going to have a 'good' week

[Sax]

Hope to be around a bit this week but on the onwards and upwards line not the low and sad one. Decided to take a positive attitude starting now and hope not to disappoint myself. i should be here if anyone needs an ear! Have a good week everyone......

Sax - You really should tell your DH. I know you don't want to.... but you NEED someone in your life that you don't need to put a front on with.

...then again, thats what MN is here for.

Its ingrained in our heads that depression is something to be ashamed of.... and to hide it from others. But it isn't, it's an illness. People who have never suffered from depression just do not understand that its not about "cheering up"..or just giving yourself a shake.

Now I feel more in control I am very open with everyone about the fact I suffered from PND. I want everyone that knows me to hear how much hell it was.... and to try to educate them on the condition. I can see visible shock in the faces of my friends when I tell them that some days I just wanted to walk in front of a truck.... and that I would straighten out the formalities of committing suicide as though I was planning a trip to the shops.

I have also been amazed at how many people I know admit they are on or have been on AD's. They seem to be really glad to open up to someone.

I am really not ready to tell my dh and don't know I ever will. I need to admit it to myself first definately...............I need to believe the tablets will help me but I also realise that they can't solve my stresses only help make me feel calmer which actually I do. Before I use to feel wobbly nearly all the time but now i am calm, just angry at myself for getting so low and not realising it and angry that I've not managed to cope which I so want to. at the world and disappointed in myself. I don't seem to be able to cry which would probably release so much tension, just keep carrying on as if I'm fine but I don't feel it inside...............I feel guilty............I don't feel I am as worthy to be here as the next person on the street........I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say...........I just feel I'm letting my family down GOD I HATE THIS FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toothache - did you tell people at the time how you were feeling or only now feel you can?

I think this is all a bit heavy for this time of the morning - I'm a bit paranoid at the moment - I suppose I just need to face the day and stop thinking about everything so deeply! On with the day then.......................may update this later to tell you all if I kept it together, not sure but on MN i guess its good to write stuff anyway.

So sorry Sax... I'm not ignoring you, honest. I had a meeting.

I totally relate to everything you're saying. I hated the world, I hated my life.... in fact the only thing I didn't hate was my ds. HE alone is the only reason I am still here. THANKFULLY!

I couldn't tell anyone until I felt in control. Ds was 18mths old when I first told my Mum.... and even then it took us both to drink a bottle of wine on Christmas day before I could open up. She was horrified.

I didn't enjoy being a Mum, I thought all those proud grinning Mums were lying to themselves that they were really happy to have a baby. I couldn't believe it when I saw women with newborn babies who looked happy. I painted such a good front, but inside I hated all those 'normal' Mums.

I don't actually remember much about the 1st year of ds's life.... its just a scary black cloud.

When dd came along I FINALLY understood what it felt like to walk down the street with your newborn and feeling on top of the world! I had proven to myself and to everyone that I could do 'normal'. Silly though it sounds.

This isn't your fault. And when you recover and look back at this point in your life you'll realise that. You're NOT doing this deliberately, you're NOT trying to hurt anyone.... in fact you are doing everything in your power to avoid that! That is half the battle.

Keep talking, keep venting.... I'm never away from MN for very long!

dear sax, thanks for asking, i'm good

in my totally uninformed way i think you're doing so well just being able to post how you feel on here and you're nearer to admitting things to yourself than you say, otherwise you wouldn't be here, you'd be in total denial - and you are able to say that the ADs are helping you keep calm - as toothache says you are suffering from an illness and it is not your fault and you are not to blame in any way at all! depression has such a stigma in our society, its not talked about so people don't understand it when they are confronted with it, either through suffering or through knowing someone who suffers; i almost feel stumped as to what to say, but continue on this thread because i feel for you and i can see a part of you wanting to share and reaching out and knowing that things can be good;
you are so strong to think of having good days - it shows you are aware of whats going on around you;
please do not feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong!!!!!;
as for letting your family down, there is no way you are, you are functioning as best you can and looking after them (& obviously love and care about them so very much), but perhaps this is where you do need to share how you are - telling you DH at the moment might be so hard but in the long run it will help you incredibly
sending big cuddles to you and don't worry about being 'too heavy' you should be able to be anything you want on here, that is the purpose,

Thank you Goss and toothache for your time - I am not really in denial because the hardest thing was talking to the dr. and telling her how I was feeling and having to go back two weeks later and discuss it again! I am taking the tablets which I wouldn't if I was in denial - so - here it is - i am depressed.

Problem though - you say its an illness, but it may be an illness but one we create! i have got myself into this situation! I have to get myself out of it - thats the thing.

My dh is so damned stressed himself, at work, about lack of money, the children wind him up! although he's great with them - he seems irritated by me and we are arguing a lot! i feel its so hard to motivate him all the time when I am having trouble motivating myself.

Sorry about all this, it seems so confusing to me but in black and white I feel it just looks so stupid, everyone has stresses in life, most of the time people just get on with it so I find it hard to be in this situation of not coping!!!!

You made me chuckle gossifer - 'you are so strong to think of having good days!'

At least I'm thinking of having them even if they aren't occuring lol!!!!!!!!!! and its not being strong to think of doing something is it really but thank you for saying that, your kind. I'm not strong at the mo which is half the problem - you have to be dealing with things to be strong!

Sax - It really isn't your job to be motivating your DH all the time. Does he not realise that its got to be a 2 way thing? Whether he's stressed at work or not it's the family that are important. He doesn't sound very supportive at all.

Sax - Its NOT an illness we create! Well my PND certainly wasn't, it was a hormonal imbalance which altered my perception and anxiety levels.... therefore totally diminishing my ability to cope with everyday situations. Its one thing to just be stressed out, but completely another to be clinically depressed.
You must stop thinking that way, its very hard to recover from depression if you keep blaming yourself and also taking on the problems of your DH.

Ooooops.... forgot to change my posting name back... can't be bothered now. I quite like this one!

Hi queenflounce - excellent name

If depression is not what we create - where the hell does it come from? I think the tablets help me keep calm, sleep which I wasn't but its me that needs to stop feeling so negative to feel me again.
I have to take on some of dhs stresses because our whole family will fall apart otherwise and the children will suffer! It has to appear normal for their sakes.

Sax - There are many forms of depression. Bipolar disorders... Hormonal imbalances.... none of which we have any control over at all. So, although some forms of depression can be induced by our own minds, most are not. Most are conditions. I mean you don't create the Flu in your own mind. You don't create Arthritis in your own mind.

I hear what you are saying but a little unsure how to move on.....trying to remain positive i guess

What do you think is at the root of your depression?

Mmmmm built up stresses. Three preschool boys, oldest recently dx autistic so dealing with numerous things for him at the mo as starting school in Sept, lack of money, lack of going out as a couple, husbands job - going for promotion, me going back to work not through choice, more needs must, lack of help with boys............boys being hard work ie. one is terrible twos!!, every f*ing thing and not being able to talk about my feelings openly......................you shouldn't have asked should you!!!!!!!! sorry

You have a lot on your plate. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed! So you need a bit of help to get through a very tough time in your life.... thats nothing to be ashamed of. You're NOT sticking your head in the sand and ignoring the problems. You're basically just increasing your ability to cope with all that life is throwing you at the mo. Thats a very responsible thing to do.

And you do have people you can 'talk' about your feelings openly to.

You said you don't create flu or arthritus but they are physical problems surely depression is just stress which we can't handle? Am I a little confused?

Sax - My PND was most certainly not that. Perhaps some depressions are caused by a build up of stress. But then a build up of stress could cause a heart attack, but we wouldn't class that as something we made up in our head.

Depression can be triggered by sudden hormonal changes. Now I don't know about you, but I can't increase the hormones in my own brain.

I just push everything I feel to the back of my mind and not talk about it and thats how I cope. Otherwise I feel if you start opening up the can of worms you highlight things which really don't need to be dwelled upon, thats when I start to get low again! I don't know its always good to 'express' how you feel becasue surely its just spelling out feelings which if you didn't express you wouldn't feel quite so much. I'm waffling now

Sax - I don't think that by supressing feelings you can just make them go away. Thats never going to be productive.

Sometimes I was so scraed to cry because I thought that if I started I would never stop.

i haven't been told I've got pnd, just depression so thats not caused by hormone imbalance is it? and no as far as I know I can't increase my hormones in my brain lol

I wish I could cry, I think it would help but I don't feel like crying!

Also, I've only been on the tablets 3 weeks so I guess they are getting into the system - but they are making feel very confused about everything and not helping me sort out my feelings - I don't know how to feel now and don't know if this is normal or should I be sorting those feelings out by now! oh I don't know how to be me at the moment - just going through the motions of life and plodding on day by day, thats all I can do............

Sax - It may well be hormonal. My GP told me that the common AD's actually work to balance the hormones in your brain.... so it must be a hormonal imbalance causing it. You should read up some websites about depression. I found it all very fascinating, but I did kind of concentrate specifically on PND. I'll look for a link for you. Be armed with knowledge!!

Do you just feel numb? I do know how you are feeling. It is awful.