Insomnia friends - help I feel terrible

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Have been generally sleeping well, but last night was awful and it has completely thrown me

I've had a very busy weekend, and was aware when I got into bed that my head was still kind of "whizzing". I also have a job interview next thurs and don't feel I have prepeared nearly enough and won't have much time during the week. So that was playing on my mind.

Today we are going to my parents for my dad's 70th birthday so I will be under pressure to "perform" (they all know I was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit) so they will all be watcing me for "cracks". I hate it.

So, I go to bed at 10pm. Still wide awake at 1pm. This is when I start sobbing. Violently.

DH was great he rubbed my shoulders sat up with me, passed me tissues etc. but the sense of panic at not being able to sleep for absolutely terrifying. Everything just felt so hard. How am I going to get through this family gathering? When am I going to prepare for the interview? I am going to look like a complete idiot...

In the end at 1:30am I took a zopiclone. Felt like failure. And now I am suffering because I took it far too late (should never take one after 11pm because of hang over effects) so now I feel terribly spaced out and groggy. Have to drive down to Surrey and I haven't sorted anything out (food for DD, spare clothes etc. etc.)

I don't know why I'm on here really other than just to splurge. Want to cry but mustn't or my eyes will be all puffy and blotchy.

Hi there, just wanted to say that I think it's really important to keep at the forefront of your mind exactly what you said about not desperately wanting or needing this job. I always tell myself this anyway at interviews, otherwise the pressure is unbearable.

It's not your fault that you can't sleep. My life is made hellishly complicated by insomnia too but beating yourself up, as you know just perpatuates the stress. I think we have to accept we can only do what we can do when we are that exhausted. I felt hellish about calling in sick and missing important appointments at my work yesterday, and for all the things I'm incapable of doing when I'm sleep deprived, but I didn't choose to be awake for 3am yeaterday morning, just as you didn't choose to be awake last night.

I have things more in perspective today because I got a bit more sleep last night, and when no one was here you did help me get through yesterday, so I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, even if I'm not great with the advice.

Tell yourself you dont really want the job, you're just going to check it out, and nothing bad will happen if you don't get it.

I just had a bit of a meltdown before lunch. DD has been running rings round me. She poured her juice all down her deliberately to get attention.

I just collapsed into floods of tears. I feel like I'm running a marathon and have just hit "the wall".

DD (2.5) gave me a cuddle and said "don't cry mummy" and "you're beautiful mummy".

That was a bit of a wake up call, I forced myself to eat an apple and feel a bit better now.

DD is in her cot. I am praying she will have a nap today (I can hope)

Oh GetDown Your DD sounds so sweet. I hope she does have a nap so you can have some time to yourself. I have meltdowns all the time when I'm sleep deprived. DS2 wipes my tears.

GetDown, I burst into tears all the time even if I am not tired. I hope your dd has a nap maybe you could take some time for yourself to relax or listen to music even if only for 10 minutes give yourself something nice to focus on.

((hugs))

GOOD LUCK GetDown! I am sending you lots of good luck keep calm vibes today

let us know how you get on today - thinking of you...

Good Luck from me too fingers crossed x

Good Luck ! - let us know how it goes xx

thanks all for your good wishes

Am back from the interview. Feel a huge sense of relief.

I have been so terribly nervous all morning and was nearly sick a few times.

I took a zopiclone last night as felt I just had to. So feel a bit rubbish about that.

It went ok, I was able to answer all the questions. The main thing is that I didn't humiliate myself

Just have to wait and see now...

Hope you are all ok x

Getdown so glad you got through it. Don't worry about the zopiclone, interviews are nerve wracking and it's not unusual for people without problems to take pills and things to sleep the night before.

Keep us posted x

GetDwon glad it went ok. You did it, that's the main thing. I hope you can now have a relaxing Friday and weekend

I'm ok, busy with work now my maternity leave has started and this is A Very Good Thing as it means I don't think about the 's' word so much. I still get pangs of anxiety (around this time every day) but touch wood I am sleeping pretty well this week and getting very tired chasing after three children and working from 7.30am-8.30pm every day.

Maternity leave has finished! Durrr.

well done!!!! x

Well Done GetDown xx

Thats brilliant you got through that ok, what an achievement when you've been feeling the way you have. You go girl!!

I am still really anxious and sleeping terribly I thought all this would go away after the interview ? why am I still feeling so bad?

I keep getting rushes of adrenalin and my stomach keeps lurching. I?m getting through rennies like they?re going out of fashion. It?s getting very hard to eat. I have lost weight since last week too.

I listened to a relaxation recording on my ipod yesterday to try and calm down, but I didn?t even get anywhere NEAR to falling asleep. I felt slightly more relaxed but not enough to sleep.

I even took a diazepam last night and still only managed a couple of hours.

What is the matter with me? Why can?t I master this anxiety? One or two days, I can cope with, but it?s nearly a week now My mind just won?t let me rest. I don?t know how much more of this I can take.

I look at my little DD and she is so gorgeous and feel very sad right now that I?m not enjoying her as much as I should.

GetDown I am so sorry you are feeling this way It is horrible I know as I have had bowts of feeling like this since Christmas as you know. The anxiety is crippling and sleep becomes this huge elephant that you can't stop thinking about all the time. I lose weight also when I am anxious and tired because it makes me feel so sick. It is just horrid. But I have got better and I didn't believe I could be any better at those times when I felt like that. I thought I was destined to be like that for ever but it wasn't true. I'm piles, piles better than I was, even though I still have the odd bad night (and I do have the diazepam and zopiclone on hand still).

I'm not very good at knowing what to advise though (unlike you when I'm on here saying 'insomnia friends help me'!). I hope the Paul McKenna CD can help. It really helped me. I also took sepia (a homeopathic remedy) for anxiety when it was bad and rescue remedy and I am sure that taking the vitamin B (Magnesium OK) tablets has helped me.

I don't know what else to say except I am thinking of you and hoping that you start to feel better. You will enjoy your DD more again soon, I am sure of it. You will bounce back. You've had a hugely stressful week.

thanks becky just knowing that other people have been through it, are going through it, helps.

I haven't received my Paul McKenna book yet, just waiting on amazon. Hopefully it will arrive soon.

I've got another relaxation CD that I had from when I was really ill, but listening to it actually made me feel worse, as it brought flooding back all those horrible memories of that awful time. One night I listened to it over and over for about 4 hours, desperately trying to sleep. So, for me it has very negative associations now.

I am also conscious that doing things to "help" such as warm bath, lavender etc. only when you are sleeping badly, actually makes you associate those things with sleeping badly IYSWIM? So, in the end, those things that supposedly help, actually get in the way? So strange the way our minds work. I suppose the thing to do is to do those things whilst we are sleeping well, to get positive sleep associations. But I am too scared to do that when I'm sleeping well for fear of somehow "jinxing" myself. So, I think the best thing, is to kind of carry on, doing or not doing all the things you would do if you were sleeping well. Sorry that probably doesn't make much sense.

Glad to hear you are sleeping well right now. I hope that mine will settle down and this anxiety will go in the next few days. Just have to keep going. x

I do know what you mean - I have such associations (I had to change our duvet recently as it was old and tatty, and strangely it really helped). I can't stand snow now! And Christmas is going to be a toughie next year. So perhaps Paul McKenna will help as he is new to you right now and won't remind you of previous times you've had problems. Read the book as well, he does give all the usual advice (don't go to bed unless you are sleepy, get up if you haven't fallen asleep within 20 mins, no caffine, no alcohol, etc, etc bla bla yes we know!!!!) but there are also some good exercises to do in your head to help get your subconcious to convince your concious mind to relax, and sleep.

Keep going, that's all you can do. That's what my mum said to me the last time I sat here in floods about being bloody knackered all the time. It will pass. It will pass. This Too Shall Pass. Take care xxx keep posting

thanks becky yes, I keep saying that too "It will pass" ... unfortunately for me, it keeps coming back again!

I can't remember the last time we changed our duvet

How is your work going, you are doing very long hours aren't you? Is it full time?

Getdown I keep wanting to write something helpful and meaningful but the only thing that pops into my head is you are trying too hard. Not sure that is helpful. But you put so much pressure on yourself that you must be able to beat this thing it becomes impossible to beat it. Have some trust and faith in you and your body. xx

thanks willsurvive you are right.

I do put pressure on myself and try too hard to sleep. But sometimes it just feels like the stakes are too high - if I don't sleep, I don't cope...

I often describe is as like trying NOT to think of an elephant. As soon as you try and not think of an elephant, what pops into your mind? An elephant!

It's so very frustrating. I don't know how to conquer it.

Last night as I lay in bed, I could feel my body desperately trying to drift off, but everytime I got that drifting feeling I would get a jolt of adrenalin and be wide awake again Why does my body do that? I hate it.

How are you willsurvive sorry, I've been so caught up with myself lately.

GetDown that is exactly what I get when I have bad nights. It's the body vs brain thing. It's soooo frustrating. You feel totally exhausted but it's almost like you are too scared to let go and sleep, which is maddening because that is what you want to do. The hypnosis should help with that as it works on the brain, teaching it to let go.

One thing that helped me was that every now and then I'd just say to myself 'for god's sake just give it up and let go, you don't need this obsession and fear about sleep, just let go now' and sounds simple but it did help. Or I'd look at the DSs and think 'they need you, they need you as you used to be, stop this stupid worry and anxiety now'. I'm sure so much of this is mind over matter and the mind is such a powerful thing. It can create this problem so easily and be so bloody willful, but it can also so easily stop it.

Let's hope that elephant goes away!

exactly, becky i just can't let go and let myself sleep.

my body tries to do it, but my mind is saying "quick, she's falling asleep, red alert! red alert! must stay awake, must cope, mustn't give in, must keep fighting" then jolt of adrenalin.

Hope the hypnosis CD helps. I am not very "suggestible" so we'll see how it goes.

banish the elephant
did someone say elephant?

I hope you slept ok last night. I woke up at 12.52am and thought 'oooh I hope GetDown is ok and is asleep'.

If you think this time last week, last Saturday, I'd had a terrible night (2 hours at the most and only in the spare bed not in my own bed) and I was sat here writing to everyone about how awful I felt and here I am now only a week later - anxiety completely gone, sleep fine (touching huge oak table), feeing really ok with the world. A week ago people here were telling me to go to the GP and get some ADs for the anxiety. It changes that quickly in that short space of time (at least for me it does). I might have another bad night tomorrow (Sunday night). I don't know. But what I'm saying is there is hope. One thing I've learnt from you and CountryLover is to try really, really hard not to fear the bad nights and the bad days. I keep thinking to myself that I've had some awful nights yet I'm still here, still going, still ok.

We won't mention the 'E' word anymore!