Does anyone else regret having children?

[Zahora]

Does anyone else regret having your child? I loved my old life. My husband really wanted a child and I put it off for so long, just knowing that it's not my calling. I gave in after so many rows thinking I would adjust. It was either that or leave my husband whom I loved very much. My son is 2 years old and it has been such a lonely and desperate struggle. I feel like my wonderful life has turned upside down. I still do not feel like a mother. I look after my son full time, I even breastfed for a year, yet it just feels so ...hollow. It's not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching peppa pig- I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups - I want to have lunch with freinds. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life. Will life ever return to normal. Will my son feel that I am detached? I don't think I'm depressed. Has anyone else felt like this?

[screamingnutter]

It's a hard thing to admit to that your not cut out for parenthood,but i think it's made worse by the attitude of others,that's why so few women will admit how they really feel. It's a topic that needs to be discussed more openly and women should be given far more support.This is of course my humble opinion lol

[MrsJonJon]

I felt such a relief when I read the title of this post, as I was worried I was the only one who feels this way.

Yes - I regret having children. My husband knows this but nobody else. I have 2 year old twins who I love dearly, but I have struggled for the past 2 years, and I can't see it getting any better.

My husband is incredible - he totally supports me and he feels sad for me that motherhood hasn't turned out to be what I had hoped it to be.

I too have looked for 'ways out' in the past and it took me a long time to realise that there is no way out. I don't want to be without them and I am very protective of them.....I just wish it hadn't happened.....

I feel low much of the time, and I feel so bad for feeling this way.....

[screamingnutter]

Please don't feel bad no-one knows how they will be once kids come along.I said that i would be a good mum when my 2 came along and look at me now i live 400 miles away from them.I don't for 1 second regret moving because i was turning into the mother from hell so i decided the best course of action was to hand them to their dad and move far away.All women want to believe that they will be a good mum but like all things in life there are no guarantees that's what will happen.So don't be too hard on yourself, being a mother is THE HARDEST JOB in the world whether you have 1 kid or 10 kids:-)

[toptramp]

There was an article in Grazi magazine recently entitled ' I was happier BEFORE I had children' whereby a mum admitted that although she loved her dd she disn't love motherhood. She urged more people to be honest about this.
I don't regret having dd as I love her dearly but I am not cut out for motherhood really. I wholeheartedly agree with the op in that I hate going to the park and instead just want to go for dinner with friends etc.
I don't know why I thought it would be so easy ( I really did when I was pregnant). My mum was always telling me how hard it is etc and she had a dp. What amazes me is that I WANTED to get pregnant so badly that I did with my ex who I had only been with for 6 months! When he pointed out it was too early on I breezily told him that i would be ok on my own if it came to that.

So here I am on my own with dd. I do see the positives although I am about to take anti-depressants.The early years are tough and I am looking foward to when dd can sit down and read a good book or take her off with her friends so I can relax. i do love her though and would never be without her. This is the quandry of motherhood!

[DinahMoHum]

I have 3 children, 2 with special needs, the last two have only an 11 month gap between them and i recently had a nervous breakdown.

I feel like im living my life in a cage, even though i thought i wanted children. I do love them, but I have totally bitten off more than I can chew

[toptramp]

I do rather think that the psychiatric/patriarchy or whatever conspires against us by perpetuating the myth that women must want children and must be naturally maternal and those who aren't are somehow lacking. Mabe if our society was more supportive of mothers then we would feel much happier about this.

[toptramp]

And also we should be more tolerant of those women who don't want to marry and/or have kids.

[Shakey1500]

I agree toptramp

The reality of motherhood can be so far removed from the myths perpetuated by media,advertising, celebrities and, just those in general who seemingly find it a breeze. And whilst I think, "You know, I am glad for you that you don't feel as I do as I wouldn't wish it on anyone" there should be more support for the women that aren't naturally cut out for motherhood. And certainly, as you say, less derision for those whose choose not to have children.

But the world went and got itself in a great big bloody hurry for some reason. And in many areas, pressure to succeed has intensified to such a degree that there are totally unrealistic expectations placed all over the place. Motherhood being one of them.

And even though I eventually had my "thunderbolt" moment, I do still have regrets. And I do selfishlly, look forward to the day I reclaim my life, the one I had just for me, before DS came along and joined it. I will do the best I can, I will put him first, but I'll no longer surrender my entire being and "lose" myself again. I will try, through my faults,to show him that none of us are perfect, everybody is infallible and that, intrinsictly, none of us can help how we really feel, deep down inside. It's so bloody hard sometimes.

[Whizkidwithacrazystreak]

I'm the same, kids are overrated. With two boys (4 & 3) I feel lonely, isolated and confused. I miss the old me as she was fun, happy and lively. Easter has magnified all these feelings as I'm also very homesick and miss my family and friends who are on the other side of the world. I work, but at home which I think is even worse. Interesting to read so many familiar stories and good luck to us all. X

[ophelia275]

It's all a big con and a lie. Society tells you that you will be a leper if you don't have kids. Your family nags you and asks you "when are you going to have kids?" or your child "needs a sibling" and your husband tells you he will not be complete unless you have another child. Then no.2 comes along and the family only want to spend 2 minutes with said child because he isn't as interesting as youtube and cries a bit (although they do want to tell all their friends what wonderful grandparents they are) and you are left locked into groundhog day but with mess, noise, sleep deprivation, stretch marks, saggy tummy, poverty and doing things you hate on a daily basis so that everyone else can feel wonderful while you are left picking up the dregs of your "life".

[Zoekate]

Would love to know how you are now Zahora?

[Shakey1500]

I've still got this thread on "watch" also. Yes, be great to hear how things are three years on!

[orangeandlemons]

Zahora and all the rest on here who think they are crap mums.

I have been in your shoes, the birth of my ds split me and my ex dp up. I hated hated being a mum, hated the tantrums, the tiredness, all of it.

Ds is now 18 and I madly love him. Somewhere along the way he became the most delightful charming entertaining child. He is now a delightful charming entertaining sensitive adult.

Your turning day will come. Mostof the posts on here are from parents of vey small children. BUT they grow and become an intrinsic part of your life. My turning point came when Ds was about 4 or 5 started to give something back. One day it struck me that we mutually loved each other.

Now at 18 he still tells me he loves me and I think he walks on water. I think for all of you it will hopefully become easier and more intrinsic and instinctive as they get older. I remember thinking about the old saying that Love grows. I think it is particularly true of children.

I hope this helps all of you. I becam such a convert that I had DD......

[ejb199]

i dont have any children yet and its something hubby and i are talking about at the mo -as in thinking about trying. i feel sooooo mixed though and so worried it will be something i will regret. why cant we just continue as we are - happy, holidays, money. one minute i think yes lets do it. but then i flip back again to a definite no. i dont think im ready. but i dont think ill ever be. to add to all the flip-flopping in my mind, i suffer really badly with emetophobia(phobia of vomiting) so the thought of putting myself thru pregnancy and birth for something im not 100% on, i dunno. sometimes ive been so close to wanting it, but then i go back to not again. when i say close, i mean ive come off pill, ive been taking pre-pregnancy vitamins, we tried (once!) - urgh. goodness. i just feel such a mess and i dont wanna tell any friends or family coz i know they will get their hopes up. hubbys mum has wanted us to have kids for like ever and i really dont need her pressure.

reading all these posts though just makes me think, sh*t, this will be me in a years time :-( but it also confirms to me that it is ok to not be one of these mumsy mums. i fear that if i have a kid, it will literally be the end of me - forever.

[ejb199]

and the post above - orangeandlemons - this makes me feel better about kids. i dont doubt the early days will be difficult. and i would like to go back to work really. i dont think sahm is me at all. but who knows. maybe it might be...

i have a neice and nephew and love them to bits. my neice is nearly 3 and shes so fun and full of life. but i like that - we have fun together then her mum deals with all the hard stuff !

[Shakey1500]

ejb199

I think an important message is that no-one ever knows how they will feel upon becoming a parent. You could be a complete natural, take to it like a duck to water, wonder what on earth you were worrying about. On the flip side, it could be a complete struggle, like this thread has illustrated. But, and it's big BUT, if you find it a struggle, then this thread also illustrates that it's OK to feel like this. That it's fine to have what you may feel are negative thoughts. That you won't be alone. That there are thousands upon thousands of women each thinking that they can't admit it.

It also shows that, whilst parts or all of it can be a struggle, that there is light at what can seem like a very long, lonely tunnel.

Don't NOT have children because of things you fear may happen, have them on the understanding that they can also be a source of intense happiness, legacy and fulfilment. And if you truly think that parenthood isn't for you then that's ok too and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

For what it's worth, I didn't feel sick or have sickness throughout the entire pregnancy!

Yes, there will be big elements of your previous life that you will miss initially, like holidays, nights out at the drop of a hat heck, even going to the loo on your own for a while. But I'm a great believer in "children join your life, not the other way around".

If more women were realistic about the way babies can alter your life, it would make things easier. The thing is, you never know how it's going to be until it happens, and that's ok too. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[ejb199]

Shakey1500 - thanks so much for your kind words. Yes this thread is great because its nice to see women actually say, yeah its been tough. i hate it how there is sooo much pressure on women to be so perfect. its nice to be able to say im having a tough time and not be criticized all the time. all the good and positive things about having children i know i want. and all the elements that i will miss, well i am looking forward to sharing those with hubby and child.

Am a believer of this also "children join your life, not the other way around". my hubby is great too and i know hed be very hands on, and especially with the emet. ill do poo, he does anything out the top end !

Good to hear you didnt have any sickness. I use another emet forum and a lot of emet mums have coped very well through it all. basically im not going to let the phobia get in the way of having a child. yes it will be tough but i know im strong enough to deal with it. i travel a bit with work and next trip coming up in aug so ive made a decision - hold off until after that trip basically and then i think yes, lets get going. otherwise ill find another reason to put it off! and who knows, maybe i will want to be a sahm - it would be nice to meet some new people and make new friends. the thought of having some time away from work is appealing.

i guess its natural to have these worries and concerns.

[crazyhead]

What a powerful thread. One thing that strikes me is how many people on there have OHs who claimed to be desperate for kids yet a) persisted in marrying someone who didn't want them and still pushed the issue b) then had the outrageous cheek not to pull their weight with the baby.

Among my female friends with babies, several are career women with a male partner who is the main carer because he is just more suited to it. These women have a more typically 'male' experience of parenthood. The people I know with kids also DO go out to the pub/leave their kids for a few days to go on a holiday with the girls - whatever. And I have to say that 90% of women I know were pretty happy to get back to work after maternity leave.

I appreciate these people may be very lucky, but it sounds as though some stories here were off very maternal woman being shoved into some 1950s housewife role. I wonder whether in every case it is about not being suited to being a mother or not suited to a particular paradigm of motherhood?

[jac73]

Shakey 1500 - good to see you are still here...I had the baby on 28th May, and so now 8 weeks in. I can honestly say the first couple of weeks hit with the force of an avalanche, but I am now flying solo (hubby went back to work 2 weeks ago) and I have to say its not nearly as duanting as I expected, but yes it certainly has its moments where you wonder "what the hell..?". I am still trying to decipher what it is that makes parents go back for more, and the only thing I can think of this: I understand now what all those freaky mums and dads used to mean when they said to me "they miss their old life, but they wouldnt be without their kids" - I actually get that now, and think the reason is becuase kids give you an opportunity to experience, TRUELLY HANDS DOWN experience REAL unconditional love. Thats what it is...and at the end of the day thats what lifes all about - love. Yesterday my little boy had his first immunisation and boy, was he upset...I wouldve given anything to make him feel better, my right arm is dead today from carrying him around for 4 hours, but I didnt care at the time I just wanted to comfort him. I dont know that kids ever give back the kind of love Im talking about to their parents (I dont know I feel this way about mine), but yes, I cant imagine what it would take in the future for me to not love him anymore. Still, to all the other would-be mums out there wondering what to do, I would say unless you and your partner are both 150% sure, perhaps dont do it until you are.

[jac73]

I was looking at my last post and realised I sound possibly a bit coochie coo, so I need to elborate some more. Yes, I do love that little guy, despite the fact he woke me up several times last night and I have just given up and gotten up - early. I think for me I can cope OK knowing that I have a satisfying job to go back to later on this year. I have a very supportive husband...to the would be-s out there, if your dh wants kids - make it VERY clear up front - you will not be the only primary carer of potential offspring. Additionally, make it clear..."one-and youre done" unless of course you discover its the most awesome role ever. Not with me, I really am done and I knew that before we had him. Yes, my days are now taken up with largely banal activities, and come the evening when hubby gets home, he most often gets ds shoved straight at him whilst I go grapling for the shiraz. (No, I dont get pissed every night, but sometimes its tempting). Like I said in my last post Im only 8 weeks in, and I know there are gonna be some tough days ahead...thats my last bit of advice to would-be's, dont go in with rose-coloured glasses. I think thats why Im coping better than expected too - because I knew alot of it would be largely shit, and I accepted that before ds was born...it helps.

[Shakey1500]

Ahhh good to hear from you Jac73

And I at "grappling for the Shiraz"! Your son sounds wonderful and many many congratulations to you both :)

So...just musing...do you think reading this thread helped you at all? In a kind of "expect the worse and anything else is a bonus" type way? I was just thinking that maybe if I'd have had the slightest inkling that it wouldn't be cute gurgles and cutie bottoms, I'd have been better prepared etc?

[jac73]

Heya Shakey, thanks for the well wishes.

Yes, interesting question and something else I pondered myself when I first came upon this thread all those months ago...but by then of course I was well and trully pregnant past the point of no return. See, had I found this thread just prior to, or just after, getting pregnant- who knows what the outcome may have been, but saying that once I found out I was indeed up the duff I kind of knew in my heart I couldnt go down the termination line anyway...I love my husband too much, and besides its not like I was 17 with no idea of who I was or where I would be going in life. So I think where you are 'at' in your life most certainly counts to how well you cope.

Being 38 too I had the opportunity to see all the comments in this thread in action with other people over the years...perhaps you didnt see that yourself so much? I also found that once I was pregnant people went from saying how FAB being a parent was to telling me all the horror stories - like, was this their weird way of saying 'sucked in'?

I think, like you have said yourself, that this thread has definitely helped me in the sense that on those moments where I am losing the plot, or having really negative thoughts, that I am NOT alone, and shouldnt feel that I have to be blisfully happy about the situation all the time. There appear to be a few chickis popping up on this thread who are considering starting a family, so it would have to help them - surely? Its good to get a dose of reality from others who have done it/are doing it (parenthood that is). But like you also said to me, everyone's experience is going to be different...but yeah - expect there to be shit, and like me, when it happens you just kinda breath and say 'yep, well I expected this, so no point getting upset about it'.

Sorry rambling on here will stop now ;-)

[toptramp]

At least most of you on this thread were sensible and actually got married first! I was so desperate for dc that I couldn't wait. I don't regret dd but I would definately not have chosen this way to start a family.
I don't think I will have any more and on one hand I grieve this but on the other hand I think if you find one child tough don't have another one just to give your dc a sibling. Only children are NOT fucked up or spoilt. I never talk to my sister. Have number 2 or 3 because you love, enjoy or can merely cope with having another; not because society expects it.

[jac73]

Toptramp - please dont be so hard on yourself...one of my best buddies had her first at 17, and she did it tough on her own, but he is now 19 and they are great mates. She often regrets the circumstances too, but she wouldnt give him back for anything.

Also, I was an only child and I can promise you I wasnt spoilt. I dont understand people who say only having one is. You can only 'spoil' a child with gifts...really, how much do you remember about 'stuff' you were given as a kid?

What I remember is the times my parents spent with me (digging in the garden, going to beach, whatever), and it wasnt alot of time to be honest. But thats where I hope to be different, I will endevour to 'spoil' my child with qaulity time, laughter and learning (within reason - I need a life too! :-)) You can never spoil a child with too much of your affection and time...just be realistic about what you can provide and give yourself time out too whenever you can.

Stuff societal expections. One well rounded individual is better than 3 screwed up ones keeping eachother company.

[MorrisZapp]

Hello my dearies! Lovely thread, lovely people.

Well, it's a year since my last post. Am I still a bitter, frigid shell of a woman? Mostly, no. The truth is inescapable - it does get better!

My DS is nearly 2. People say don't wish his life away, but I can't help it. I want him out of nappies and speaking fluently. I don't have too long to wait now I guess.
Generally, life is good. I have a new job with a nice payrise, and have had some short trips sans DS. I'm very very slowly weaning down my AD dose. Hoping (against hope?) this will help me lose the stone of extra weight I'm blaming on them :)

I'm lucky also in that DP is brilliant, he does half the work, as he promised before you know what happened.

Do I want more? No fucking way, not on your life, never in a million years. Our DS is going to be a cherished only child and we're getting our lives back ASAP.

I still envy old people. I still prefer work to the weekends (tell me why, I don't like Sunday ;). I still think of being with DS as hard work. But in amongst all that is our growing boy. He's amazing. He gives us love and laughs every day.

And when he can feed himself, wipe his own butt, and put a tshirt on without screaming, then we may, just may, start feeling the plus column outweighing the minus. It's out there. Hang on, hang in, keep the faith etc. We will get there.

Oh. And....

GO BACK TO WORK!