Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

Getdown - have lovely lovely time

Willsurvive - yes am working. First two weeks back v v hard. then next 6 weeks quite good. But last 2 weeks very difficult again . Its so annoying because this job was something that id worked really hard to get and when im well i can do it and cope with it well.

I don't know how I am really. DS was a bit sick at bedtime (about a mouthful after an overenthusiastic attempt to brush his own teeth and probably throat too...My IBS has flared up making me feel bloated and sore. I'm worried about RHKS who has disappeared from fb and mn after refusing to promise me on Sunday that she wouldn't do anything silly. And I keep thinking of killing myself as an option 'if things get too bad'. I cope on the surface but feel so small and sad inside. I'm so tired and frustrated with now being depressed after battling ptsd for 1.5 years and with having had another panic attack over nothing this afternoon. I just need it to stop for a while.

oh willsurvive

Have you got something you can focus on, a holiday to look forward to?

You will get through this, as your name says you will survive this.

How are you getting on with the SJW? Are they lifting you at all? Y'know it's not a failure to try the ADs...

You cannot hold yourself responsible for RHKS. You have enough on your plate already. Please let's just hope there are people with her in RL right now who are looking after her.

Sorry Getdown the only thing I have to look forward to is a change of parish and housemove a year sooner than planned leaving behind my precious house group and the music group - but that is all in the balance for now, uncertainty for a few more months and then as decided by the big boys not me.

Managed to pray earlier but have been working my way through the songs for next week and may as well have been singing x-factor garbage for all the feeling it had.

I've had it a bit.

sorry

night all - hope you all sleep

WillSurvive I hope you slept ok last night. I hope today is a bit better for you.

I slept fitfully again. It seems to be the norm for me. I have this reoccuring dream about stairs that are usually broken that I have to get up or down but can't or I'm too scared to. Last night the stairs were full of people sat on them eating and I tried really hard to get past everyone and I did manage it but panicked about getting back past them again. I have this dream (variations of) so many times it must have some meaning.

I worked so hard yesterday it was crazy. It was because DS1 is having his friend over today so I know I won't be able to do any work today.

Morning Becky - sorry you slept fitfully again. I have an idea about your dream (am usually good with dreams including my own if I remember) but it needs a bit of pondering.

I had so many dreams involving conflicts, running away, violence, betrayal. But all in a very confused way and I have no idea what's what.

Oh well of to work we go. Glad Wednesday is my half day.

According to the interweb: Stairs / running, jumping off of / stairs falling apart: Lack of confidence, a fear of failing or not being capable, sees life as full of pitfalls.

That sounds about right. But I do keep having this dream. Sometimes in the dream though I manage to get up the stairs despite the broken bits, others I cheat and take the lift!

I was thinking no confidence in your confidence - worried about not completely succeeding.

It is true; I am terrified of failing everyone and not being strong enough to get through these tougher times. I'm usually such an optimist and a workaholic. I used to thrive on stress and now it is going against me.

Ah well. Keep going. DS1 has his friend due in a few mins so that'll keep DS1 and DS2 happy today. DS3 is being really, really clingy at the moment. Separation anxiety? I can't remember. He just wants to sit on my knee all the time (which makes me count down the minutes until he's ready for a sleep, which makes me feel guilty).

Willsurvive - hope today a bit easier x

Becky - I know what you mean - I also used to 'thrive' on stress. Not sure where that person went.

x

Me and five children today. Stress!!!! DS3 is being a clingy nightmare today

Remember separation anxiety is a sign of healthy bonding x

DS1's friend has brought his sister with him. She didn't not want her mum to leave her. She's fine now (her mum is working 10-2pm today so I offered to have her two today). The girl and DS2 are happily playing and DS1 and his friend are colouring in. DS3 is on my nap as that's his favourite place! He is lovely, just tirying.

Hi guys, we had an overnight visitor last night (DS1's friend stayed over). I've just woken up as DS2 is noisy and awake already (the three of them are sharing a room). I slept well. No strange dreams last night. Yeah! Time for a coffee.

Yey Becky glad you slept well
I went to bed late (12.30 - had a bad night and was on mn/fb all night) and had a restless night full of dreams and waking a lot. Then had a lie-in until 8.30 and now feel like a zombie.

Off to my last counselling session until September now...eek

Hope your session has gone ok

was ok Becky thanks for asking x

Hope you're ok. Things are really quiet on here at the moment.

We've had a busy day - picnic at the swings with friends followed by more playing at DS1's friend's house. I've just finished doing all the usual 'mum' stuff. Now for a quick bath before putting everyone to bed.

I just asked dh to do bedtime as I'm mentally too exhausted. Been cleaning and tidying instead and off to do some more. Then promised myself an hour or so of guitar/singing. And then I MUST have an early night because I'm derailing again.

Sleep well xxx

I had a really, really bad night last night. Two hours sleep, if that? And when it's that bad I feel really, really low and start thinking really awful thoughts about life not being worth living and not being good enough for my boys and they'd be better off without me, etc. The rational me knows this is just awful but the non-sleeping me thinks this is real.

How am I going to get myself through today and not worry about tonight?

DH just acts 'normal' when I'm like this. He went to work this morning with hardly a kiss. It hurst me so much. I know why he is doing it. He is tryiing to shake me out of the bad feelings and get me to act normal and not catastrophize.

I was doing so well as well. I hate myself. I am so stupid, such a stupid, stupid idiot.

itsonlyajob not inappropriate at all, very appropriate and very kind too I do expect 100% of myself and have zero time to myself as I work from home so any child-free time is taken up working. This week I have been working every evening so in that way it is no wonder I had a bad night. I just used to be able to live like this no problem and now I can't seem to, since DS3 was born. It's frustrating. And when I'm tired my view is warped. Everything seems ten times worse than it should be. DH hasn't emailed me yet today and I'm trying hard to think 'he's probably in a meeting / busy' rather than 'he doesn't care'.

I'm supposed to be going to a party tonight. I can't face it. Part of me thinks I should just go but the tired stressed anxious part wants to be miserable at home and go to bed early.