Insomnia friends - help I feel terrible

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Have been generally sleeping well, but last night was awful and it has completely thrown me

I've had a very busy weekend, and was aware when I got into bed that my head was still kind of "whizzing". I also have a job interview next thurs and don't feel I have prepeared nearly enough and won't have much time during the week. So that was playing on my mind.

Today we are going to my parents for my dad's 70th birthday so I will be under pressure to "perform" (they all know I was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit) so they will all be watcing me for "cracks". I hate it.

So, I go to bed at 10pm. Still wide awake at 1pm. This is when I start sobbing. Violently.

DH was great he rubbed my shoulders sat up with me, passed me tissues etc. but the sense of panic at not being able to sleep for absolutely terrifying. Everything just felt so hard. How am I going to get through this family gathering? When am I going to prepare for the interview? I am going to look like a complete idiot...

In the end at 1:30am I took a zopiclone. Felt like failure. And now I am suffering because I took it far too late (should never take one after 11pm because of hang over effects) so now I feel terribly spaced out and groggy. Have to drive down to Surrey and I haven't sorted anything out (food for DD, spare clothes etc. etc.)

I don't know why I'm on here really other than just to splurge. Want to cry but mustn't or my eyes will be all puffy and blotchy.

GetDown I am so sorry you are having a bad time I just want to send you a hug you have been so kind to me thank you.

How are you today GetDown?

i have suffered from this most of my life and i sadly got in to the sleeping tabs route when i was in the refuge, am now taking 3 a night (they reduced me from 4) which they are trying to reduce me from, it makes me feel like a failure every single day i wish i could just sleep normally

mehdismummy - hi there, sorry to hear that you too are going through this nightmare of insomnia. It's grim isn't it? I can only imagine how awful it must be to be dependent on the tabs - is it zopiclone you take?

becky - another awful night. Worse than the last. I feel on the brink TBH.

Was awake till 4am. Had to go in the spare room as I was disturbing DH. I heard the church bell at the end of our road chime 4 .

Think I slept for an hour, but looked at the clock again at 5am (why do we do that?) then kind of dozed till 6. Feel so rubbish.

Normally these days I just have one bad night, but to have two on the trot I feel that same old panic start rising again. I don't know how I will get through today. DH was very silent with me this morning and no kiss goodbye I think he is sick of me, and just doesn't know what to say to me anymore . I'm glad he wasn't kind to me in a way, as I would have blubbed.

Am at work now. Just have to hang on in there. I can't cry here, I really mustn't. Have to keep up the front of "coping". Today is going to be really really hard.

How was your night Becky, was it the usual sunday night story or was it ok?

Getdown of course you didn't sleep well - you had a horrible day yesterday.

Don't let that panic get you - you have no reason to think you are cracking up again. Two bad nights either side of a horrible day - so what!!!

And stop reading silly things in Dh's behaviour - I bet he's felt more refreshed than this of a Monday morning - been a tough weekend for him too, he must be shattered as well.

I'm kicking you up the bum because you've been fighting so hard to prove to everyone how well you are that this blip is panicking you more than it needs to as there is so much at stake.

Keep ticking over - this will pass xx

thanks willsurvive - that is exactly what I need

you're right, of course, about DH. I am always mega over-sensitive when I've had little sleep.

I know I need to keep fighting. I really thought I was "better" makes me think I would never cope with another baby Perhaps it will never happen for me

Sorry I am in such a negative frame of mind...

You are better just not super human!!

And you did actually cope with yesterday, you got through it - yes it was hard but you did.And you made it to work today.

And now you are being very silly by talking about never being ready for another baby. Your brain is going in overdrive ad it looks an awful lot like mine when it does that. Tell it to stop - you don't actually have to decide today if and when you want another baby. Today you just need to get through work, when you get home cuddle dd and hug dh. And you can do that.

I wish I could be super-human, I would be ?insomnia-girl? able to cope forever on no sleep, hmmm?.
When I?ve slept well I feel I can do anything I wish. Everything just seems to swim along, and I only need to put a little bit of effort to make everything ?work?. When I?m sleep deprived, even breathing feels like a chore.

I was so excited about the thought of another baby. When I feel sleep-deprived and rubbish it just feels like that dream is slipping away. I remember what it was like when DD was 6 weeks old - to go day after day on no sleep, barely surviving let alone managing. Can I really put myself through all that again? I just don?t know if I could do it. But I do want another baby so badly. I?m so confused.

But you?re right I don?t have to think about that right now, I just have to focus on today. I just can?t help it. My mind starts running away with itself. Last night I had a cold sweat because I remembered I hadn?t called back a salesman about making my will!! I have this terrible terrible fear about disappointing people. Even hanging up on call centre staff makes me feel awful and guilty.

The thing is I am silly. No, I?m more than silly. I?m stupid

GetDown you are saying the things I say when I haven't had enough sleep and what do you always say to me? You tell me things such as 'if thoughts are part of the problem, thoughts can be the cure'. You need to think yourself out of this panic. You will be ok. You will get through today. You will sleep tonight.

You are under a lot of stress at the moment: yesterday's family gathering, interview this week, feeling you need to prove to everyone (medical professionals and family) that you are better (that is a huge stress to have), thinking about TTCing again. Please be kind to yourself. This is a blip, a wobble, a temporary step back. And you are coping. As willsurvive said you are at work today. Tell yourself that. Keep telling yourself that this is just a blip.

My DH does exactly the same as yours and he said he does it to force me to get up out of bed, get through the day, because wallowing feels worse and negativity breeds negativity. I hate him for it at the time but it has worked so far.

I'll be sending you coping vibes today.

Don't hate me but I slept well last night. I think because I've had a bad few nights Thursday-Saturday night because of worrying about DH's work and him not getting enough sleep and now my body is saying, at least for now 'enough already, sleep!'

Take care today xx

thanks cpanda - i'd never even thought of a maternity nurse - do you know how much they cost?

Thing is, I would dearly love to b/feed so don't know if that could work. Part of my big issues with DD is the bonding thing - not being able to b/feed her and the whole PND that seemed to drive a wedge between us...

I am definitely not pregnant at the mo - thank goodness!

You are not stupid! That's the sleep-deprived you talking. Nobody is perfect. Nobody gets it right all of the time. Expecting that of yourself is a huge pressure.

I was saying to myself on Saturday when I was tired 'I shouldn't have had three children, I was irresponsbile to have any children, I knew I shouldn't have had any, they deserve better' etc etc etc. But that's not true. That was just the depressed sleep-deprived me talking. You're doing the same right now worrying about having another baby.

Thanks Becky you are so kind to me.
All the advice I?ve given just seems like rubbish, I know thoughts are part of the cure, but these thoughts.. it?s like they take on a life of their own. How do I get a grip on them? I can?t even take my own advice. It?s too hard. I just want to give up.

I?m really glad you slept well - it doesn?t make me hate you it gives me hope actually. I was telling myself a PST on my drive into work this morning ?I am looking forward to the next time I sleep really well?. I kept saying it over and over in my head.

My DH is really so lovely. I am so glad I have him. I often feel like I don?t deserve him. I am brooding on the lack of goodbye kiss this morning He probably just doesn?t know how to deal with me right now. I am like a ticking time bomb ready to explode into floods of tears at any moment, triggered by the slightest thing such as a dirty spatula

Sorry I am being so very negative. This really isn?t like me. I am throwing all my CBT out the window I k now

You will be ok. I know you will.

well done for getting to work today

I am sitting at my desk very shaky today too.

So from a distance Im holding your hand to get you through today. Thats all youve got to do - get through it. Anything else is a bonus.

Dont torture yourself with 'what if' thoughts x

Getdown make sure you are yourself on here - we all benefited from your advice. Advice that you can give from hard earned experience. Any wobble you have makes it more valid not less - just let us help you now. Just imagine us all in a circle around you getting you through today x

thank you so much.

Thinking of you all too.

I am sitting at my desk too kizzie everything is a bit of a blur.

thanks willsurvive

keep going - its nearly lunchtime. Only a few more hours x

thanks I am staring at my lunch but I just feel sick.

I know I will feel worse if I don't eat but just can't face it.

I have made a list of all the things I need to do at work before I leave today. There are 8. Don't know where to start

GetDown lunchtime is the worst time when you are this tired. Please eat something, you will feel better. Also when I've been this sleep deprived I've found a rennee (can't spell) actually helps the sicky feeling.

Thinking of you today. Just do one thing at a time and if you don't finish, no biggie.

thanks becky good idea about the Renee..

Unfortunately I don't have any and there are no shops where I work

Will have to get some later.

Just called the doctor to try and get an appointment so I can get some more zopiclone (I know, I know, I'm rubbish)

But there was a telephone queue and I was number 5 so I gave up after about 10 mins of waiting.

Don't know whether to try again or just leave it. I hate going to the GP with insomnia - just seems such a pathetic waste of their time. But if I don;t and I get worse...

I am just so terrified I will end up in hospital again. I know that is unlikely, but it happened before....

Have you completely run out of zopiclone? You're not rubbish you just want sleep. I'd give you some of mine if I could.

This is just a blip. It really is. This time just a couple of days ago you were encouraging me. You won't end up in hospital. It took a long time didn't it last time of decline before you ended up in hospital? From what you've told me these last few months you are miles away from that place. You just need sleep and you will sleep tonight I am sure of it.

I've got three left
(not that I obsessively count them or anything)

that's three nights worth right? bet you won't need that many x