Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

Haven;t got to a stage of not being able to function to the extent that you were before the breakdown.

I find my motivation to do anything other than think and feel upset is nil. I just switch off from life - can;t be bothered and have to just go off and be on my own. Nothing happens when I'm like this - no housework, no work, no stuff for school, don;t do the shopping. I just get consumed by upset and can;t motivate myself to do anything else.

This is what I am tryng to change as well.

do you feel as though you have hit rock bottom for you. Have you actually got to the stage yet where you have used the words ,please help me.
My gp who has actually been through the same thing said that until you ask for help by using the words help me...he said your brain is not in the mode of accepting help.I actually think he was right...because some people find it so difficult to accept help or even to accept that they are depressed and not functioning normally

Alypaly

Yes, I hit that point about 2 months ago and pleaded for help. I had been seeing a therapist but it wasn't until all the emotion came out that I fully realised how much help I needed.

I still don't know that they or I understand the help that I need.

Sometimes I just want to run away from my life and start again.

The therapists say "do something different" when you feel this wave of upset but I just don;t seem able to. It's like switch in my head and I can;t deal with anything.

I don;t know how to do anything different. It's like I can't make myself. But then I think, there's no such thing as can;t!

Not feeling very positive at the moment.

In a way I am glad you hit that stage,(you wont quite see the reasoning behind that yet) because it is only from that stage that you become receptive to accepting the help with a more open mind. You are a business woman as ive gathered from our conversation and spend alot of time on the computer(whether its talking to me or work is irrelevant).
I personally think the therapist sounds a little bit black and white by saying 'do something different...its not as easy as that.

At the moment your brain is like a computer on total overload and each additional piece of information, or each chore, is a mammoth task at the moment.It puts your brain on massive overload and almost makes you dysfunctional....unable to concentrate...other than on how sad ,lonely and pathetic ( i mean that in the nicest way)....almost incapable of normality.

Is that how you feel at the mo?

That's exactly how I feel at teh moment.

I am consumed by waves of just wanting to get eh negativie emotions out and cry with the pain and hurt.

I'm getting even more and more angry with the therapist who just say go home, do something different.

I feel like they're saying " snap out of it" and I want them to say yes, i understand your pain, it hurts, i get that.

Why can;t I just hurt at the moment? Why can't they just comfort me? They say that's DH job. I don;t want to go to him at the moment and I don;t know why.

There are too many unanswered questions in my head at the moment.

I am very good at logical, analysing but I can't rationlise this and its making me incredibly uncomfortable.

...we cant snap out of it and it would be wrong for anyone to say that as it is almost flippant. you are an intelligent person....you know they will never understand your pain,they are not you and every individual will react differently to our situation.They cannot put themselves in our place,they ,they are just trained in questioning techniques to try and bring the pain out to the surface.

I found an interesting definition for a psychotherapist.......
The treatment of mental and emotional disorders through the use of psychological techniques designed to encourage communication of conflicts and insight into problems, with the goal being relief of symptoms, changes in behavior leading to improved social and vocational functioning, and personality growth.

At no stage does their training teach them to show ud compassion otherwise they would become emotionally involved. This is what i was saying about them having 'washout' sessions, because some of them do get emotionally involved. Can you imagine carrying the baggage round in their heads that we divulge to them on a daily basis.
It would be rare for a therapist to do anything physical or to even really understand.

Yes alypaly

Intellectually I can agree with you.

I would expect them to know that someone who was abused will go through certain things like extreme pain, anger, guilt, shame etc and will give them the tools to manage it. That's waht I'm angry about. instead of helping me to manage it they just tell me to go home to DH.

What the hell can he do other than cuddle me. He can't know how to advise me when I'm in that upset state. He can;t question me to find out what I'm angry about or what the feelings relate to.

I don;t want them to do anything physical or get emotionally involved. I want them to demonstrate to me that they know what I'm going through

they should be helping you to manage your emotions as a basic part of the half hour session and to channel them in a positive curative direction.

I know i am playing devils advocate here,but why cant hubby advise you or indeed question you. I am not a therapist ,but it should be something that is within him,to help you come to terms with all this.

Maybe...please dont get mad at me...or do, if it makes you feel better...maybe there is still part of you that is keeping DH a bit at arms length,maybe you are not trusting him enough to let him in...( but i would not find that surprising after his betrayal.
I think you need to work mending your hurt with him first (never mind the fact that you feel slightly to blame...that is irrelevant...he should have had the strength of character ,not to betray you)and then maybe he can help you work through the other issues.

on a lighter note...i am trying to put handles on internal doors with completely new fixings so i have plastic wood all over my fingers and i am running riot with a drill.

If i dont reply,i am either intoxicated with the glue or i am drillin

A coping mechanism for me..i keep constantly busy except for MN which is slightly addictive. Not been on it for many weeks but its a strange addiction.

You are right. I do need to tackle the issues with DH.

Every time I try I come up against a brick wall. I have mentioned relationship counselling to him, but he manages to keep delaying and putting it off until he thinks I've given up on it.

He never initiates any conversation or shows any interest in me. Just leaves me to do/think things that involve any sort of talking beyonjd the superficial. I think this is why I don;t believe him when he says he loves me. Apart from asking for a hug, it's like having a lodger.

He's very good round the house and is fantastic with the children.

why cant hubby advise you or indeed question you. I am not a therapist ,but it should be something that is within him,to help you come to terms with all this.

Alypaly - He's not an emotional person either and has no wish to be. He claims he does feel things but just doens;t burst into tears.

Even when we had the children, he showed no emotion/excitement etc, even though I know he loves them to bits. He is good though at cuddling them and telling them he loves them.

If I go off and don;t come back, he never asks where I've been, what I've been thinking about, how I am. Shows no interest. I then interpret this as he doesn't care or love me. If he did he would show some interest.

ADQ ,i think we are getting to the straw that has metaphorically broken the camels back...your relationship with DH has been the one thats finally triggered off these feeling of insecurity...but can you see the links...its taken you back to similar feelings...the abuse(needing a hug to comfort you because you feel insecure)..(never happened)--betrayal(made you feel insecurepossibly the proof of love never happened)--avoidance of talking about real feelings by not going to counselling, therefore denying you your feelings.
That must annoy you intensely that
a)he wont go and face the problems
b)he wont listen to what its done to you
c)by not going to a marriage counsellor, he is almost betraying you again.

Wasnt quite sure,is it you who does the asking for the hug ?

You sound as if you dont have a fulfilling relationship on the emotional side ,the side to do with your feelings and emotions.
I am pleased that he is good around the house and brilliant with the children... and i can feel that you are slightly protecting him from your comments.
I feel as though there is alot more resentment towards him,within you.

you are 42,and you have to ask yourself...is what you have enough to sustain you emotionally for the foreseeable future...because when the children have gone,you have a man that is quote good around the house and thats it.is|that* enoughfor you...i dont think it is from the brief time we have been speaking.Having a lodger is going to leave you totally unfilled emotionally and physically i think.

Its funny...as we have been talking i have noticed that you are quite angry at DH although when you initially posted ,you were almost protective of him and in denial abouit there being much wrong.
I am pleased that you have opened up a bit more and i hope it helps to get it off your chest.

What would you say was showing an interest in you if you were asked?

I know exactly where you are coming from about the lodger...i have a BF who is totally emotionless,never says i love you but he is handy around the house and is great with my boys. I am a little older than you at 53.5 and i have no idea where to look to find someone who would fulfill my emotional, physical,intellectual and financial needs.He certainly doesnt and that is why he doesnt live with me......I call him a BF but actually he is a friend that is a man in reality.Its empty..its a platonic friendship.
I yearn for some demonstrable emotion and as childish as it sounds,some attention and romance...dont you?

What we have is not enough to sustain me for the rest of my life and i hope i will meet someone to sweep me off my feet,just to feel in love and be loved again..its sad isnt it?
sorry its a another long one

hi just wanted to check in quickly as am away on a training course for next few days so can't post much but wanted to say I'm following this and have taken a lot of comfort from it. I will post v. soon adelicate and alypaly thanks so much for your words of wisdom...you are both very insightful and very brave

Hope you enjoy your course cremeeggs.

Alypaly - you have hit some raw nerves here tonight which I need to process before commenting on them.

I am going to spend the next hour or so watching a tv program and have an early night!

sorry..i am honestly trying to help.....i believe its the only way.
Dont mean to be hurtful in anyway at all ...i just dont like the sound of you hurting in the way i did.
And as i am now through that long,dark tunnel,it is a little easier for me to make sense of all this tumoil and i sense where you are right now and its confusing for you in every way.
This is what your counsellor should be doing for you. Its a shame we dont live near each other as i would be willing to help you through this. I would hate anyone to go through what i have been through and your story is very similar,from start to present day.

Again sorry if i upset you..i hope you are not annoyed with me for helping it to come out.

hope you have a peaceful night and maybe a glass of wine.

I feel a little like an intruder here but I just wanted to say to Alypaly that I think the help and support you are giving to ADQ is absolutely brilliant and as good as any therapist could give. ADQ I think you are brilliant too for being able to engage in this dialogue when you are feeling so hurt. I may be sticking my nose in but can't you 2 get together in RL even if you don't live near each other. As you both know only too well there are no "quick fixes" to these emotional difficulties but there is nothing like talking with someone who has experienced whatever it is we are going through.

Alypaly - have you thought of training as a counseller/therapist?

Thankyou NanaNina...i have actually thought of it,and now i am out of work i have realised that it may be my vocation in life. I must investigate it as i think i would be able to help alot of people

Alypaly

I wasn't upset at you. You have been wonderful.

Some of the things you said hit home because they are similar things that the therapist has been saying and I have been avoiding dealing or facing up to it.

So last night when I got upset I did talk to DH about it. He read this thread and was brilliant. He held me so tight while I cried and sobbed about the affair.

We still have some way to go but he did comment that what I'd written was reasonable and he will go to counselling with me to sort out the remains of what is obviously still affecting me. So we'll see how things turn out.

Where in the country are you. I'm in the South.

NanaNina

You are right about Alypaly. She has helped me no end understand what I seem to be missing with the therapist. I have to say that sometimes I hae been in denial and avoided what they have said.

The help and support has got me through some difficult nights and days.

Thanks to all who have posted.

gosh thankyou ADQ i feel a little overwhelmed. I am not after thanks in any way whatsoever...i just honestly wanted to help.If i can help just one person to come to terms with mental torment it would be wonderful for both parties. Its along time to bear the memories of child abuse and on top of an empty present...its very very tough and involves alot of soul searching..

gosh ADQ!that was a very big step to let DH read this thread....you are very brave.I am really glad you did, because alot of what you have written to me, as a stranger, may well have gone unsaid in real life, to DH.

How does he feel about you conversing with a total stranger on the ether so to speak?

Has he seen the whole thread or the bits that are relevant. How did he take the one about the 'lodger' or did you skip that that one incase it was too hurtful?

At least you have made the first step, in airing your feelings...now you have to make the step of verbalising them with him and showing how you have felt and feel...whether its anger or whatever emotion...thankfully you have opened the flood gates ...maybe now is the very early start of your healing process.

Hope you have a better weekend without as much pent up emotion. Well done

I live in Stockport Cheshire....but the country is not that big!

Alypaly

He has no problem with me discussing it on here - I guess it saves him!

Has he seen the whole thread or the bits that are relevant. How did he take the one about the 'lodger' or did you skip that that one incase it was too hurtful?

No that was the first one he read and then he took that on board and read the rest. He really is quite a reasonable bloke really. He has his issues with emotions and communication. The difficulty is he doesn;t realise it yet. I'm hoping with the counselling he and me can take our relationship to a much better level.

Long drive to meet for a coffee!!!lol

It's been a long busy day today. I'm looking forward to getting kids to bed and relaxing.

you sound glad its all been aired.have a good weekend.

Hi

I had an email today from my psychiatrist in response to an email I sent him earlier last week when I was feeling particularly weepy.

He has suggested considering medication.

It's not what I want to get me through. What I want is someone to validate my pain and help me find ways of coping when I am feeling at my worst (mumsnet can do it -why can't the so called professionals).

DH says I am being unreasonable and they are not there to comfort me but they could give me ways to cope with the feelings. maybe they can;t?

I am getting on with some things today but feel a bit flat.

How did your peaceful evening go?

Has DH actually used the words unreasonable after all the tears the other night?
I thought he might have been a bit more tactful. Maybe he does find it difficult and frustrating as he cant feel your pain. It must be hard for an outsider looking in.

ADQ...i dont think medication is the answer.
However whilst you are on this roller coaster of emotions...one day ok,the next one at rock bottom....i do think tablets can give you more of a sense of equilibrium,so that you are better able to deal with your problems.That is how they are supposed to work.
Anti depressants and anti anxiolytics are not panaceas...but unfortunately some people see them as the be all and end all to help them through every little problem.

They help prevent this massive fluctuations in mood swings...but it sometimes takes time to find the right one to suit.

The counsellors will ask you indirectly to find your own means of coping, so that you feel it is right for you.
If they suggest something and it fails,then blame can be misdirected onto them...it is honestly up to you to find out whats best for you...and no one else but you knows what that is.IYGWIM

I had a lot of different antidepressants to start with but nothing seemed to work,i just had to work through the pain.

Saying that i am still occasionally taking one called surmontil as i have terrible problems getting to sleep even now.My Gp gave me it as it has a side effect of drowsiness,so it helped in 2 ways.

How do you sleep...well or is it very broken?