Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

Arcadia don't beat yourself up about this. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling like this. It is a major life change having a baby and they do consume your time from the minute they wake up until they go to bed and it is very hard. I'm used to it now, or should be, but I still resent the loss of time to myself. It is hard when you can't even pop to the shop for a pint of milk without it turning into a major expedition, or go off and read a book / have a cup of coffee / read the paper, or lie in bed on a Sunday morning. It is really hard getting used to this. Does your DP let you have breaks when he's around? My DH does but he sometimes needs prompting and I get so cross, inwardly, with him when he just slopes off for a nap assuming I'll look after everyone (on Saturday he had a 2-hour nap without telling me he was going to, just assuming I'd look after everyone happily).

Sorry you had a bad night. I'm feeling down at the moment too. I know it's the wrong way to be but being positive all the time is very tirying.

It does get easier. Your DD must be about 7 months now? DS3 is asleep now too.

Morning All

I'm not great. Had three really bad nights. Friday still awake at 2am, then awake again at 7 and couldnt lie in. Saturday had a bit too much to drink so slept well until I woke up with headache. Last night still awake at 2am and I had to eventually get up! Am very tired today could so easily have slept in. And then somebody crashed into me whilst I was on my way to work! What a start to a Monday morning.

I remain positive though because remember this ladies at some stage your body and mind will give in and let you sleep. This is my PST. I will be having a very early night tonight and my DH is only away a couple of nights this week so thats brilliant for me. I think I've just got so much stress in my life at the moment I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Becky. Chin up lovee it does get easier with time and you will come to understand that this is temporary, you are probably stressed with new baby etc.

Arcadia. Lots of positive thinking needed for you and again just know that you will sleep definitely.

Getdown. How is your back?

Laura poor you! Is it the medication messing with your sleep? I found when I took fluoxitine / prozac I slept one night 11pm-2am then wide awake like a frightened rabbit for the rest of the night and I think something similar the next night - it was like jet lag but with added anxiety. In my case I couldn't hack it because the other symptoms were awful too.

I'm trying to feel positive!

PST: I will sleep better tonight because I'm learning how to relax better and doing lots of deep breathing exercises it really does help with sleep.

Hi there sounds like we're all a bit down today . I do find mondays difficult.

I just went to a nice baby massage session with DD (who is getting a bit old for it really!) grinning and chatting throughout! Yes she's seven and a half months old now becky, I think a couple of weeks younger than your DS3. DP does loads to help but he finds it really hard too. He is a real 'peace and quiet' sort of a person and he did warn me of this before we had DD but I was determined to get my way and really persuaded him into having her. Of course he loves her but he finds it difficult too, and because it was so much my wish to have a baby I do feel like I should deal with the consequences and give him a bit of a break. Also he's really busy at work and he is a star at doing the mornings, I feel guilty about how tired he gets.

Laura I wonder if it's the initial side effects of the citalopram affecting your sleep? TBH if I wasn't worried about that I think I'd be taking them myself. Have you thought about trying a different kind, or do they work for you well in other ways?

I took a temazepam last night and I don't think I'm ever going to take one again. It did something really weird to me. I woke up after about three hours and moved beds, went back to sleep, but had the most bizarre nighmare/night terror but so much more real than a nightmare, like I was having terrible emotions of having some kind of breakdown, and woke up in a real panic after an hour and a half. I feel a bit better again now but I'm sure they do something horrible, don't find them sedating at all now (they worked initially, when I couldn't sleep at all). Now I sleep OK most nights unless I'm disturbed.

Sorry bit of a ramble but I need to get this stuff off my chest as other mums have their own issues to deal with or are all cheerful and happy and I don't want to let on about my bad days.

I'm going to the GP again on Friday but may end up just talking about physical stuff as I'm not sure they will be any use to me. May check they've put me down for CBT (in a years time!) though.

What are your deep breathing exercises Becky? Yoga is good too - could you get to a class do you think?

Arcadia I've been reading a book called Tired But Wired and it has some breathing exercises in there which I have found quite good and relaxing. I'd love to do yoga but guess what? No spare time!

I find sleeping pills / diazepam (which might be similar to temazepam I don't know) really horrible. I hate them. They just make your sleep heavy and horrible and you feel like crap the next day. I also feel so riddled with guilt every time I take something, even a herbal tablet.

My CBT here has a year's wait too! I'm on the waiting list. One week down, 51 to go!

I know what you mean about letting on about bad days. I went out with three friends the other night and for some reason we got on the subject of babies and two admitted they'd spent the first three months crying almost every day about little things and one said she really wanted to walk out on her family. People just don't talk about these things normally!

Sorry a bit quiet from me today - been at work and been quite busy today.

Just got home to find dog had been sick Thankfully it's laminate so not too bad to clean up.

arcadia glad you had a good time away, but oh please don't worry your feelings sound perfectly normal to me! I went through a stage when DD was about 9 months where I really felt I was not cut out for motherhood. I didn't enjoy being with her - I just felt so anxious all the time there was no pleasure. I hated the early mornings too, as like you, I feel rotten when I have to get up before I feel ready.
Honestly, it does get better! I think for me the breakthrough was when she started to talk - then it felt like I actually had a little person keeping me company, rather than just a kind of "thing" that gave me loads of work (sorry that sounds awful ). If she gets me up early now, I can usually explain to her that mummy is feeling tired and please can you not shout et.c etc. She doesn't always listen but at least I feel I can try and explain things to her a bit more.

I'm like you I hate taking pills for sleep. Temazepam had a v strange reaction with me too, not nightmares, but a strange kind of "half sleep" and I felt awful the next day. I took 3x the dose one night as I was so desperate but it still did not make me sleep properly!

laurasarah so sorry someone crashed into you are you ok? How rubbish, I dread things like that sooo much. Also that your sleep has not been great I'm so pleased that you are staying positive though - really, that is the only way to beat this thing (believe me I have tried everything )
Thanks re. my back. It is getting better, still not quite right, takes me a while to straighten up, but not nearly as painful anymore

becky glad you are finding the deep breathing helpful. I tried it myself a while ago, but my stupid body kept reacting by making my heart beat faster! So in the end, I found it didn't help me much. However, I have a really basic yoga DVD which I have got into again (through trying to help my back) and the connecting breathing and movement has been really helpful and I definitely feel calmer afterwards.

Hi there thanks for your responses, I need it today. Nearly through another day though!
You do make me laugh GetDown, I love the way you put it, the 'thing' you have to do things for! That's exactly it, sometimes. I just wish that it was admitted more openly that the warm serene maternal feelings are not there all the time! I can have a day with DD where I am patient and loving and kind and all the rest of but just one minute where I feel annoyed with her can ruin my day because I feel like I'm a bad person. I'm looking forward to her speaking because I'm such a chatty person myself and talking to people is what makes me feel close to them. It's frustrating for me and probably her that we can't talk.
I also think it's loss of control - it's as if everything has been taken out of my hands since the moment I was admitted to hospital in labour.
I'm trying to sort out work now and visiting DD's nursery tomorrow so that may be a good thing (tho' work situation very stressful - it's complicated).
Trying to be positive. May have to be a day by day process this week. Positives today - I've started a letter to my boss re. return to work; I've been out to three different activities with DD; done some food shopping; got DD to eat some dinner this evening; and will be going swimming this evening.
Hope everyone sleeps well tonight .

Arcadia just wait until she learns the word 'mummy' then you'll hear it hundreds of times a day - usually sounding like muuuummmyyyyyyy!!!

Hi ladies - hope you dont mind me jumping in. Just looking for some friendly 'faces'. I had een doing better for the last couple of months after my big dip in feb/march but have been struggling last couple of days . Nothing specific to say - just hello x

Hi kizzie!!! so lovely to hear from you again!

Sorry you are struggling a bit. What's up? How's work going?

It's great the last couple of months have been better, have your meds settled down now?

xxx

Hi Kizzie,was actually thinking about you recently and hoping you were better. Hope you're OK and that work is going OK. We all have our bad days. I've had one today after some really good ones but always feels like square one again! Feel free to share/rant/moan whatever! I think I'll be on here quite a lot to get through this week!

GetDown, still weird sometimes to think I'm someones mummy now !

Hi Kizzie I was thinking about you too the other day thinking how quiet you've been here. So sorry you've had a couple of bad days but so pleased you've had lots of good days, that's great news. I've been as up and down as usual. That seems to be my pattern.

I slept well last night. Yeah! That is despite waking up frequently to find a cat next to me. That same cat is on my knee now rubbing her nose against my hand as I type. She's after something...

Arcadia it took me ages to get used to being someone's mummy and I still have reality checks: 'Oh my god where did these THREE children come from????'

Glad you slept OK Becky. I seem to be on the downward bit of the cycle again - slept from 12ish but was awake from 3.30 til around 5.30 then managed to get a bit more sleep before getting up (can always eventually drop off in the mornings but then feel terrible getting up!). Feel pretty shattered . the horrible thing was that I felt really anxious in the night and I haven't really been like that before. I felt a bit desperate.
Disturbed poor DP as well.
Nothing worked - relaxation exercises, getting up for warm milk etc.
I just seem to be in a negative frame of mind and having distressing thoughts .
This was despite being tired from the night before, having gone swimming in the evening, and nice camomile tea, feeling relaxed at bedtime.
I am really fed up of this too. I know what you mean becky, it sort of hangs over me all the time even when I have slept OK. I can't see that I'll ever be rid of it.

Arcadia that's what I am like at night and it is really horrible. The problem is that the anxiety just makes it ten times worse but it is kind of 'easier' to give in to the anxiety than fight it if you know what I mean. But that doesn't help you sleep though. It's a paradox. Try to take it easy today. Tomorrow might be a better day. You did get some sleep - enough to cope today.

I really wish there was a magic cure. I guess for whatever reason our bodies are on hyper alert and just not dealing with life's crap as well as before. This is what annoys me. I used to be able to cope with hiccups easily and just get on with things but now I can't! I'm going to try to take all three DSs to Wales on Saturday just for one night as a bit of a test for me - I am perhaps totally mad to try. I could go into total meltdown like last time... who knows. Going to the cinema tomorrow night as well - the latest Twilight film (I'm not a big fan but it's a girlie night out!)

It is Sports Day here today - rain willing - DS1 and DS2's part is this afternoon. Even DH has taken time off to see them run!

Hi - very difficult today. Been crying in toilets at work. Had to call my sister to help me calm down. Havent had that for about 10 weeks and thought everything had settled down.
I was really hoping everything was going to continue being ok.
Work has been stressful but nothing i havent coped with in the past. I am wondering if as I get older I cant cope with work in the same way.
Im so disappointed and worried that I have jeopardised everything.
Its hard to remember today - but until friday/saturday - I was definately doing a lot better.

Im also struggling driving - eyes feel very heavy. Its a side effect Ive had before which goes away when im on lower doses - but couldnt even consider reducing at the moment.

I took tablets much earlier last night (6pm) but it didnt make any difference.

Hope you are all ok - sorry to moan.

Kizziex

Oh Kizzie This might really be just a blip, even if it doesn't feel like it. I know that every time I have a bad time I think 'oh my god I'm back to square one' but it isn't necessarily true. Tomorrow is another day.

Don't worry about moaning - that's what we're all here for. I've done my fair share of moaning.

Hi all. Hope you get through the day OK Kizzie.
I am the same today, I'm in total emotional meltdown. have had massive row with my mum on the phone and told her that I hate her, don't think I've ever said anything like that to anyone in my life let alone my mum and [guilty]. So not like me, I am not a confrontational person. We have a difficult relationship and it's all blown up since DD born and everything so difficult and too intense especially as I haven't been sleeping well again. Went to singing group this morning but started crying. Luckily a sympathetic person I know there I could talk to but bit embarrassing don't know her very well . Just spoken to DP in his lunchbreak but really just coping at the moment.
DD being really cute today just making me feel more guilty and tearful. . Sleeping at the moment. I so want to be a good mum for her.
Visiting DD's potential nursery now, feel sad about that too hope I don't cry there !
Rubbish rubbish rubbish

Arcadia I wish I could give you a big hug xxx

I had a day like that on Friday - I cried on the school playground. Being tired makes you very, very emotional.

Take it easy this evening xx

oh no arcadia you poor thing! Sounds like a very stressful time for you,

I remember looking round nurseries for DD and it was horrible. I just kept thinking "I don't want these teenage girls looking after my DD" (they weren't really teenagers, just looked very young to me Also all the worry of work must be playing on your mind - you mentioned work was stressful, and it's a complicated situation.

Do you think you will do part time hours? I do 16hrs a week, and it is just enough so that when I get sick of being at home I can have a break at work, and then when I am sick of work I can have a break at home! Works well for us at the moment

My mum has DD on two of the days and because she doesn't live near, she stays overnight two nights a week. To be honest I find this a struggle. Just feel like she fusses around, tidying my cupboards offering cups of tea (in my kitchen ) and generally being annoying. I can't say anything because I genuinely am grateful to her for having DD, but the staying over gets a bit much. A few times I have been really "off" and snappy with her, which is so not like me normally - we used to have a really good relationship but not really at the moment which does make me sad.

The thing I find most annoying is that if I am snappy with her she thinks it's because my depression is "coming back" I just want to scream "no, it's because you are annoying the hell out of me!!!"

I do sympathise. CAn be so hard with your own mum.

Try to remain positive, hard as it may seem. This is just a duff day in what has been a period of relatively good days for you.

aw thanks so much you girls so sweet of you, will write properly later. Day has improved slightly. Getting through it.

kizzie sorry you are having such a hard day It's so awful to be on the point of tears at work, and having to carry on, hoping noone will notice. It's happened to me a few times. I am terrible at hiding it

I am worried about what you said about struggling to drive... you need to be so careful! Do you ever feel like you are about to nod off at the wheel? In which case it really isn't safe for you to drive. Is there anyway you could get public transport for a while, even a taxi would be worth it if it saves you an accident.

A friend of mine lost her brother suddenly a few months ago. She did a lot of driving to and fro sorting out his house and often drove back absolutely exhausted. She had an accident driving back one evening because she had fallen asleep at the wheel. Thankfully not injured and no one else invoved but the car was a right-off

Hope you can treat yourself tonight to a lovely relaxing evening

thankyou for all the lovely messages and the concern.
Get down - im going to take the tablets even earlier in the day so they dont affect me the next morning. Public transport not possible on those days (about 2 days a week) because journey 60 miles each way - so need to work round it. 6pm wasnt quite early enough so the next time i need to do it I'll take them at 4pm. That seemed to work last time.

Am going to really try with cbt techniques and relaxation over next few days. i feel a bit silly saying that because last time it didnt stop things going down - but this time i am on a proper dose of medication so hopefully it will be enough.

Hope you all get a good sleep x

ps. sorry youve had such a tough day arcadia. Hope tomorrow easier x

Morning all, I hope you have all slept ok. Kizzie I think cbt and relaxation a good idea - even if it doesn't work what have you lost?

Arcadia I hope you had a better night last night - I slept well again although when I sleep well I grind my teeth! (The anxiety just has to come out somehow I guess.) My jaw hurts today.

I need to buy a birthday present for Dh's ninety-year-old nan today (yes, as always things are left to the last minute in this household - her birthday is tomorrow so it needs purchasing, wrapping, and posting in town). She's totally senile, bless her, and doesn't even know her own children. Any ideas anyone???? Help!!!!