Does anyone else regret having children?

[Zahora]

Does anyone else regret having your child? I loved my old life. My husband really wanted a child and I put it off for so long, just knowing that it's not my calling. I gave in after so many rows thinking I would adjust. It was either that or leave my husband whom I loved very much. My son is 2 years old and it has been such a lonely and desperate struggle. I feel like my wonderful life has turned upside down. I still do not feel like a mother. I look after my son full time, I even breastfed for a year, yet it just feels so ...hollow. It's not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching peppa pig- I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups - I want to have lunch with freinds. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life. Will life ever return to normal. Will my son feel that I am detached? I don't think I'm depressed. Has anyone else felt like this?

i will never be perfect but will do what I can with MY capabilities.....this sums it up for me.

You know, I feel for you. However, I really don't think you should dwell on the 'stalling having children' issue. I always wanted to have children. I dearly love children. However, when my first was born, I had the shock of my life. I literally felt like my life had ended, and 'grieved' the sense of identity that my career, care-free life gave me. It is tough. People should tell you more! Women should be really honest. I actually felt angry with my girlie friends - because I felt having kids should come with a statutory warning...'alert, having a baby can seriously wreck your life'. It took me until she was three to bond with her properly. Anyone who knew me would tell you, on the surface, I was a doting mother - she was very well cared for. However, I was on auto-pilot, doing things very much from a sense of duty, and also trying to keep up with the antenatal competition. However, let me also tell you this.... it took a while, but I can tell you that I did get that moment of falling totally in love with her, and when that happened, for the first time I understood what all those doting mothers were talking about. She is nearly 8 now, and I am still totally in love with her. I've had another since, and am besotted. So,,,, hang on in there. Just wait until you can have some more grown up conversations with them, and you will discover that you learn so much from your children.... and these are treasures that you would have missed if you hadn't had your child. This is the blessing of having children.

Haven't read what other people have said, but looking after a 2 year old IS boring, Peppa Pig is awful, toddler groups - horrid. I hated that phase so much and never had time to read a book or do what I wanted. But it does get so much better! I have fun with my DC now (5 and 8) and have a social life.

I know this post was started a long time ago and I am curious to see how the moms are feeling today? I also have a question. It seems that many of the moms have more than one child. Did you not like being a mom when you only had one child, and if so, what made you decide to have another? Or did you enjoy being a mom to one, but now dislike having more than one child?

I am very interested to know. I currently have a 2 year old son and LOVE being his mom and he is amazing. I don't have a desire for more kids except to give him a sibling, but I'm worried if we do have another child if my feelings on being a mom would change? I love just having one on one time with him and so many things are finally getting easier, I'm worried about "rocking the boat". Thx!

My first three years with my dd were not easy, I had pnd and she was (and still is) a little madam. So that did not make for a good combination nor did it endear the whole concept of motherhood to me. But I still went on to have another, something to do with having no siblings that completely share the same gene pool as me and being very lonely for the first nine years of my life with no siblings.
I had DS when DD had just turned three and while it still was by no means perfect, the second time round, it just seemed easier. And tempermentally he is a different kettle of fish to DD.
I like having two children, even if the fighting can be wearing at times but there is no way on earth I would have a third despite what the hormones say.

Thank you for this thread, people.

Most of what you said could have been written by me. I don't have children, I've never wanted them, never thought I'd even consider having them one day. The only item on my "pro" list at the moment is the fact that my husband might want them (although "want" is probably not the right word...he's definitely more open to the idea than I am, but I'm not sure I'd call it "want", iyswim.)

It's been very helpful, to see myself in what you've written. It's good to see there are people out there who "get it". Funnily enough, I think it even made me a bit more relaxed about the whole idea of having a kid one day. It made me think "I'm not alone now, maybe I wouldn't be alone after either, maybe I'd find the support I need, maybe I have it in me to not only cope but also find a way to enjoy it."

Thank you again, and all the best.

Hi, I am soon to be a mum, and this thread is completely terrifying. I never wanted kids. I am 38 and fell pregnant last year (not planned). My hubby has always wanted kids, whereas me - I was an absolute 'no way', for all the reasons outlined above. We knew this about eachother when we got married. We talked about it a few times and I suppose I always had the attitude of 'if it happens, I'll roll with it then', really thinking it never would (I watch my ovulations, well used to, carefully)...and now here i am.

I think my marriage would not have survived had I had a terminnation. Now I wonder if it will survive me having a child. I in no way blame this little baby, its just I really have never wanted to be a mum, simple as that. I am trying hard to get excited, but its just not there. I have been seeing a counselor throughout the entire pregnancy...I have had some terrible thoughts. Even now, with less than 10weeks of freedom left, I am wondering if I should run away and have the bub given up for adoption. (I was adopted too, so I dont feel guilt about this as such). Reading this post has confirmed my worst fears.

I have had a great life over the last 5 years, Ive worked so friggin hard for what I have now, and thought of giving it all up may be considered selfish to some, but for me its reality.

Will it be OK? Will I be OK?

jac73, it is great that you are thinking about all this now because you will be all the more prepared, but try not to worry so much! You can be a mum YOUR way, you don't have to fit into any stereotype. Life will change but it can still be lots of fun if you let it. What things are you worrying about giving up? You can take a baby with you out for lunch, to galleries for eg. After a few months you can get a babysitter and go out in the evening. You can go back to work if you want to. It is a big big change but it would be boring if life just stayed the same no? Better to embrace new things. And if you don't like the baby stage (I loved it, but lots of people don't) there will be a later stage that you will love. All the best of luck xxx

jac73:

YES, you will be ok!

Having a child isn't the end of your life as you know it. You will get an addition to your life, but it is up to you how much you want to change your whole life. The first few weeks will be knackering and intense but then you can make your own decision how hands-on you want to be.

I haven't read the whole 5 pages, but immediately noticed the OP who didn't enjoy her boy was a SAHM exclusively breastfeeding the child for a long time etc. and at the same time hating it...? Well, I hope she managed to create more balance in her life then... why didn't she try and get a part/full time job, why stay at home then and doing it all?

And it isn't about being a "perfect" Mum, it is about being the best Mum you can be, and that could mean a thousand things. And no-one expects you to become "excited"... maybe you don't get excited about being pregnant? So what!?

If you have worked hard for the life you have now you have the strength to build a great life for you, that includes a child, but doesn't have to be totally centered around the child. Also, you have a husband who was keen on having a child - get him to be a hands-on Dad!

It's your choice!

Good luck!

jac73: You'll be alright, I promise! I was the same age as you when preggers, and had the same sort of feelings as you, right up until the baby was a few days old. After a few days I discovered that my baby was actually quite a dude and I've surprised myself by having a bloody good laugh with her most of the time. I don't pretend to make organic home-made baby food or try to be a Power Mum (in fact the very word 'Mum' still sounds weird to me), but there's a lot of laughter in my house.

Biggest bit of advice: don't start comparing yourself to other Mums. Most of 'em are bluffing and pedalling like mad because they're trying and failing to be Perfect Mums. Be really nice to yourself. Your baby is going to think you're the coolest person on the planet btw.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Hi, thank you all for the replies..I just gave long winded reply and my session timed out when I hit preview!!

But basically I just want to say thanks, I have really felt ashamed about how Ive been feeling and havent really really been able to talk to anyone, friends, family (not even my counselor knows how bad Ive really been feeling).

Its 2.30 in the morning here (Aus) so Im going to stop for now and try to get back to sleep while I still can :-).

Thanks again, I will stay in touch

I can really relate to this thread. I wanted children for a long time, lost a pregnancy in the 2nd tri and didn't get pregnant again for 2 years - I was nearly 40 by the time DS was born. Despite being so wanted, it was still a massive shock. I immediately regretted it and those feelings still haven't waned completely, although going back to work has greatly lessened them.

I've felt all of the feelings mentioned on here over the last 2 years but I must say things are a lot better since my job improved - I've been back at work a year and am really into the swing of it again now. I still find DS very hard work though and am hopeless on the one day we have together and can't wait for bedtime - and feel guilty about that - horrendous!

One thing I will say is that it has improved incrementally more and more as time has gone on. I suspect that this will only continue as he gets older.

I'm also lucky enough to have 2 sets of very helpful grandparents. Without them, things would have been/would be a lot more difficult. We've managed to get away for weekends several times over the last couple of years and that has literally saved my life.

What an excellent thread.

Hi protect: I suppose thats one of my biggest concerns, i dont really have an immediate network of people I could leave a child with so I can take off by myself or with my hub' for a few hours, let alone a few days. Apart from joining a mothers group of some sort and trying to make friends with women besotted with their kids I dont have many options. Most all of my friends live far away. I really dont know how I am going to react to having another person so constantly dependant on me and continously in my space...but like Cartman12, I may just suprise myself (I REALLY hope so). I am planning on going back to work within 5 months...it will be virtually pointless pay-wise with childcare, but at least I will still have a life of my own of sorts.

jac73 what protect says is so true, as the years roll by it gets easier.

But look, this is all ^assuming* that you will find it difficult. I would truly hate to think of you there, pregnant and panicking about something you may or may not experience. Relax. It will be what it will be for you and everyones experience is different. Please don't add undue pressure on yourself.

On the plus side, it's fantastic that women are now talking about this and, if nothing else, if you do experience all the feelings/situations that you fear you will KNOW that you are not alone in your thoughts. And that there is a whole network of people who, for years, were too afraid to speak out who will help you every step of the way. No matter how isolated, lonely, sad, angry or resentful you feel. That's what I love about this thread. A place where we can be supportive of each other and not be afraid to say the very things we think people will think badly of us.

I sincerely wish you a happy, healthy pregnancy. Here if you need anything.

Jac - is it possible to start building up some networks now, meet some other pregnant mums? Also you could start thinking about how to make the newborn stage as easy as possible - freeze lots of meals, get some easy watching DVDs in etc. Sorry if I'm stating the obvious! And like Shakey says, you might surprise yourself and enjoy it, you just don't know.

Ophelia275 Does your husband know how you feel? What's behind his reluctance to do anything with him do you think?

I remember my sister umming and ahhing about having a second child as she didn't think she'd love another as much as her first.

So sorry you're feeling like this, is there someone in RL you can talk to etc? Anything we can do here? How are you today?

As an aside for anyone still watching this thread, a quote of mine on this subject is being used in Denise Van Outens new book. She asked (on Twitter) for experiences on bonding etc so gave a potted version of what I'd written on this thread, and to my surprise, it's being included. Great news for this subject being highlighted.

I quite often regret having them, i would not change them for the world and i love them to bits but i often wish i had never had children and stayed free and single, would have loved to have traveled. I miss being able to go out and do rendom things (without having to plan). If i had my time again i would not have children or got married .

Marne I can totally relate to how you feel. I get insanely jealous when child free friends/aquaintances mention how they're dropping everything to go here there and everywhere.

ophelia It can be so hard finding the "right" professional to talk to, ref counselling etc. I gave up years ago! How old are your boys?

I suppose for all of us, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. But I really understand that those kind of platitudes carry little weight at the moment. Even as I type it I'm thinking through gritted teeth "Well, that's as maybe but I.DON'T. WANT.TO HEAR.IT.JUST.NOW.THANKS.VERY.MUCH"

Shakey, thanks for the reply. I read your post from ages ago (where DS reached the light switch) and it was the one post that actually gave me more than a glimmer of positivity (it actually made me laugh). Thanks for that.

Thanks too SLL, I must somehow try to build up networks - just a bit hard at the mo' still working FT and dont want to stop...spoke with my supervisor yesterday and not sure what I will be in for when I return. As he said - your life is going to be so much different. Ggrrrr - its already happening - the assumptions with being a mum. Oh well, I did know what I was in for.

i have 2 girls aged 5 and 6.I regretted having them to the point that they now stay with their dad in scotland and i stay in Wales.I had kids for the wrong reasons, i was never maternal in any way but was told that when it's your own, things will be different.How wrong they were!!!I don't think all women are cut out for parenthood i certainly am not,but i hate being made to feel guilty about it.

I don't regret having dd but I do find motherhood incredibly tough. I regret the circumstances of her birth as I am a single mum and would dearly love more support. I just wish I could have a nanny to do all the shit drudgery and then I could just enjoy the fun bits instead of doing it all. Noone is honest about how tough being a parent is; that is half the problem imo.