Does anyone else regret having children?

[Zahora]

Does anyone else regret having your child? I loved my old life. My husband really wanted a child and I put it off for so long, just knowing that it's not my calling. I gave in after so many rows thinking I would adjust. It was either that or leave my husband whom I loved very much. My son is 2 years old and it has been such a lonely and desperate struggle. I feel like my wonderful life has turned upside down. I still do not feel like a mother. I look after my son full time, I even breastfed for a year, yet it just feels so ...hollow. It's not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching peppa pig- I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups - I want to have lunch with freinds. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life. Will life ever return to normal. Will my son feel that I am detached? I don't think I'm depressed. Has anyone else felt like this?

I have been searching on the web for some women that were brave enough to break the taboo of not talking about how they really feel about having children, when i found this. I have wept my way through the posts, and feel that the way I truly feel inside is the thing that i have to go with. I am nearly 35 and have never wanted kids (i knew this with certainty since i was 9!!)I am now married to an amazing man, who is caring, and loving and gentle, and wants kids.... I have never wanted kids. I think he was hoping that I would change my mind as I got older. We celebrate our 7 year anniversary (get togher)tomorrow and have been married for 2 1/2yrs. I have spent the last 3 trying to convince myself that having a child would be ok. I wouldnt loose my mind, and hate every waking moment of my life - it would work out, except I am filled with a terrible and deep sense of dread & doom about this and have been suffering from depression and feel suicidal a lot now, and really dont want to. After speaking with friend who has just had a kid and regrets it deeply, i have realised that I cant do this, and have a child to please him, and on the weekend of our anniversary I am thinking about breaking up our happy marriage, and am totally distraught and soul destroyed, but know that I am trying to do the right thing for both of us, so he can have the family he has always wanted. My thoughts are with you, and hope it gets easier.

Hi Zahora-totally empathise with what you are saying. Please don't be too hard on yourself for feeling as you do. The first few years ARE the hardest and the most isolating, especially as littluns don't seem to make friends until they're about 4. It will get better, especially when your DC starts school and you get to meet other parents. Being with toddlers is limiting in ways you probably never considered before-what I find especially irritating is the way in which motherhood is portrayed as the preserve of perfect, patient and ever-responsive women who never lose their temper and never, but NEVER stuff their DC with a cheeseburger in place of a nutritious, balanced meal. I used to find having a routine helped: I hated the "mummy" groups but used libraries, parks, telly, trains etc to help fill the time. And I ALWAYS made sure she took her full nap allocation at the same time every day. Just remember that it WILL change and as your DC gets older and develops you may well begin to miss the time you spent as once they start school, time will fly. Think it's a bit mean of your DP not to help out, though.

I am a European dad who stumbled on to these forums. I work fulltime but I have a job that makes it possible for me to be home a lot. Nearly all of the care for our three year old son is done by me and I do everything of the housekeeping. Me and my wife love our son, but if we could start over we would remain childfree, so I can relate to what you are saying (although this is a huge taboo over here). My opinion on your situation: sounds like your husband is an idiot, if I would act like that my dad would come over and kick my ass ( seriously), he's not a man.

Hi Zahora Just wanted to write and say that my DP sounds really like your DH and i have not met any others who have a similar thing- the mums i know all seem to feel their partners want them to go back to work and I should be grateful so i do understand. Mine would also like to have more children (have 2) and when he started going on about a third the other day i wnated to slap him- he so does not understand. His mother also had a big family and i feel under pressure to be a 'good mum'. He once told me that my qualifications etc did not matter (to him)..also when i needed a break when ds was a baby said 'oh mummy doesn't want you any more, poor ds'! I just wonder if he does not get it. It is like admitting to not loving it all the time is a kind of failure and an affront to him as a 'provider'.

I wonder how to move on from it too. He is also a good dad to them. Just to say as a positive, it is getting better as they get older in terms of him spending time with them not they are boys not babies they are obsessed with playing with him and leaving me to myself which is good in a way! I just go out and leave them too it at times. Am also still breastfeeding / co-sleeping ds (2)

Please PM me or write to me if you like, have never met someone whose relationship sounds the same in a controlling albeit protective sort of way

Forgive me for adding poetry here, Zahora and everyone else, but i thought these really fitted here.... I think she felt the same as you.

In The Park by Gwen Harwood

She sits in the park. Her clothes are out of date.
Two children whine and bicker, tug her skirt.
A third draws aimless patterns in the dirt
Someone she loved once passed by ? too late

to feign indifference to that casual nod.
?How nice? et cetera. ?Time holds great surprises.?
From his neat head unquestionably rises
a small balloon??but for the grace of God??

They stand a while in flickering light, rehearsing
the children?s names and birthdays. ?It?s so sweet
to hear their chatter, watch them grow and thrive, ?
she says to his departing smile. Then, nursing
the youngest child, sits staring at her feet.
To the wind she says, ?They have eaten me alive.?

Suburban Sonnet by Gwen Harwood

She practises a fugue, though it can matter
to no one now if she plays well or not.
Beside her on the floor two children chatter,
then scream and fight. She hushes them. A pot
boils over. As she rushes to the stove
too late, a wave of nausea overpowers
subject and counter-subject. Zest and love
drain out with soapy water as she scours
the crusted milk. Her veins ache. Once she played
for Rubinstein, who yawned. The children caper
round a sprung mousetrap where a mouse lies dead.
When the soft corpse won't move they seem afraid.
She comforts them; and wraps it in a paper
featuring: Tasty dishes from stale bread.

Thank you so much to all the brave people who have shared their thoughts on this thread. I have been feeling so desperate and trapped, but thought that surely I must be evil and that no other mums feel this way and regret having children. It is a relief to see that others share my feelings.

Our 5 year old DS has a learning disability. All his functions are affected. He cannot talk (although he uses many signs), his understanding is like that of a 2 year old, he is still in nappies, he throws and breaks things like an angry toddler, and he needs attention all the time. Before we had him I was so unsure about having a child. For many years I was afraid of having a baby and then this feeling distilled into a general lack of interest in children and I thought I probably did not want one. At the same time, DH desperately wanted one.

In the year 2000 I had an early miscarriage and felt a deep sense of loss - it was a very sad time. But as I started to recover I actually felt relieved, as though I had narrowly avoided something I didn't want anyway. It sounds awful to say that about a miscarriage because obviously it is a horrid and sad trauma for most women - and it was for me to start with. But there is no getting away from it - after a while I definitely felt relieved. I now can't believe that we carried on trying for a baby. How stupid was that? It took a long time to conceive this time and one evening DH told me he would be happy whether or not we had a child. I sobbed all over him in relief. Why did I not realise what that relief was telling me??? DS was born in 2006 and our lives have been irrevocably changed. DS takes most of my energy - there is very little of me left for DH or anything other than staring at the TV at the end of the day. I do love DS and absolutely want the best for him - it hurts me when he is upset. BUT - I still feel it would have been better for all concerned if he had never existed. I know that sounds evil and I feel so guilty for voicing it. But it is how I honestly feel. I developed PND when DS was 5 months old and have been taking anti-depressants ever since - as the PND merged into depression over DS's disability once that became obvious.

Most of my hopes for recovering my sanity and some kind of normal life are pinned on anticipation of when DS is at school full time and hopefully I can then work part time.

Anyway - thank you to all those who have bravely posted. It makes me realise that my feelings are not so weird. I think some of us just aren't cut out for motherhood. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. We all have our individual talents, strengths and weaknesses - it's what makes us human. But I still have lingering guilt.....

Yes.

Every day.

I love my DS to bits but if I could wind the clock back I would. I just wish I'd realised how utterly charmed my life was 'before'.

We're definitely stopping at one. Whenever I see an elderly person my first, gut thought is 'you lucky git. Your kids have grown up and left home'.

When I came home from the hospital I couldn't watch the news about the Chilean miners because I was so jealous of them getting hotel rooms etc. I crave hotel rooms!

I work full time which is a godsend but I can't wait until DS is school age and then work can be guilt free. Sometimes people look at me when I say I work full time. My worst fear is losing my job. We'd cope financially but I might well relapse back to the depression and anxiety. I hated being at home with an intensity that scared me.

People ask me if I miss him when I'm at work and I say yes but actually, I don't even think about him until it's time to dash home and get him. He is truly lovely and a very easy child, but my god. Maybe I just don't have the gene or something.

I'm sure things will change when he starts talking and doesn't need nappies, bottles etc. I hope so, anyway.

sparky; your friend is a complete idiot. If my dd wanted to make cakes at 4 in the morning I'd tell her to sod off and get some kip.Some women take this mummy martyr thing too far. Looking after small kids is tough and boring imo and sometimes they do need to learn that cakes are not to be made at 4 am!

Any time after 10 am is fine but 4 am [wtf!]

I am struggling right now too. I have a DS 9 and DD 2. I work full time and am the main breadwinner, I also work from home most of the time. My husband works 3 long days a week when I am in effect a single parent as he is not here and he looks after DD the rest of the week (wed to fri). On a Saturday my husband wants to play golf. So in effect I am in the house all the time working and then dealing with the kids with not let up. The pressure of providing for everyone and being all things to all people is huge. I feel incredibly lonely and unloved, all people want is what I can give them and I am getting tapped out emotionally and physically. Whenever I pick my daughter up from the child minder on a mon or tues it is constant tantrums, screaming etc., my son just wants to do what he wants and silks when I give him chores, trying to be successful at work and be a good mum and wife, nightmare, we have little support from family or friends and I feel very lonely a lot of the time.

I fight wit my husband a lot about balance of responsibilities he does do childcare, housework etc., but I do to plus have a huge pressure in my job.

It is just the tantrums I can not deal with it makes me want to run away, all my DD wants is me, with me she gurns all day but wit everyone else is an angel I feel like walking out sometime, and long for trips away with work to escape

I just wanted to thankyou all on your honesty and bravery talking about such a taboo subject - I am lucky enough to lovie being a mum and initiallly read this thread ready to judge but have left it understanding just how difficult the battles you all face every day have been - wow my hat goes off to you all that you haven't just given in - that takes a strength and determination that should not be forgotten - thankyou all for sharing this

This thread is fascinating and enlightening. I don?t have children and am not maternal (I am a caring person and adore my nephews!). I?m often made to feel v odd because of my lack of maternal feelings. To me, the sound of a baby crying is like nails down a blackboard. I thought I was ambivalent, but if I'm really true to myself, I actually don't want children at all, ever. I wonder if this has something to do with my mother advising me to ?never have children, they ruin your life?. Charming.

I hope that things get better for all the mums on here that are unhappy. I think its human nature to want what we don't have! Thanks to everybody for being so honest.

Thank you everyone for being so honest! We don't have children yet, but am coming to the point that because of my age, it may soon be too late. I haven't been trying to get pregnant because I have always had so many doubts, I have often suffered from depression and have many pets too, that I already struggle to look after. I have decided that, maybe for me, children would be too difficult.

Sorry I am not being much help to those who are struggling - I really feel for you and wish you all the best, the only help I could recommend is Cognitive Therapy, which for helping me cope with life and my depression has been really good, I can't afford a therapist, but the books by Dr David Burns have been fantastic, also Paul Mckenna CDs - they can't change the circumstances of your life, but help you cope with life.

Wow, it's so good to read this thread. I feel for you all who cannot come to terms with their choice to have children. It is such a taboo to even consider not to have them that I fully understand why you decided to go for it. But you can only find out how it is for you when you have them, so don't ever blame yourself, just try to make the most of it for your kids and try to find time for you.
My story is a bit different. I have a husband who is 10 years younger than I am and we started talking about having a child when we met and I was 37. I never really had the strong feeling I wanted to become a mother. I have 4 older sisters and many friends who all have children, so during the years I have baby sitted many and seen so much of what it all entitles. So I always doubted if this was good for me. I have always had a good career, travelled the world, partied a lot, love my own time. But with a husband who is 10 years younger I started to think this might be a good thing to do to have a child. He wanted it, but not so strong as to stop smoking for instance, so that made me frustrated, because we had to go through a hospital procedure when it turned out his seed wasn't the best. I stopped smoking, had 5 years of treatments on and off, which made me very unstable due to hormones, miscarriages, operations etc. He just lived his live..
At 42 years old the hospital told us to stop treatments, so I felt completely relieved in some way that I tried, wouldn't regret not trying and it didn't work out for us. So we made plans for the future without kids and he was fine with this. Than...I became naturally pregnant at 44! I was panicking, couldn't feel good about this pregnancy, felt too old, not capable of doing this anymore. Everyone told me I look so young and that it would be ok and I would be a good mum. But I didn't feel that way, I became depressed, slept all day, wouldn't see anyone.
My husband wanted to keep the baby, but I just couldn't connect with the feeling I was becoming a mum. He said I was negative and should focus on all the good things it would bring to our life. He also said that the first two years would really be my responsibility because he was too busy in his job...at 44 I was afraid I couldn't find the energy anymore, no way! I also thought of being 50 and have a 5 year old, 60 and have a teenager in the house, holidays with one child bored next to us or having to bring somebody else their kid on our holiday to make it nice for the kid...
I come from a large family and all I could think of is that this wasn't what I envisioned to be my life and also not for the child. And after months of thinking decided to end the pregnancy...It was sheer horror, hell, something you do not wish your worst enemy to go through. Especially since my husband dropped me of at the hospital and left me alone to go through the procedure and started calling me that he was crying when it was too late..it was so painful.
But now the good thing. I feel very relieved that I took this decision and trusted my own feelings. It is difficult now with my husband, but he seems to understand my decision. For him it is so different, he has no friends with babies, hasn't seen what I saw what they go through. That is how many people start with kids, very naive, no idea what they are getting into.
There is such a social pressure everywhere that having kids is magical and the best thing there is in life. Think of my parents in law who didn't sleep for weeks because of my doubts..my mum understood me and was a great support.
We are planning a holiday now to Asia to have a relaxing time and I'm slowly starting back to work again. I have no regrets fortunately, although I still feel guilt about breaking off a healthy pregnancy. I wish you mothers lot's of support, it really does get better, I see this with all my friends. And start working again, it's so important to have your own life, also for the kids! I also wrote this for all the women who are in doubt, please realize what you want before you become pregnant. I never thought I would become pregnant anymore but I did and to take that decision is heart breaking. I do blame myself for this.

I can't believe how many people on here sound like me. This is the first time I've ever written. I thought I was a freak but am starting to feel that am not the only one. I'm a SAHM to my son who's nearly 3 and I feel that all the passion, drive, energy, intelligence etc. has been wiped out of me. I didn'e intend t be a SAHM but it has ended up this way. I love my son but find him so hard to be around all day every day. My husband leaves for work at 7.30am and comes home at 5.50pm - those 10 hours in between are relentless, mindnumbing and lonely. My son is prone to aggressive behaviour and has lashed out at other children over the past year or so, drawing blood so we are not exactly flavour of the month with the perfect mummies - even though I have brought him up not to do that. I just feel worn out with him and the constant hitting, biting, scramming, headbutting and shouting. I long for real intelligent adult conversations and to have self esteem again - and to pee in peace!

If Sadglitter ever comes back to this thread I would love to know how things are going. I am in a similar situation but at an earlier stage - been together 3 years, not married yet. He has always wanted kids, I never ever have. Really don't know what to do. Everything is perfect apart from that one massive sticking point.

My sympathies to all the mums who are struggling - this makes awfully sad reading.

What a fantastic, brave thread. I searched for 'resentful of husband' and so glad I've read these posts. We have a six month old dd. I never wanted children however my dh did. I guess I was scared of losing him and I talked myself into it but when we were ttc, I was so happy when I got my periods. Pregnancy was good and thankfully our baby is well.

I have struggled with my feelings; trying to be happy about this dd but my life has utterly changed. In the meantime, dh career on upward trajectory, he has more responsibilities, travels more and salary has increased- he can easily support us. So what's the issue? I'm minding baby pretty much on my own even though he wanted the family. He blethers on about all these fantastic things happening at work which ultimately means he won't have the time(read: will be too important) to share the nursery pick ups and drop offs which he agreed to for when I go back to work in Feb. My work won't bring in pin money either- my earnings are not far off what he makes- but it's clear to me what life will be like. Actually, I'm starting to hate him. We had a great life and I felt nothing was missing- I loved life. Did he have to prove his virility? He loves dd very much and it's lovely seeing them together but I'd be jolly with her too if I only saw her at the end of the day and didn't have the rest of the mind numbing shit to deal with.

What is so wonderful about this thread is the bravery of us discussing something so taboo. In these days of low fertility rates and couples getting into massive debts for ivf, you're made to feel like a mad woman because you're lucky to have a baby. I am the eldest of a very large family and that put me off kids- my Mother was so beat down and angry all the time. Especially so because she was pretty smart but had to marry because she was pregnant and my Father was a complete dick. Anyway, the upshot is that I will be going back to work full time for my sanity and there wlll be no more babies. Not that we have much of a sex life these days anyway ;-)

Oh and I will add that I have gone from not wanting to lose my dh to actually not being that bothered about him anymore.

A big shout out to all the brave people who have posted on this thread, discussing this very taboo subject. I wanted to add my penneth if you don't mind?

I never wanted kids. I was THE most non maternal person ever. Had a great DH, a fantastic social life, holidays whenever we wanted, not rich but not wanting either,loved my niece and nephew but knew that deep down I could not be a mum. I had neither the patience, genes, interest, commitment, need or want. I was basically too self centered.

In 2007 I fell pregnant accidentally. At that time, for other reasons I was suffering from depression. I thought that having the baby would "fix" me. And (this will sound incredibly stupid) I never thought about the fact that at the end of the pregnancy, an actual baby would be there that needed to be looked after (told you!).

Pregnancy was fine, birth was horrendous. 4th Degree tear, several operations, I was not in a good place. I absolutely hated it. Hated everything. For 4 whole years I despised my life. Missed my old life with SUCH a strong yearning. I was angry that I couldn't do such a simple thing as "go for a coffee". Every single aspect of my life was changed and there wasn't a single thing I could do about it, I was stuck.

I tried, God knows how I tried. And even though I could say I "loved" my son I certainly didn't feel it. Never had that "thunderbolt" moment. Thought I was THE worst person in the world. Sure my son was fed, washed, played with, hugged but it all felt under protest of sorts, like I was living an utter lie. I detested this lifestyle more than I can express. I felt a raging jealousy at anyone who didn't have kids or, as a previous poster said, envious of those that had, but they'd left home! I used to think "Right he's 2 now...that gives me another set of 8x2 years till he's 18...."

And then. Out of NOWHERE something happened. It wasn't a momentous thing like him walking or being cute. He had been trying to reach the light pull in the toilet for ages and finally managed it. He was elated, so was I and I swung him around the room. He put his arms around my legs and said "I love you Mummy". WELL. That was it. I was in bits. I cried my heart out and held him so tightly. It was like I was looking at him for THE first time. I thought "OH.MY.GOD. I love you...like ACTUALLY love you...I FEEL it....I made you (!) you're MINE". And he gave me a smile that said "I knew you'd feel it eventually" I cannot tell you how much this has changed me.

So I wanted to let you know that it can happen, when you're not searching for it. And let me tell you, people who are brave enough to admit this probably try even HARDER to be a good mum. We are not devils, or awful people, we are who we are and we do the best we can. It doesn't come naturally to all of us, it doesn't make it/us wrong, just different. All the very best to you all.

Oh Shakey your post has had me in tears.

There was a thread a while back, about that "instant" feeling of love and if you'd felt it or not.

I was one of those who didn't (i wasn't alone).

However, it's the love she shows me that amazes me every day, and i did have a 'big bang' moment. I also think it's the mum's who worry that they're not doing it 'right' that are probably some of the best.

We live in such a child-centered society, it's easy to feel like your irrelevant.
We give our children life, but we don't owe them ours.

I think you are all very brave in being so frank.

Shakey.....I have just burst in to tears reading your post. What an amazing moment that must have been for you after the awful way you were feeling. The honesty in your post...I admire it. What a wonderful moment.

I wanted to add before I read Shakey's post & cried....our DS was very much planned. I love being a mummy very much but I used to get flickers of how easy/carefree etc my old life used to be. But what changed all that for me...was gaining control over it. I now work 2 mornings at a weekend..it allows 'me time'.. independence etc which I used to have.
I have embraced this new life. You will find what helps/works for you & as a family to ease these feelings.

Ooops for being emotional but hopefully in a good way! Trust me, I'm still NOT maternal per se, you will never find me making chutney in the kitchen or willingly sewing things but it DOES get better as they get older. I think maybe we're just not cut out to interact with babies. But as my ds gets older and I can actually converse with him and not have as many eyes in the back of my head, then you relax the shoulders a bit more. Work and hobbies are a big help in reliving (albeit) briefly a teeny bit of an "old" life.

I distinctly remember during the sleep deprivation stage that I (how crazy is this) would relish the theme tunes of Cbeebies programmes where because my ds was entranced, I could close my eyes for 20 or so seconds!

I so could have written this thread a couple of years ago but certainly the olde phrase "This too, shall pass" is VERY true and it was something I clung on to desperately for years. I'll never be perfect, but I will do what I can within MY capabilities.

Maybe I should repost in the teenage years..hmmmm. A big un-mumsnetty squeeze for all that need it. I will nod my head in complete understanding, never judge and hopefully this taboo will lessen over the years.

Another wonderful post by shakey... Things you say I can really relate to.