Does anyone else regret having children?

[Zahora]

Does anyone else regret having your child? I loved my old life. My husband really wanted a child and I put it off for so long, just knowing that it's not my calling. I gave in after so many rows thinking I would adjust. It was either that or leave my husband whom I loved very much. My son is 2 years old and it has been such a lonely and desperate struggle. I feel like my wonderful life has turned upside down. I still do not feel like a mother. I look after my son full time, I even breastfed for a year, yet it just feels so ...hollow. It's not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching peppa pig- I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups - I want to have lunch with freinds. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life. Will life ever return to normal. Will my son feel that I am detached? I don't think I'm depressed. Has anyone else felt like this?

Thank you, OldTimer. Your post has given me hope :) xxx

Old post but I had to join in.
I regret having my baby when I did. She's a fantastic toddler aged 18 months old, she's well behaved for someone so small, very clever, good tempered, but I had her at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons.

I was only 20. Her dad, my 'D'P, was 22. I moved in with him at 18 to escape a sexually physically and emotionally abusive dad and a mum who pushed me to take on the adult responsibilities so she didn't have to deal with my dad. All his siblings, his father, his father's siblings did the same to me, it's like a family culture. I repressed it all with DID (multiple personality disorder), multiple breakdowns since 16, went completely off the deep end when I moved out, then got pregnant having been told I was infertile.

My DP blamed me for having an online affair when pregnant/when the baby was 6 month. He still uses that to tell me I'm a bad person or not doing enough. What he still doesn't get is that it wasn't just an affair, the man was a paedophile who groomed me from age 15, I didn't know how to stop him when he started hounding me over email again, though I know now.

My DP was the one who wanted kids but I'm stuck as a SAHM. I've never been stable enough to hold down a job and now I don't know if I ever will be able to, who would employ me? I'm in therapy and doing so much better but it just makes it more obvious how controlling, immature and avoidant my DP is and how toxic our relationship is. He's a nice person, I get on with him well but we got together for the wrong reasons. I'm not even attracted to him. I'm stuck cleaning up everyone else's messes all day long, hating it, hating not being able to do anything without someone wrecking it. My DP says only a few years until she can talk/wipe her own bum/go to school and life will go back to normal. I don't WANT it to go back to normal! I have NEVER had a good time in my life. It seems like I never will. We are on benefits though he works 45 hours a week, I have no prospects, and stuck in this is a gorgeous sweet little girl.

I regret being born, forget about giving birth to someone else.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/breaking-taboo-parents-who-regret-having-children

I so regret my decision and nothing is making any difference. The body now ruined with stretch marks, tits like tea-bags and varicose veins, the indifference of my husband, the lack of money/sleep/social life/sex; nothing is getting any better. Had I known how much I had to give up to be a parent I never, ever would have done it. I'm brain dead and don't have a life. I'm so bored, so tired, so fed-up, so angry at my stupidity. Ah well, only 10 years or so to go and then I'll be free of this stone around my neck and can then finally breath. I'd give anything to have my old life back but no-one tells you the down side of parenting do they until its too late. I love my son but I hate parenting. Were there a way to buy them age 18, house trained, polite and over all the mess, I'd do it but as it is I just have to put up and shut up and try not to let it get to me. One thing though; were I stuck in a lift, lost in space or shipwrecked, I'd want another parent by my side because unless you've cleaned up puke at the bottom of the bed at three in the morning and then done it again twenty minutes later, you haven't grown up.

Just your post Rixera. I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through. Please get some some support to help you process what has happened to you.

You have something to offer the world - everyone does.

There is certainly a lot of pressure to have kids if you are a woman, especially once you reach 30. People don't seem to understand that someone might choose not to, I think it's still seen as a bit odd. I think this leads to a lot of unhappiness as people are pressured into it to some extent by family/friends/partners.

to everyone having a hard time. I hope you have/find some support IRL as well.

Hi, I first wrote to the thread in 2014. Still feel the same way: regret. Love my kids, but regret being a parent.

My question is simply this:

Is there anyone that truly felt like this during parenthood, and is now feeling better, that can offer any advice, insight, comfort???

Been in counseling and on meds... Doesn't help.

I'm really sorry to hear those who are unhappy.

One question I have for you, is about how you were before having children? Were you really happy?

I was happy. What I wasn't happy with, I changed. There's a lot you can change in life.

Being a parent, when it makes you depressed and hate yourself, is not easy to change.

Any advice is appreciated. How did you deal with, cope with that regret???

My advice would be to try to accept the situation you are in and commit to making changes that move you towards your goals. Some things you can change and some you can't. Dwelling on something you can't change will just erode your life and mental health. Regret is like bitterness, it only poisons yourself.

I do bit have struggled to find people with older children that feel the same, often it's women with very young children expressing regret and then it's put down to pnd.

My children are 7 and 12 and I absolutely should not have had them. I try my best but to be honest it isn't good enough.

The only way I manage to deal with my feelings is by taking anti depressants, definitely takes the edge off but the regret doesn't ever go away.

Thank Msrisotto, yes, "acceptance" is what my psychiatrist advised as well... In fact, she almost literally said to me what you wrote.

It just seems like a generic approach one can use for anything. And, believe me, I tried accepting it long and hard...

I'm not deliberately dwelling on my situation and how bad I think it is. The situation just makes me feel horrible. If I accept it or not, it still does that.

Sorry we're not giving an answer you're happy with. There is no good answer. It's ok to have a moan to strangers about it. I'd recommend psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy if you want to explore it more.

I never really wanted children- they seemed too messy, noisy and restrictive. Then I had one and now I hate my life. There's 0 spontaneity in my life, I haven't had a dinner without there being a back drop of a screaming child in 3 months and I'm miserable.

I feel like all the stories I was told about it being magical and the most rewarding thing ever was a total lie or I'm abnormal and have something missing in me.

I keep trying to find like minded people but it just reinforces the notion that I am some kind of monster. I have tried speaking to my husband about how I feel but he doesn't understand he thinks I'm just blowing off steam in the moment when I say that I think he and my daughter would be better off without me.

I just can't do it. I hate the fact that I can't do anything without military planning weeks in advance, I hate never being on my own. I hate that I had to give up more or less everything and now I feel like I'm laying my identity down too.

I cry all the time and I hate the way I look. I feel like all I do is feel miserable

Your not alone my partner just left me after 4 years of him emotionally and physically abusing me i never wanted children and he told me all the lies he loved me and wanted to marry me and never wanted kids with anyone but me. I feel into deep PND after my first born i had a very traumatic labour which ended in c section under a general and he was never supportive just getting drunk and telling me he knew i wasnt cut out to give birth and that i wasnt feeding the baby right, which pushed me deeper now im 7 months pregnant with our second and he left 4 weeks ago telling me he didnt love me and that he couldnt take my rage and have me lash out at him anymore!! hes moved in with someone else and told me tonight that they might be starting a relationship - its only been a few weeks :( he hasnt seen our son in over a month he made plans to come down then because i wouldnt take him to the meet point or go to lunch with them he cancelled on our boy. this new tart has a son with my ex's mate (sick) and im fuming - i love my son and i did bond but i regret having him so much as if i hadnt i could have made a clean break away from this mess and fixed myself now i have to have this spiteful lying narcissist in my life hes telling everyone who will listen that me and the ex before me are bipolar and beat him up all the time and this new girl is so wonderful he hasnt even had a drink in 2 weeks...ive found my self wishing not to have this baby now and wished id gone through with the abortions i went for (4 times with my first and once with this one) but he swayed me and told me no matter what happened we would work it out cos i was the love of his life and he only ever saw a family with me in it. now i cant even look at my son and the when the baby moves im sick to my stomach. i regret having my children and would do anything to turn back the clock. I feel awful saying it and like im a bad mum...i refuse to hand them over to him so she can raise them with him though...id rather die then let him get anywhere near them...yet i do wish i never had them :,(

Just to say all new mums out there....my husband this is his 2nd marriage....was married at 20 1st time round he and his wife had a son and she suffered badly with post natal depression due to breast feeding issues. She took her own life and the son was handed over to her parents....my husband was deemed to young to have him and his mother and father deemed to old. My husband although a lovely man now finds it very difficult to show his feelings. ....sorry all I want to say is that if any new mums out there feel they may be suffering with post natal depression please get some help ....speak to family...go to the doctors etc....I sooo wish everyday that my husbands 1st wife had done so...

The SAHM lifestyle certainly isn't for everyone. And you shouldn't feel guilty for not enjoying it. Explore options that people have suggested. Hope you feel better soon.

It's almost been SIX years since I posted my story on this very thread. Just thought I'd add an update for anyone interested.

As a quick backstory- I was in despair, completely related to this thread. Had my thunderbolt moment when DS was 4 ish.

So, he's ten now The platitudes work. The "this too shall pass" is true. Fake it till you make it works as well.

I just want to give a little hope really? DS and I laughed today as there's a project at school where he has to make " a mountain". WELL. We'd cobbled together some cardboard and whatnot, did what we could with sellotape, glue. Fiddled and faffed. And, as we are both completely inept when it comes to anything arty/crafty, it does indeed, look like a shower of shite despite our best efforts.

It was a lovely moment. Among many lovely moments. Mixed with frustrating moments, angry moments, crying moments, exasperated moments, wishful moments, fearful moments. But you know, it's OK. It's all OK. The feelings of regret passed for me. Not saying it will be the same for everyone but for those thinking "Fuck. Can it ever get better???"

Yes. Yes it can. Hugs for anyone that needs them

Lastminute I'm in the position you were in. I'm 35 and my fella is 48. He has 3 children, 24, 22, and 15. The 15 year old lad lives with us and I love being a mum to him. But he's an adult kid if you know what I mean, so I can speak to him and hold a conversation. I also have two step grand kid girls of 4 years and 6 months. I've always been a step parent and never really wanted kids, until I met my fella. I love him with all my heart and he does too. He's amazing, lovely, supportive, my rock. We have a great relationship. But 2 years ago I decided having a baby would be lovely with him. I've never felt maternal, never loved being with kids. I don't mind them, but find them noisy and draining. But my biological clock was ticking, and my fella being the age he is, I knew its now or never. He agreed to have a baby with me, but kept saying how he thought he wouldn't be able to due to his age and meds he's on which a side effect is a low sperm count. We tried for a year and nothing. So I suggested we get some help. He said he'd give a sample for a sperm count, but didn't seem keen. The whole time we're trying too, he was going through a custody battle for his son (who he'd primarily looked after and they both desperately wanted to be with each other) and the divorce from hell. I'd actually come to the conclusion that I didn't desperately want children that bad, that I think I wanted a child with him because I felt it would connect us together in a way nothing else would. That for some reason we'd been through so much with his ex, this was me showing people how happy we are together, that we've made a baby together and live happily ever after.
So guess what? Boom, I fell pregnant! Initially on the day I found out I had no emotion. No happy or sad feeling, just, ok, I'm pregnant. Then on day two I had my doubts. Then day 3, wow. I'm so depressed. Thinking, what have I done??? I wanted this, fantasized about it once we started trying, had this romantic idea of how things would be.... happily ever after. I'm crying all the time. I wake up and don't want it, then in the afternoon I think, May be it'll work and be ok. We both have career jobs, but as much as he says he will help when he's home, it's me who will have to take 6 months off work. He said he won't do the split maternity as he retires from his job in 18 months and doesn't want to spend those last days at home looking after baby full time while I work. I understand that.
Every day I wake up and cry, I don't want this, I want everything to go back to the way it was. I've never been maternal, hate noise, love my sleep, love the freedom my life gives. I very quickly loose my temper over things, including the pets. I suffer from anxiety when my fella goes to work and leaves me with his 15 year old on nights. I feel physically sick when it's all on me. I can't take the feeling. How would I cope with a baby!!! I have pets too that take a lot of my time up and I love that. A baby would ruin everything about my life now. It's bazar it takes me to get pregnant to actually realise what I want.
I am booked in for a consultation in a week to discuss a termination. My fella can't believe we're here after I was the one who wanted to try for a baby.I can't believe it either.
What I want to know lastminute and any others who terminated at an older age, do you regret a termination knowing this is your last chance at motherhood? I don't want a baby now, but in 10, 20 years time, will i regret not having that adult child?
My heads so confused right now. I just know I can't take this feeling anymore, and I actually wish every day I would naturally miscarry so the decision is taken from me. I know that's a horrible thought, especially for people who are really trying. But I just can't settle with the thought of being a mum. I'm almost 8 weeks now. I'm also scared of the termination procedure. I don't know what to do!! Any advise from others in similar situations or from those of you like me, but chose to have you baby would be much appreciated.

Sorry not read whole thread. My friend felt like this and is so much happier in full time work. Has the right balance for her

I'm 37, my DC is almost 19 years old. I met a wonderful man 5 years ago and he wanted children. I thought that maybe I'd come around to the idea of having another even though I knew deep down I hated motherhood and just wanted to live the rest of my life for me.

I knew I had to either lose him or agree to start a family. I convinced myself I wanted a child with him. Fell pregnant soon after 'trying'. I've tried to be happy about it, but the in the last 3 weeks I have not left my house and I am severely depressed knowing that I've made a monumental mistake.

Reading this thread has given me the strength to take back the control in my life. Love is not enough to make me give up my freedom and to sacrifice my true calling just to satisfy somebody else. I can't continue with this pregnancy, it will all be over next week and I can then plan the rest of my life as a childfree woman.
This thread has saved me from a life I knew I never really wanted. And I'll be forever grateful

@snowbake much strength to you

@Kittiekat1 I’m just wondering what you decided to do in the end? I’m at a point in my life a now or never situation... hope whatever you decided it turned out ok...

I'm also wondering about the many brave, honest posters on this thread, and how you are all doing? Sending much love to you all.