I don’t know whether finding this thread has been a good or a bad thing. This will be long and rambly and pretty incoherent so apologies.
Basically, in a nutshell, my situation is that I am not and never have been the slightest bit maternal.
I am an absolute animal lover and that’s about where it begins and ends.
I am selfish, sometimes inconsiderate and lazy, I like socialising, and getting dressed up, partying, horse riding, dogs, horses, any animal really. I like clean, tidy spaces, tranquil surroundings, peace and quiet. I LOVE doing what I want when I want.
I find children beyond irritating. I find the constant noise, mess and just general chaos that surrounds them stressful and frustrating.
My sibling brings my nephew over and honestly, after literally about 10 minutes I can feel myself getting irritated. He is a beautiful little boy, very pretty and occasionally he’ll do or say something and I’ll vaguely think ‘aw’ but mostly, I just feel irritated. Perhaps this is more to do with other people though. From the minute he walks through the door everyone is in awe of him, there is NO other topic of conversation, no other focus. This will literally last several hours, with everyone staring at him like he’s some sort of exotic zoo animal and in awe and cooing at everything he does and says.
It drives me insane. I get so bored, not to mention exhausted. Then, when the noise and mess starts up and they all sit there cooing and awing, I want to go up to them all and slap them and scream ‘how can you LIKE this?’ ‘HOW is this endearing in anyway shape or form?!’
I just don’t get why when there is a baby or a child present EVERYONES focus just zooms in on them? Why an adult conversation can’t still commence, why, actually, you CAN’T just ignore the bloody child if it’s whining, interrupting and screaming for attention?!
I honestly just get no joy from it and find people that obsess over children and babies just the most boring people on earth. I hate the judgemental looks I get, when, after 30 mins I stop awing and cooing over the little darlings. I detest the judgemental looks I get when I express that I don’t think I want children.
This would all be fine….if it wasn’t for the fact that I have a lovely OH who has made it clear from day one that he DOES want children. I said let’s call it a day early on in the relationship because I don’t think I do and it’s better we go our separate ways now before we get too attached. He didn’t want to though and pleaded to just see how things went and worked out.
Luckily it is early days and I am only 27, so perhaps I will change my mind, but there hasn’t been a day in my life yet when I’ve ever considered wanting children. I have read a similar type thread to this out to him aloud before, he expresses that children are only as hard as you make them and that he gets a lot of time off with his job (he does) and so would always be available to do childcare, freeing up time for me to still be able to do the things that I love, that make me, me. But I am not at all convinced. I have no doubt he would be a very hands on dad but I am not sure any amount of support I received from him would be enough.
This isn’t even about him, I love him but who knows what the future holds for us, irrespective of children. But if this isn’t something that would cause problems for us in our relationship, it’s going to be a problem for me at SOME POINT with whoever I am with.
Whenever I think of having a child I just get this dreadful sense of panic, bile rises up in my throat, I can’t breathe and some days, if someone is banging on about me having children, I feel like I can’t breathe, like I’m having a panic attack.
I just carry around this sense of guilt and worry all the time about not wanting children and not being maternal. It is always there in the background and is growing bigger as more and more of my friends announce engagements, pregnancies etc. It is soon going to become so poignant in my life and I don’t know how I’ll cope. I dread the days when my friends all turn into brood mares and don’t want to go out or do anything anymore and only talk about babies the whole time, I pray they don’t turn into these types.
I know I’m going to get shot down for this, but I think if more women were a bit more like celebrities in the fact that they still kept their identities post children, still had their careers, still cared about their looks, still went on nights out and had other things to talk about then maybe, to me (and probably a lot of other people) it all wouldn’t seem so bad. I appreciate that is a really stupid statement to make as these women have pots of money and entourages to help them in everyday life, but perhaps it would make motherhood seem more appealing. Too many women lose their identities and who THEY are when they have children. I never want to do that, I never want my husband to look elsewhere because I’ve become a frumpy, mundane, tired, haggard mess who only ever talks about babies and children.
AND BREATHE. Sorry if my thoughts have offended anyone, they are just that, my thoughts.
I am lucky, in that IF current OH and I do go the distance and end up married etc and I DO decide to take a risk and have a child (I would only ever have one, if any!) with him, he WOULD be very hands on and I know I would (hopefully) get SOME time to myself, if not a lot. He earns a decent wage too and is financially very secure so a nanny or au pair may not be out of the question. But it’s a big risk to take.
I am so glad I am not the only person who feels the way I do.