Recovering from child abuse......help needed

[adelicatequestion]

Hi

I have been having hterapy for almost a year now for child abuse issues.

The problem I have is no emotions. I talk about the abuse as if I was buying a bag of potatoes or commenting on the weather. I can;t seem to bring out emotions about it to process them,.

Daily I have panic attacks and wake up in the night shaking.

Has anyone been thorugh this. What are the stages you go through. Will I ever be able to experience emotions. I do cry about other things - sometimes, but am not an emotional person.

TIA

The evening went quickly, but it was ok.

Has DH actually used the words unreasonable after all the tears the other night?

Yes those were the words he used. I don;t think he knew what to say. He held me tight for a while.

ADQ...i dont think medication is the answer.

I don't want it at all. Never again. I had them after the affair and hated it. And here I am still dealing with the aftermath. They didn;t do any good at all. I don't even think they helped me look after 2 babies and a toddler any better.

I think I know what's best for me and its not medication. I need someone to lean on and the sad thing is there isn;t anyone in RL I can talk to as openly as I do on here.

Usually I don't sleep too badly but i go thorugh times of waking up in panic. feeling sick and having sexually explicit dreams of things happening to me or me watching things. I had one last night and don;t know if its a flashback or nothing at all.

How do you know the difference. Are these memories? or as DH says just dreams and they don;t mean anything. The thing is they are strangely familiar and parts of them do relate to my memories. I just don;t know where the boundaries are between memory and dream.

dreams are a way of your mind cataloging events and until they have found a compartment to settle in, they just recurr. You have a massive pandoras box in your brain at the moment and it all needs compartmentalising.But dont try to rush all this otherwise impatience may take over.

Are they dreams about what happened to you..wasnt quite clear on that one?

Parts of it were very famiiar to me and were along the lines of what happened.

I'm trying not to assume that these dreams are more memories coming to the front of my mind.

It worries me that these things could have been done to me.

what is difficult at times is to superimpose what could have happened and what did happen to you. Not that im saying you are....im not. But you always have to be aware that as you are so sensitive to everything at this moment...your sleeping mind may be open to allsorts of autosuggestions. You WILL remember what happened to you quite clearly ....it is probably the life that you had around those times that will evade you.

If you are trying to make yourself remember,i would suggest that you dont try as hard as I will come back very easily.

I dont think we block the memory of what happened to us out ,we block the feelings we felt,out IYGWIM.

sorry i meant to say not to superimpose...forgot the NOT out. Really should read my post to you more thoroughly otherwise they will make absolute nonsense.

I feel that you are a bit angry with DH again

Gosh, I've had a rollercoaster of days.

I have so many issues, I don't know which one to deal with first. DH, therapists, medication, panic attacks, memories coming back.

I am keeping my journal going and the one theme that keeps coming up is lack of love/care and my crap self esteem.

I've been in tears after hearing "sexual healing" on the radio! What's that about?

Been looking for a relationship counsellor but how do you know if they're any good. What questions can I ask?

I that the same as marriage guidance ,but a more modern name...just incase you arent married.
I suppose they are like the physco counsellors...some good,some not so good. What works for one personn doesnt for another...but its an expense to find out...

Am not quite myself today...been for loop diathermy as they have found pre cancerous cells in my cervix..so i may have an early night tonight...so dont think im ignoring you if i dont reply. I have got awful tummy cramps after having it done,and i played badminton last night til 11pm so i am a bit done in...

Oh gosh I'm sorry.

That must be a great worry. I'm sorry i don't know much about it. Will that get rid of them or will you need more treatment?

Take care and look after yourself.

hopefully its supposed to take the pre cancerous cells at the neck of the cervix away, but the nurse practitioner has a feeling they are coming from higher up inside whats called the 'Os'( which is the neck to the uterus).
I have now got to wait 6 moths for another smear and if that comes back normal, i will have to have smears every 6 months for a while. If it comes back abnormal i will have to have a Cone biopsy which is the removal of all the neck of the cervix which my friend had and she said she was in alot of discomfort afterwards and she got an infection.( then the last resort is a hysterectomy

I really do hope it's all clear for you. That's a long time to wait.

Do you have a plan to relax and pamper yourself this evening?

I hope you don't have any painting, varnishing, drilling etc planned !!lol

no,hopefully tomorrow..i will finish putting my new door handles on and i might even go and buy my tiles for the kitchen. Saw some lovely ones in limestone yesterday.

I am trying to get everywhere finished before BF 50th birthday on the 23 october AND plan his secret birthday(invitations and food etc)...but its all getting a bit close. I think people will just have to take the house as it is.
I am expecting about 50 people to my house and am putting a small marquee up in the garden for a BBQ.( one that i used for DS1 18th) Ive got one of those open coal fire pits that i can put inside it to keep everyone warm. Dont fancy everyone inside as i have a pale peach carpet and red wine might make a bit of a mess along with all the mud from the garden.
I am hoping for nice weather...but i guess i will have to take whatever october throws at me.
Cant really afford to hire anywhere and i love cooking so i would like to do it home too. We have managed a BBq in the rain before, as we have a separate awning to go over the BBQ. might sit down with a glass of wine and plan the food or even take the wine to bed and do the same.

How about you...what are you up to tonight...no more sad songs i hope

What i should be doing is putting children to bed. DH is out.

I think I had a bit of a breakthrough today regarding what I posted earlier in the week.

I saw therapist last night and was so angry because I couldn't tell them that I was still angry for them not coming to help me when I was so upset. I needed someone there.

Anyway last night I was angry at session and it was going nowhere other than me getting angry - so it finiahed early. When I got outside in car - I fell apart again - wanting a cuddle, feeling lonely etc etc. They tapped on the window and I sooo wanted them to sit next to me in the car while I told them all the feelings (can;t do this in the sessions - too angry and frustrated). I said, I'm ok - go home.

Why did I do that? So they went and then I really fell apart. I wanted them to notice that I was upset and stay. I wrote for 2 hours whilst crying.

How babyish is that behaviour?

Anyhow - today i realised that I do that a lot - instead of getting upset, I get angry and then instead of asking for waht i want or need, I push people away but still wanting them to know I'm upset and treat me like I'm upset when all they see is anger!

I'm rambling here - sorry, but it all makes sense to me. It's good to write it down actually.

I hope you get all your decorating and house stuff done before the party.

Taking wine to bed - now that's a good idea.

the sessions are so contrived arent they...it difficult to have emotions between 5.30 pm an d6pm and then just turn them on and off like a tap.It doesnt work like that for us but they have to go by that damned clock.

You sound as if you are getting frustrated with yourself for not bring able to reach out when you need help. That comes of probably being a sucessful person in business and not wanting people to see that you might appear to have a weakness. Tell me...be honest...are you good at most things you do and do most people perceive you as capable and as a perfectionist.....but importantly do you wish people would see that vulnerable side of you...but you dont quite know how to put it over...because that side was never portrayed to you by your parents?

BTW i dont normally drink wine in bed..it was just a wild thought

Alypaly

Are you sure you don;t know me in real life? You are really very insightful. Get to that vocation quickly!

You are absolutely spot on. I am considered to be very capable and professional and am not meant to have a vulnerable side.

Emotions were not done in our house growing up. My brother is the same apparently!

I don't remember being told not to show emotion, but I don't ever remember being encouraged to or any displays of emotion by my parents. Don;t remember having cuddles either. Maybe it was the done thing then?

Hope you enjoyed your wine.

Alypaly

How are you feeling today. Did you take that wine to bed!

hello....ADQ...took a campari and lemonade to bed instead and read Gordon Ramsays autobiography.

Yes im feeling okay today(thanks for asking),but was perculiarly shattered last night tho.Tummy cramps have gone now...just a tad sore tho
Got to go back to the hospital tomorrow as i seem to have had a bit of an allergic reaction to the antibiotic cream or something they put on the op site. Could do with gallons of cold water and ice IYGWIM. Never had an allergic reaction to anything before but i am on fire. hope it goes soon...could do without that.

We are very similar in our past....your parents were like mine (unemotional and not at all cuddly)and we are similar too,in that people always see me as very capable and i used to be an dreadful perfectionist too( possible due to seeking some kind of praise from parents...some form of recognition for my ability)....calmed down a bit now tho.

How are you today any way?

Is your brother going thro similar problems or is he unaffected by it?
I think our parents generation were tough but i dont think we should make excuses for them not showing emotion. Plenty of them did and do cuddle now. How old are your parents if you dont mind me asking?

Just logged on and saw your reply

That does sound uncomfortable. Here's wishing you cooling thoughts.......

I am not too bad today.

Realting to waht I wrote after Monday
"Anyhow - today i realised that I do that a lot - instead of getting upset, I get angry and then instead of asking for waht i want or need, I push people away but still wanting them to know I'm upset and treat me like I'm upset when all they see is anger!"

I did talk this through with the therapist afterwards and I think they were trying to get me to ask for what I want rather than getting upset and expecting them to notice.

So now I just have to ask for what I need.

I was very much in little girl mode and now have a more grown up attitude to that particular trait of mine. DH is very pleased because apparently I do the same to him. Get angry and expect him to mind read my upset.

Can;t beleive it's taken me this long to realise and feel a bit of a baby about it.

Hopefully now I will be able to progress a bit more. I expect there will be other hurdles, but now that I know there is someone there who will give me a hug when I ask for it, I don;t seem to need it. How odd is that.

Gosh I'm warped.

My brother is younger and doesn;t seem to have been affected in the same way as me. He was always my mums blue eyed boy.

That's another issue. I always felt he was loved and I wasn;t. He was the boy they always wanted.

He's married to a clinical psychologist so probably sorted by now anyway!

dont feel a baby about it...it is a reaction to what has happened in the past,that not being noticed when you were little,maybe not being praised when you wanted to be ....maybe no praise for exam results or achievements or birthday celebrations...or not the praise you wanted.( maybe you are now realising that you missed out and want to do a re run and have the times that we give our children so readily)

Im going to be picky here
"So now I just have to ask for what I need."

ther is a big difference between what you need and what you want. Ask for what you WANT and then you will fulfill your needs. And if you dont like something SAY SO in no uncertain terms. Always speak your mind...it will make you feel better.

I think this is true. I am getting a lot better at asking for what I want and also learning to say no.

I have spent years trying to make my mum happy and to say something nice to me.

I've never diffeentiated between needs and wants. When I'm upset and sitting in thecar crying, I feel I need a cuddle, I want a cuddle. I don;t see a difference.

It's odd that as soon as the therapist said, if you want a hug or for me to sit with you, just ask. Suddenly I'm not so desperate, because I sort of know it's there if I need it. As a child I didn't know that and often it wasn;t there when I needed it.

I am certainly more positive this evening

i see a 'want' as something you should ask for or demand and a need, as something that you believe other people should perceive. Thats my interpretation...its probably not right!

Your writing seems alot less negative..good for you.

Am having another early night as DS2 has come home with a high temp tonight and a bad cough,the computer is in his room, so i am getting the elbow.
Night

Alypaly

How is DS2 today?

Today I am quite positive. I have had a bit of a breakthrough in the last 2 days. I think I have broken a very important chain/blockage and can now move forward and really heal.

I want to thank you so so much for all your help, support and insightful comments. You will never know how much you have helped in this process.

Your boys are so lucky to have you supporting them.

I will still be posting regularly as this is going to be a long journey and there will be lows again, but for the moment I am enjoying the high!