I need to put this "out there". Unlike many people on this thread, I am not technically a SAHM. I am currently studying at university, doing an honours level degree part time. This is for a career change. It's tough and I must have top marks in order to proceed further.
I used to have a career in IT. I had a 6-figure salary. I knew for many years that it wasn't for me, that I didn't enjoy it, and so I started studying part time - slowly preparing to step out. I had a small but beautiful Victorian-era house. I could afford my own mortgage, my own lifestyle. I do have a history of anxiety and depression though, but I learned to manage it.
I married my best friend, whom I love dearly. I always thought that I had to have a child - my biological clock was saying so, my family was saying so - it was just "one of those things", even though I am not maternal and don't like children - but I was convinced (primarily by my mother) that it wouldn't matter because it is different with one's own child.
I got pregnant on the night we got engaged. My husband wanted the child - me: well, the timing was horrid (I just changed, jobs, was in 3rd year of my degree, we were planning a wedding and honeymoon and to just enjoy being a couple)... but I wasn't going to have an abortion. So - we had a beautiful baby girl. Because there was no way I could have enough time and energy to hold a fulltime job and study successfully enough to be able to achieve the level I needed, it was decided that I would leave my job and IT and concentrate on the studies and motherhood. My husband makes a very good salary, and we could afford it. What we could not afford was a larger place, so we all moved into my small house. It became very crowded, the decor haphazard, but it had to happen (partly of me - I refused to move out of my home when I found out I was pregnant. I am very home bound, and, by then, with my biological instinct having calmed down, I already realised what a horrible mistake I made. That I didn't want a child at all. That I treasured my life as it was. But it was too late.)
My daughter is 18 months now. She goes to a good child care place 4 days a week. She gets sick with minor colds a lot, which she has to stay home for quite often, but we have support from both grandmothers. I get to study - something I enjoy a lot.
And, still, I am MISERABLE! I love my daughter, I am a very good mother. I don't lose it with her, I am practicing respectful parenting, I keep my depression at bay most of the time, when I am around her.... and I HATE MY LIFE.
I pop 10 pills a day to keep the depression at bay. I've seen a psychologist but there's nothing really that can be done because I am not being delusional - my life has changed in exact ways I see, with some good things (you know, those moments of connection with the child, watching her grow, etc etc), but many of the changes I hate and, overall, the good does not in any way, shape or form make up for the bad. I can't lie to myself, I can't forget about it, I can't ignore it.
I used to be a beautiful energetic person, who took a lot of pride in her appearance, was VERY fit, and was sexual. I am too tired now - I don't have energy/time/or am sick with the latest virus my daughter brought into the house, which saps energy even more. I have not enjoyed sex since the day my daughter was born. I participate in it for my husband's sake. I live in jeans and jumpers - those that I don't care whether they get stained or not. I don't even remember what is in my closets, let alone remember how to dress up (and, oh boy, did I used to - I used to favour gothic clothing and make up).
My house I already mentioned - there are things constantly in need of fixing, cleaning, it's got plastic boxes and computer things everywhere, because we have no where to put them - and no energy to really sort things out and throw things out. My beautiful house is no longer a place of pride and joy for me - it's still my home though.
Because I have left my career, and because of where I was in my career at the time I left (transitioning from a programmer to a project manager, but not having yet enough time in the manager's role to be able to get job as one, and, now being out too long from a position of a programmer - 5 years away from cutting-edge stuff is a VERY LONG TIME in this industry), I don't think I could possibly get a job which will allow me to support myself... and this is something I always was able to do.
I am holding onto my studies, but I am so, so exhausted. I am not sure I can keep that up and it's still 4 years before I can actually start working in the new field.
My husband is exhausted too - he always understood me, understood my mental health issues, was always supportive, but he is feeling hopeless. There's nothing he can do (any more than he already can, given that he has to hold down the job to pay for us all).
We've all been living with the idea that "it's going to get better" - but, 18 months later - it isn't. Every time I have to spend more than 1 hour on my own with my daughter I end up looking at the clock every 15 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes counting down to when someone else can take over. I always have to push the thought away of "I'd rather be elsewhere, do something else". Lately, that something else has been "sleep". I just want to sleep. It's depression and I am tired of fighting it, and I have assignments due, so I can't just sleep the days away.
We've started talking about my husband and daughter moving out to his mother's. He doesn't want to. His mother, of course, wouldn't want him to. I don't want him to. But I don't want to be paying this price. I don't want to be a shadow of myself. I want my life back, so much (even though I know I can't have it back - because I want a life with my husband, whom I love... but without my daughter!!!!) I love her too, very much... but I love myself more! And it's selfish and horrid, but I do!
I do.