Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will

[BeckyBendyLegs]

And here it is!

Actually DH is coming around to the idea of ADs as he sees that I need a bit of a break from this stress I am putting myself under. But I've been skepitcal about them too for ages and ages (partly because I felt so crap taking fluoxitine). I've learnt a lot more about them though and recently found out my niece has taken and is back on the same sort you and CountryLover take as she says she has had big anxiety and insomnia issues. She also said, interestingly, she's never had any problems coming off them (one of my worries).

Bad night for me. I was soooo exhausted last night after standing up all day at the carnival on the tombola stall that I thought 'guaranteed a good sleep'. Nope. Went to bed. Slept 10pm-10.45pm. Woke up. Anxiety about getting to sleep started. Grrrrr. Fell asleep in DS3's spare bed at 1.30am. Woke at 3.30am. Dozed on and off, more off than on, until morning and my stomach is in knots. It's Father's Day and I've ruined it already by crying as soon as DH woke up. I feel so guilty.

oh becky! Sometimes when you've had a manic day your head is just buzzing for ages, isn't it?

That is just like me on tuesday night after my scrapbooking party! My head was so "active" even though I was shattered I just couldn't switch off!

Go easy today. Remember you have had nights worse than that before, and you have got through it. Today will be no harder than any of those.

I know that all you are saying makes sense. I was so tired yesterday it just didn't seem fair that I couldn't sleep and I know I made it worse by getting in a minor tiss about it. Today I feel like a space cadet. We've got Sunday lunch at the 'in-laws today too. Really, really, really not in the mood to play nice happy families with them. And they always go on about how they don't sleep at night making me feel like a meanie moaner.

How are you doing? Did you shave another quarter off your mirtazapine (I can never spell that drug!)?

oh no and you've got the inlaws today... poor you. Aren't they the ones with the show home house?

It's really hard when people say, "oh yes, I sleep really badly too, ha ha, isn't it terrible" and they just look absolutely fine. I think people don't really understand what severe insomnia is like. ~It's one of those things that everyone has a little experience of so therefore thinks it makes them an expert!

Hope it goes well today. Remember me the other day when my inlaws came for that BBQ? I hadn't slept AT ALL the night before. Yet somehow I got through it, and managed to even smile occasionally too! It won't be that bad ..

Yes I shaved a quarter off the mirtazapine last night again, and slept ok Am starting to think I could really do this - get off my medication and possibly think about TTC Feels exciting!

Shit night sleep. Have to drive about 1.5 -2 hrs to day for a days training then drive home round M25. Didn't sleep cos I was anxious about being tired when driving, now I am shattered. Bloody hell!!
Just thought I would share that!! Can't wait for bed tonight x

Topsi poor you. It's so annoying how we do this: worrying about being tired the next day and CRAP SLEEP! Drive carefully and take breaks if you feel really tired.

I slept last night - very solid, to make up for Saturday night I guess. Feel anxious and horrible and full of self-hatred today though for getting in a state about sleep over and over again. When will this horrible nightmare end? I just want to enjoy life again. I feel like I've lost the easy-going happy me. I'm too scared to take the DSs on holiday and this fact makes me feel so utterly guilty and sad. I'd love to take them to the caravan just for one night so they could have some beach time. I will get to a position over a few good nights when I'm really happy and relaxed and loving life and doing loads and being happily manic and then boom! Bad night! Low, low mood. I'm fed up of it.

Hope you are ok topsi take care on the roads, as becky says please take extra time and take breaks if you need to.

Our minds always seem to stop us sleeping when we most need it don't they, grr.

becky I am soooo pleased for you that you slept last night. I was a bit worried that you might not, what with Sat night being bad and the old sunday-night-itis as well, it's brilliant that you slept so well.

Have you thought any more about the mindfulness? It would be good to have something to work on so that this threat of insomnia doesn't keep on ruining things.

I slept ok again, third night on 3/4 mirtazapine!! So pleased!

GetDown that's brilliant! I was worried about you and Sundaynightitus too!

I have had a quick look at the mindfulness but the problem is TIME! There's this website that takes you through various questions but the answers seem quite obvious to me (all about not thinking negatively when bad things happen). Perhaps I'm just cynical at the moment. Generally I am a really positive person I think, except when I haven't slept well!

DS2 wants to write his Christmas list! Oh and then he just drops into conversation 'I wonder why girls don't have willies mummy'. Oh they are so lovely sometimes

Hurrah, am home after an interesting day, have drunk too much coffee today so god knows how I will sleep tonight.
I know how you feel Becky I can be so positive and happy and then a couple of nights bad sleep and it all comes crashing down.
I was amazed last night how such a low level of anxiety could ruin a whole nights sleep. I was laying there and I could feel the tingle of the adrenaline through my body, then I was laying there sweating and tense.
Was nothing to worry about really but when you get in that mind set it is almost impossoble to turn it off. I thought last night, oh what I need is a Paul Mckenna CD to talk me down.
It's a horrible thing to suffer from.

Topsi try Mr McKenna - he has helped me hugely. There are lots of tips in the book too.

I went to a friend's house last night until 10.30pm and got back all pumped up with excitement but did sleep but as is typical of me these days I slept very fitfully. It's hard to describe but it's almost like my body is trying to sleep heavily but my mind and anxiety keeps waking me up! I often wake up feeling groggy and heavy. I feel positive though.

I have another appointment with the CMHT lady on Friday so any tips on what I can say - I guess I just keep plodding on and tell her I've started the mood gym programme on the computer and I have WillSurvivie's very useful printouts (I've started looking at these - very good and interesting stuff). I need to check the CDs out too.

Topsi I hope you slept ok last night.

I ended up taking a diazepam last night

Got really upset with DH as he is working such long hours at the moment (he worked all day both sat and sun) and he got back about 7:30 last night, and then DD woke up and was mega excited to see him so wouldn't go back to sleep.

Didn't eat till about 9pm which is far far too late. I feel so hungry and exhausted by then that I end up getting really ratty.

We had an appointment about getting our wills done back in March and since then the guy from the company has called about 10 times asking if we are going to take it up. It's always me that answers the phone, and because DH has not thought about it I keep having to put the guy off. It's getting soooo embarassing now, it's almost got to the point where I don't want to answer the phone which is ridiculous. DH won't call him back so it's me that has to fob him off each time.

Last night when this guy rang again, and on top of everything else I just kind of "snapped". Ended up eating my dinner upstairs because I couldn't face sitting opposite DH eating in angry silence

I never sleep when we are on bad terms. I did manage to say "sorry" before we went to sleep but he didn't say sorry back, and I feel like it's always me that has to apologise, even though from my point of view, it's him that has upset me

Sorry that sounds so childish and pathetic. I guess I just can't handle parenting DD on my own.

Poor you GetDown. That sounds so similar to me and DP sometimes. I always have to do the planning for us both, and it makes it so hard to get anything organised. Also, if we have our dinner late we always fall out and get snappy with each other (the low blood sugars, I guess!). It must be really hard with him working so hard, honestly I don't know what I'd do if DP wasn't home at 5.30 each day and he does loads to help. He also has DD first thing in the morning so I can have a little lie in, so I know I've got it easy really, but it's still really hard. It doesn't mean you can't cope on your own! You are coping even though it is difficult!

GetDown don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing soooo well under the circumstances. Your DH is working too hard!

I am similar too. I hate falling out with DH and in fact I avoid it (not healthy I know) even when I'm annoyed with him. My DH, like yours, procastinates beyond belief and it drives me really, really mad.

Things he should have done by now:
Uploaded some photos of my friend's little boy's birthday - party was Christmas Eve (she's given up asking me now)
Sorted out getting insulation for our roof (we had quotes given in December)
Bought me a present for DS3's birth (he's got me a present for each child) - 7 months overdue now
Buying a new bed (decision to get one made about a year ago - I've just prompted him again to look at links on website as bed shop have a big sale on at the mo. and I'm getting really bad back ache on our bed)
Putting new fence panels in garden (started in November - finished this weekend)

I fume inside about all this but can't bear the thought of a row about it so keep my mouth shut.

It's horrible going to bed with bad feeling. I can't do it. Even before this all happened I wouldn't be able to sleep after a row with DH and usually would end up getting out of bed to apologise to him at midnight just so I could go back to bed and sleep (even if I thought he was in the wrong too). That's so weak I know.

So you are not childish and pathetic - you are just like the rest of us. Men grrrrr.

But your DH is working so hard and it is so hard on you basically being a single parent at the moment. I know what that is like. It's hard and relentless. I agree with Arcadia you are coping brilliantly and you are reducing your medication as well! You deserve a big pat on the back for all you've achieved so far.

PS I found a new way to help me sleep last night. I've been sewing home-made Japan and Denmark football tops for DS1 and DS2 for school this week and last night I just pictured the needle going in and out, in and out, and that's the last thing I remembered! It was so boring!

Thank you so much arcadia and becky it helps me so much to come on here and "vent" knowing there are people that really understand and can sympathise ( I never go on AIBU anymore because I always get a flaming and unhelpful comments like you should be grateful for what you've got etc. etc.!!!)

You're right arcadia about the low blood sugards causing tension. I reach a point where I am just so depleted physically I just kind of can't take any more and it only takes a tiny thing (like bloomin saleman calling) to tip me into angry mode. Like you I am lucky in that DH normally has DD first thing in the morning which is wonderful. However, she still wakes me up and I rarely get back to sleep. This morning it was 6am and I know that's not too bad, but it still just feels tooooooo early!!

DH is working way too hard at the moment. I just don't know what I can do about it though. He says it's just for a period whilst they've got loads on, but it just becomes the thin end of the wedge doesn't it?

becky I am terrible for confrontation!! I avoid it at all costs, especially before bedtime as I know it just makes it impossible to sleep. I am like you in that I just sometimes apologise in a totally selfish way to avoid an argument and so I can get some sleep! Not very good in terms of conflict resolution though. I end up bottling things up and biting my tongue so many times, and then sometimes it just explodes out!

I am so wary of "losing it" at the moment for fear he or my mum will think it's because of me reducing my medication. I know it isn't because I had these moments before I ever had depression / PND / insomnia, but it's like you now have a stigma once you have been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness IYSWM? It's very frustrating. I feel like I need some lessons in how to communicate in a healthy way rather than bottling things up and eventually leading to me getting very angry and upset over what can seem like a minor thing but is actually a culmination of many things.

And by the way at making DSs football shirts! Well done you! Good tip re thinking of the needle going in and out!

What is AIBU?

GetDown that is so much pressure on you - expecting you to act 'sane' all the time as you reduce your medication. Nobody is like that as you say. Even before you were ill you had your moments as everyone does. I bottle things up too. I've always been a bottleruper (is that a word?). I can't stand tension of any kind. It makes me feel sick and horrible and want to run away.

I love doing creative stuff! The DSs have to wear the colours of their chosen football teams on Thursday at school and I thought 'I know, I'll sew on the words of the countries in the languages on their t-shirts, a flag and a map on the back!' I'll upload photos to my profile if you want to see I just love doing creative stuff.

Hey, no new posts this morning so hope that means everyone slept well !
GetDown, I was thinking, could you and your DH get a night 'off'? DP and I just had one night away together at the weekend (grandparents had DD at our house) and it was so romantic and reminded me of how life can be when work/kids/washing up etc. doesn't get in the way, and how much we love eachother.
Just a thought...

By the way Becky AIBU is Am I Being Unreasonable, another chat page where you get a right battering sometimes!!!
I also bottle things up and hate confrontations. Maybe that goes with being a bit of an anxious type? Funny, because lots of people see me as assertive but I'm terrible in emotional situations (though better with DP than in previous relationships and other family members). My sister is the opposite - just throws it all out there, you always know exactly how she's feeling!

My sister is like that too! She was a real door slammber when she was a teenager whereas I just went off and brooded or read my book in the garden.

I slept well! Mass family trip to the dentist today as well - lovely.

thanks arcadia that is a lovely idea about the night away. I would love to do that with DH sometime... I will suggest it. It's our anniversary in August and was thinking of booking something down in Brighton (we lived and got married down there - 7 years ago now!! - scary!)

He's just working so much at the moment, it's not going to be any time soon!

The good news is I slept really really well last night! Hurrah! and still on 3/4 tablet of mirtazapine!

Hope dentist goes ok becky had to smile at you FB coke and chocolate orange - at least the coke was sugar free anyways!

I have got the football on in the background but not really watching it! The shops were nice and quiet just now. DD is having a sleep and I am having an "orange and lotus flower green tea" (experimenting with diff. caffeine-free teas in the hope of getting off caffeine one of these days!!)

oh yes, becky - AIBU Am I Being Unreasonable? Not a nice board BTW. Avoid!

GetDown I've just had a friend request from one of your friends with the initials JP. I don't know who this is, whether she's a mumsnetter or not?

We passed at the dentist and we bought a new bed for DH and I! Woohoo! Spending lots of money is always fun Football? What football?

I don't know who that is

Facebook message me and I will tell you if they are ok or not

Well done re. dentist! Oooooh new bed!! I want one!!

Grrrr went to bed last night really anxious about sleeping well for no reason at all really except that I have friends coming round for coffee today and DH going to Leeds today. I did sleep though thanks to our friend Mr McK. I just feel cross that I let the anxiety get the better of me. Ah well. I did sleep so I must focus on the positives and I suppose I have to accept (something I'm not good at accepting) that it'll take time to get back totally to normal.

As you say the main thing is that you slept - hurrah!

Enjoy your coffee with friends.

I haven't got any plans for today yet...

Thankfully I slept ok too but had a horrid dream that a massive fly was buzzing round my head and eventually burrowed underneath the covers and under my nightie

So that woke me up about 4am! But got back to sleep which was a relief!