Lastminute I'm in the position you were in. I'm 35 and my fella is 48. He has 3 children, 24, 22, and 15. The 15 year old lad lives with us and I love being a mum to him. But he's an adult kid if you know what I mean, so I can speak to him and hold a conversation. I also have two step grand kid girls of 4 years and 6 months. I've always been a step parent and never really wanted kids, until I met my fella. I love him with all my heart and he does too. He's amazing, lovely, supportive, my rock. We have a great relationship. But 2 years ago I decided having a baby would be lovely with him. I've never felt maternal, never loved being with kids. I don't mind them, but find them noisy and draining. But my biological clock was ticking, and my fella being the age he is, I knew its now or never. He agreed to have a baby with me, but kept saying how he thought he wouldn't be able to due to his age and meds he's on which a side effect is a low sperm count. We tried for a year and nothing. So I suggested we get some help. He said he'd give a sample for a sperm count, but didn't seem keen. The whole time we're trying too, he was going through a custody battle for his son (who he'd primarily looked after and they both desperately wanted to be with each other) and the divorce from hell. I'd actually come to the conclusion that I didn't desperately want children that bad, that I think I wanted a child with him because I felt it would connect us together in a way nothing else would. That for some reason we'd been through so much with his ex, this was me showing people how happy we are together, that we've made a baby together and live happily ever after.
So guess what? Boom, I fell pregnant! Initially on the day I found out I had no emotion. No happy or sad feeling, just, ok, I'm pregnant. Then on day two I had my doubts. Then day 3, wow. I'm so depressed. Thinking, what have I done??? I wanted this, fantasized about it once we started trying, had this romantic idea of how things would be.... happily ever after. I'm crying all the time. I wake up and don't want it, then in the afternoon I think, May be it'll work and be ok. We both have career jobs, but as much as he says he will help when he's home, it's me who will have to take 6 months off work. He said he won't do the split maternity as he retires from his job in 18 months and doesn't want to spend those last days at home looking after baby full time while I work. I understand that.
Every day I wake up and cry, I don't want this, I want everything to go back to the way it was. I've never been maternal, hate noise, love my sleep, love the freedom my life gives. I very quickly loose my temper over things, including the pets. I suffer from anxiety when my fella goes to work and leaves me with his 15 year old on nights. I feel physically sick when it's all on me. I can't take the feeling. How would I cope with a baby!!! I have pets too that take a lot of my time up and I love that. A baby would ruin everything about my life now. It's bazar it takes me to get pregnant to actually realise what I want.
I am booked in for a consultation in a week to discuss a termination. My fella can't believe we're here after I was the one who wanted to try for a baby.I can't believe it either.
What I want to know lastminute and any others who terminated at an older age, do you regret a termination knowing this is your last chance at motherhood? I don't want a baby now, but in 10, 20 years time, will i regret not having that adult child?
My heads so confused right now. I just know I can't take this feeling anymore, and I actually wish every day I would naturally miscarry so the decision is taken from me. I know that's a horrible thought, especially for people who are really trying. But I just can't settle with the thought of being a mum. I'm almost 8 weeks now. I'm also scared of the termination procedure. I don't know what to do!! Any advise from others in similar situations or from those of you like me, but chose to have you baby would be much appreciated.