Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

thanks willsurvive - paul mckenna helped a lot!

How are you today>?

Arcadia he he he your dream. I hope I was nice!

Do your neighbours often have noisy sex in the middle of the night??

Enjoy the botanic gardens !

We're off to town later to finally, finally, finally try to arrange my ring which DH promised me when DS3 was born.

We do have a bath in the sitting room at the moment and DH needs to ring plumbers etc. Knowing him he'll get around to this in about a month's time. Watch this space. Any bets on how long we have to have a bath in the middle of the sittingroom for? I reckon 8 weeks.

Hello everyone, took me a while to get to sleep last night - after a total flood of tears session about not being a good enough mother and being selfish for letting this sleep anxiety be more important than the DSs. Fed up of this. I eventually put Paul McKenna on and cat number one sat on my shoulder while I was listening. Then DS3 woke up. DH told me not to worry about him and he'd deal with him. I must have fallen asleep shortly after that.

Woke up this morning feeling really low. This is not like me. I just want to go with the flow and not worry so much.

Hi Becky sorry you are feeling so low - but you are doing fantastically well and maybe some emotions just needed out last night. Get the pressure off. And you did sleep! Be patient with yourself today - you are doing so well.

Getdown - sorry did not answer yesterday - was too depressed to contribute to thread. Got a bit better last night, dh and I watched a film together. But after a night full of dreams and nightmares I'm shattered. And I'm leading worship this morning, both vocals and guitar

Oh WillSurvive sorry to hear about the dreams and nightmares. It's such hard work

Hi everyone - Getdown glad you got a good sleep in the end.
Becky and Will Survive - sorry you have both had low days . Will Survive - i really admire you carrying on with everything at the church. I dont know how you do it all.

I had an easier day friday - but then i think i tempted fate by acknowledging it because yesterday and today difficult again. Although my mum alwasy says you cant tempt fate. Anyway - i do think its important to say when days have been better otherwise its not a real reflection.
On my very low days at the moment i seem to spend a lot of time searching for the 'meaning of life' or 'whats the point of it all'. When im fine and busily getting on with life its not something i ever give any thought to i suppose but it keeps playing on my mind.

I cant really find the right answer - and i suppose there isnt one really. So i keep telling myself it is 'to love'. Bit weak and probably not very noble but if anyone has any better suggestions i would love to hear them.
Hope you all get a good neights rest. x

Hi all, I slept well last night despite worrying that it was Sunday night and the start of the school holidays. I was feeling pretty low yesterday about this sleep problem of mine. So yeah! Also been worrying about DS3's sleep which isn't good at the moment.

WillSurvive hope your day yesterday went ok yesterday.

Kizzie I think that's a good meaning of life. I feel so grateful in a way that I have such lovely children and DH that I am sure I'd be much, much worse without them. They provide meaning for me, loving them is meaning for me.

I keep thinking I am tempting fate when I sleep well and say 'yeah I am much better'! I don't know.

Better go - read my book for 10 mins before the hoards wake up.

Yesterday (especially church) was a total nightmare for unforeseen reasons (upset within the band that made me feel awful and ready to walk out). Bad night full of dreams compounded by ds being awake and upset at 3am with a leaky nappy and being very very upset and panicky about his back molars so he had me and dh up for half an hour for nurofen and cuddles. Then the job of falling asleep again.

I'm panicking because my friends who form my local support network are on holiday - all of them. There's no one within driving distance if things get too bad. No one to text when I feel like hurting myself and need to know I'm not alone.

If I cry now everyone at work will notice won't they.

Gah what an awful post - sorry guys.

WillSurvive you must post here if you feel that bad and talk to us here. I'll be around most of today (children's party 12-2pm). You are not alone even though we're not geographically close to you.

If you need to cry go to the toilet and have a good cry. Don't worry about it. I used to cry at work. The other day I was having a crying session and the postman knocked on the door. He must have known by my puffy face!

Take care of yourself today. You've got friends here xxxx

Thanks Becky

I just need to get a grip - it is not as if I normally need my friends 24/7 - guess it's just being so aware they're not around

and DH is trying but very occupied with his own stuff. Last night I told him that the upset in the band was triggering flashbacks - not being wanted, not being seen - and then to the abuse. He nodded, kissed me and walked away...

WillSurvive I know what you mean. I always feel worse when I know that if I needed help it wouldn't be there. The PILs went to Tuscany for two weeks recently and although I so rarely need their help I hated them not being around.

Your DH probably didn't realise what he did and the impact it had. Perhaps he thought you needed to be by yourself but have the reassurance of a kiss, that he understood without needing to talk?

Hi all

Sorry I?ve been a bit quiet ? we had friends staying all weekend and I was so shattered! Had a really sore throat from all the talking. Was lovely to catch up with them but it was quite hard work being ?on the go? the whole time, cooking, washing up, hosting etc. etc.!

The Saturday night I didn?t sleep at all well, think I was just conscious of them being in the spare room, hoping they were ok, not too hot, etc! Silly me! They all slept fine, it was me that was up half the night. So Sunday I felt really really tired but managed to get through.

Was anxious about going to bed last night. I tried to doze on the sofa in front of the TV for a while but could not switch off. I watched ?coast? which was lovely and relaxing. Went to bed at about 10:30. Listened to Paul Mckenna and heard the CD all the way through for the first time. Didn?t get me to sleep but I did feel more relaxed at least. Think I must have got to sleep fairly soon though as didn?t hear DH come to bed.

Feel refreshed today. Am so pleased with myself for not resorting to zopiclone / diazepam! I nearly nearly did! But then thought NO my body CAN sleep. It is designed for sleep, there is no reason why I shouldn?t sleep blah blah blah. My friends that came this weekend bought me a book about controlling our thoughts and turning them to positives, it is called ?The Battlefield of the Mind? ? it?s a Christian book about learning to conquer anxiety, depression, chronic worry etc. I started it last night, it is very helpful. My lovely friend knows I suffer with anxiety / depression, and she was so thoughtful to get it for me!! I really miss her ? she was my best friend when we lived in Brighton.

So sorry you are so low willsurvive and that your friends are away. As becky says, we are here! Please please talk to us! We will try and comfort you, and help you as you talk to us. Sorry church was so hard. There is sometimes tension in our music group in our church too, it?s such a spiritual battleground isn?t it? The guy that leads, often feels discouraged about it ? recently they tried to encorporate the organ with the drums and he had lots of complaints! Some people!! I think at times like this we really have to go back to basics, and think ?what does God really want of me?? He doesn?t insist on perfect music or a happy, ?coping? façade - but for us to be ourselves, weak, humble, aware of our need, aware that we need Him, aware that we can?t do it without Him. I hope you are feeling a bit better today willsurvive. Please keep on fighting and never give up. When you get the urge to harm yourself please think of Jesus on the cross and how much he loves you and gave up for you so you could be made whole again.

Hope you get on ok today becky with your lovely boys. What are you going to do with them today? Great you slept last night BTW.

How are you doing kizzie - any improvement with regards to the meds?

GetDown well done for resisting medication. As you say you do not need it. You can sleep, and in fact sleep is really, really nice. Glad you had a great time with your friends too

It is so true that we should just accept ourselves for what we are. I'm sure that helps to release the stress of fighting to be better than we are and achieve so much and appear to be coping so well.

We're going to a party run by this guy today: creepy crawlies

Should be fun. I've seen him before. I've had teranchulas and all sorts on my hands. The only thing I refused to touch was the millipede.

Thanks you - feel bad and a fraud - should be able to pull myself together and not moan so much

Getdown our long standing worship leaders were fired a few months ago. Two of their friends still remain in the band and resist change. I only recently got involved (have lots of experience in previous churches). Yesterday i arrived to find that these two who had not been at rehearsal had come on the day - got themselves a music stand and microphone each and I was then told there were no more mikes or music stands could I stand at the back and look over their shoulder (and presumably sing without mic particularly those songs I was leading ). I said no - I'm playing guitar I need to see music, why can't some of the singers share particularly those who were not here Monday. Ooh that was bad of me. They could not possibly be expected to share so they went off in a huff leaving me in tears. And feel really unwanted, invisible, unnoticed. I got a lot of support but that didn't stop it triggering flashbacks to no one noticing me being abused and me feeling so alone.

Just feel stupid

And need to go to practice tonight now so we can talk it out. Don't want to go. Not playing this Sunday anyway.

Oh willsurvive - you are not a fraud and no you shouldn't have the "pull myself together" mentality! We need to talk about things, to work through them. It is not "moaning". You give so much advice to others on here... what advice would you give yourself if you saw your own post? You would say "come on, we are here for you, you are not a fraud, this is not moaning, this is a forum to air how you are feeling" wouldn't you? Be kind to yourself. You need to be patient and kind to yourself - I learned that from my new book last night - Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer.

Sorry to hear the worship situation. That is so . It's tragic the way people can be so so petty and hold grudges like that. God just wants us to praise Him - when arguments like that happen over worship - of all things - it must really grieve him. Those other people were totally out of order not letting you see the music or have your own mike / stand when you were the one playing and leading! Certainly singers should be able to share a stand / mike!! And to storm off in a huff - how hurtful and pathetic! No wonder you were upset . It's so horrible that it caused those flashbacks of being ignored and invisible. I bet if those people knew what they'd done to you inside they would feel very ashamed.

Willsurvive. you're not a fraud in anyway. Something like would really upset most people - never mind having all the abuse memories triggered. I think situations like that can really knock you for six.
Im sorry you are having such a hard day .

Im really struggling with the lows at the moment. I seem to have had a bit more control over the anxiety over the last few days but if anything i find the depression/lows even harder to deal with. It is just like having a veil over everything and my personality has disappeared. When I first had PND it was anxiety based (so severe anxiety/panic attacks etc.) but didnt really have actual depression. That has appeared later.

I think Ive probably said this before but I am so scared that the AD's have changed something in my brain because i have been on them for so long (11 years) even though generally its been on quite small doses.

x

WillSurvive you are so not a fraud at all. I feel so sorry for what happened yesterday. It would upset me. Please don't feel you can't let loose here. That's what we are here for and you have given me such good advice on my bad days.

In haste MIL here... She keeps asking me how she can help with the DSs. I feel like I should create a situation where I need her help just to make her feel needed!

Really, really restless night for me. I fell asleep fine but in the early hours tossing and turning, weird dreams, all sorts of things, poor DH must hate it when I am like that. I wake up not feeling particularly rested at all. But I'd still regard that as a relatively 'good' night. I went to bed quite anxious though as DS1 spent all evening walking around with a blue bucket claiming he felt really sick so I was worried about him. I hope he's ok today.

How is everyone else today? WillSurvive how are you today?

Day Two of school holidays - no plans yet for today.

Morning Becky - saw your facebook status and recognised the feeling hope you don't feel too tired and that DS is ok.

Went to a meeting last night with the band to trash out what happened and led by our humble, mature and peace maker bass player/second in command we all took our share of responsibility, realised how badly we had communicated and how quickly we had let things escalate and we've all made up.

Felt very tired and tearful yesterday evening but just can't cry - think I would feel so much better for it. Night was an odd mix of deep sleep, dreams, nightmares and odd waking times. I feel awful today - IBS playing up as well (stress) and I just don't want to be here.Feel there's 3ft of glass between me and the world, and even a ft or so between me and ds/dh

But hey ho - DS's physio due in half an hour so best get on with things.

Willsurvive - i really recognise the glass wall feeling. Really battling with it myself at the moment. Im glad you got everything sorted with the band so you dont have it weighing on your mind.

Sorry you are also struggling Kizzie - are you working? (sorry lost track)

Getdown how has your night been?

Hi there

Glad you made up willsurvive That's good that weight has lifted off your shoulders.

My night was not too bad thanks, but last few mornings I have woken with a really severe headache and have had to reach for the paracetamol straight away Don't know what all that is about. I'm not downing alcohol until the early hours - honest!

Am going away for a few days tomorrow. With a group of friends from church. There will be 6 adults and 4 children including DD. Am a bit nervous already about the sleep! I struggle to sleep when there are others in the house! Ah well, I'm going to arm myself with i-pod and mr. mckenna!

GetDown you'll be fine! So long as you have our friend Paul you'll be fine. We'll miss you here though...

I'm soooo busy with work today and juggling clingy DS3 and DS2 and DS1 running riot around me. I like school holidays though. I like to just do nothing. One of my friends feels she has to fill every day with 'fun' activities. I can't see the point. My happiest memories of childhood are just playing at home and using my imagination.

DS1 and DS2 are picking apples from our apple tree at the moment. Looks like we're in for a bumper harvest. Anyone want any cooking apples???

WillSurvive big hug to you for all that you are going through. It won't be like this forever. Take each day as it comes, mindfulness and all that, each moment.

Better do some work while DS3 has his second nap. We're off to the swings later, weather permitting.

thanks becky Am back on sunday so will catch up with you all then

I've not got a fancy i-phone or anything to surf with, just DH's old hand-me-down! (I'm a mere pay-as-you-go type)

Totally with you re. staying at home activities. Some people seem obsessed with going to expensive days out things which ends up with everyone exhausted and ratty and relieves you of lots of cash. Once in a while is ok, but not all the time. I like chilling at home...

Ahhh apples, not sure they'd survive the trip from shropshire to hertfordshire??

willsurvive how are you feeling now?

I need to start packing..... hmm, where to start?