Thats it. I have finally realised that I can't 'do' life anymore

[Titania]

yes me again.....don't really want replies, just need to vent

I have finally come to the conclusion I am a crap mum and crap wife (and don't say I'm not please). I am so fed up its unbelievable. DS1 has gone to a friends house to play. Its the first time I have ever let him go. DS2 is just screaming at me and so is DD cos I won't let her have chocolate, when her dinner is going to be ready in 5 minutes....ds1 hates me....he tells me he does. he backchats and throws things at me all the time. He has me in tears everyday.

we are so seriously in debt. The company who were supposed to be sorting it out for us has been promising to get it sorted within 2 weeks for the past 6 months. Now we are getting all the court summons'/baliffs calling etc and its just not funny anymore...not that it was in the first place but you know what I mean. I have rung the debt company and got mad with them so many times i've lost count....we are £28,000 in debt and we need it sorting....

I don't feel as though the cousellor I am seeing is actually doing anything constructive to help me. I tell her all my woes and she just listens and thats it....she doesn't suggest anyways to deal with situations.

I am having at least one panic attack a day.

I am fed up of feeling so lonely and isolated. I don't even feel as though I am on this planet anymore....like I am standing here looking at someone elses life...

I can't do it anymore. I can't be a mum and a wife....I have sat here all afternoon thinking that all of them would be better off without me....I could seriously pack my bags and leave now....I even found myself standing at the level crossing before waiting for the train to go by. It was a high speed train and I thought... 'I wonder how much it would really hurt if I stood in front of one of those'

I cry nearly all day almost every day. There is always something to go against me...always something going wrong....something to throw be back in the deep end....and now I feel like I am drowning....

All I want is a normal life and to be happy. My kids would be better off without me. So would dh....whats the point of them having me around if I can't be normal???? I have resigned myself to the fact that I am never going to feel right again.

I am sat here in tears now hoping to god that I kiss my kids goodnight for the last time tonight......

Tatiana, Mumsnet is a life line for many. I only came here recently and feel so much better about things. Ok, we are just writing on a page, but behind the writing is people, and from what i hve seen, they are people who have sense and sensibility and compassion. Please read all the responses to your present dilemma, thats what it is a DILEMMA. You WILL get through, you WONT stand in front of a train and your kids WILL love you no matter what. But most of all, love yourself and know you are worth loving and without your loving back, the world is just that much more cold. When you come through all this negative energy that seems to be happening, you will get to the other side and be so much stronger.

tell the debt company to take a running jump, and then go to the Citizens Advice Bureau - they can write all the relevant letters on your behalf and sort out a repayment schedule (for free !).

They would not be better off without you - but you all need help to get you back to being you.

titania it could be the ad's that are making you feel suicidal and very very low and i know how you feel, but you've got to realise that it will get better and just because these ones arnt working the way they should, doesnt mean none will.
also i never found counselling any good either, but i do now have a psychiatric nurse who comes round monthly and she has a conversation with me rather than just listening. she advises me on why i feel like i do and how i can try and resolve it.
my HV put her in touch with me so you could give yours a ring and hopefully they can do the same for you??

sob.......

I have tried ringing the numbers cod gave me. Everytime I end up putting the phone down cos I am in tears too much to be able to speak or I lose my bottle.

DH has been at home most of the week cos the doctor said he has got sciatica. We can't afford for him not to work but he was in so much pain. He is going back to work tomorrow but he isn't fit enough to go really. But we need the money so so badly he hasn't got a choice.....

So we are even more financially strained this week. I didn't pay the rent as it was last week The debt place are supposed to be sorting out this IVA but tbh I have had a gutful of them. I rang them on friday saying how fed up I was with them and they promised (yet again) to have it sorted. If we pull out with them now then we will have to pay them god knows how much for doing (the very little) that they have already done We are so far in debt we can barely afford to live at the moment. We are contemplating bankruptcy now......

I even sat here this afternoon looking through my life insurance policy to see if DH and the kids would get anything if I was to take my own life, but I couldn't find anything...at least if they did the debts would be cleared and DH would have the chance to find the kids a happier mummy more worthy of them

I am so fed up, lonely and I can't stop crying all the time. I have no energy or motivation

Sorry..........

The only thing that I am going to suggest is that you ask someone else to ring the number that Cod found for you. That way there is no bottling out. Is there someone who can do that for you? Your dh? A friend? One of us?

Message withdrawn

Titania, please ask someone to help. There are so many people here that want to help.

I will phone up that number for you. Please let me do that.

If you go bankrupt, then the debt management co. will just have to take it's share of what you have. as they know how skint you are, i doubt they would think it was worth taking you to court over any money the claim you owe them.

life insurance policies don't IIRC usually pay out for suicide.

you are aware of jmg1's story of how the death of his wife has affected him and his family. it's the depression that makes you feel that you are worthless, hence your life is unimportant. but that is not true. look at how sad you feel about your dad's death. that would be how your kids would feel.

titania - let me know if i can do anything to help too xxx

I know how much you love and adore your kids titania, and how much they adore you. You have to start pulling yourself out of this for them. You have so much support and love from everyone here. Let us help you, but most of all believe you can do this.

Love to you
xxx

Titania, listen to everyone - your kids need you too much for you to just end it without the biggest fight in history. You'd fight someone else to protect your kids - this time you have to fight depression for them.

Take any help you can get - I will do anything I can to help, you only have to ask (and for gods sake ask!!!). But do whatever you can to get through this.

titania you can email the samaritans if you find you can't talk to them here

Please get some help.

bumping.

Titania - there are a few of us already who will make that call for you.

you can also make an initial inquiry to the CMHT by e-mailing them - but they could take up to ten days to get back to you if you do it that way

Titania, if you don't want any of us to ring for you, wouldn't dh do it ???

Titania, I really feel for you. I've been in horrendous debt before and it's incredible how it affects every other part of your life - clouding over relationships especially. The stress it causes is indescribable. Thankfully we've managed to get out of debt now but we had some really desperate times when it seemed noone and nothing could help us and we were too humiliated to ask family for more help. I can remember feeling sick to my stomach every time one of those 'debt consolidation' adverts came on TV and having to actually change channel so I didn't have to listen to them.

Somehow we managed to pay off our debts and although we didn't use them, there is a company called National Debtline who may be able to help you. They offer free, independent advice and if you feel you can't speak to them on the phone you can email them through the website.

I don't know you but I know how being in debt can make you feel like you're a bad wife/mother because of the pressure it puts on you. I can remember it never being the right time to discuss money matters with DH - at the end of a busy day we just wanted to relax and enjoy each other's company, not get stressed about money and how little we had and how much we owed. And bringing up a young family makes it that much worse as you instinctively want to provide for your children.

There will be a way out - it might take years to pay off and you'll need to take control but if you speak to the right people I'm sure you'll find the right way to make your debt manageable but ultimately conquerable.

Please call someone, whether it's the CAB or National Debtline, immediately - you've made the first step and acknowledged that you're in difficulty, so many people (us included) bury their heads in the sand for too long.

Thinking of you and your family.

Titania im pasting what I wrote on your other thread, i hope you read thisI havent posted on here for a while, still struggling myself really, but determined to get there eventually, just wanted to send a hug to you Titania, we spoke on the phone yesterday and I hope I was of some help, I havent heard from you and wander if you called the doctor? I hope you did, I want you to get better, you are so young and I hate to see you feeling so desperate, unable to find any joy in anything, I want you to know what its like to just feel good about waking up in the morning, to realise that life is worth livivng. you have 3 beautiful children and you ARE a GOOD MOTHER and a good person, Titania you are a kind and loving person, you were there for me when I felt desperate, please make that step to get the help you deserve, and one day you will start living instaed of existing.{{{hugs}}}

for yesterday..read thursday

Thanks everyone. Just thought I should post and let you know that I am still on the planet. Well...physically anyway...mentally....I have no idea where I am. Had 3 panic attacks so far this morning. I am feeling so very weak. My chest is feeling constantly tight and I haven't stopped crying yet.... I am supposed to be going for my couselling later. Am thinking of postponing it though as I feel far too weak to leave the house today and the thought of it alone is making me feel giddy. There is so much I should be doing but I don't feel as though I can physically do any of it..... I feel so bloody useless.....

Try to get to the counsellor, they'll help you! Honest!

Titania- we haven't spoken on mn before but I do sympathise because I too have suffered from severe depression - and do you know what - I'm out of the other end and enjoying every day. It terrifies me now to think that I nearly threw in the towel. Sweetheart, you NEED to go for this counselling today. I can understand you feel weak but it has to be done... and you will feel so much better afterwards for having made that first step. Please do it - and good luck.

Is there anyway/anyone you could stay with for a break?

And ditto,drag yourself to the councellor!

I have just cancelled the appointment. I don't feel as though the cousellor is helping me in the way I need to be helped. DH has just rung to say he is in absolute agony at work (got sciatica) What are we supposed to do?? We can't afford for him to be off work ill but he can barely move. Not good considering he is working on a building site.... ds2 is asleep now. FIL took the other 2 to school for me. Thank goodness he is off work this week.....my head is thumping and I can barely see through my tears...

So sorry-home is best place right now.Has dh got any type of health insurance that would cover him if off??