Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

Hi everyone-hope you are all ok x
Back from Spain. It wasnt quite the break id been hoping for. Beautiful villa in lovely village but I had some awful anxiety/depression throughout the week. Worked really hard to cover it up as much as possible and DSs and DH had a good time but i really struggled.
Very low today but i think that could be being emphasised by PMT.
Have an appointment in 3 weeks time with psychiatrist so going to try and stay as calm as possible and monitor everything till then.
I think Ive mentioned this before - but im finding it all partic difficult because this is the longest episode Ive had so Im v scared about not getting better this time.
Anyway .... got to keep going x

Hi kizzie sorry you didn't have a fantastic time Holidays can sometimes be harder than normal life, because there is such an expectation to have a "fantastic" time, and you can end up feeling worse and guilty etc. if you still feel low.

Hey none of this talk about not getting better. You WILL get better. Repeat after me, YOU WILL GET BETTER!! Ok??

It might be you need a different kind of medication this time? It's good you have an appointment coming up. Write down some bullet points that you want to discuss so you don't go blank in the appointment.

Yes Kizzie if I can get better so can you!! don't get disheartened hun. Darkest hour of the night is before the dawn. It's true. As was quite noticeable from my posts on here i was doing very badly before moving forward.

Doing ok tonight - been to band practice and my friend took me home and we chatted in the car. He gave me a hug and said he understood it was hard to see dh go for a week and said I'm still vulnerable, reminded me he and his lovely wife don't live far away, he laughed at me (yes he's allowed that he puts up with enough!!) when I confessed to worrying about worrying (I know!!)and he made me cry when he said that he's very proud of me! Made me feel all buoyed up.

Topsi did I sound awfully dismissive? - thing is I really want you to have a good diagnosis for what is wrong with you that's all...

thanks both for the encouragement x

madmouse - you DO sound so much better x

Bad night for me. Went to bed worrying about getting enough sleep (why?????) so bingo! Didn't sleep well - I was so tired but my anxiety was fighting the urge to fall asleep and it is so stupid it really is. Full of anxiety, feel so sick, feel so down. I can't do this anymore. I can't take much more of this. I feel so cross and so stupid and pathetic. I hate my stupid brain. I had a really bad nightmare too. I don't want to do this anymore it's too hard. I know that sounds melodramatic but I feel so crap about myself.

Becky becky becky stop stop stop!!!

You've had nothing but good nights recently, you can have the occassional bad night surely - you are human. Hey the night before I had a bad night due to worrying about worrying...we are just slightly mad but otherwise ok

You will cope fine and sleep well again tonight, you will. Come on hun xxx

I slept ok after finding a very old inhaler somewhere that I probably shouldn't use anymore. Awake at 6 but feeling ok. May have to phone doc for a new inhaler though, miffed as I've been off meds for years now.

Sorry - I'll be ok. I was just having a melodramatic moment

Hey Becky I was exactly like you a couple of days ago but I'm back to OK again. It's such a hideous roller coaster ride isn't it! I've given up trying to analyse why some nights are good and some nights are bad. I'm back to taking the anti-hystamine tablets every night. I just want to get rid of the remaining bit of sleep anxiety before I try and come off them again. I'm also trying these relora tablets now and will let you know if they seem to have any benefit (they claim to help with sleep).

Topsi I think there is a lot in the adrenal fatigue thing. I have a book about it which I may have leant to someone as I can't see it on the shelf at the mo. It is a bit american but it makes a lot of sense. I'm sure I had it in my twenties after a period of panic attacks. I was dizzy all the time, it drove me mad. I thought I had an inner ear problem at the time. I think it is also the basis of M.E./chronic fatigue illnesses, as well as 'nervous exhaustion' and 'burnout'. I hadn't thought about the link with sleep though which is interesting. Apparently a lot of ME patients sleep really badly despite being tired all the time.

Kizzie sorry to hear you aren't feeling better. I find it hard to relax on holiday and often feel very low after a holiday (even when I haven't enjoyed it that much!). In terms of feeling you won't get better, remember that nothing ever stays the same. Even when you feel completely stuck things are changing. As Madmouse says the worst times can come before things lift. I really believe that you will get better. Find a mantra to repeat to yourself, something like 'where there is life there is hope'. We all have the capacity to heal because our bodies and minds are always seeking to find harmony. You will get better.

I have a friend with ME and every time it flairs up she gets terrible insomnia. She also has had depression.

Arcadia its a hideious roller coaster and I'm fed up of it. The anxiety is just crippling when it attacks. I was fine, more or less, last week while we were on holiday. I was fine yesterday. When I'm sleeping well I feel completely fine then one bad night and the anxietyometer goes sky high. I woke up this morning at 5am when DH's alarm went off feeling so sick and knotted, and so sad catastrophising in my head. I couldn't get back off to sleep because DH started cooking his lunch and it made me feel worse.

Now I just feel tired and tearful all the bloody time today (crying now, for God's sake get a grip!!!) and I'm annoyed because I have work to do but I can't concentrate on it and it is really p*ing me off big time. I can't do this and work and look after three children. I have a friend coming for coffee soon and then MIL looking after DS3 while I take DS1 and DS2 shoe shopping and haircutting. Why did I worry about not sleeping last night? Grrrrr. Stupid brain!

Ah well. New bed arrives tomorrow - perhaps that will give me good sleep for ever. Wishful thinking, eh?

PST: I will sleep well tonight because we'll be sleeping on the mattress on the floor and that'll be, errr, different to say the least (DH taking old bed apart when he gets home).

Need to stop crying before friend gets here. She's one of those bouncy happy types who doesn't do emotions. Stop it!!!!

becky I am so sorry you had a bad night and are feeling rotten and tearful today Hopefully your bouncy friend will cheer you up!
I have a friend just like that, she?s very jolly but not so good at empathising though!

We?ve all been here many times before. I know you know what I?m going to say, but I?m going to say it anyway!

The secret of cracking this thing, is in your mind! You hold the keys! I really believe that if you take the fear out of the insomnia, the insomnia itself has no power. You know there is nothing wrong in your brain (because you can and DO sleep, most nights), you have loads of strategies up your sleeve do deal with it if you are lying awake. You have to get a grip on your thoughts? the more you struggle and dwell on negative thoughts, the deeper you sink, it?s like quicksand. Force yourself to think positive thoughts! Whenever you feel a ?what if?? thought cropping up in your mind consciously STOP it. And change it to a better more helpful thought.

And bad nights will and DO happen. Blimey I should know! But shrugging it off the next day is definitely the way to go! Just tell yourself you will sleep better tonight because you are extra tired. Shrugging it off, doing things you enjoy, carrying on as normal, seeing your friends, these are all excellent strategies to stick two fingers up at insomnia! I know I am repeating myself, but goodness, you know I have been there! My anxiety and insomnia landed me in hospital!! And I can honestly say the secret is to control your thoughts.

arcadia watching with interest re. your relora!

Getdown you've been reading that book again - I've made a start in it too, but I need an NIV bible along side it as she uses this strange amplified version and that makes it awkward to read in bed. Should give it a more prime time I know....

I know the amplified version annoys me too. At first I thought it was just her putting in her square brackets [ ] with her own thoughts! Thankfully DH was able to correct me!

GetDown you are the voice of reason and sense. I know all you say is right and last week I totally was there - positive thoughts all the way! But today I just want to curl up in a corner. My bouncy happy friend was good therapy but she was just too bouncy for me today. She's like tigger.

You want to curl up in a corner because you are tired - that is perfectly understandable.

It's not because you won't sleep tonight. You will sleep tonight. You just have to get through today

GetDown why do I have to have days like today? Before DS3 was born I had a day like today once a year at most. Why oh why now is it a weekly occurrence some weeks??? It's not bloody fair. I'm not a strong person at all and it is so hard being strong and being positive all the bloody time. My body is betraying me it feels like.

Yes it is tiring being positive. But it is also tiring being negative, being negative drains you and perpetuates your problem.

becky do you think you are doing too much? Working, 3 young boys? You seem very busy. Is your subconscious trying to get you to slow down somehow?

You're right; being negative is exhausting too. And I feel so much happier when I am positive, and I think that's why I feel so cross when it comes crashing down after a bad night it's like 'I've been soooo positive and working so hard, what more can I do??'

Perhaps I do do too much but I need to work for myself (I need something for myself) and also for money (I'm actually really, really lucky I am able to work from home quite easily doing the job I do). I was working really, really hard before DS3 was born and thriving on the stress. It's strange. Then it was when I went on maternity leave that things started going wrong. I think part of the problem is I expect perfection and when it doesn't happen I get cross with myself. I feel so cross with myself for being so weak and letting anxiety about sleep get in the way of getting 100% enjoyment out of being a mum. I feel so guilty too - if I wasn't so wrapped up in my own problems and more worried about these three lovely boys I'd be sleeping better and therefore better able to be there for them. I don't know. I'm rambling a bit now! MIL due in a few mins.

Becky you said it's a weekly occurence some weeks - well that makes it more of a monthly occurence doesn't it

Hiya everyone, had a busy day - buying school shoes - Clarks was full of people doing the same... Haircuts for DS1 and DS2. Back home now. DH home. Tired. Ah well. Plod on, eh?

Madmouse I hope you are feeling ok about tomorrow - keep calm vibes coming your way.

Thanks Arcadia x
Ive just ordered the Linden Method online to try. very expensive and sure its not the miracle cure it claims to be but hoping there might be some useful stuff in it. will report back. (I'll let you know if theres anything that might be helpful for you becky).
Struggled at work today because just feel so tense and wound up. Total opposite of my normal personaity. I could understand it if things difficult at the moment but they have quietened down a bit lately at work and this is all stuff i could normally do with my eyes closed. Everything FEELS impossible and so difficult even though I know it isnt. Im guessing its just a build up of the stress hormones. So trying to make myself do breathing exercises and went for a mile walk when i got in with DS. He went on his scooter so had to walk quite quickly to keep up with him which is probably a good thing.

It also day 2 of my period. It almost feels like Ive got PMT except its DURING the period. Im 40 so dont know if thats got anything to do with it.

Get down (and everyone else) - you are very good at reassuring on things like this. If Ive been on an AD for a few years and it worked ok - but then been up on the dose again for a few months but not working again do you think Ive messed up my chances of another Ad working. Or anything working. I know im not really asking rational questions - but thats what Im really scared of.

Basically i am covering for someone at work at the moment - until novemeber. So if at all possible I need to keep going until then. If I reduce or increase or change medication I have always seemed to have very severe side effects which have meant time off work so if at all possible I need to try and avoid that for the next couple of months. At the moment Im functional but miserable/desperate (depending on which hour you catch me) but worried that if I just keep going then i'll really risk a full on breakdown. Sorry so many questions here and I realise i sound so meoldramic but just feel like I needed to get it all out today/ And i dont want to start a new thread in case I worry anyone just diagnosed with PND. I dont know why my depression has recurred but for the vast majority of people with PND it wont - and I dont want to worry people x

Kizzie I feel so bad I didn't say 'welcome back' to you. I agree with what Arcadia says (I was on holiday last week) the come down from a holiday is awful.

PMT worsening with age could be a big part of it. I suffer from terrible PMT since DS3 (I'm 38). I'm on day 2 as well today! Weird. I take the vit B and omega to help with PMT. I am sure it does help but not a cure by any means.

I think thats right about PMT getting worse with age. In fact before i had children I never ever had it. Ironic now really.
I take a multi vit each day and 2x holland and barrett fish oil tablets. Ive tried to take a B complex a few times but seemed to make me a bit more jittery (?)

Maybe we are like a boarding school on this thread - all our cycles will eventually be the same :-)

Had an ok day here except trip to doctor to get an inhaler but that's hardly a major thing.

Tonight anxiety has kicked in and I've been feeling paralysed. DH is in denial about him going - I have put everything he needs in a laundry basket and he hasn't packed it yet. Meaning probably that he will run around headless chicken after I've gone to bed needing this and that.

Madmouse how are you feeling this morning? How's your DH? Is her worried about going? How was your night?

Well guys, I went to bed at 10.15pm last night feeling very tired and a bit sicky from lack of sleep and slept really well - yeah. I always wake up feeling more tired the next day though, in a weird way. DS3 woke me up just now moaning in his cot. And strangely I always feel more down the day after the night after a bad night. I don't get that at all. I'll be fine by tomorrow. I guess this is all part of this hideious roller coaster we were talking about.

I was talking to DH last night and DH had had about the same amount of sleep as me the night before. He had gone to bed at 12.45am and his alarm goes off at 5am. But he was fine! He said yesterday he felt a bit tired but that's all. It's just not fair!!! Why does lack of sleep make me feel so depressed and him not even remotely. There's something wrong there.