Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

Hi there started to post yesterday but didn't have time to finish it.
Anyway in summary the visit to the nursery went really well and they are quite flexible which should help with negotiating part time hours with my boss (who is not the easiest person to deal with). Am worried about approaching him but it has to be done and I am drafting a letter this week which I'm going to go through with DP. Worst boss can do is say no/be a total arse about it in which case I'll have an excuse to not go back/look for another job! There is some legislation which helps that I've been looking at. Wouldn't want to get into legal stuff though, my boss is a lawyer!

Slept OK last night. I took a nytol again (tried without the night before). Slept for six hours straight then dozed another two so not too bad at all. I was so shattered I don't even remember waiting to go off to sleep! It's definitely a pattern, after a couple of bad nights the body 'gives in'.

Still feeling anxious especially about my mum. I know what you mean GetDown, it's a difficult relationship. I definitely wouldn't want her staying! On the other hand I am just really disappointed and hurt that she is not helping much at all with DD as she was so keen before DD was born, and she only lives ten miles away. Now there are all sorts of excuses and problems. My mum has lots of issues and has been on her own for nearly 25 years (since my dad died) and is quite isolated and depends on us children for emotional support but it's not fair on us. I've never been able to get angry with her properly because she's quite 'vulnerable', but that's part of the problem, that I'm always trying to protect her but also really angry with her. I had a long chat with my aunt yesterday anyway which helped, and my sister is helping out a bit (they have had similar issues recently over my sister's kids).

Anyway am hoping to go swimming today with a friend. Wednesday already! DP is being really good and supportive. At least that is going well . Plus DD is being hilarious, talking loads, and appears to be speaking arabic! .

Kizzie sounds like you are pretty grounded even if you are feeling rough. Keep chatting on here. We always have at least one of us having a rough patch but luckily never all at once!

Becky am trying to think of something to get your DH's nan! Need to be able to post it... how about scented drawer liners or notelets or something like that? Bit boring but easy to post! Actually I'm rubbish at buying presents, not one of my strong points.

Long post whilst DD has her first micro-nap of the day!

Hi there.

Not such a good night for me

I went round to a friends house last night and realised when I got back I'd forgotten to take my mirtazapine. (Normally take it at 8pm)

Psychologically I thought "oh no, i'm never going to sleep now!!!" And sure enough I lay there awake for ages, panicking and berating myself for not taking my pill.

I really don't think in reality it was to do with the pill as I only take half of the smallest dose they make now... but still, had that awful feeling that I wouldn't be able to sleep without it

Eventually fell asleep at about 2am.

At work today, don't feel too bad as yet.

Just having a wobble that I will never be able to get off my wretched pills

Hope you are all ok today.

Regarding DH's nan's present becky hmmm that's a tricky one. What to get a ninety year old lady? (goes without saying that DH won't get it then? - my DH is just the same!)

How about a tin of biscuits (but heavy to post) - or something to wear - a nice comfy fleece, ...errr... book of crosswords? ... a bed spread. Sorry you can see I am struggling here!

Hi GetDown I cross posted with you!
Sorry you had a not so good night. I'm exactly the same with my nytol though. Now take it every night which I know is not good but when I don't it is as you describe. Must be psychological tho as it can't really be affecting me any more as have been taking it so long.
I'm sure you will get off them though. I guess if you just keep taking less and less then maybe take something innocuous like a homeopathic pill or something instead that would help. I think it's partly the ritual and security of 'taking something' rather than the effect of the drug itself.

GetDown you did fall asleep eventually so that is good and that is without your AD (going from half a dose to nothing)! You will get off the pills because you are doing it as you should be doing it slowly and steadily (except last night). You will do it. I have lots of confidence in you. You've got down to half already! I think you've done so well so far.

Thanks for the ideas for DH's nan. Someone on facebook suggested a music CD of wartime music as apparently people with dementia react really well to music (I've read this somewhere too). So will take a look in HMV later. Of course DH isn't going to get the present. DH always leaves his family to the last minute and then I end up doing it in a rush. That's him all over. I'm used to it. I might also get a photo printed of the three DSs and put it in a frame and post (wrapped in tonnes of bubble wrap!).

Arcadia I feel for you with your mum. It's hard that you are in the 'parent' role with her somewhat and no wonder your feelings built up and exploded yesterday. I've had ups and downs with my mum and I think having a child can be really difficult for the mother-daughter relationship. When I was tryiing and failing to breastfeed I could have murdered my mum quite easily with her 'just give him a bottle' comments ALL THE TIME and 'it's cruel to leave him so hungry he obviously needs more'. Grrrrr. My mum comes to visit every Wednesday now and she only stays for a few hours. I really appreciate it and love to see her but by 2pm I am ready for her to go home. She's due any minute now...

Becky does your mum help or do you just 'hang out' together? I always said I wouldn't expect my mum to do anything to help and that people shouldn't expect free child care. However, DP's parents are so into DD and have helped so much but unfortunately live too far away to do it day to day when i go back to work (and there's no space for them to stay here). They love it, she loves it, and we love it so everyone is happy! I would like it to be like that with my mum. She needs some joy in her life and I thought that DD might bring that. But for some reason she can't seem to embrace it. It's just frustrating and sad.

That's a shame - does she ever take DD for a walk so you can have a break, etc? My mum does help a little bit. She picks up DS2 from nursery on a Wednesday and will have dS3 on her knee so I can get on with stuff but she doesn't do babysitting or anything but she's 71 now and finds it very trying. She will do the ironing when she's here but she'll moan all the way through 'humpth, not ironing that,I hate ironing, I don't know whose socks are whose' etc. The PIL bend themselves over backwards to help and spend time with the DSs (and ungratefully sometimes I find that a bit much!!! - I'm horrible but at weekends, when they want to come over, I want to just be a family with DH). They are very different from each other. My dad and stepmother don't do anything to help but they do visit and always bring presents. I can't complain about them really - they do let us use their caravan for free

My mum is very hands-on and great with DD, but I just find her staying over 2 nights per week really trying. I just feel so mean having these feelings. DH doesn't really understand it - although he did say he would probably feel the same if it was his mum staying with us each week. I just feel a bit suffocated by her Also all my feelings of being a crap mummy come out when DD runs to my mum for comfort, rather than me I suppose you could say I am a bit jealous of their relationship (which is awful). It's just because of the terrible PND and hospital stay, I feel like the bonding process with DD was very interrupted, and I've had to work very very hard to correct that. I don't want anyone getting in the way!! Also I feel like my mum gets to have all the "fun" with her, whilst I have to be mean mummy "eat your dinner, don't take your socks off, stop pinching the dog, get down from there, no you can't have an ice lolly, yes it really is bedtime now, no you can't have chocolate mousse for tea. I guess that being a mum you do end up being a bit of a doormat sometimes

Not feeling too bad, tiredness wise. Back from work now. That's me done for the week I love being part time!! Just been into town and got rained on! Wasn't expecting that.

Great idea about the CD of wartime music BTW becky! I bet she'd love that (you may need to show her how to put the CD on tho!! - my 93 grandpa used to put them in the wrong way up and moan that they never worked!)

I've got our anniversary coming up. Totally stumped for present ideas. All DH wants is stuff for his beloved marine fish tank, and I wouldn't have a clue where to start with that!

Getdown I think you are totally normal and reasonable in the way you feel towards your mum staying and your concerns about you and your dd bonding!

Hope you're all coping. Not sleeping much here but have stopped worrying about it.

sorry you didnt have a great night - Get down. Hope tonight better.

Arcadia - I hope all goes ok with your employer - just remember that you have every right to ask for flexible working arrangement.

I went to see my original counsellor today. She is fantastic and just helped me to try and stay as calm as possible. We talked through different options as to why this has happened now - medication not going to work long term this time/ work stress/ busy life etc etc etc. Just going to try and stay as calm as i possibly can for the next few days to see if things improve. I really hope so.

Hope you all have good evening x

Oh my god have I had an afternoon from hell! Took DSs to town to buy DH's nan's present. I left the back door and back gate wide open (I thought I'd locked them but apparently not as DH got home from work to find them wide open - oops). Luckily no-one thought to help themselves to the TV or my laptop, etc. In town it was manic to get presents, get wrapping paper, find somewhere to wrap, buy jiffy bag, get to post office, etc before 5.30pm. We did it. But just before we went to the post office I'd paid a cheque in the bank and on the way home I discovered my bank card was missing. I'd left it in the bank. We ran back and it had closed but managed to persuade someone to open the door. They did have the card but had locked it in the safe and couldn't get it back until tomorrow! Sigh! Then we were late home for tea, and no I'm off to the cinema to see the latest Twilight offering (not really my choice but I'm going along for the ride really).

kizzie that sounds very positive!

WillSurvive I feel for you at the moment - I hope you get some more sleep soon.

Well, I'm off in a min. Good night everyone xxx sleep tight.

Hi guys. I slept reasonably well despite getting home from the cinema to find DH in a strop with me!!!! He'd spent the whole evening looking for the parent end of the baby monitor only to find it in the utility room after 'hours of searching'. I must have put it in there (but it could have been DS2 or even my mum) but his face was thunder when I got in. So I just apologised and went to bed. How I managed to fall asleep is anyone's guess. I hate, hate, hate going to bed on a strop but equally the last thing I wanted at 11pm was an argument about the baby monitor and how DH's evening had been ruined (why he didn't think of switching the baby end off so the parent end would bleep is anyone's guess but I daren't have suggested that to him!). I slept fitfully but better than I expected. I've just written him a long 'I'm sorry' email but I doubt he'll reply as he knows that'll wind me up even more. Ho hum. Men, eh?

Hope everyone is ok today - need to get DSs up now.

Where is everybody? Asleep??

Hi just wrote a message but it got lost! Hope your DH isn't annoyed with you anymore. I always seem to be getting into trouble with my DP over small householdy things!
I've got through the week OK by keeping busy really and am feeling better as it goes on. Have been seeing lots of people and going out. DD on good form too.
Sleeping OK but still wake early and then just doze on and off for a couple of hours from about 5.
Have to sort out going back to work now (am writing to my employer) and also need to get in touch with my mum to sort things out. It's her birthday next week and don't want to leave her hanging. But difficult as I feel angry and sorry at the same time.
Nearly the weekend!

Arcadia - hope you get everything sorted with your mum asap. I hate things like that hanging over me.
Same for you Becky with your DH x

Having a difficult day. Feel very weepy and low. Its been a week now since this started. Normally if i have a 'blip' its lasts 2 or 3 days so im really worried its more than that.
Tried to talk to DH about it but hes also really worried about the long term and impact on children so dont want to worry him too much. Just need him to say that everything will be all right. But know he cant do that. Feeling very confused as to why this is happening. Struggled through the initial side effects etc when upped the dose again because thought that would help me stabilise. that eventually seemed to happen - but then now back to this .

Also feel like ive reached 'compassion fatigue' with people in RL. I needed their support so much earlier in the year. And depression etc is so difficult anyway for people to empathise with.
Sorry this is such a 'me' post - really hoping this starts to lift x

Hi all, things are better now with DH. We had a couple of email exchanges. I just get fed up that he pin points the mistakes so easily (and really leaving the baby monitor in the utility room was something anyone could do) but rarely says 'you do a good job' unless I prompt him!

Kizzie I feel for you. Don't worry about me posts though. That's what we're here for. I don't know what to say though, except please don't despair, this might still be a blip, if you can go down you can go up again.

Arcadia my sleep after 5am is very dozy. I'm used to it now. It's been like that on and off since DS1 was born, more so since DS3 was born. I often just get up at 6am and do work!

Should I take everyone to the caravan this weekend (ie no DH)? I still don't know!

Must dash, DS3 awake and school run to do!

Hi everyone, sorry - I've been so busy these last couple of days! And DH has been doing a job application so has been monopolising the computer in the evenings

Sorry you are having a tough patch kizzie. I think the road to recovery is very bumpy - it can feel like you are as bad as you ever were at times, but it is just the normal part of the road to recovery. There are dips but the general trend is up! Keep going!

I've been sleeping well - thank goodness! Just feels like I am so much happier when I am sleeping well. Still on 7.5 of mirtazapine, but hoping to start shaving bits off in the next few weeks - really gradually.

Have appointment with psychiatrist on monday. Not looking forward to that one. Will have to tell her I have stopped my lithium, and have started to reduce the mirtazapine. She will undoubtedly give me the cat's bum face I don't care though - I just want to show her how good I am feeling and how well I am getting on with life without her poxy lithium!!

Also have my appt come through with the peri-natal specialist on 2nd Aug!! Am excited about that one as she is lovely, and we are going to talk about TTC-ing - eeeek.

Had a couple of friends over this afternoon - with a 3 month old and a 5 month old. They had such gorgeous chubby cheeks and were all gurgly and smiley

thank you for the encouragement

Hope your appointment goes ok GetDown - you have done so well since you dropped the lithium so she really has no reason to moan at you.
x

Sorry people but I just have to share this! Went to GP today and in typical fashion mentioned everything - knees, contraception etc. then finally quickly referred to my sleep problems etc. Asked if I'd been referred for CBT as we discussed previously. She said no. I said please could I be. She said unfortunately not as there was no one currently at the surgery doing it and they were trying to recruit someone but that list is very long even if they find someone. I asked about the central local MH services. She said the waiting list is so long as to be basically forever (not her words but that was the gist). .
I am an outraged middle class english person. To whom may I write a letter?!
Also she said I could just carry on taking nytol basically forever (again not her exact words) .

GetDown I'm quite excited for you and your TTC!

Kizzie sorry you're still feeling down stick with us, we don't mind hearing about it!, and hopefully you'll be on the up again soon.

Thanks for support re my mum. We met up quickly today and it was fine. She made a big fuss of DD which is the way to my heart at the moment! She seems to just want to move on without analysing it which is unusual for her but may be a positive way forward for us! I basically said sorry it came out the way it did but said that I did feel some anger towards her. She seemed to accept that.

ps GetDown hope your DH's job app is for a non-stressful, part-time, but very highly paid job!

Arcadia at your GP. That is crap! I thought 12 months for CBT was bad enough but that is just crap. It is so frustrating when they don't take you seriously (like my GP too). I'm surprised she didn't say 'Have you tried lavender oil?' like my CMT woman keeps saying! Good news about your mum and pleased she made a fuss over DD!

GetDown I was starting to wonder where you were!!! Tell your DH that you need to use the computer to contact your sleepy friends!!!! I have said this before but I think you've done marvelously well reducing your mirtazapine and lithium and doing so well. Your cat's bummed face psychiatrist surely must see that you should be applauded not cat's bum faced!!

Well I've decided to go for it and take the DSs, that's all three of them, by myself, for one night to the caravan. Oh my god. It could go all horribly wrong but it could be fantastic. Wish me luck!

Oh yes becky if you are still there I thought that you should go so glad that you are! Good luck!

Wow, go you becky taking the boys off for a night away - you are much bolder than me!!

Had that funny anxiety last night where I thought I wasn't going to sleep. But then I did sleep so that was good! Got woken up to the sound of a horrible car crash though - we live quite near a dual carriageway.

Apparently one of my neighbours ran out to help. Someone crashed into the central reservation and ran off - she thought perhaps he had been drunk driving and was scared of being breatherlised.

Had a nice day today, been to lunch with a friend, but didn't eat till 3:30 so was a bit light-headed and headachey! Her baby was sick all over me! Thankfully I live only a few minutes away so I ran home and got changed! Ewwww sicky breastmilk all over my favourite jeans!

Hope you are all ok.

Am really annoyed for you arcadia about not being put on the list for CBT. Surely if they are recruiting someone, then they will be able to provide it in the near future? Even if the waiting list is long, it's still worth being put on it I would think. I don't know what to suggest in terms of complaining... maybe practise manager, or PALS?

Hi GetDown in a way I don't mind that much as I feel OK at the mo but it is quite rubbish. I mean, I asked about the list at the practice and she said there were about 20 people on it. Why can't I be added? What is annoying is she hasn't suggested anything other than paying privately which I don't think is on really! Don't they have an obligation to provide these services? In a way I think she thinks I am just a bit anxious but basically alright. In a way that is reassuring, in another way it is a bit patronising.

Glad you had a nice day. I couldn't cope not eating til 3.30 I get terrible low blood sugar problem!

Hi arcadia - rubbish isn't it? I wonder if they kind of look at people and judge whether they could afford to go private... I wouldn't be surprised. But you're right, you should be able to get that service on the NHS.

Would private be an option though? You could just have, say, 5 sessions?

I had mine with a "trainee" who was very close to qualifying and that made it much cheaper.

And you can get more time for your money by doing a summary of your history and how you have been, and getting them to read it in advance so they are up to speed on your issues without having to take up a whole session!

hi GetDown I did see someone privately, twice, which was £60 a time. I did send her a detailed history but not sure she'd properly read it . It didn't really seem to be going anywhere though so I stopped going. It's so hard to find the right person and to find the time to go. She just seemed slightly too blase, somehow.

I'm starting some more counselling this week, which is free through one of the family centres, which is psychotherapy and more around bonding etc. I'm hoping that will be good. I don't feel me and DD have too much in the way of bonding issues now but I'd like to go over the early stuff a bit and also talk about my own parents a bit too. Also the gender thing (I have worries about raising a girl).

Overall though I am so much better and continuing to improve. slept around 9 or 10 hours Saturday night and around 8 last night so feeling really good. would like to get off the nytol though at some point.

DD being gorgeous and am just feeling so much more capable as a mum (tho meal times bit of a nightmare!) and not to say I won't be on here moaning again soon!

Hope becky's weekend has gone OK!