Hi @Tg2 - first of all, hugs. I hear you. I've been "there" (by "there" I mean that your words resonate with me and my experience although, obviously, I do not know exactly what your experience is like for you).
Secondly, there is no crime, no shame, no ill in your thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to have them. It doesn't mean anything other than that's how you are thinking and feeling right now. It's no reflection on your love for your child, or capacities or capabilities or anything other than that you are in a tough place right now, and you are suffering, and you wish it wasn't so. That's normal and natural.
Unfortunately, as you have painfully discovered, the act of giving birth doesn't mean we become magical earth mothers that get their joy, fulfilment and reason for being from the raising of their child. I am not sure it was ever really like that for most women. It's a myth. However, many women do (apparently, or so I hear) find that joy/meaning soon enough or make a conscious choice to find that joy/meaning and not think about other possibilities/what-ifs. It's OK if you are not one of those women. I wasn't.
So, how did I get through it? Not well, but I did. Hence, I am here responding hoping to pass on enough for you to avoid some of my pitfalls.
What I did "wrong" (which I couldn't help at the time, but it probably wasn't helpful):
- Catastrophising and going on endless thought loops of how resentful I am and how my life it ruined because of it, which felt like gave me a venting space in my head, which FELT GOOD, but just made me more angry, and more miserable in long term. That's NOT to say that my thoughts and feelings were invalid or even really wrong. It certainly seemed that way and, even now, I can say that I think my life would have been 'better' if I didn't have a child. But, now, I can also acknowledge that with such a massive sliding doors moment, I simply do not know if my life would have been better. It probably would be better in some ways, worse in others, but overall... I am OK. I am content. Often even happy. And, most importantly to me, I am STILL ME. I am not just a Mother or any other socially-forced-on-me hijacking identity. And - I love my child, and I am a good mum.
So, how did I stop myself? Short answer - a good therapist who was not the least bit judgemental :D Seriously, if you can afford it/can find one - do it! Again, it's not because there is anything wrong with you. You don't have to rationalise the thoughts and feelings away. What you need is some strategies to help you cope right now when your life is objectively not how you want it to be.
My therapist taught me much about myself and how I view the world and my experiences and how to slightly bit-by-bit begin expanding my view to stop myself thinking in such black and white terms. But also, at the very basic level, she encouraged me to practice awareness of my thoughts and feelings. To recognise that those thought loops are my brain's way to solve the issue at hand, but that they weren't actually all that helpful because I couldn't think of a "perfect" solution. What I needed was more awareness of the points of my day when things were, objectively, not that bad. e.g. when my daughter was sleeping, when we were in the park and she was occupied with something else and not demanding my attention. Those moments when things weren't perfect but were OK. When my nervous system could rest. So that I wasn't going into the bad moments all strung-out and nerve-wrecked from the hopeless thoughts that were stealing even my peaceful moments.
How to do it? Notice what you think. Notice what it is that you feel behind those thoughts. Sometimes it may be anger, it may be grief, or guilt or whatever. Allow yourself to feel that, notice where is it in your body - in your chest maybe, on your shoulders, throat, clenching of your stomach. Just spend a moment feeling it. Acknowledging it as a moment of suffering for you. And give yourself compassion as you would to a close friend who is suffering. Don't judge yourself - that's just more thoughts. Allow it to be what it is. And then, see if you can focus on what other things are happening around you right now. How the ground feels beneath your feet. What you can hear, what you can smell. Usually, all those things are safe and secure and OK.
yes, I am describing some 'mindfulness' practices here without the new age hoopla around it. Because the trick with mindfulness isn't the posture you use, or podcasts you listen to, or whatever. It's finding what works to bring you out of your head into the safe now and allow you a moment of pause and rest. At first, unless you are a long-time practitioner - it is going to be just a moment. And you will forget to catch yourself the next time thoughts take you for a ride. That's OK. Don't chastise yourself. Keep practicing. What you are doing is rewiring your brain to do something it's not used to. It will happen, bit by bit.
- I did not believe the cardinal rule of life - that things change. it's true. What seemed like an impossibility, that that's it my life is shackled forever now and I am losing the best years of my life to this - well, it didn't turn out that bad. My daughter is 10 years old now. And, as I said, we are OK. Have a read though of the post I did 10 years ago. Look for "lifeinruins" as my username. That's where I was.
What your reality is now is not how it will always be. I promise.
What did help:
-
a therapist as I already mentioned
-
using any and all help that I could lay my hands on. Our daughter frequently slept over at her grandparents. (She was breastfed till 14 months, but expressing pump and bottle feeding are a thing and she never ever had issues with breastfeeding even though we used the bottle during nights and when she was away). She was also in child care for a day or two from 6 months old. All that gave me time to be me and my husband and I time to be a couple and allowed us both to SLEEP. Cause lack of sleep does not for good mental health make! :) Fuck this idea that you need to do it all by yourself or just as a couple. It takes a village. Always has. We don't have natural villages so if you can't find it, pay for it. If you can't pay for it, find playgroups where you can find support from other mothers and band together to look after each other's kids even for a little bit while the other has a break. Load up your partner if you have one - especially if he is working 9 to 5. Working is usually easier than parenting and baby/toddler. He comes home from work, you get out of the house and get some you time.
Do what works for you; what you need - not what other people tell you. (That includes not listening to all I say either ;)
- going back to study/work (I was doing a second degree at the time; sounds like you are going back to work). It is likely to be a breath of normality for you; time to regain touch with who you were before the baby. Use it. Enjoy it. Don't feel guilty about it. Your family needs you healthy and content with life. Which can only be done on your terms.
OK, that was long but I hope at least some was helpful.
Hang in there and give yourself grace to just be as you are, not as you are "meant to be".
xoxo