I've just tipped over in front of DS (17)

[CandyCrushLevel14809]

I am under a huge amount of pressure at the moment.
DS knows this.
He does not see me phone Samaritans a few times a week to cry and offload (which allows me to reset).
I am doing my best to be a good Mother, but I've just tipped over with the pressure of what he's asking of me.
I monologued how unhappy I am. Doing a job I don't feel valued in, awaiting a job rejection tomorrow, trying to find a job before the end of the year (it's dominating every aspect of my life),I struggle to get out of bed, I feel completely inadequate as seemingly all DS's mates have parents able to take the kids to wherever they want to be at the drop of a hat. I am a lone parent.

I do have people checking in on me, but I have asked them not to talk about work. I don't know how many more rejections I can take.

You mean you told him how you feel? This is fine, he's a big lad now! What did he say? Is he planning on trying to help? The truth is you have as much right to be happy as anyone else. It's great that he is developing his empathy skills now. It will help him be a good friend, partner and father. It is okay for our nearly adult children to know we are not indestructible and have our own needs.

I don't want him to be scared about possibly losing our home. It's OK that he knows the pressure I'm under. I don't think it's OK for him to see my being unstable and falling apart.
I'm just back from a run. I spent the first 3 miles composing my suicide note to my boys. If I end my life the bank will take what they need to pay off my mortgage and then my sons will get something.
This would be better than me having to sell and then lose all the assets paying some rich landlord's mortgage. I've had my time and really want to leave something to my sons.

You need to see your GP as a matter of urgency. Yes, job dissatisfaction and rejections are tough to plod on with but they generally don’t leave a person composing suicide notes

see your doctor this week

Leave what? A lifetime of trauma and feeling like they weren’t good enough to make you stay?

Phone the Samaritans again and talk it out, it sounds like you are doing amazing and dealing with a lot. Don’t allow yourself to fantasise that suicide is in anyway a good option for your kids, it’s not, and you risk making them feel how you feel now.

They will want you more then a house and money .
I feel like a failure most days. Its really hard trying to keep on top of everything. But things will get better.
Dont feel bad for telling your child how you are feeling we all do it now and again. Its good they know the truth especially at 17 .

You talk about the pressure of what he’s asking of you, op. What is he asking?

If you end your life you will likely invalidate all of your insurance. Why would a life insurance policy pay out for suicide…people would just take it out then kill themselves. Unless you just mean that your home will be sold and the mortgage paid.

You would be better off selling your home yourself. Speak to your bank about the mortgage and getting breathing space. Sell the home at market rate (if you die it will not make as much) and then go and rent a smaller place, leave your equity in the bank to give you a cushion, and if needed then temporarily reduce your hours.

The job you hate? Do you have sick pay? You are clearly sick so you should get signed off if you can get paid while you do.

Medication, are you on it? Is it the right dose? Right medication? It doesn’t sound like it, call the GP.

Start a list right now of things you can do to make changes. Maybe they won’t work, but what if something does…committing suicide will change your child’s life forever, they will never get over it, you will not be doing them a favour. Think of how you would feel if they died? Well they will feel that way if you do. And they will question whether they could have been better, done more, anything so that you didn’t want to leave them.

You can get through this…but you need to take a first step.

I am on a 12 month fixed term contract (ends in Dec).
Despite the business doing well they won't renew. I was told in May. I sit through meetings where they talk about how healthy the business is, planning whole-team trips, how they value their staff. The work I do will be done by someone much cheaper in India.
I have been 'plodding on' since May. Spending hours and hours on job applications. Being rejected, ghosted, patronised by 'talent acquisition partners'. Each one knocks me back. I can't keep doing it.
I'm sick of people giving me advice as if I'm stupid or it's my own fault for not finding work because clearly I'm not trying hard enough - "have you looked on Linkedin?" "have you thought about applying where you used to work/the university/asking your contacts?".
So I am withdrawing from people.

OP, it’s going to be ok. Your sons love and need you, please go and see your GP. They will not be better off without you and you do not need to compose your suicide note.

Perhaps they are old enough to help
a little with the mortgage to help you keep the house as it will be for their benefit eventually?

Or perhaps the house can be sold an a smaller one bought to clear the mortgage.,

There is always a way OP, and you mustn’t take job rejection personally. The job market is so hard right now.

Do you want to share a little more of your situation to see if the combined wisdom of Mumsnet can help with some solutions?

xx

It's not about what he's asking - it's to be dropped off an hour away at the end of my working day. I do it all the time. I'm just exhausted by it.

The GP will say anti-Ds are the only thing that will help.
I don't want to take them.
I've been on them before. I don't really know if they helped, probably I suppose.
But I felt flat and nothing and it took months and months to get of them (Venlafaxine).
It's situational depression. If someone offers me a job I will be fine.

Rather than looking for jobs I actually think you need to be signed off sick if you’re suicidal and try and get some stability in terms of your long term perspective. Use the benefits calculator at turn2us to try some hypothetical anonymous scenarios. If you have to move, you have to move. That is not the end of the world. Not having you there would be devastating for your dc.

Does anyone ever find a job through linked in?

Ultimately, you will get by because life is like that. It can be absolutely gloriously fucking shit…but you still don’t starve and you manage.

But…you say about checking out so you leave them something, they absolutely do not want an inheritance more than they want a mum.

Go and rent somewhere, yes you lose what you’ve built, but without doing that they you don’t get to see your kids grow up, get married, live full lives. Save as much as you can of the equity while you get back on your feet…take time to find a new job because of the equity, just get something really simple in the meantime that brings a little bit in, temp agency etc…yes it isn’t going to give you job satisfaction or even a guaranteed wage, but right now you just need to get healthy first. The equity in your home will give you some time to do that.

I'm just so sad that running which has always, ALWAYS helped isn't doing so at the moment.
I did make myself go to running club on Thursday evening even though I'd been crying. I have good friends there. But the boost in mood is temporary.

Also wanted to add - take the anti depressants. My dh would not be here and would certainly not be able to work without them. He’s on citalopram 40mg long term.

Situational depression does not leave you suicidal, and if it does then you need meds.

Please don’t dismiss the idea of getting meds, especially when you are suicidal…there is no reason to die before trying meds that will make you feel better.

If it really were just about getting a job then you would know that once it happens you’ll be fine, in which case why kill yourself when eventually you will get a job. I know it is hard to see the logic when you feel like this but you need to try

I have raised 2 boys on my own. I have my little 2 bed terrace that is so nearly mine. It breaks my heart that because I can't find a job I may lose it.
It's not just the £ for the boys, it's what I've put all my years as a Mother into - providing for my little family, supporting myself, having a nice life, enjoyable things.
What's the point in struggling for the rest of my life? Not being able to do nice things. Call me shallow, but I want more than to sell my home and slowly see the assets dribble away, and not even on fun stuff...just getting by? Tell me...what is the point of that?

Hi, OP.

We're sorry to hear that things are feeling so difficult for you right now. We can see that another Mumsnetter has suggested reaching out to the Samaritans, and we'd encourage you to consider doing that if you feel able. We know that asking for help isn't always easy, but talking things through with someone can make a real difference. Please take good care of yourself, and remember that you don't have to face this on your own. We're thinking of you. 💐

Best wishes,
Faye
MNHQ.

Just adding to your previous post, the job market is brutal currently, please, please don’t take it personally. I have several former colleagues - well regarded, high performers - who have been out of work for between 18 months and 2 years.
One ended up driving an Uber and wrote about it on LinkedIn, which in fact led to a job.
I have received several personal messages from former colleagues on LinkedIn who are looking for work, some who shared CVs.

I recommend this approach - reconnecting personally with everyone you know on LinkedIn and letting them know you will available from next year with a brief summary of your experience and thanking them for bearing you in mind if they know of any vacancies. You could either include a CV and ask them to pass it along.

It’s going to be ok OP, it just doesn’t feel like it right now…

I have spent 8 months of the last 14 looking for work. How long is someone expected to go along with 'eventually'?

Honestly, please get some help. You are worried that offloading on your son was unfair but blithely talking about suicide as if that won't fuck them up for the rest of their life. You must be in a bad place that you can't see that. Please get some help and why not take some time off work especially if your contract is not being renewed.

one of my parents took their own life and it’s taken me nearly 10 years of therapy to get back to any semblance of being ok. Do not do this to your children. There were solutions to your current situation. Don’t choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Eventually is better than dead and leaving my children needing a lifetime of counselling.

You yourself said it was only depression because of the job and that it would be better when you got one…that was your logic for not taking anti depressants. Take the anti depressants whilst you wait for eventually to happen and you won’t be suicidal and may even find that eventually happens sooner because you are in a better place emotionally to actually interview and get a job.

*meant to say “are” not “were”

I have literally said I'm sick of people giving me advice as if I'm stupid, it just compounds my low feelings of self-worth.
I have connected with every one I know professionally.
I cannot be out of work for 2 years.

Now I will get accused of shouting down people who are only trying to help and with this attitude it's no wonder no one wants to give me a job.