Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

[adelicatequestion]

welcome DNFT and lulu.

The more the merrier I say.

I did see the therapist today and I cried for the cuddles i wanted and how I wanted a hug, but they said if they did that, they would be substituting for my mum and dad and that wouldn;t help me in the long run. If I was upset about something and wanted a hug - then that would be ok. They don;t buy into this "inner child" theory obviously.

I had to decide what I wanted and focus on that or do something physical when the emotion overtook me. Not spend hours crying and away from the family. My childrena are 12 and 9.

I think if I told my mum that I was starved of cuddles as a child, she would probably cuddle me but I find it so hard to tell her.

I also have to decide whether to tell my dad about the abuse. Difficult one that. I'm scared it will finish him off and would I get any healing from it?

[alypaly]

ADQ my mum didnt cuddle me either and then when i had my breakdown i actually asked her to put her arm round me. She sent me a lovely card with a mummy duck with its wing around its duckling and i have kept it for 21 years...it still makes me cry. Her hugs were not what i would call a good heartfelt hug and like i said before,she would just pat me(which i hated)

I found it difficult to ask for those hugs and kisses...she would never kiss me on the lips like a proper mum when i was little. She still struggled with that and it was normally a peck on the cheek or just 2 cheeks touching.

Our closeness did improve alot over the years but now she is gone i feel as though i have lost my best friend and i would love to have my time back with her. I guess i am really quite lonely now(except for my boys)and she was my best friend and confidant

[alypaly]

adelicatequestion ...i am sorry you are feeling like this ...do you have any close friends to confide in at all about anything.

wooooo why has it all gone bold type????

[alypaly]

is the abuser someone known to your dad....you never know...is it possible he knows and hasnt come to terms with it himself.

please ask your mum for those cuddles because you will regret not doing it in years to come.

[adelicatequestion]

My dad knew all the abusers. He just doesn;t know they abused me.

If he does, I will be very angry with him, but I don;t think he does.

I just worry about what telling him will do and what if it doens;t make me feel any better. What will that achieve?

[alypaly]

i used to wonder if my mum or dad knew becos my brother used to keep stacks of pornographic mags under his bed...and i mean 100's. And when i was in my teens i realised how abnormal it was to have them on virtual display and soo many.

My abuse used to go on when my mum walked to the shops and then there were the threats not to tell. Surely she should have seen how weird he was. I would notice if my own boys took such an avid interest in hard core porn mags. Most teenagers would hide the mags...not stack them under their beds.

I did once ask her but she said she didnt know and what was worse she didnt believe me until she confronted my brother and then he admitted it all...then blamed her because he got no cuddles. How limp is that.That almost destroyed my relationship with my mother when i was 33...to not be believed was so awful. Maybe thats why i bottled it all up for so many years before i collapsed.

[adelicatequestion]

That does sound a bit odd alypaly. All those magazines on display with an 8 yr old around. I certainly wouldn;t allow it.

I am slowly coming round this evening to some sort of normality.

Maybe the therapist did some good not pandering to my emotions. I am still angry with them and a bit p**d off they didn;t validate what I was feeling.

[alypaly]

they are getting you to show feelings...you are angry and that is what you are at your mum for not hugging you...

I often wonder if my mum was frightened of my brother or whether she just ignored the books as she had so much to contend with,with my alcoholic father who was violent. Maybe she just allowed the books in order to keep the peace as he did beat my brother aswell, when he was drunk.

Thank god life is so much better now,and i have two lovely boys,and all that cr** is behind me in the main.

[adelicatequestion]

They are certainly getting me to show feelings but I am so angry with the unsympathetic way they are doing it.

What do you do to fill a bottomless pit of love. It doesn't seem to matter what DH does, it's never enough to fill my need for love.

I have another session tomorrow and want to explain my confusion.

Did your mum ever talk about your abuse after the event alypaly? Was she guilty? My mum hasnt mentioned it since I told her about it.

[alypaly]

she talked to me briefly when i was in the hospital for 3 months.....and she vehemently denies any knowledge.........but she wasnt the quickest at putting 2+2 together.She didnt speak to my stepbrother for nearly a year(then everything seemed to go back to normal) and then he asked her to come for xmas. I was devastated when she went for a xmas meal.It was like the second betrayal.
I asked her why she had gone and she said she had to treat us both equally as we were both her children.

Even when she was older and we openly discussed her will,she still wanted to treat us equally...not that i wanted more of her savings ..I didnt.But i would have cut my son out of my will completely, if it had been me.Wouldnt you?
That was irrelavant anyway as all her savings went on her nursing homes and care which i ended up doing 100%of, as HE walked away.

When she had her first stroke,I thought it only right to tell him and he came to my house for the first time ever....god i felt sick when he came through my door...but i didnt let him into lounge...i just made him stand in the hall...i felt violated yet again.
I had to go and shower and spray my hall with airfreshner....how stupid is that?

At the time i was so angry that my mum could get over this trauma in 1 year and eventually it took about 5 years or more out of mine.

i suppose you dont want to think of your son as doing that sort of thing and alarm bells didnt ring for her even with all those books under his bed. I suppose if she didnt realise the abuse was going on,she probably thought dirty mags were a part of boys growing up.......i will never know what went through her head....all i know is, if my boys were like that i think i would recognise a problem.

In her defense she had alot on her plate...what with my dad being a gambler and an alcoholic,beating all three of us up and on one occasion i remember him threatening her with a carving knife(i saw it thro the door hinge) and many occasions he hit my stepbrother with a cricket bat.she had to take all the money off my dad otherwise he would gamble it away at the bookies.It was a horrible childhood but i have no memeory of my years before i was 8..sad really.

I do honestly believe her, when she said she didnt know. i am sure she wouldnt have even guessed how perverted he was she would never have guessed that he also involved my only friend (the girl next door)who was the same age too.

Believe it or not he is now a laypreacher.........lol....how hypocritical is that???????but my only worry is that he may be too close to children in his work.Lay preacher what a joke...does he think he is going to get inner cleansing????

What did your mum say when you told her?
Why do you think she hasnt said anything?
Would you like her to talk more about it to you or does she still see the people that did this to you|?

[adelicatequestion]

Gosh alypaly

you did well to talk about it all with your mum. It was a horrible situation to be in, both for you and her.

All the people who abused me are long gone in that they were people who mved on, we moved away and we are not in touch with any of them.

In a way it makes it easier.

DH said to me last night that maybe I'm wallowing in the hurt and should maybe get up and focus on something else (similar to what the therapist said!). BUT when i am that upset, I am that child and I don't want to get up and go for a walk/run or anything else. I want to be hugged and be cared for. That's childish right?

When I told my mum she said nothing. Did nothing and has done/said nothing since. I will tackle her again about it but now's not the time (my grandma is very ill).

[alypaly]

its not childish at all ADQ...i am still like that even now.
I still long to be cared for in that child like way...but like you seem to be, I too have always been relatively successful.
I was a hospital Medical rep for 13 years and all the perks that go with that...company car,expense acct etc,own house at 21(which i got as fast as i could,to get away from my father). I dont think that childlike feeling ever goes away ..maybe it would if i met the RIGHT man. Maybe there is still something missing in your relationship...maybe you cant get rid of the ghosts that DH has left by his disloyalty...It is a betrayal and maybe deep down you havent come to terms with it.Personally i feel that once trust has been broken it is virtually impossible to get it back....thats why my ex is my ex although i still love him deep down.

People in your past betrayed you...DH betrayed you ...maybe there is a link as to how you feel now...that why whatever he does is not enuf.its possible it might never be..looking on the bleak side.

Can i ask why were there more than one abuser...was it seperate occasions or them together...if its too personal i wont be offended.

My so called stepbrother forced actually forced sex on me at 8 (i suppose it it termed rape) but he was also a weirdo aswell (and got my friend to join in)and it took me many years to tell my ex partner what he did to me. Once i did let it all out,it was quite cathartic tho.Although my ex wanted to erase him from this planet and i still cant wait for the day he is 7 feet under.

So although we learn to cope with all this, to get thro life,it still simmers underneath...its whether you let the feelings control you or vice versa.

Im sorry you are suffering so much with no one to lean on.

[adelicatequestion]

i do need to work through the betrayal, although despite what he did, I've always felt we had a future adn that what he did was a reflection of the stress at the time and not that he was a bad person. I believe he will never do it again.

My session today revolved around me realising that I was leaning on the therapist and actually it's only me who can fix those feelings of being unloved. That in itself hurts, because I don't know anyone other than the therapist who would understand the pain.

Their thinking is that they don't need to know how painful it is to help, hence not coming to help me.

[alypaly]

i understand your pain...i dont know if that helps as i am a total stranger.

You are right ..it is only you that can fix things and you sound as though you understand that. The therapists are just "that wall to bounce the ball off "as i said in the earlier post and they do get to the point where they annoy and frustrate you.

You seem to be having alot of sessions..do you have 2 a week.

Have you thought about how you are going to deal with the betrayal.does he know the depth of pain that he caused you?

It is much easier to deal with one thing that is bothering you, at a time, rather than trying to sort out your feelings. When you have dealt with each issue..then you are in a better situation to sort out you innermost feelings and some of them will have been dealt with, when you lay all these ghosts to rest.

[adelicatequestion]

Alypaly

Yes he knows the depth of pain and is very good when i need to deal with it, he will tell me that he loves me and does all the right things. I think the main problem is my lack of self esteem. I don;t always believe him and feel like no one could possibly have chosen me.

Normally I have one session a week but have been so ropey the last few weeks since all the emotions hit me that i have been having 2 a week. It may settle down again as I am becoming more lucid again now. It seems to hit me in waves and what they are teaching me now is how to not let it take over my whole evenings and days and soothe myself a bit without needing someone else.

I suppose moving me from despearate child mode to dealing with it at a more adult level.

Gosh, I seem to have processed so much in the last few weeks and I really do appreciate you (alypaly, twoisplenty and everyone else who has contributed) being around to share it with. It has helped tremendously.

[cremeeggs]

alypaly and adelicatequestion have only been able to read first couple of pages and you both made me almost cry - i say almost because i too have experienced this and am going through therapy; I want to cry but there are no tears.

Your experiences have really struck a chord with me. i would like to say it is nice to know I'm not alone but can't because then it seems like I am glad you've been through this nightmare too, which of course I'm not....

My own experience is weird in that until about 6 months ago i didn't know in so many words it had happened. i just started remembering the odd scene and now i am starting to piece it together. However I was very, very young - around 2-4 years old, so i have very few memories of that time, just feelings I've always had and a deep-rooted sense of shame, fear and lack of self-esteem. I have always hated the family member involved but never known why, so it kind of explains it.

But what i really need to know is will I ever really remember? It is driving me insane. it feels like I need to re-play every scene in order to be able to make peace with what happened. At the moment there is just emptiness and numbness and I feel like an emotional vacuum, if that makes any sense?

[adelicatequestion]

Oh gosh cremeeggs

So glad you found us. When I posted my original post almost a month ago, I was in a similar position to you.

I had been having therapy for almost a year and could only remember odd bits that didn;t make sense. This is still the case. Don;t stress about it. My psychiatrist told me that the memories that you retain will trickle through. In that frightening situation of abuse some memories are never laid donw so you may never remember some things.

Knowing this took the pressure off me a bit because I was getting tied up in knots wanting to remember so i could deal with it.

I too felt no emotion, still have no self esteem, feel lots of guilt shame etc and am only now starting to work on those things. More emotion has come out for me recently (a lot actually that i've struggled to deal with).

I am starting to calm down a bit now but it's been a very hard 2 to 3 months.

I really wish you well and post on here anything at all that you feel like. I'll gladly pass on any info I've been given or tell you what I've experienced.

Alypaly's a bit further through the process than me. I'm probably more at the discovery stage like you.

Strap on your seat belt. You;re in for a ride. Whilst I haven't enjoyed it, I've always felt it is a necessary ride to get out teh other end feeling better and living more of the life I want to.

[cremeeggs]

Wow adelicatequestion you sound so "sorted" with all of this as you are able to see exactly where you are at and why you need to deal with this stuff.

What you say about the memories is really valuable. I am angry with myself for not remembering and it feels like I'm locked in my own private kind of hell sometimes. I know stuff happened but I also feel that no-one would ever believe me, especially as I've gone through long periods of self-denial and questioning about the few memories i have got.

My therapist has said that she is certain that what i am beginning to remember did actually happen and that it is normal to have suppressed it for so long. It just makes me feel like my whole life has been a lie (to myself) and so very alone really. There is no way on this earth I could tell my Mum and I cannot bring myself to tell DH for fear of what it would do to him.

Your post has really made me feel better as now I know i'm not alone and you really seem to understand what it is like. So thank you so much for tha. And i'm so sorry this has happened to you. Some people are just inhuman aren't they

[adelicatequestion]

Cremeeggs - I don't know how old you are but it took me 42 years! I too struggled for years about telling people.

I did eventually tell DH and he was fine with it. I worried for ages that it would spoil things. I worry now about telling him the details - my therapist has suggested sharing it with him but I'm not ready for that yet.

I told my mum (wasn;t a good experience) and I've bnever told my dad. I only told my brother a few weeks ago and it has transformed our relationship for the better. We are much closer now and that has increased my confidence. Last night I told a friend. Actually writing this has made me realise in te last few months hw I've changed. I would NEVER have told anyone 3 months ago. There is hope.

Try and share it with your DH. Would he comfort you. Mine really stepped up to the mark when I was having extreme emotions and would let him. I find it difficult to be around the children when I am at my most emotional because I don't really know how to do emotions very well. They took me by surprise. I had never cried in front of anyone except DH. I don;t ever remember crying in front of my mum or dad. I have cried (a bit) in front of therapist.

Sorry - written too much!

[adelicatequestion]

Alypaly

How do you comfort yourself when you are in the midst of feeling lonely and emplty of love.

After today, I understand that the therapists can't fix this, but I'm looking for ways/what others do when they are really gut wrenchingly upset and crying.

[cremeeggs]

Adelicate I felt like that today whilst I was driving (without the actual tears!) it's overwhelming and makes me feel like giving up tbh.

But today I made myself stop the car and go into a supermarket. it kind of "normalised" things and brought me down to earth before switching back into Mummy mode with my DC. It's the only way I know to cope otherwise I can feel myself giving into it and a big black hole of self-pity and nothingness opening up. At the moment I'm looking at the hole but deciding not to go into it - don't know if that's right or wrong but that's what it's like...

I am thinking about telling DH but not sure if he can take it or should be burdened with it? I also feel it would bring something unspeakable into our relationship and I'm not ready for that yet.

[adelicatequestion]

cremeeggs.

It sounds like we are in similar places, the only difference is that I jumped in to the big hole. I have felt like giving up many times. Don;t give up. It can only get better.

For the last few weeks, I have been leaving DH to look after the childen, while I go off and cry it all out on my own. I think it has helped me process some stuff and also understand why I felt this emptiness. I now understand what I am/was craving.

I now need to learn to do what you did and learn how to not let it take over whole afternoons and hours of time. Do what you did to "normalise" but I also think it's important to recognise the emotions and to still process them.

It sounds like you are doing really well.

Your DH will recognise something is different and may be worried and not saying anything. My DH was relieved when I told him because his imagination was thinking all sorts. He won;t view it as being burdened. Why won;t he be able to take it?

[alypaly]

hi cremeeggs ..happy to have you on board...

Read your post about you not being able to remember things.
My advice would be to not try and remember things and not that i am suggesting it,but be careful not to transpose the things that have happened to other abused people, on to what to you. Apparently it is an easy thing to occur when you havent any memory...its a form of autosuggestion and in court cases it has been proven to happen. Try and just let things come out naturally,rather than wondering@did that happen' IYKWIM
There is a big difference between normalising things,getting on with everyday things AND internalising things. Dont suppress anything otherwise this mushroom becomes a mountain.

adelicatequestion
How do I comfort myself...that a difficult one...Im a single mum,2 boys of 16 and 21(21 year old at uni away from home)...i plough myself into sport and DIY and cooking. I am not in love with BF(its quite loveless and without any physicality) ...we are just good friends and have been like that for 12 years.
I am lonely...but i guess i have hardened myself up alot........coming through a breakdown has toughened me up alot,but it has also made me a more understanding person and quite analytical. In fact since pulling through all this i have contemplated being a counsellor as i can talk fron experience rather than text books!!!!!!!!!
When i have had bouts of crying to do with the abuse,i did cry in front of my boys and i told them it was because of things that had happened to mummy in the past,but now i dont cry about that to them, as they know about it(not the details). However i do still have terribly bad weepy sessions about loosing my mum and i do sob uncontrollably. I hold her picture and i just cry buckets.

Have either of you reached the stage where you are totally unable to function and just constantly shake even just say, boiling a kettle or buttering toast....that is what my abuse drove me to before i was hospitalised.I thought i had gone mad, but my brain was just like a computer on overload.That for me was rock bottom.My stress affected my eyesight(went blurry),couldnt process 2 single tasks...ie didnt know which order to do them in..should i take the tea bag out before the milk goes in. Simple things,but this was how badly it affected me and i stayed in hospital for 3 solid months!!!!!!!!!And i felt i looked different after my collapse to which knocked my confidence for six.

[alypaly]

ADQ i am really happy the conversations have helped...and i hope they continue to help{smile]

Cremeeggs....as ADQ says share it with your husband....my psychiatrist said somthing very profound that has helped me immensely and that is:-
People have a choice when you tell them something tragic...they either listen and help YOU sort it out or thay personally take it on board and then it affects then. Until you tell him,you dont know what category his mind is in,he could well be able to deal with it,he might be angry,sad...whatever,it doesnt matter...but the worst reaction is what we did and that was to mask it and internalise it for years..and look what it has done to us!!!!!

I now use this philosophy in everyday life so that i dont get a build up of strong internal feelings that affect everyday life...Try it,it may help.
Just an example....if your boss or a colleague asks you to do something that would put pressure on you....do you do it even though you wanted to say 'NO'?
Well my doc said,have the courage to say 'NO' and stand up for yourself,dont be used,or intimidated(as in the past) and your ability to cope will grow.

[alypaly]

anyway off to do some decorating...but will be back later