I've just tipped over in front of DS (17)

[CandyCrushLevel14809]

I am under a huge amount of pressure at the moment.
DS knows this.
He does not see me phone Samaritans a few times a week to cry and offload (which allows me to reset).
I am doing my best to be a good Mother, but I've just tipped over with the pressure of what he's asking of me.
I monologued how unhappy I am. Doing a job I don't feel valued in, awaiting a job rejection tomorrow, trying to find a job before the end of the year (it's dominating every aspect of my life),I struggle to get out of bed, I feel completely inadequate as seemingly all DS's mates have parents able to take the kids to wherever they want to be at the drop of a hat. I am a lone parent.

I do have people checking in on me, but I have asked them not to talk about work. I don't know how many more rejections I can take.

Thank you for your honestly and blunt words. They make me think.

Sweetheart your boys need YOU their wonderful mum, way more than any amount of money. Please keep going, things will get better.

I have a friend who does work with a charity for teenage kids who have had a parent take their own life, and when I see the films from these young people they break my heart.
They would do anything to have that parent back, anything.
I am not going to patronise you with job advice.
But please know your life is really, really valuable.
You are not alone, take the meds, and see if you can reach to an understanding friend at your running club.
I have felt as you do now, I could see no way out, but I’m really glad I stayed.
Your DS loves you and I bet you have other people who care about you.

Im really pleased it has. You’re welcome to private message me any time

If you went through with it and your sons found out it was potentially something they could have helped with ie contributing financially they would never forgive themselves or you. For a start you need to be open with them and tell what situation you’re in. How can people help if they don’t know

Neither son could help financially. One (27) has taken a while to find his feet post uni (covid years). He's happy and settled with a GF but on a low wage until he's finished his training.
DS2 (17) is in 6th form. He has a p/t job but that's for him. He helps by not asking for all the stuff we previously were able to afford.
They both know that things will unravel pretty quickly if I don't find work.

Thank you vipers. I do feel a little more calm. Sad, but able to get on with my day. I will think about getting some time off, but I'm not sure that would help. I'd probably just stay in bed.

Hey. No advice. Just solidarity. I was where you were last year. Single mum. Relationship just broke down. Contract ended and couldn't find another. Mental health on the fucking floor.

I'm still single, but im also still here and everything else got better. I found a job. My first ever permanent job and I am so happy there.

I got HRT which improved my mental health within a week. I was only 41, so it took years before a GP agreed to try that, but it was transformative.

Not sure of your age, but might that be something to consider?. The job hunting got a little less awful when I wasnt spending every night crying myself to sleep and walking the hall in despair. Staring at cars from the pavement and wondering if they were going fast enough to kill me.

Mostly I just wantednto say that I hear you - about all of it. I hate that my kids saw me like that. I am horrified at how low I got. I was right where you are. But it got better. It got better fasterbthan I imagined it could. Literally a year ago I was where you are. By the end of January I was healthy, employed, healing. Please hang on. Have faith.

I think if I was in your headspace I’d be getting my sons together and telling them I’m feeling suicidal and the reasons why. I would then hope that discussions would follow where as a unit you can come up with a way forward.
No parent wants to share their turmoil with their children but from experience I can 100% tell you I would rather my parent have shared their suicidal thoughts with me than the alternative. I wish every day I’d been given the opportunity to help and find a solution.

OP please talk to someone and get some help.

I was in a very bad place 10 years ago. My sons were 20 and 18. I honestly thought I and they would be better off if I killed myself.

I did go to the GP and was prescribed anti depressants (Citalopram). It got me through the next couple of years although I still wasn't completely well.

I then slowly started to improve. Now, I actively enjoy life again. I look back at that to me and feel sick about how close I came to ending my life, and how that would have destroyed my children.

Anyone who has lost a parent or loved one to suicide will tell you how awful the guilt and sense of loss are. Your sons need you. Please get some help.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago and it led to proper diagnosis and medical management of my bipolar disorder. Hitting a crisis was the best (and hardest) thing that happened to me. You can survive this just please see your GP. xx

@CandyCrushLevel14809 two things;

1. my mum died when I was a teen. It was horrible, traumatic and devastating. I am nearly 50 and there are still days the grief hits me. No amount of money or inheritance could ever, ever offset that loss. I would rather have been homeless on the streets with her if that had been an the alternative.
2. not all anti-depressants are equal and the right one for you won’t leave you feeling numb. I have been on a few different ones since pnd in my 20s flagged that I needed something to help. There’s no shame in it, try to think of it like it’s just one of the chemical imbalances that modern medicine can help with like an underactive thyroid or something. I think of my meds as being like a life jacket; I am still me, I still have to do the “work” to swim forwards/look after myself but when the waves get rough they help me keep my head above water. Please go back to your gp and see if they can help- surely it’s worth at least a try before giving everything up? Doesn’t matter if your depression is situational as you put it or otherwise, you need help and there’s absolutely no shame in that.

Please please don’t take a permanent approach to what will be a transient situation (even if it’s months or years til things stabilise and improve, that’s not forever). Just put one foot in front of the other, keep on keeping on and know that things will get better eventually, you are precious and you are needed. It’s not time to give up. 💐

@CandyCrushLevel14809 you have survived everything life has thrown st you thusfar. There is NOTHING that is so insurmountable that its worth killing yourself over. I promise things will get better.

If your willing to share more about your financial situation maybe I can help you work through it and see a way forward?

Life has a way of throwing these curveballs at us, but there is always ALWAYS a way through to the other side.

I would rather have been homeless on the streets with her if that had been an the alternative.

I am not strong enough to let things get to that stage and view it as a better option.
DS2 is nearly an adult so he wouldn't be on the streets with me, he'd find his own way.

I know there is no shame in anti-depressants and I have no problem understanding their need and use. I just don't want to go down that road.

I dont understand why? If you broke your leg would you not get it xrayed and plastered?

It's not the same.

It absolutely is the same. My mental health is just as valuable to me as my physical health. I cannot function if I do not support it. The same way I could not function correctly with a broken leg.

So I take the sertraline and I feel better.

You do not need to feel this way.

That's what I used to think.

I changed my mind and decided to try them when I asked myself why I was so opposed when they MIGHT help me and therefore my beautiful sons.

It was a "nothing to lose" situation.

I honestly can't explain how glad I am that I decided to take Citalopram. I genuinely think I would have killed myself without it. I love my boys so much, and over the past 10 years have seen them blossom into wonderful and amazing men. They would not have done that if I'd killed myself. I can see that now, although I couldn't at the time.

You love your children - please do anything you can to stay in their lives, for their sake if not for yours.

That's not what I meant, sorry.
I mean that the comparison with a broken leg is not a good one.
You can see a broken bone on an x-ray and usually there is a clear path way to recovery. That's not how anti-depressants work.
I know my MH is valuable.

I do not want to put myself through the maybe weeks of side-effects and of feeling worse before I might feel better.

But you are willing to write suicide notes for your boys whilst out running and co template that they are better off without you.

you are losing insight.

you need to see your GP.

you are driving all of your family down a deeper hole if you don’t. Your choice.

Talk to the Samaritans, see your GP, take antidepressants, do everything you can to not feel suicidal. The children I know whose parents have taken their own lives have been destroyed by it. They’d rather live in a grotty b and b than not have their mother.
If you have a car get a job driving for Evri or Amazon, ask for a mortgage holiday, switch to interest only, get a pub job, cut back on every possible bill now to save money, get signed off sick until the anti depressants kick in, there are solutions that don’t involve losing your house or killing yourself, but you can’t see that because you’re depressed.

The GP may well offer things other than anti depressants. But if they do recommend ADs not all come with horrid side effects or make you feel worse before you feel better. I’ve tried several. I’m now on fluoxetine. No side effects at all.

If you are suicidal you need to go down that road.

My parents went bankrupt when I was growing up and we lost our home. It was difficult at the time, but had no lasting effect on me.

I know three people who lost parents to suicide. Not one of them is fine as an adult. You don't get over that kind of grief, and I bet every one of them would swap stories with me in a heartbeat.

Benefits exist for a reason. Speak to citizens advice now to see what you could claim if another job doesn't come up in time. And please, please, please make an urgent appointment with your GP.

If you have a car get a job driving for Evri or Amazon, ask for a mortgage holiday, switch to interest only, get a pub job, cut back on every possible bill now to save money, get signed off sick until the anti depressants kick in, there are solutions that don’t involve losing your house or killing yourself, but you can’t see that because you’re depressed.

I am a professional with 30 years experience. Driving for Evri or Amazon depresses me. I already have cut back on many of life's pleasures. Mortgage 'holidays' just kick the can down the road (with interest).
Yes, I'm depressed. Those options sound bloody awful.

If you would seriously prefer to abandon both your sons for the rest of their lives – your younger one just as he's about to start out in the world, needs you, and could have his life utterly ruined by you committing suicide – rather than go through weeks (or months) of trialling different medications, ending up on benefits or finding another job, even selling the house and renting, etc...then you need to give yourself a good bloody shake. It's a sign of just how distorted and irrational your thinking has become thanks to your poor mental health. You need medication and help.

Ending up poor and renting is a lot better than having a dead mum who killed herself and left you both alone in the world because she couldn’t stand the idea of that.