I'm so scared he is going to die.

[VictorianSqualor]

I posted a thread in parenting yesterday about PND and have realised I've definitely got something wrong going on in my head.

I'm petrified that DS2 is going to die, or if not him then one of the other two and I'm not going to be able to prevent it because I've taken my eyes off the ball.

Right now I'm worrying that DD is going to get run over walking to school with her friend and her mum, once I know she is safe in school I'll be able to chill a bit, but then it will be one of the others.

I'm scared to go to the doctors and get it sorted though because if I do, I might stop feeling like this, and feeling like this might be because I need to keep an extra eye and stop which ever one of them is going to die.

I'm a mess and I don't know why it has come on so quickly, I was fine a few days ago, just a bit anxious about SIDS but not bad, now I can't stop crying and I spent last night awake watching DS to check he was breathing.

I really hate feeling like this but I don't see how I can get fixed without it stopping the healthy worry and just the over anxiety.

I'm just worried that if I go to the doctor I won't take as much notice as I am now, and they'll die, and then it will be my fault.

I don't want to sleep though. That's when babies die.

Didn't see your other thread, VS, but I'm guessing everyone told you to go the doctor. You know they're right, don't you? This level of anxiety is going to exhaust you - and, rationally, that's not great for eye-on-the-ball-ness.

if you're calmer & rested, you'll be able to take better care of them, dontcha think?

No, I don't. I think if I'm calmer and rested I'll relax too much and something will happen.

You must go and see the doctor. I suffered from anxiety after the birth of my baby, and when you feel like that (and also are exhausted probably) you just dont think rationally, everything gets out of proportion.

The CPN came out to see me several times and that really helped.

The ill and anxious part of you thinks that, but you know there is another part of you that realises that this thinking is extreme and isn't working for you, which is why you are posting. You know you need to see your doctor.
People make mistakes and are distracted when they are exhausted and upset, not so much when they are well, alert and relaxed.

VS "I think if I'm calmer and rested I'll relax too much and something will happen"

If you are over-tired you will NOT make the right decision in a crisis situation and THAT is dangerous.

Cross-posted. Hope you are getting help.

I know what you mean about Emmerdale.
I can't watch or read anything that is even slightly related to how I feel, I had to send DP to look up SIDS because I'm scared that typing it into google makes it more likely to happen.
I know it's stupid, but what if I do get better and it does happen?
How the hell would I deal with that?

I just keep thinking that I could cope with feeling like this until the risk of SIDS has gone, once he is old enough for it not to happen then I can get help and it will all be okay.
But on the other hand I know I need to stop feeling like this.

I sort of went through something similar when I was PG - I had OCD, and had a phobia of toxo and/or listeria harming my baby. At my worst, I felt there was no point in getting better - as all it would mean was me being slacker about handwashing/food etc. You seem to feel like you don't deserve to get better - that being better will mean more risk to your baby. But it doesn't work like that. Being in good mental health is better for your baby than being an anxious wreck. and being a sleep-deprived anxious wreck may mean your judgment is worse rather than better anyway, and certainly won't mean your baby has less of a SIDs risk. It's very unlikely that a baby in this country will die. Noone can say it's absolutely impossible - but we have to be aware of main risk factors, then just get on with living our lives as best we can.

It does happen though TC.
It may not be likely but it happens.
I feel like I'm grieving for him already but it hasn't even happened yet.

I felt like this badly about DS when he was first born and sometimes still do. some days i go through the whole scenario in my head, him dying, the funeral. how will i live without him?

I realised that it was not so much that i really expected him to die because it was likely to happen but that i expected him to because I didnt deserve to have such a beautiful child or to be so happy.

I finally started relaxing once I began to be a little less harsh on myself.

Not sure if that rings any bells or helps you...

I don't think I feel like I don't deserve it, maybe that nothing ever goes right for me so there must be something terrible waiting round the next corner.

oh VS, you poor love, thats sad. Can you go to your GP?

Maybe talking it over with someone professional might help you to see things differently?

That's the thing though, I don't dare go to the doctor.
I don't want to stop worrying, what if I'm meant to be this worried because otherwise he will die?

As a superstitious type of thing you mean?

Yeah, I suppose.
I feel like if I get it sorted I'll be on here posting 'see, I knew it, he's dead and it's all my fault'