Does anyone else regret having children?

[Zahora]

Does anyone else regret having your child? I loved my old life. My husband really wanted a child and I put it off for so long, just knowing that it's not my calling. I gave in after so many rows thinking I would adjust. It was either that or leave my husband whom I loved very much. My son is 2 years old and it has been such a lonely and desperate struggle. I feel like my wonderful life has turned upside down. I still do not feel like a mother. I look after my son full time, I even breastfed for a year, yet it just feels so ...hollow. It's not me. I miss my old life so much I just feel like walking out and leaving my husband and son. I hate playing in the park. I want to go to a gallery. I hate watching peppa pig- I want to read a novel. I hate going to playgroups - I want to have lunch with freinds. I do everything I can for my son and he is lovely. Yet motherhood so far has left me feeling like I have been conned out of my real life. Will life ever return to normal. Will my son feel that I am detached? I don't think I'm depressed. Has anyone else felt like this?

Like PP's having my DC's seemed to wreck my body and mind. I had to give up my career as I was too unwell to go back to work. I regretted every day for years having the DC's. They are great kids but the price I have paid is too high. My whole life has been sacrified. I have nothing left for me. I am constantly counting down the years (9) until the youngest leaves home and I can have my life and freedom back. I feel trapped and imprisoned. I had absolutely NO idea what I was signing up for when having DC's. Stupid me just had them because it's what you did after getting married. I put no thought into it. So I have nobody to blame but my own stupid self.

Thanks Shakey, I hope so! My DS does not sleep so its making things so much worse:( His birth was horrifc and traumatising, 3 days of hell, then a week in hospital with problems after for both of us. Now 5 months on, I cant remember my own name, my body is ruined, im on anti depressants, no social life anymore, no fun. My partner works away monday to friday so im doing it all alone. Weekends we just argue becuase im so upset and tired after a week with DS. And i just cry most of the time and think hes the biggest mistake of my life. I thought children were a challenge but the best thing to happen to you, "theres nothing like it, best feeling you'll ever have," people said! I just sit at home looking at all my friends going out, on holiday, meals, drinks, cinema etc, and I realise its all over for me. I cant even get my hair done as its very thick and long and will take a good few hours to do. My DS would not go that long without feeding(breast) and he wont let a bottle anywhere near him. Nobody can babysit or help me as im the only one that can feed him:( I tried to go out with my partner on NYE but we had to come home after 2 hours as he was screaming hungry and wouldnt stop, refused the bottle:( One thing i know for sure is I wont be having anymore, which makes me sad as I always thought I would have a big family.

Hi guys so I have read through all of the the threads and it was on a day when I was at the end of my tether so it was very comforting to me.
My story is I always wanted children so I had one and another exactly one year later. I struggled as I believe every mother does but I knew in my heart I wanted them and whatever struggles I went through I knew if I had never had them I would always wonder and regret not doing so. But just when I had my two wonderful children close in age as I had wanted I fell pregnant again when my second child was only 5 months old. I was adamant that I could not cope having another so soon especially as both were born by c section and I had complications soon after my last was born. I decided to have an abortion and went through with it and it crippled me emotionally. Two months after said abortion I discovered I was still pregnant and my head was a complete mess by this time after having the guilt of getting rid of my child I was told I now had to make the decision to kill this child inside me for the second time and I had to have a surgical abortion or keep the child I had not wanted . I was ridden with guilt as my partner had always wanted to keep the baby anyway.
And so I kept the baby and got pnd after and have struggled ever since and blamed the baby for every bad day I have had since. I often dream of just having the two but alas the third is here and I would never not be there to love them. Some days it so hard to be a mum especially when you have three children less than three years old. I am alone all week with them and I can get so down but I believe we need to buck up and realise that these small people are a gift from God. Yes sometimes I want to run away or I can shout at them but I have a heart and when I actively sit down with all of them and put on a brave face even when I want to cry I find I get joy from something they will do or a smile and I am so grateful .
All I am trying to say is especially for me things can be so depressing but look for that joy , change your attitude as best you can, take a minute out and look at them with fresh eyes. It's shit it really is but it is not there fault and when we are old and grey these people will be our best friends and return every favour we have ever done. If these post are scaring you into not having children just trust your gut its hard but it is worth it more than u could imagine. Chin up ladies we are all in the same boat. God bless xxxx

I am a 35 year old new mum of a 14week old DS. He is healthy and active but I'm struggling so much. I hate my life and I'm a crap mum. I love him in a dutiful and functional manner and take care of his physical needs - he is always fed, watered, clean but I don't know how to engage him or play with him. He has always been high needs, active, alert, colic, suspected silent reflux, only naps during the day on me and doesn't sleep properly at night. He is also exclusively breastfed and is gaining weight well. Recently he has started to resist the breast more and more, arching and crying during feedings. He only feeds properly when drowsy or asleep. I thought feeding was the one thing I had a good handle on but now we have problems too I feel even worse.

I love my DS but hate my life and hate the fact I find motherhood so tough. I had always been ambivalent about children and am non maternal. My DH is a fantastic gem of a man, and he is great with children although he has never pushed me into having children. I admit I had DS as I love DH and wanted him to experience fatherhood.

It has been a lonely desperate struggle during the day for me. We have no family nearby so absolutely no support. I'm dying inside. I am an introvert so finding the lack of structure in my day and no 'me' time an absolute killer.

I find myself wishing DS' childhood away so I can get my life back. It feels like a prison sentence and DH says I shouldn't feel this way as DS didn't ask to be born. I know all this and feel even worse about myself. DS deserves a better mum than me. He deserves someone that loves and embraces him the way he needs to be. I am dying inside... Giving every last bit of myself I'm not sure how much more I have to give...

Just to add, before DS I had worked in a job / industry I despised. Although I hated the work, the job paid well and I was able to enjoy many hobbies outside of work. Now to find I have swapped one job I hated to another (unpaid) job I hate... Is really hard to bear.... At the same time, I'm finding the loss of identity, freedom and financial independence hard!

Hi,
I never ever experienced so much hate than I did from my son. Wish I'd never become a mother.

Zahora (and other moms in the same situation): I know this may sound very awful from my part, but would it be that bad if you were just to walk away from it all? From what you have written, you sound like you really regret it, like it was really better before the baby, so why would it be such a bad thing if you were to get your old life back? Many men do it because they just can't cope with the idea, yet when mothers do it, they are judged very harshly. But here is what I argue: being a miserable parent will make you and those around you miserable, including your child. So wouldn't it be better for all people involved if you were to quit life as a parent?

to all

Can I ask, did you suspect you might feel this way or did you think you would enjoy being mothers? I think I will hate it and be an awful mother, but there's always that voice that goes "once you have them you won't want to be without them". I've always suspected that many people secretly regret having kids, but it's too taboo to admit it. This thread has confirmed my fears.

The voice also tells me that my husband would be the stay at home parent (this is agreed) and I wouldn't be tied to the kids in the way that most women are. I would get time away from them and they would go to my husband first, not me.

It's such an awful decision because once you've made it, you can't give them back. I'm scared I will give it one day, have them, and then spend the rest of my life regretting it

I haven't read the entire thread, just recent posts, but it has made me feel less alone, less guilty so that's good.

I don't regret having kids, just having my daughter (second kid) when I did. It was too soon and I did it for the wrong reasons - to try and make my husband move. We didn't move and having her has made our lives more complicated and much harder. We should have waited a couple more years. At the moment I'm really worried about how these feelings affect my ability to mother her as the regret gets ever stronger with each complication having a baby brings (and also realising we could cope with them better in a year). I don't Want her to suffer though - it wasn't her fault. I need to make sure she is loved as much as my son. I'm bf her and feel love when I look at her but just wish I could turn the clock back

Hi ted and lola,

Like i've said before: if you think you won't like it: DO NOT have children. You cannot fathom how hard, relentless and mind-numbingly boring it is to be a parent.

-No free time
-No me time
-Not enough sleep
-Boring activities all the time
-Weekends stop being a good thing
-Your life will be: work-kids-work-kids-work-kids ad infinitum...
-everything you enjoyed is less fun when you have kids

Need I go on?

Once again: do not have children!

I am writing here because I just need to let this out. I have a beautiful daughter who is 3 years old. She is a great child. But I'm not a great mom. I suffer with anxiety when she is with me. I have a job and she also goes to stay with her father quite frequently. All I think during those times is that she will be back soon and my anxiety levels spike up. What is wrong with me?! I love her to death but don't enjoy having her because of this anxiety. I feel like I won't know how to fill our time or what to do with her. What do u do about this major problem? Why can't I be like other mothers who just 'get it'? I am so lost and miserable. I don't want my daughter's childhood to pass like this. Help.

tiredmamma I hear you. I can only speak from experience and totally recognise the anxiety/dread you feel. I also found it really difficult to fill up the day! I had to force myself to attend playgroups, have playdates even leave the house.

For me it got better slowly slowly. It was a number of things really. The fact he started nursery ( increased me time), he became more aware/confident (less eyes in the back of his head) found ways to entertain himself (less time required one on one) and developed his personality so my enjoyment increased.

A lot of the time I gritted my teeth and repeated "It won't be like this forever" type phrases and ploughed through each day one at a time. Please don't feel bad, you're not alone and many of us have survived

I havent rtft but just want to express my sympathies. I am not cut out to be a sahm, not a chance. Going back to work on monday is such a relief. I am in a lucky position since i enjoy my work and can afford it, otherwise i woulg go bananas. But i can say that it gets better with time as dc get older

It's so hard because I want a child, but I know I'll hate it like everyone here.

But yet that doesn't take away the desire to do it. I wish it would.

People often say (and have said many times in this thread) that "no one tells you how hard it is" but I don't think that's true. For the last few years all you read about parenting is that it's horrible! From various tv shows to books like "Go the fuck to sleep", all the horror birth stories out there, many long form articles about hate filled parents and threads like this one, the word is well and truly out.

To all the parents out there, what do you think would have convinced you not to have kids, if all the above things didn't?

Would anyone like to meet up? Perhaps a group of us to talk honestly for once. I am in Somerset. I simply love this thread. I feel like part of a community just reading it. You are all amazing women. X

I'd be up for meeting. I'm in London. I am so grateful for this thread.

I'd happily do a meet also. This thread has been a big part of my life for the past seven years, in one way or another

I'm North West.

Hi everyone just found this thread and trying to stop myself from crying. I have already terminated a few years ago due to antenatal depression and here I find myself pregnant again and feeling the same sense of doom and fear. My DH will be the most amazing father but I am so terrified of this being a mistake. We have been together 11 years and I'm worried it will break us. I want to feel happy and excited but deep down I'm not sure if I even want to be a mother or if I'm doing it just to keep my relationship. I love looking after my niece but all I'm thinking is how am I ever going to cope. I am so selfish I know that.

I'd like to meet if others are going to. I'm Hants/Oxon way but happy to travel. I am not pg and at 41/5, unlikely to be. But still I dither. Still I would like to be - kind of - until my period becomes due - when I become scared and panicky. There is no logic to my situation.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/apr/17/experience-im-afraid-of-pregnancy

This first-person account resonated with me and may be useful to others. When the writer states, "for me, pregnancy meant being trapped inside my greatest fear. It was the equivalent to an arachnophobe being locked inside a box of spiders for nine months", I know precisely how that feels.

(I have posted to this thread on and off for the last three years under different names and revisit it regularly)

I kind of understand that pugh

My Mother absolutely put the fear of god into us about "getting pregnant before you were married". Very old fashioned of course but Ye Gads I used to shit myself when I was due on and pray for my period to come. Didn't help that I was never regular, so spent most of my late teens in a constant state of panic and drowning under pregnancy test sticks.

AnnaM27 I know it's a while since you posted your question (April) but (for me) I've only just seen it.

I think "If you regret it so much, why don't you walk away" is a fair question, given the topic.

For me the answer would be-

1.Because the guilt I would have felt in walking away would be far far greater than the guilt I felt for feeling regret. And it was difficult enough living with that guilt, never mind any more.

1. Whilst I absolutely missed my "old" life, feeling trapped made me acutely aware of the other life, that of my son. And for all my yearnings, he was there. Looking to me for love, support, protection. And whilst I felt daily like launching various vases at the wall in frustration he needed me. Whatever version that was of "me". He didn't know. Had nothing to go on. Didn't care even. DH was away working most of the time. Who else would do it? And as I've often said, deep deep down, I did care very much.

I think all that find this thread care. I may have felt regret but it doesn't mean I could have left him either.

Shakey is it your son's birthday around now? I've lurked on this thread for years, your posts have helped me tremendously.

My DD is two and I'm just coming out of the fog of hating every minute of having a child. DH desperately wants another but I can't imagine anything worse. I fear he will resent me forever if we didn't have another but I just can't do it.

if Yes, he turned 8 this week, I assume I must have mentioned it earlier in thread? (it's too long a thread to check ). Else you recognise me in RL eek? One of my greatest fears is my son when he's older finding this thread and feeling shit, though hopefully he will read it all and see the turnaround

For me, I stopped at one child. I think there are two reasons entwined. One being that, at 38, and after horrendous birth, I couldn't physically go through anything near that again (I've now just had major surgery stemming from the traumatic birth) and second, the way I felt towards being a Mum.

So I was sterilised in the Nov after his Aug birth. Fortunately DH didn't want any more either (already had kids as well as our DS and he's older than me). I can't imagine being in your position. But you know yourself best and it is your body and mental well being at stake

And I feel warm and fuzzy that my posts may have helped

It's permanently on my watch list as I can't bear the thought of other's feeling as isolated/guilty/regretful as I did.

It's not a RL thing, you mentioned it in earlier posts and I was just re reading this thread (I like to, from time to time, when I'm struggling). 8 years old, bless him. Happy birthday!

I was also 38 when I had DD, DH is 46 now. Aside from the age thing the pregnancy was absolutely horrific (surgery at 15 weeks) constant pain and stress. I have a coil now so no chance of getting a bit drunk and forgetting contraception thank god. I'd love to be sterilised, I really would.

Thanks so much for all the support