You can do it!! (Jane Fonda style motivation thread!!)

[QueenFlounce]

Following on from the massive "Going to have a good week" thread...

Sax - Calling your boy a "Stupid child" is NOT an example of a complete failure as a parent! I'm sure many many Mums here will admit to doing that even without a hint of depression! THEY ARE STRESSFUL! Especially with everything else you have to put up with.

I can't comment on the drinking coz I know I drink FAR too much..... I hide behind the "But I'm Scottish!" excuse alllllll the time.

HOWEVER, what I will say is that if drinking makes you feel even more low then its something you need to reconsider as a way to unwind and de-stress..... coz it's not working if you just feel shittier.

Come on, its Friday night... we're all drinking... lets have a bit of escapism from reality for a while and step back.

This is bad moment..... it doesn't mean tomorrow will be awful... or that your children will never forgive you for saying that. It just means that by the end of today you felt really stressed.

As for the work thing. Bringing up 3 young children, one with a condition that makes him even more hard work is you contributing to your family! Debts can be paid off when you feel stronger..... as long as they are not spiralling out of control then a couple of months is not going to make that much difference, is it?

Remember.... UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I aaaaaaaamm caaaaaaaaaaaaaalm.

Hello Sax

Just to let you know that im always here if you want a chat. I dont talk to you because i have to, i talk to you because i want to.

Where are the kids and dh today?

Hang in there, Sax. sometimes it takes a while. For me, luckily, the suicidal tendencies got under control rather quickly, but as I said earlier, it took longer for me to really feel like myself again. I used to be a climber and sometimes I would have to sit down and think about those really tough climbs where I would have to will myself to keep going one step at a time. It's no different climbing out of depression. I would have to take some days an hour at a time. You will get better just keep reminding yourself of that.

I'm late again - getting everyone together - ds1 has to be at nursery in precicily 4 minutes and I need to wake ds3 up and get ds2 (whos being a shit) into the car and go - I'll be back in about 15mins. Late again which is shit, I've had all morning but couldn't even get us together in time for now!

Sax - It really doesn't matter if you're late. Its just one of those things... I know people with ONE child that are ALWAYS late.... for everything.

I used to beat myself up for running late but really, it's okay. And you have 3 kids for goodness sake - I only have one!
Ds woke me up at 4 am today and I haven't been back to sleep, so signing off for a bit to try for a nap. Sending warm thoughts your way Sax

HI I'm here - busy weekend for me, so no time to log on.

After all my positive talk on Friday night, went to bed and watched Calender Girls instead as it was on sky....cried a lot for some reason, but sometimes good to let it all out. DH called at midnight to stay he was stopping at a mates (I prefer it when he leathered), so I went back to bed to enjoy the peace all night. However he polled in at 4.30am instead, totally ratted, very frisky, and very annoying. Needless to say we fell out as I was shattered and wasn't having any of it....argument dissolved into meaningless argument and I asked for a divorce, boys woke up, fed them, he passed out, I stayed up and pondered what had been said.

Wrote him a long letter about how he made me feel after arguments like that, said it was over and we needed to talk about the future and what would happen to the boys. I left it by the PC as I knew I was going out for lunch with friends, so he'd read it while I wasn't there.

Left him with the boys so I could have some 'Me' time, went shopping and met a friend who's just had a baby and doesn't get out much. By the time I got back, I didn't know what to expect - would he have thrown me out, would he apologise? Nothing was said to start with, but he did seem friendly, he went shopping for BBQ stuff for following dad (Fathers Day for both our fathers too). WE had a chinese take away, watched tele, and went to bed early (he was tired, as not much sleep after his noght out - GOOD). He cuddled me and gave me a proper kiss and said night night mummy (we call each other mummy and daddy, sad I know). Next morning, he asked me if I really wanted to get rid of him and I said, do you want rid of me? He said no, and I said, honestly? We cuddled and made up....he's been brill ever since, but am taking things steady in case I get my hopes up only for him to be an arse again.

Good weather wasn't it!

Its not just the running late, ds2 is totally out of control really, neither myself or dh have the tolerance we should have with him, the whole house is soooo noisy and dh is so stressed about everything. I SHOULD be propping everyone up, keeping them all calm, supporting dh through his stress and not worrying about my crap, but I can't. I'm starting not to sleep again which the ads had sorted for me but too much to think about, now keep getting up (i know the heat isn't helping). I just feel very miserable.

Sax - Why SHOULD you be propping everyone up??? I really wish your DH would take some of the responsibility for this.

Im really happy for you meely

I feel its my job - I've always been the positive doer type of thing, he's normally laid back and go along with it all sort of thing. Now, being stressed and none of us wanting the boys - hes more unmotivated than me sometimes and thats saying something.
He said yesturday he didn't understand why we F*ed our lives by having children, trouble is that doesn't make me feel any more postive!

Meeeley sorry, I was offloading, good to hear you've sorted things after your argument. Try to get some more time for 'you' sounds a good plan!

Sorry Meeely! Missed your post there... Excellent news.

Sax - That was a horrible thing for him to say.
I'm sure you do want the boys, but you are finding it hard to cope with them. Maybe you need to try a different kind of AD's? Or what about homeopathy??? You don't seem too keen on that idea, but isn't it worht a try? It has no side effects and it might help you cope?

I'm very frightended of coming off the tablets I'm on (even if I'm not sure they are working). They really have made me feel less 'wobbly' inside, less unsure and desperate (most of the time). I do feel most of this head shit is becasue I have a total lack of self confidence, total inablility to communicate other than put on this marvellous front for the world to see, and don't have enough time to stop. I want to just shut away from the world and all my responsibilities, just for a while to work out whats happened to us -

does this make sense or am I just rejecting my family?

I don't know if I love dh anymore but I couldn't ever do without him - honestly. He is just winding me up atm.

I love the 9m old but the other two are testimg my patience too much for me to discipline them. They are driving me into someone I hate - someone who shouts at the them, has no patience with them and someone I don't want to be!

I forgot to thank jabberwocky for her input - thats the thing when you are so deeply intrenched in your muddle and confusion, its hard to see whats next. I am living from day to day which to me isn't living its exsisting and I hate that - wasting time - not contributing to my family or my life. I just want to stop for a bit, don't want to be me.

This is ridiculous crap cos its all been said before and I'm just repeating myself which isn't very productive. You guys have given your advice which I know I have ignored (not intentionally, I just don't seem able to speak about any of this aloud) so i think I ought to do what Babynovice Mum said and not think.

I will just be continuing to live a lie though which again I can't see the point of. I don't know what I'm doing..........

Sax

things cant start to improve until you start talking about them. Its the first step and its a bloody hard one but once its done then youve started your journey IYSWIM

Sax - Don't give up pleeeeeeeeeease.

You're not rejecting your family! There are massive stresses on you at the moment. And you seem intent on keeping it a secret from DH..... but that clearly isn't helping. Please reconsider telling him. I might help you! You feel so terrible now, what do you have to lose?

If its any help to you I hated DH back then.

Sax, I'm guessing the 'stop thinking' plan won't work for you, the 'start talking' may even be a step too far at the moment too (but you're doing so well on MN voicing what's going on in your head, I just hope that it's helping) but maybe getting some practical help might give you a bit more breathing space....
Does your dh ever take the boys out on his own, like to the park to kick a ball about? I get the feeling that dh thinks you should be the one disciplining the boys (so he doesn't have to?) or maybe you have different ideas about how they should be disciplined - could you talk to him about that even if you can't talk to him about the stuff you're going through? What about your SIL or your mum, could they babysit for an hour or two while you get out the house on your own?
Oh, and I am one of those people with one child who are always late for everything that QF was talking about!

Meeely2, that's great it sounds like you're getting through to him keep telling him what he's doing right and what he's doing wrong and you'll get there! Has the chickenpox gone btw?

Still have a crusty twin and a non crusty twin. I hope non crusty gets it soon. DH and I will get there in the end, we all know how stressful parenthood is, and how lack of time to yourself leaves you in tracky bottoms with hair pulled back in ponytail, and no make up for most of the day. I think he is a 1950's man at heart, woman's place in the home and should make the effort for her man when he gets in from work (touch up the lippy, set her hair, dinner on the table...). He does cook dinner and mostly does the bottles, except at the mo where I'm at home anyway and can do it before he gets in.

I find the letter writing technique works everytime, you can get your feelings down while you're feeling them, instead of having to tell him about how you feel later on when the moment has passed, and I don't know about you I can't always get the right words out in an argument, so often get frustrated and we just end up screaming at each other. Then it's all down in black and white for him to read when he feels like it and he can go back over it at a later date. PLus cos he was bladdered when we had this row, the letter shows him what a dick he can be under the influence!

Fingers crossed this phase lasts past the boys 1st birthday (December).

Right, I've read and re-read lots of the comments. Trouble is its not as easy as just 'talking about your feelings'. I know HH said a bloody hard one - I CANNOT DO IT!!!!!! As babynovice said, maybe a step too far.

I'm OK and will deal with this, just right now not out loud. I don't know how to explain this properly but its something I have never ever done. I listened to others in my job, I help others, I wanted to fix other peoples woes and troubles and illness'. Its never occurred the opposite way round and it doesn't feel right.

When i went for the dr appointment, I am fully aware that each appoint. only is suppose to last 10mins. I was even worried I was taking up too much of her time so thought I cant go into too much. I have a real problem with this. Having told her a little, that to me is a huge hurdle. Sounds really stupid I know but to come out of my mouth, well things are tough, just isn't natural. I have sort of opened up to her so to me it just isn't in the equation to do so to dh or the counsellor which was offered and i refused!!!!! Now you hear this I'm sure you'll all just think i'm stupid and a lost cause - I know I have to see the dr again and again I will have to explain a bit to her. This to me is such a big deal, I cannot and will not just be able to open up to this person, that etc etc etc.

I don't know how clear this is.

Sax - I suppose you are opening up to us now.

Noone thinks you're stupid or a lost cause!!!

I'm sorry I've not been around much today... will try to get my PC to wotk this evening.

Thank you for your comments, they are very much appreciated. I do feel I am opening up a bit here which again is difficult for me even though its only on a pc and faceless people.

I don't have hardly anyone to turn to Babynovice about the childcare thing. SIL has three of her own and is over an hour away, My mother is farrr to busy (but occassionally under duress will come down if I have an appointment) and MIL I do not get on with.

I have realised something today though. I have just been for an MRI scan. I don't know how many people have been for one or seen one. They are enclosed into this tunnel, head type of helmet on and something which 4 weeks ago would certainly have caused a panic attack. I didn't ever have panics til about 8 weeks ago but I was fine, felt a bit nervy at one point but I managed to calm down and was fine. Soooo, the tablets are working and I am not so anxious.

The next bit is i know up to me. Me needing to get into a positive attitude and forget the negative one. I cannot give a reason for my depression, ie a specific, therefore added stresses I must deal with.

There, sorted LOL, my life will now be fine.

I ain't that silly but its a start - back to jane Fonda, onwards and upwards and I will try my best to motivate myself better, this will help for now.

So guys, hows this - I won't take the advice about talking to dh however I will try to motivate, be a bit more positve and I will as my next step say a bit more out loud to the dr when I next see her (about 4 weeks time) instead of looking like an anxious lemon!

Hoping Gossifer may pop her head in at some stage if not to busy with ds - hows it going Goss???

BTW Happyhuggy, I cannot believe I cannot start my journey without talking becasue how did I manage a perfectly normal life before? Surely I must have started my journey by going to the gp and admitting I had a struggle atm? I just believe people deal with the stresses in their lives in different ways and some ways work for some and some ways for others.

Am I off track or does this make sense?

No luck with the pc tonight then Queenflounce?

Time to invest me thinks!!! mind you the amount of time you spend working in the day on the pc I'm sure it will be a good excuse not to invest and to not have MN orphans - then again we all need a release and I say thank the lord for broadband wireless!!!!!!!! Hope to catch up with everyone soon.

Sorry if I've been hard work over the past couple of days - will try harder from now on!!!