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Original poster

Insomnia friends - help I feel terrible

200 replies

GetDownYouWillFall · 16/05/2010 09:58

Have been generally sleeping well, but last night was awful and it has completely thrown me

I've had a very busy weekend, and was aware when I got into bed that my head was still kind of "whizzing". I also have a job interview next thurs and don't feel I have prepeared nearly enough and won't have much time during the week. So that was playing on my mind.

Today we are going to my parents for my dad's 70th birthday so I will be under pressure to "perform" (they all know I was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit) so they will all be watcing me for "cracks". I hate it.

So, I go to bed at 10pm. Still wide awake at 1pm. This is when I start sobbing. Violently.

DH was great he rubbed my shoulders sat up with me, passed me tissues etc. but the sense of panic at not being able to sleep for absolutely terrifying. Everything just felt so hard. How am I going to get through this family gathering? When am I going to prepare for the interview? I am going to look like a complete idiot...

In the end at 1:30am I took a zopiclone. Felt like failure. And now I am suffering because I took it far too late (should never take one after 11pm because of hang over effects) so now I feel terribly spaced out and groggy. Have to drive down to Surrey and I haven't sorted anything out (food for DD, spare clothes etc. etc.)

I don't know why I'm on here really other than just to splurge. Want to cry but mustn't or my eyes will be all puffy and blotchy.

OP posts:
Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 18/05/2010 17:33

thanks willsurvive how are you doing today?

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willsurvivethis · 18/05/2010 17:51

I'm ok today despite not sleeping great - grateful that I don't seem to get sleep anxiety - just feel rubbish and bite dh's head off sometimes!!!

LittleMarshmallow · 18/05/2010 18:28

GetDown I would say go on holiday your dd will be fine. My ds has been to a few (6) nurseries and I found it easier if he was one of only a few starting. I am sure she will be fine please do go and enjoy your holiday

lelarose · 18/05/2010 20:51

Just wanted to add I think you should maybe just go on your holiday, I think it sounds like you really need and deserve it and maybe your daughter will remember the holiday more than whether she started nusrery on the exact same day as everyone else? Just a thought, you will be the best judge of what is best for her.

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/05/2010 07:04

I agree about the holiday: go and enjoy Once you get into the school holidays thing it is much harder to organise holidays (and more expensive). Before DS1 started school me, DH, DS1 and DS2 went to Devon in late September (DS1 missed a week of preschool) and it was lovely because nobody else was on holiday and we had lovely weather: happy days.

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 09:23

Another terrible night

Someone please, come and give me a boot up the backside...

I am clinging on to my last ounce of positivity by a thread

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LittleMarshmallow · 19/05/2010 09:26

GetDown I won't give you a boot but I will give you a huge hug as you deserve one.
I had a really bad night too I know nor the same but just wanted you know you aren't the only one.

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 09:29

thanks LM

I am struggling to know how I will get through today. DD is already trying my patience.

When will I get to prepare for my interview tomorrow?? I have never felt this under-prepared before.

This insomnia has zapped all my confidence.

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countrylover · 19/05/2010 09:29

oh you poor thing, you must be feeling horrible.

i don't even know you but i was thinking about you in the night. DS1 had a nightmare so i was up briefly and i was hoping you'd be asleep.

the main thing you must remember is that this is a blip. the dark and ominous cloud is not coming back, i promise you.

the road to recovery is never smooth - i found it was a case of one step forward and two steps back.

am i right in thinking that you've got a lot on your plate at the moment?

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 09:29

sorry for droning on I am boring myself now.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 19/05/2010 09:31

Oh GetDown big hug from me too. You don't need a boot at all. I want to rename you 'GetUpAgain' because you will get up again. Have you considered trying a hypnotherapy CD? I have found it really, really helps me. It takes a few days of using it to notice a difference but it is a way of teaching your subconcious (I need sleep) brain to tell your concious (I can't sleep, I'll feel awful tomorrow, this is horrible, I don't want this, why can't I sleep? etc etc) brain to shut up. Every time I have a bad night I have to use the CD again a few times on my ipod when I go to bed but it does work for me. Worth a try??

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 09:31

thanks countrylover I was awake most of the night. Maybe got 1 or 2 hours in the middle of the night, but it was very light if anything.

I know I need to keep positive. But I am really struggling

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Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 09:32

thanks becky can you send me a link to the hypnotherapy cd you use

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LittleMarshmallow · 19/05/2010 09:36

Getdown I don't know how old your dd is but could you put a DVD on and have a duvet day? You could go over your interview notes while it is on?
I am about most of today if you want to chat

countrylover · 19/05/2010 09:39

sorry, just read your post and saw you have an interview this week.

when i had an interview a few months ago i started worrying about it around a week before. i wasn't in a great mental state anyway with pnd and insomnia but i had a kind of breakdown. i stopped sleeping at all, i couldn't eat and i couldn't leave the house. in the end my mum had to come up and stay with me to help with the boys. by the day of the interview i had only slept a few hours the night before and i was sobbing and shaking in bed as my mum and DH were trying to calm me down.

but do you know what, i made it to the interview, all be it with my mum in tow. she had to come on the bus with me and literally deliver me to the door of the office. i can honestly say that it was one of the most frightening days of my life. even more scary than giving birth!

i hope from this you know that you're not alone but also that it may be you're not sleeping because of worry about the interview. therefore once the interview is done you will feel a real sense of achievement and you can relax and sleep again.

you have been doing so well for months so honestly, i know i keep saying this but it's a blip.

xx

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 09:44

thank you so much.

I have that sicky feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Can't eat and have been having, ummm, toilet troubles too

I am really hoping that it is because of interview nerves and hopefully I will feel better after tomorrow is over.

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countrylover · 19/05/2010 09:50

it is interview nerves - i know it may be hard, near impossible but you must go to the interview no matter what happens tonight. don't give in to the insomnia. stick two fingers up at it and tell yourself is is not going to get the better of you.

is the interview for a job you really want/need?

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 10:13

hi countrylover you are right. I must go tomorrow however ill-prepared / tired / nervous / crappy I feel.

Just don't want to make a fool of myself.

The crazy thing is that I neither really WANT it nor NEED it! It's more responsibility than my current job, but it's nearer geographically so I could just walk instead of drive which would be a bonus.

But I don't know if the extra responsibility would be too stressful? But my current job is SO boring, and that I find stressful too.

How did you get on at your interview? Did you manage to answer the questions ok? My biggest fear is going blank and staring into middle distance!

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kizzie · 19/05/2010 10:14

Hi Get down - it does sound like interview nerves - and its totally totally normal.
I have worked for my employer for the last 15 years but i cant tell you how terrified i was a/ going back after maternity leave and b/after recent sick leave.

Is there anything we can help with for your prep?

BeckyBendyLegs · 19/05/2010 10:18

Here He's a bit slimey but it works

I get toilet troubles whenever I have a bad night too - what is that all about?

Is your interview tomorrow?

LittleMarshmallow · 19/05/2010 10:24

GetDown what is your interview for tomorrow? We could prob help with questions you will be asked. I know I write down the answers to take with me and read them before I go in. My last interview I had a friend talking to me on phone in order to get me in the door.

countrylover · 19/05/2010 10:31

I did get the job but it was in the same company as I'd worked pre maternity leave so it was of a kind of foregone conclusion. My old job no longer existed so they found something else for me in the company. The interview was more of a formality but it didn't make it any less frightening for me.

I was utterly petrified of making a fool of myself. I was at a stage of my pnd where anxiety was ruling my life. Some days I couldn't understand what my mum or DH were saying to me. I had to get them to repeat things slowly. I guess my brain was so all consumed with anxiety that I couldn't think about anything else.

My worst fear was that I wouldn't understand what the guy was saying and have to keep asking him to repeat the question. Not only that but not being able to answer a question either.

For me though, I got in the interview room and something just clicked. I won't say that it went smoothly, I did have to ask him to repeat one question and I'm sure I came across as very nervous. But overall it went better than I thought.

The one thing which kept me going was telling myself I don't care if I make a fool of myself. If I don't get the job, so what. It kind of took the pressure off a bit. It allowed me to fuck up and so made it less scary.

I guess it's the same as if you can say to yourself, I don't care if I don't sleep tonight. Unfortunately I know all too well that it's virtually impossible to believe that one!

Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 10:38

the job is for an Economic Participation Project Officer. I have done similar work before but it was about 7 years ago.

At the moment I work for the library service

thanks for the link becky I smiled at slimey

DD is driving me mad. Just caught her digging in the mud in the garden, she's got hold of the phone and was pressing the buttons. She's refusing to come out in the garden so I can hang the washing out. She is terrorising the dog. She just went to the loo without asking my help and there is wee all over the seat. And worst of all she keeps saying she is TIRED (yeah, sure, after 12 hours sleep)

OP posts:
Original poster
GetDownYouWillFall · 19/05/2010 10:41

Just ordered Paul McKenna.

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BeckyBendyLegs · 19/05/2010 10:49

GetDown that sounds interesting (I have half a degree in Economics)! If you want any help to prepare from any of us just ask.

I used to get very, very nervous about interviews (not saying I don't now but I work freelance now and work for my old company so haven't had an interview since 1999).

I think CountryLover's attitude is the best one to have. What will be, will be. If you don't get the job, it wasn't meant to be. If you do, then it was. And sometimes the adrenalin kicks in as soon as you get in the room and all the nerves just go and you just go and do it. Think how great the relief will be afterwards and you will sleep tomorrow night, guaranteed. How about set yourself a treat for afterwards, a cup of coffee in a cafe by yourself somewhere? A trip to Jigsaw to spend some money, or something like that? That's what I do when I have an interview / dentist etc. It works on the DSs when they have to go to the dentist so it works on me too.

I hate it when these lovely children of ours say they are tired after 12 hours sleep. DS1 does that all the time.