus and in school itself. Is this a local authority issue, a governers issue, I am not sure where to start.
I should say I really like the school, they have been very supportive over the years, have tried their hardest through the nightmare of the pandemic, and they have great teaching staff. They have a female head who is excellent. I am just not sure how to tackle it as it isn’t just one boy, it is loads of the boys. A friend’s seemingly nice son was one of the boys passing round the extreme animal torture.
Any advice welcome.

The police were called in to DD's school over a porn related incident, it was a boy's parents who called them (he was the victim of bullying by a group of boys). Turned out that quite a few kids (girls and boys) had also been targeted. Can't go into details as it is quite identifying (or maybe is depressingly common). But the police were excellent, couldn't fault them, they spoke to the guilty parties parents, were clear on how serious it was. No one involved wanted the boys to have criminal records, so the police also suggested appropriate punishments to the school. The school didn't carry it through. And the boy who raised the initial concerns wasn't treated very well by a lot of the pupils, because there is a huge culture of not grassing, despite how hurt you are.

I apologise for not responding sooner. Conflicting pressures here at the moment.
We had a meeting with the Head. She is taking it seriously I hope but I am worried that the emphasis seemed to be on bringing in outside people to talk to the pupils about issues like this, rather than putting in place consequences. Head is going to talk to the boys mentioned. Will this actually make the bus safe ? I don’t think so. Another meeting scheduled.
Dd is so anxious about it all that she has refused point blank to go into school.

@SusannaM

The police were called in to DD's school over a porn related incident, it was a boy's parents who called them (he was the victim of bullying by a group of boys). Turned out that quite a few kids (girls and boys) had also been targeted. Can't go into details as it is quite identifying (or maybe is depressingly common). But the police were excellent, couldn't fault them, they spoke to the guilty parties parents, were clear on how serious it was. No one involved wanted the boys to have criminal records, so the police also suggested appropriate punishments to the school. The school didn't carry it through. And the boy who raised the initial concerns wasn't treated very well by a lot of the pupils, because there is a huge culture of not grassing, despite how hurt you are.

Depressing isn’t it ? Same here with the huge culture of not grassing. So many children must be getting damaged. Meanwhile the canaries in the coal mine, like that boy and my dd, are the ones who suffer while the callous kids are happily in school.

Your DD sounds like a lovely sensitive girl. The older kids sharing explicit porn and making rape jokes with the aim of upsetting other people will end up in jail if left to carry on. Their parents need to know, but be prepared for some of them to disbelieve that their kids are involved.

@RowanAspenOak do you know about the distance learning school Inter High? It could be an option if continuing at her current school or commuting elsewhere are not possible. Note it is fee paying.

This thread is terrifying. Your daughter sounds amazing to have brought this up with you and for wanting you to help. I hope that I can have a relationship like that with my kids when they’re older. I don’t blame your daughter for not wanting to go to school. Is there a way she can do the A Levels privately? And not be in school? I guess maybe wait to see what school do first.

I think police should be involved. Sexual harassment.

On a related note, a woman in our village told our village fb group that a teen lad randomly shouted at her in the street that he'd rape her. Never heard anything like it here. Another woman in her 50s wasn't specific but said she was intimidated by a group of teen boys in our village also, she said she had never felt so intimidated in her life (that's why I mention her age), but she said she was glad it happened to her and not a younger woman/girl . Teens are also laying down in the road to scare drivers, but that's another topic.

firstly just wanted to say that you sound like a loving supportive and diligent mum. your daughter clearly trusts you. never underestimate how powerful that is for her psychological well-being.

yes report this and take it as far as possible. fully grown adults would be traumatised seeing some of that stuff children should not be near it. i worked in a field where we were exposed to stories of extreme violence and the darkest side of society, one thing that stays in my head is the denial of parents school and society are in with regard what children are being exposed to. the school need to deal with this and those boys need to be hauled into the school, parents in toe, with hopefully a hammer to smash up their phones. i would be extremely concerned and ashamed if that was my son, but i’m not naive to think that boys aren’t watching porn. this however is animal cruelty ( a sign of a lack of empathy and possibly worse, one boy i knew who put a cat in a microwave went on to rape)
this is as well as taking pleasure in seeing extreme acts and exposing younger children to it. so yes repost them, and back your daughters right to be free from their disgusting behaviour
good luck

@mummylondon16

firstly just wanted to say that you sound like a loving supportive and diligent mum. your daughter clearly trusts you. never underestimate how powerful that is for her psychological well-being.

yes report this and take it as far as possible. fully grown adults would be traumatised seeing some of that stuff children should not be near it. i worked in a field where we were exposed to stories of extreme violence and the darkest side of society, one thing that stays in my head is the denial of parents school and society are in with regard what children are being exposed to. the school need to deal with this and those boys need to be hauled into the school, parents in toe, with hopefully a hammer to smash up their phones. i would be extremely concerned and ashamed if that was my son, but i’m not naive to think that boys aren’t watching porn. this however is animal cruelty ( a sign of a lack of empathy and possibly worse, one boy i knew who put a cat in a microwave went on to rape)
this is as well as taking pleasure in seeing extreme acts and exposing younger children to it. so yes repost them, and back your daughters right to be free from their disgusting behaviour
good luck

sorry meant report them, can’t edit. can see you have reported and not much progress talk to your local MP or councillor or an organisation like Child law advice ( they give advice on education law or rights of women ( they have a sexual harassment at work helpline they might have a few pointers re: sexual harassment in education)