Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

Hello! We're back! Very, very hard work and I got really quite snappy at times with DS1 and DS2, which I hate doing, but we had a great time and I slept okish last night - despite nightmare at about midnight which was really scary (or I woke up feeling really scared). DS3 only woke once at midnight. DS3 loved the sea!!!!! He really did.

That's brilliant, I'm so pleased for you Becky, that's a major achievement and shows how you're improving!
I'm good too, I have slept really well this weekend and even had an afternoon nap today when DP took DD to the allotment

And I slept well again last night despite it being Sunday! I'm hoping to take the DSs for two nights next time and then DH and I are taking everyone for a whole week in August. I don't want to tempt fate but it does feel like gradually things are getting better. I need to accept that I might have blips / bad nights still but I know that I can get over those. The anxiety is hopefully going to gradually reduce too. I had anxiety after DS1 and DS2 and I remember it being much better by the time they were 18 months (seems ages from now still but it was really gradual).

So pleased you're sleeping better too Arcadia and able to have a nap! Naps are great, I think, if you can manage them and there's no pressure 'ooooh I must sleep' but it's nice to just lie down, close you eyes 'for five minutes' and then wake up half an hour later and think 'oh my god I've been asleep'!

That's great Becky, I have a good feeling too that we've turned a bit of a corner. As you say it will be very gradual but it is much better.

How is your DS3 doing? He does look very cute in the pics. My DD is amazing. Because she's our first we're just so excited by all the changes and at the moment she seems so different every day. finally she is sitting on her own so can play for longer. She's so chatty and communicative. Taking her out is like being out with a celebrity - she smiles around at everyone so people stop to say hello!

Have finally plucked up the courage to email my boss re. returning to work part time in the autumn.
Am so scared I'm shaking.
Pathetic isn't it! He just really scares me, and if he's nasty about it at all then I will be so upset. Think that's why I've been putting it off...
I'll keep you posted. Hand holding please!

I'm here - hand holding! Arcadia well done for emailing him. I'm going to do a bit of work now as DS3 is in his cot about to fall asleep. It's hot here - wish I were by the seaside still!

Well done becky - glad you had a good trip.

I am having a bit of a luxurious day! Have taken the day off (had build up of flexi leave that I had to "use or lose") and it's DD's nursery day - so am completely alone in the house! Bliss!

Had my psychiatrist appt this morning (which was a bit of a rubbish start to an otherwise free day!) but it went ok. She was a bit when I said how far I've reduced my medication, but she basically couldn't say anything as evidence shows I have been fine! She also said why am I bothering to take 7.5mg of mirtazapine because "it wouldn't be having any effect whatsoever"... I said I thought I was still a bit psychologically dependent on it for sleep - she said she doubts it is doing anything for me at all!

So, I take that as a positive, basically I am surviving, sleeping and happy on no drugs!! Hurrah! I see it as a green light to basically come off my last bit of medication and be drug free for the first time in over 2 years. Very excited.

Seeing the peri-natal psychiatrist on 2nd august! Eeeeek!

Glad you're all sleeping ok. Hope your boss reacts in a good way arcadia - how horrible to have a scary boss. Thankfully mine is a very mumsy-middle aged lady who is very understanding! It kind of helps that she has kids - she is often rearranging her days, coming in late etc. because of her kids so she does understand. Hopefully he will be ok arcadia... if he refuses part time what do you think you will do?

Get down - really glad your appointment went well.

Im really sorry guys - im back to needing handholding. Feeling very low and frightened by it all again . Think i might ressurect my old thread again as dont want to take the attention away from you on here - although worried that people will be fed up of answering me.

x

Nooooooo kizzie ! We are all here to support each other. Feel free to post here as much as you like, ok? None of this talk of people getting fed up of you

Sorry to hear you are feeling low and frightened again Oh kizzie what's been happening? Is it your meds again?

Are you at work?

You will get through this. Keep telling yourself over and over if necessary.

kizzie try not to think about the future, think about the here and now. Think about today and how you are today.

Nobody is going to get fed up of you - that's what these threads are for - for people going through / who have been through the same thing to give each other support during bad times as well as good.

thank you both - i did start up old thread but you are so kind to me on here.
I am at work but really struggling.
It all started up again about 8/9 days ago and has really taken hold again.
Im on 50mg of anafranil/clomipramine which is the dose i got well on last time.
Problem is that I dont do very well on higher doses so its a bit of a fine line. I really thought Id turned the corner because had felt so much better for a number of weeks.
When i saw the psychiatrist about 3 weeks ago. He said 'you look great, all seems fine - I'll see you once more in the summer and then hopefully discharge you' - which Im always pleased to hear.
DH is really worried too - i think he also thought that worst was over with - and because I said i had no intention of coming off the medication then all would be ok long term.

IME the road to recovery is pretty bumpy. I had many set backs where it felt I was seriously going downhill again, and feared I would end up in hospital all over again.

The fear does kind of fuel it, and you can feel terrible..

However, ups and downs on the road is normal and to be expected.

Was there anything in particular that happened 8/9 days ago to trigger it?

kizzie what are your symptoms? Is it mainly anxiety and low feeling? Does the former cause the latter? Is there anything that might have triggered this latest down turn? I don't know enough about medication and how it works though. Do you take any other supplements?

i dont think there was anything in particular that triggered it 8 days ago. Work busy - but no more than normal.

At the moment symptoms are mix of severe anxiety (really shaking as well as the mental anxiety for no apparent reason) and depression.

I take a multivit/min and 2 fish oil capsules every day.

If i really dig down i think my biggest fear at the moment is that because I have allowed myself to go so far down again - can my brain recover. I know it sounds ridiculous.

Well you were ill before weren't you, maybe worse than now, and you recovered?

Yes, you can recover again. Of course you can. The mind is amazingly resilient. It can go through utter meltdown and come back again.

And actually you emerge an even stronger person, more humble, more empathetic towards others, more understanding of yourself.

You will come through it, you really will.

thanks get down xx

Well mixed news here.
Got DP to look with me when got email from boss as I was so nervous.
Boss has agreed to me working three days a week (but mon, wed and fri - bit rubbish in some ways but at least DD never in nursery two days in a row) but has totally stiffed me on the salary .
Is still offering me £5k less than what I know some on same level are getting. he seems to imply that some are on less than I think.
I suppose I need to sleep on it.
At least he's agreeing to part time.
Maybe I can just look for a new job in a year or two when I more qualified.
It just means that having DD was lousy timing job wise, no negotiating power..
Has caused me and DP to argue too. He won't countenance me not returning to work. Implies I'm lazy etc. Says I would be throwing away my studying/hard work.
After paying nursery fees I will be earning £85 a week. Is it worth it?
I will be missing out on time with my DD who may be the only child we will have .

Arcadia that's a difficult one. I was in a similar position after DS1 when I was to be going back part time but worked out I'd be taking home £50 after train fair and child care and it wasn't worth it. I went freelance instead but that was an option with working in publishing (and is what I still do now). But if it means you keep your skills, and continue to build up your career, perhaps it is worth it? I know what you mean about not spending all that time with DD though. It's a really hard decision. For what it is worth I actually think spacing out her nursery days is good for her - she might get really tired at nursery and a day at home between might be a good thing.

I've had a relatively bad night. I just went to bed thinking 'what if i don't sleep'. Stupid me. Took me a while to get to sleep and then woke when DH's alarm went off 5am full of anxiety - tense stomach, sicky feeling, horrible, horrible, horrible. I hate it. I've been doing so well too. My period is coming up at the weekend and I am always a bit of a mess the week before my period. But what can I do about that? Nothing at all.

hi becky thanks for your post sorry you had a bad night .
I had a bad night too .
I woke around 3ish which is early for me (usually around 5) and just couldn't get back to sleep so came downstairs, had warm milk and banana and tried going back to bed. In a way I just resigned myself to not sleeping but did get back off to sleep by concentrating on and counting my breaths so have probably had around 7 hours total (though restless and some bad dreams).
It's mainly the work thing bothering me. Just makes me feel angry with DP . He seems to have no ability to empathise with me and seems to 'side' with my boss. He says things like 'I just don't want you to turn into your mother' (she gave up work when I was small) which he knows is really emotive as I don't want to be like her either! (she's quite depressive etc.). He also says things like don't take it personally, but how can I not when I know less experienced colleagues are earning more than me !
Anyway I am more angry with my boss really and just feel humiliated. How am I going to get another job in this economy having just had a baby and wanting to work part time? He knows that and is taking the p*. It's not fair.
I know this is self-centred whingeing and I'm lucky to have a job in this climate but it really gets to my sense of justice .
I also get really emotional about DD going to nursery even though a few months ago I would have loved the idea!
How much does your DS3 go, becky, and have they all been to nursery? Does he enjoy it?
Bloody Oliver James, I would feel perfectly OK about it if it wasn't for him !
Lots of at the moment, maybe I have PMT too?!

DS1 went to nursery two mornings a week from age 1 until 3 when he started preschool, which was 4 mornings a week. DS2 went to a childminder 3 mornings a week from age 1 and he loved it there. I actually think childminders for that age are better than nurseries. They are cheaper too - would this be worth considering for your DD? I would like to find a childminder for DS3 from around 1 for a couple of mornings a week but I haven't done anything about it yet. DS1 did like his nursery but he did cry when I took him. DS2 loved going to the childminder's house (and still talks about her even now 2 years later).

Oliver James! I'm guessing you read that famous book!

I do think your DP is being a bit unreasonable and unfair talking about your mum (you are not your mum!) - you need to do what you want to do and what feels right for you and DD. My DH was keen for me to work in some way too after DS1. He wanted me to be happier as I think he sensed I wasn't happy just being at home with DS1 all the time.

DS3 is not settling... better check on him!

Sorry to hear you both had bad nights.

I seemed to sleep ok but had very vivid dreams. Dreamed that I was a teacher back at my old secondary school... I kept needing the loo and whenever I went to the toilet, one of the children would come in and stop me going!!

Needless to say, I woke up needing the toilet

and really hot, because I had the duvet over me and it was roasting last night!

Sorry about your boss arcadia - sounds like he knows he's got power over you, and that you are basically at his mercy to accept whatever he offers you . Does seem very unfair. Do you know for definite someone more junior is being paid more, because sometimes people can "talk themselves up" a bit IYSWIM and they may not be on more than you after all, but just a thought. He does sound like a difficult man.

May be best to go back for the minimum period so you don't lose your maternity pay (it's 3 months where I work) and then look at getting something else if poss. I know it's difficult in this climate though.

DH is really really fed up in his job He came home yesterday looking sooo dejected, I've never seen him like that before. He's applied for something else but it's in London and I do worry about the commute (selfishly really - he wouldn't be back for DD's bedtime, and if we have another, would I cope???)

Your DP doesn't sound very understanding about your job situation arcadia Can you explain to him a bit more about how you're feeling? Seems he doesn't really "get it". DD goes to a nursery 1 day a week and my mum has her the other 2. Yes she enjoys her nursery day and I think it's good for them to have a bit of non-mummy time. We didn't look at childminders in the end, as I was worried about reliability e.g. if they were sick it's just one person, whereas at a nursery they guarantee to have your child pretty much whatever. But there are pros and cons to each. I guess if you find a really good childminder it would be nice for a child to have that one person to form a relationship with, rather than an endless stream of different nursery staff,

Hope you are doing ok today becky

I'm fine. Worried about the post 'stuck in a rut'. I don't know what else to say to her.

I don't mean to be cynical, but do you think she is for real? Doesn't sound like someone suicidal to me.

I don't know. I wouldn't want to suggest that in case she is for real. Why would she post like that if not, just to provoke attention? Well it's worked if that is the case.

I know what you mean, it's hard to tell. But if she really is for real she sounds very cool and collected. If she has already made up her mind there's nothing any of us can say