I've just tipped over in front of DS (17)

[CandyCrushLevel14809]

I am under a huge amount of pressure at the moment.
DS knows this.
He does not see me phone Samaritans a few times a week to cry and offload (which allows me to reset).
I am doing my best to be a good Mother, but I've just tipped over with the pressure of what he's asking of me.
I monologued how unhappy I am. Doing a job I don't feel valued in, awaiting a job rejection tomorrow, trying to find a job before the end of the year (it's dominating every aspect of my life),I struggle to get out of bed, I feel completely inadequate as seemingly all DS's mates have parents able to take the kids to wherever they want to be at the drop of a hat. I am a lone parent.

I do have people checking in on me, but I have asked them not to talk about work. I don't know how many more rejections I can take.

Benefits exist for a reason. Speak to citizens advice now to see what you could claim if another job doesn't come up in time.

I have a job until the end of the year. I have found that CAB (because they are so busy) won't offer advice until I am in a particular situation.
I know what benefits I could claim. There is little help for people with mortgages. I won't get enough to pay my bills, never mind eat or other fripperies.

I have known since the end of May that my contract won't be renewed. My feelings are not a knee-jerk shock reaction, they have developed after months and months of rejections, despite my best efforts.

People keep saying the job market it tough, not to take it to heart etc etc. I have had my hopes raised with the 2 interviews I've had. That makes the fall harder.

@CandyCrushLevel14809 There are dozens of different medications so if some haven't worked don't write them all off. It takes time to find the right fit for you but is worth it. Also you can find out about therapy options at the same time.

@OtterlyAstounding
I mean that I'm scared that if I feel worse before I feel better then it might really tip me over - behave in an impulsive way when I get another rejection.

I just can't bear the thought of my assets slowly being given to a rich landlord, until I have nothing, THEN the state will support me. What would all my years of hard work been for?

@CandyCrushLevel14809Suicide is selfish because it destroys loved ones long term and leaves them more prone to suicide themselves. I assume that's not what you want for them.

If I end my life the bank will take what they need to pay off my mortgage and then my sons will get something.
This would be better than me having to sell and then lose all the assets paying some rich landlord's mortgage.

But you would just be passing what you don't want for yourself onto your son. He would lose all the assets paying some rich landlord's mortgage. If that's not good enough for you, why do you think it's good enough for him.

All you need to do is take the anti depressants. Why wouldn't you do that for him instead of abandoning him and leaving him behind to face all that trauma and grief?

If you take a mortgage brake, extend your term, go interest only you will protect your assets. Ok they are not your preferred option but better than no options. Everything is temporary

There may be some medications you can try – dissolvable fluoxetine, or lorezepam for bad moments – that are more for anxiety as well as depression, without major side effects.

What were you on before Venlafaxine? That's an SNRI, not an SSRI, and usually people will be trialled on several SSRIs before moving to that – it often works for people resistant to SSRIs, but I'd consider it a very heavy duty, harsh medication. Having been on it myself, I don't like what it did to my head, looking back.

Even medical cannabis or CBD oil can be good for levelling out emotions and finding your calm.

Some people work hard all their lives and can never afford to buy a house! It's got to be so frustrating, and must feel devastating to be facing this sudden, unfair situation, but you can weather it. You've given your sons a great childhood, I imagine – now you've got to be there for them as they navigate adulthood. That's so much more important than material success.

OP, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but have you tried handing your CV out to businesses? Not all jobs are visible. Could you do any job while you continue to look for a job that you have specialised in? Also, temp work through an agency to get your foot in the door at a new business? This will help to pay the mortgage while something better comes along. The new year could bring so much happiness and change for you, you just have to keep trying! By the end of next year you could be in a much better place and in a job that you absolutely love! Your boys really need you so try to keep your chin up. Take it one day at a time and try to stay positive. Speak to your GP and the Samaritans. They can help you! Also if you can, ask for a mortgage holiday, it will give you some breathing space. You could also speak to citizens advice to see what benefits you are entitled to and what can be put into place to help you. I’m sure next year will be so much happier for you. Just keep trying! 💐

You are massively losing sight of whats important in life.

That's the depression talking.

Love, family, friends, health and kindness. That's what matters in life.

Money, property, jobs and belongings are all transient and interchangeable.

Your boys don't want "inheritance" they want their mother.

I was on citalopram for a while, but don't think I was on a therapeutic dose (I was not in a great place). I switched to Venlafaxine while under the care of the eating disorder team. This was over 10 years ago.

I understand what you're saying, but love, family, friends, health and kindness won't pay my bills.

A home is where you are with your family. You and ds.and dc
You willget through it if you end up in a small rented flat together. It is not the worst thing.
Far worse for ds if you not there at all

So was I, after I was made redundant I took an admin job at barely over the minimum wage for 18 hours a week, then I managed to get another pt job at £15/hr for 10 hours/wk that I could fit round the other one. That then led onto a much better paid pt job and I eventually set up a business with the owner of the business where I was working 10 hours a week. Swallow your pride and do whatever you need to do to keep your house.
No one is saying it’s easy or fun but your kids would rather that than anything else. You have to do it for them. There’s also a certain freedom in being a self employed grunt, no real boss, no corporate crap, better than being on benefits and/or running down your savings in a b and b hotel or hostel.

You haven't answered my question about whether you are on or would consider HRT.

I am only 43 now. I have been on it for a year. It was a magic bullet that three different anti depressants were not. If hormones mat be a factor then try this first. If it is the answer you'll hopefully know quite quickly and if it isn't then, unlike the anti depressants, you can come straight off then with no side effects.

Also - what kind of work do you do?

Sorry, I wasn't purposely ignoring you.
No I am not on HRT. I am over 2 years post menopause.

I don't need advice on how to find work in my field.

I would suggest exploring other options, then.
Fluoxetine is a first line medication, but can be really good - and dissolvable fluox is great for immediately helping mood fluctuations worsened by the menstrual cycle and hormones. Lorazepam is something GPs are often more reluctant to prescribe as it's addictive, but that can be great if used sparingly for really low moods, just to help dull those intense feelings. There are loads of other options, and many of them are fairly gentle.

Whatever you do, don't take any irreversible steps that could destroy your children's lives. Even if you hit rock bottom and end up living in a shelter for months (and I really doubt things would get that bad!) you can come back and rebuild from that, and make a happy life, even if it wasn't what you planned for. You can't come back from death, and your children will always carry that burden and grief. Don't put that on them.

Hi I get it because I’ve also been suicidal over my housing and job loss this year and it’s not clear yet what will happen. What’s your mortgage each month and how many years have you got left on it? Benefits would pay you enough for the basics but not for the mortgage, is that right? So we need to find you ways of earning the mortgage amount that you don’t need to declare as earnings. It makes a big difference whether your mortgage is 2K a month or £300 or somewhere in between, but you need to break it down into smaller parts and have multiple side hustles for cash eg baby sitting, Vinted selling, etc so that each one has a target of £100/month and your son brings in a couple of them too. And if you really want to hold onto the house which it sounds like is very important to you then you might need to reconsider taking any job available like care, so that the gap the hustles have to add on top of universal credit is smaller.

I wasnt going to give you advice. I was going to see if I had heard of anything in my network and refer you, but I'm out. Good luck.

Thanks for the support today.

It's getting a little too much now:
what's my work, how much my mortgage is, sell things on Vinted, extend mortgage, that I'm selfish, and if I don't engage then people get fed up (fair enough).

It's not helpful for me so I'll bow out now.

If you would be interested in the civil service the agency Brook Street often have short term vacancies. It can be a useful way to a permanent position

Just a thought. I hope you will be ok.

No offence intended OP - people care and they want to help.
I really hope you can find a way out of this anxiety. There’s no need to assume that because someone tries to help they think you are stupid, no one thinks you are stupid.

These options are less awful than suicide though.