Insomnia friends - help I feel terrible

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Have been generally sleeping well, but last night was awful and it has completely thrown me

I've had a very busy weekend, and was aware when I got into bed that my head was still kind of "whizzing". I also have a job interview next thurs and don't feel I have prepeared nearly enough and won't have much time during the week. So that was playing on my mind.

Today we are going to my parents for my dad's 70th birthday so I will be under pressure to "perform" (they all know I was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit) so they will all be watcing me for "cracks". I hate it.

So, I go to bed at 10pm. Still wide awake at 1pm. This is when I start sobbing. Violently.

DH was great he rubbed my shoulders sat up with me, passed me tissues etc. but the sense of panic at not being able to sleep for absolutely terrifying. Everything just felt so hard. How am I going to get through this family gathering? When am I going to prepare for the interview? I am going to look like a complete idiot...

In the end at 1:30am I took a zopiclone. Felt like failure. And now I am suffering because I took it far too late (should never take one after 11pm because of hang over effects) so now I feel terribly spaced out and groggy. Have to drive down to Surrey and I haven't sorted anything out (food for DD, spare clothes etc. etc.)

I don't know why I'm on here really other than just to splurge. Want to cry but mustn't or my eyes will be all puffy and blotchy.

GetDown, Have been thinking of you,

yes, three night's worth. I haven't used any for about 6 months. I don't know why, but having a small supply in the cupboard seems to make me calmer...

Just knowing there is something I can do. If I really need to.

Thanks for the hug LM how are you doing at the moment?

Going to GP at 5:20. This is just adding to my anxiety now, as I don't know what to say and am worried he'll be angry with me for wasting his time.

I've just thought of something, do you think the GP will "report back" to CMHT?

That is the last thing I need.

Getdown. Just wanted to send a message of support. YOu have been so helpful to me before when I was going through a particularly difficult insomnia phase. I'm so sorry that the last couple of days have been so difficult for you. Well done on getting through yesterday - it sounds awful. I'm sure your GP will understand - he is there to help you. You are not wasting his time.

thanks wools I hope you are better now?

my DH has just called to say he won't be back in time to come with me to the GP. I have just burst into tears. I don't know why because I didn't expect him to come

My threshold is so low. I burst into tears driving home as well because I was at a junction and I didn't let someone out and afterwards felt really horrible about it

How was your GP app? I hope it went ok and no you are not wasting his time.

thanks for asking LM that;s really kind of you to remember.

I went ok, I just mumbled away about my PND and insomnia and he just nodded sagely and wrote me a prescription for more zopiclone. Also got some diazepam - not had that one before .

I felt quite .

I wish this nightmare would all just go away. I used to be a fairly content, capable kind of person. All the doctor saw today was a gibbering wreck.

I know how you feel I have an appointment at some point in july apparently to get new medication as my uni counsellor thinks i need something to calm me down.

It is good that the doctor wrote you the prescription as it shows that you are not wasting his time. Things will get better but take baby steps and you will get there I am sure.

((hug))

glad the appointment went ok and that you got the sleeping tablets x

Do you think this might just be a period of your body adjusting to you reducing the lithium. Nothing long term just a few days of you 'rebalancing' ?

ps. I totally know what you mean about the dr seeing you like that. When im ill I am completely unrecognisable from the person I am when im well.

But thats all it is - you're just not 100% at the moment. Dont be about it. The dr will have seen far worse this week x

thanks kizzie I don't think it's due to the lithium.

The dr. did ask about that. He also asked if I had discussed this with my CPN (damn, damn, damn - just hoping he won't tell them)

I don't think it can be the lithium tho. My mood is fine. I just need sleep.

Well done going to the docs Getdown - what has he given the diazepam for and for how long?

Look after yourself tonight and don't worry about sleep, you will be fine x

Diazepam is great - that was what I was perscribed first of all when I went to my GP with insomnia and anxiety. It's basically valium and it calms you down when you're really anxious so you can sleep. I prefer it to zopiclone because zopiclone just knocks you out and gives you a horrible taste in the morning.

Glad it went ok though. Take good care of yourself this evening. I'll be thinking of you xxx

thanks all
I've got 24x 2mg tabs.

Also picked up some rennies (thanks becky)

Sleep well GetDown, I KNOW you'll be fine, you're really strong. You've helped so many of us on here. You've just had too much going on and it'll all settle down again. Hope tomorrow is better. Don't feel bad about taking the pills if you need them- I don't know how I would have managed without the temazepam even though I only took it a few times it helped 'break the cycle' and I knew I COULD sleep! Take care. You've helped me loads since January and I'm doing really well at the moment, having virtually thought my life was over in December/January time.
Thinking of you. x

I hope you are ok today GetDown. I was thinking about you last night hoping you were sleeping.

thinking of you too - i've just caught up on this thread. as you all know i have suffered terribly with post natal insomnia/depression/anxiety. however i am feeling beter but i've certainly had a few blips along the way.

one of which was just before i started back at work and DS2 was ill yet again with an ear infection.

you have got a lot on your plate at the moment so please try and be kind to yourself.

i know exactly how you feel about the second baby thing too. i had pnd and insomnia with DS1 too and when my husband and i talked about TTC DS2 i went into complete meltdown. it scared the living daylights out of me to think of going through the black cloud again.

however i did it anyway and although i did end up with pnd again it hasn't lasted as long. it was 2.5 years with DS1 and it was about 6 months with DS2. plus when i was pregnant with DS2 i slept the best i had for years.

i hope that helps..

nice to read a positive story country lover. Do you think there is a specific reason why it didnt last as long second time?

GetDown are you ok today?

thanks everyone, yeah I'm ok (just about). I took a zopiclone last night as I knew today would be so manic, I couldn't afford not to sleep. So I did get some sleep but not "natural" sleep IYSWIM

DD had to go to a friend's this morning whilst I worked as mum couldn't come this week. So it was all manic organising, trying to get out the house with all her various bags: potty bag, change of clothes, food bag, toys bag etc.
DD got on ok at friends' house thankfully. However, she was a bit cheeky with things like continually asking for the loo whilst friend was feeding her baby!

Has been quite stressful for me today unfortunately, was v. rushed at work as I had a meeting which went on too long because of annoying people wittering on about inconsequential stuff then had to frantically get stuff ready for a training course as our administrator was "too busy" to do photocopying tomorrow and I am not in now until fri....

When I got home there were loads of builders / workmen type vehicles in our residents private car park so nowhere to park. I had to park on another road in the end, but was very tricky on a slope and downhill, and some kids laughed at me as I was trying to manouvre

So got in feeling quite stressed, DD being difficult, hungry myself etc. Then opened a letter from her nursery (due to start in october) saying she has got a place and due to start on 5th October - which is the week we're supposed to be in Cornwall! Arrrggh. I know nursery is not compulsory at her age, but I really would not like her to miss the first session - I think that would risk her feeling a bit like the "odd one out" late starting, don't you think? So think I will have to call and cancel cornwall...

I was so nearly in tears, but put on some classical music on the ipod and I have to say it was a life saver, I just calmed down and focused on breathing slowly.

I've put DD in her cot but can hear her screaming and kicking (depite being "really tired" so better go.

GetDown glad you are ok...

I think if it were me I'd still go to Cornwall and let DD start later. It takes a long time for children this age to form bonds and friendships and settle in, so I'm sure she won't miss much by missing the first few days. In a way it might be easier for her to settle if there are lots of new ones starting at the same time as the staff can focus on her more when she starts once the others are settled if you see what I mean. But do what you feel is best for you and your DD.

Music is the best therapy, don't you think? I've been playing The Sound of Music songs really loud the last couple of days to get me in the mood. I was sining 'raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens' all the way to school this morning much to the amusement of passers by.

I'm anxious now as DS1 has his friend coming over for tea and I worry: will he be bored? Will he like what I cook for tea? Will they make a mess of the house? etc. Will DS3 cry the whole time making it really stressful?

Better go, get DS3 and DS2 ready to pick up DS1 and his friend from school. The sun is shining at least. Looks lovely out there

I hope the rest of your day is ok, no more stresses

Glad you're hanging in there GetDown, sounds like a manic and annoying day but in the 'normal' way! I'm sure things will settle back down again.
I feel your pain with your DD not settling for a nap ... mine has driven me mad today with not sleeping. She's finally collapsed in exhaustion but has cried loads this morning.
With your nursery thing ask them if all the kids start the same day - sometimes they stagger it- and you may find others will be starting on a different day anyway. Seems a shame to miss your holiday and you'll have years of having to work round school holidays to come!
Hope the rest of your day is OK.

Sounds like u have done brilliantly on a very busy day. Could u give nursey a quick call and chat through it with them. Does seem a shame to miss holiday x

thanks all. Not sure what to do about the nursery. I want to go to cornwall, but the paranoid mother in me doesn't want her to be the "odd one out" that started late... I will do as you say and try and find out if they stagger the intake at all. Also going to see what DH thinks tonight.

I am summoning up all my CBT powers and doing my best to soldier on today telling myself lots of happy positive thoughts as I go (through gritted teeth sometimes).

I had a horrible wobble just earlier where I thought "I will never be able to cope with another baby" but then I gave myself a bit of a mental "slap" and told myself to concentrate on today.

Thanks all again, it helps me so much to be able to talk to you all

Getdown my ds started in a private nursery 2 months ago after more than a year with the childminder and already the other kids who've been there longer shout his name and come running when he comes in.

Don't worry and please go on holiday!!!