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Original poster

Think I'm going to have a termination :(

66 replies

pigletpants · 13/02/2009 10:48

Found out this morning that I am pg. Dh and I got a bit carried away just the once and stupidly I assumed it would be alright and decided to go on the mini pill to avoid taking any chances again. My periods are irregular and I am still breastfeeding, so thought it would be ok.

It wasn't and I got a positive test this morning.

I have a 3 year old and a 16 month old. Am due to go back to work full time and can't afford childcare for 3.

Things were just looking up, we are saving for a deposit on a house. We're in a tiny 2 bed rented house at the moment.

I'm devastated. Please be gentle with me.

OP posts:
mrsdisorganised · 13/02/2009 10:52

(((((hugs)))) I'm sorry everything has turned upside down for you, it must be tough trying to decide whats best. Good luck and I hope you get the support you really need. x

MamaG · 13/02/2009 10:54

This must have been a veyr hard decision for you to reach. Have you had some counselling?

You need to be 100% sure. I once heard that you never regret the baby you have, but you can regret the baby you don't which makes such sense. If its the right thing to do, you will be supported on here (I hope).

Have you looked into what you'd be entitled to with three children, tax credits etc?

When I got pregnant with my third, unexpectedly, I was in a total panic and thought it was a disaster. I had him 14 weeks ago and I'm so glad I did - once the initial panic wore off, I looked into how it could work for us and worked out finances etc.

Just be sure you're doing the right thing (as sure as you can be)

mrsdisorganised · 13/02/2009 10:57

MamaG good advice, glad some one can put into words what I was thinking.

Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 10:59

I only found out today. Am going to the doctors this afternoon, because I want it done early if I do go ahead. Nhs appointments can take a while, so I have time to think if I do change my mind.

I don't think we would cope.

OP posts:
MamaG · 13/02/2009 11:01

piglet, I didn't think we would cope either, but we have My children are older than yours though to be fair.

Do you have family nearby who could help?

Its interesting htat you have put this thread in mental health - please don't rush into anything.

MamaG · 13/02/2009 11:02

I think if you go to Doc for a termination, they send you for counselling first so thats a good first step. If you do go ahead, you'll know you did it with a "clear mind" iykwim

www.entitledto.co.uk might give you some idea of how much you could get for tax credits etc. Put your DC's ages as a year old and "pretend" you have a baby just born, so you can put a date of birth in. It might help.

MamaG · 13/02/2009 11:03

a year oldER, not a year old

oregonianabroad · 13/02/2009 11:04

I really feel for you. Had a scare at about the same time and, although I would like a third, I just knew I wouldn't be able to cope -- suddenly a termination seemed like a very real possibility, even though I would never have thought I would need to consider it.

It must be a very, very difficult decision for you. Only you can know what is best for you and your family.

Good luck.

Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:12

My family would be v negative about this. The car isn't big enough for three. I had PND with dd1, think I will sink again. It's not fair on the two I have.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 13/02/2009 11:13

Pp, I have recently been where you are. I was very positive that I wanted no more after dd was born 7 months ago. I also have a dd who is 5. I suffer alot in pregnancy, with Pre Eclampsia with dd1 & a whole host of other stuff with her & dd2.

Anyway, I asked my GP to refer me for sterilisation. He said that their policy was not to refer until baby was 1 yr. That any mother asking for something so final is often a new mother reacting to a traumatic birth. In truth I was a second time mother, reacting after a straight forward c section.

I had mine just 5 weeks ago 7 have to admit that I felt sheer relief when I woke up. Still do now, there wasn't a decision to make for me, I knew what I wanted & I am happy that I took that path.

I think it is ironic that will not sterilise me for a yr, but if dh was to be done he could have been after as little as 5 weeks after. He could have been done while i was pregnant with dd2! He would be too, but he has a huge dr & hospital phobia, which is why we decided that I would do it.

You do need to be 100% sure. I knew that 3 didn't figure in my life, no matter if we could afford it etc. I simply was not prepared to go through pregnancy & a c section again!

Good Luck, it is hard & it is a horrible place to be, I know!

differentnameforthis · 13/02/2009 11:18

I had mine just 5 weeks ago & have to admit

FAQinglovely · 13/02/2009 11:20

sorry that you're going through this.

Agree with the others advice.

And don't forget to fastward a year and a half (presuming you took 6 months maternity leave) when your 3yr old will be 4 (and heading off to school? or at least be in nursery for half the days) and you're 16 month old will be nearly 3 (scary I know) and almost eligble for the free part time nursery places too.

Hope you can come to a decision that you're happy with.

Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:20

Thanks for sharing your experience different name.

I wish I didn't have to make this decision.

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 13/02/2009 11:22

for you piglet. A terribly hard decision to make.

Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:22

My 3 year old is just 3 (well actually it is her 3rd birthday soon).

I wouldn't be able to go back full time if I continued with this. I'm part time at the moment and my boss has offered me full time in Sept. There wouldn't be an opportunity for me to go back full time again.

OP posts:
clarabell16 · 13/02/2009 11:25

Hmmmm, tough decision i think, on the one hand if you do have the termination you'll just go on as before - 2 children, due to go back fulltime etc, and on the other hand, if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, you will find a way to cope regardless.
I wouldnt panic, and try and get the full picture financially before you make any decisions if that is the main focus of why you would not want to continue with the pregnancy. Things can be a lot different in ten months - your 3 year old may be close to going full time in school, house prices may go down more etc. But if you really would not want another baby, it is a womans choice - your body.
Il put myself out there. Ive had 2 terminations - once when i was very young, father was a drug adled idiot who i thought was cool at the time. I feel sad about it but i was 100% sure and i havent regretted it. I had another 6 years ago with my dp for financial/practical reasons, no job/support, nowhere to live, but i was not fully 100%, and it has really haunted me, as we were in a very different position a year later.
After it sinks in you will know what is the best decision for you, but be 100% sure. Best of luck xx

differentnameforthis · 13/02/2009 11:26

I must have deleted a whole lot of my post!

I went on to say, after the dr refusing...that he gave me a script for the mini pill [I was feeding too], but I refused to take it after reading on here of the terrible side effects.

We used a condom & it must have split. The one & only time we did after dd2 came along & I was in the position that I so wanted to avoid. I was devestated. It rocked my world, literally! I never understood it when people say that they threw up after a trauma...I do now!

I am afraid that you will find lots of people on here saying that 3 isn't so bad, that you will cope etc. But please don't base your final decision on that. Please be 100% in your own mind without outside influence.

My mother kept me after deciding she had enough children [I was 3rd born] because she was pressured into it. She regretted it & has spent my lifetime regretting me, very openly. We no longer talk.

Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:28

Your post resonates with me different name. This was the only time we did it since dd2! It just seems so unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:29

My three year old will not start school for another two years.

OP posts:
Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:30

Thanks to everyone for your opinions.

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 13/02/2009 11:31

no - but if she's going to be 3 soon then she'll qualify for free (part time) nursery places at the start of the summer term. Which would ease the financial impact of the childcare.

differentnameforthis · 13/02/2009 11:37

[Before anyone jumps on me, I am not saying that anyone here is pressurising her, just sharing my mothers experience]

It is bloody hard, pp..I know! I am crying for you because I know exactly how you feel. All I wanted, from the moment I found out, was to not be pregnant anymore.

The way you pray to see clean knickers when you use the toilet when you are pregnant, was the way I prayed to see blood. I begged everytime that I would see blood.

But now, 5 weeks on & everything is normal. I don't feel any different. I feel well, normal...the way I felt for such a short time before the symptoms started again. And I am glad. The 4 weeks I waited for my termination were the longest of my life. I was horrible to live with! It totally ruined my first Christmas with dd2 as it over shadowed it the whole time...still my dr thinks he did the right thing by me....smug bastard!

Original poster
pigletpants · 13/02/2009 11:39

She will FAQ, that's true.

I'm being very selfish, I know we would find a way to do this, but it would still involve really struggling and I don't know if I can or want to. I know that sounds awful.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 13/02/2009 11:45

It doesn't sound awful at all!

You are allowed to be selfish, there is no rule saying that you have to have go ahead with the pregnancy!

We would have coped. I didn't want 3 as I said, partly probably because I was #3 & treated so badly, but also because it would mean a bigger house, so more rent. Or making my eldest 2 share, which now dd1 is at school is not ideal making her share with a 15 mth old. A bigger car. No holidays...the list was endless.

I did it mainly for my body but also because of the huge upheavel it would mean for my girls, I just wasn't happy about changing things so much for them.

FAQinglovely · 13/02/2009 11:45

I'm not trying to sway you to make a decision. Just (having been pg with DS3 totally unplanned, after a failed MAP in a rocky marriage in massive financial sh*t) I know how easy it can be to look at the "now" and imagine yourself with a new baby and older children at the age they are now rather than at the ages they'll be when you have the baby (iykwim).

Good luck with whatever decision you make.