Husbands food issues - I need help

[sunnypalmtrees]

I could write an essay on this but I’ll try to keep it brief.

My husband’s attitude towards food is making meal planning and writing a shopping list impossible. It is also making me anxious because it falls on me to then try and figure it out.

This has been an issue for about 3 or 4 years but I feel it’s getting worse.

He says he wants to eat healthy, balanced meals. I don’t disagree with this, but he can’t actually tell me what that is. He is self diagnosed with aphantasia, which in my basic understanding means he can’t visualise things. Maybe this is a barrier to him being able to suggest meals, I don’t know. He has also said that he has no interest in food and hasn’t done for a while which is also a factor.

We cook a lot, very rarely have takeaways or ready meals. I’ll try to summarise his main comments/opinions

• spay Bol is not a meal (and most pasta dishes), and adding a salad or vegetables to the side doesn’t make it any better because they are not part of the main food
• I make a garlic and paprika chicken (Jon Watts recipe) but he says it’s just chicken and a sauce and boiled vegetables. I said we can roast vegetables but he said that doesn’t make it any better
• Doing homemade chicken wraps/burgers with homemade fries and corn on the cob is no different to going to KFC. Just saying it’s homemade doesn’t make it any better
• I suggested making a hunters chicken, but he didn’t see the point cos you can just go to the local Wetherspoons and have that

It’s almost like his whole mood relies on what food he’s eating. He has said in the past that having things like homemade burgers is fine but it depends what else he’s eaten in the week as to whether it’s ok.

Many people have told me that he needs to do his own cooking and yes, I agree with this. But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him.

Meal planning is very stressful and leads to me getting defensive (especially when he reduces a meal to just chicken and a sauce) and frustrated with him and he then disengages even more. It also feels like it’s having a physical impact on me and I just feel a pit in my stomach when anyone asks what is for dinner, or for example like today - we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. We go round the cycle of me coming up with the ideas and him seemingly chasing this ‘unicorn meal’ that is going to make him feel well fed and wonderful, but he doesn’t know what this is.

Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, I’m not saying he needs to eat everything. But his ‘rules’ and ideas about food are becoming very restrictive. If he has a meal that hasn’t been satisfying he will dwell on it and it has in the past sent him into a spiral. If I eat something I haven’t enjoyed, I move on and don’t give it a second thought so I find it hard to understand his mindset.

I am looking for any suggestions as to where he can get help because I feel he has an issue with food. I’ve mentioned going to the GP but he’s very down on that saying it’s just a 5 min appt that won’t do anything. And the bottom line in his mind is what’s so difficult to understand about wanting to eat healthy, balanced meals. I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

I will also add that he was diagnosed with depression this year (probably had it for longer, but dismissed it) and is currently on anti-depressants but these food issues predate this. I am also a people pleaser which I know isn’t helping the situation, but I feel it’s a balancing act because if he’s in a mood because of food, then it’s something that impacts the whole family (2 children, 11 &13) and the children definitely pick up on his declining mood.

I feel quite alone in this and don’t see how things can change.

Well said!!!!

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions.

To give him his dues, when his mood is stable and he’s more positive he will cook and is quite keen to cook. We’ve had a couple of weeks recently where he’s been eating really well, hasn’t seem so bothered about food and he even suggested we had salad for dinner - this would have been unimaginable a year ago.

It definitely feels more than just being about food, I’ve long said it feels more like a mental health issue. It’s almost like something will de-rail him (in this case I think it was us doing a shopping list and then a couple of nights of food he doesn’t consider a meal (mac n cheese, chicken and rice)) and then he will spiral and then self-sabotage. But that’s for him to take the lead with addressing. I’ll be here to support him but I’m not going to mother him.

I’m standing firm and not pandering to him anymore, and trying to set boundaries. I’ll be concentrating on me and the children right now. I know this can’t go on any longer like this.

I’m assuming it’s been established he’s autistic op? My exh was diagnosed, but it was blatantly obvious, as it seems with your dh. This isn’t him being difficult but it’s still not your job to fix. He needs to deal with his own food issues. This isn’t about armchair diagnosing it’s about him understanding himself and dealing with it.

You're doing brilliantly @sunnypalmtrees . In the long run, you having a firm boundary will be better for him. All the discussion, prevarication, will I/won't I, will have been really bad for him. Knowing what the meal is in advance will help him get used to the idea and know it isn't up for discussion.

Can you just say, ‘I am making this for me and the kids. Do you want some? If not, help yourself to whatever is in the fridge’. He has made his eating restrictions your problem and is behaving like a toddler.

Having strong food preferences is ok up to a point - but changing your mind about if it’s allowed or not must be infuriating!

Absolutely this. It's not up to you to feed him like a child ,you are feeding into his depression/ eating disorder.

You cook, he eats or doesn't, up to him .

Bloody hell. He needs serious help, of the professional sort. There is no perfect meal or diet that’s going to make him feel better. That’s like expecting the perfect cup of tea to cure cancer.

You are giving too much of your time to this. Prepare what you consider to be healthy balanced meals. Put his name in the pot but don’t engage with any grumbles or complaints.
If he doesn’t like it then he can make his own meals instead.
You’re right though, these things are usually mental-health related.

Look: his covert threat to leave or self harm because you stopped pandering to his unreasonable demands is a very serious escalation. It should tell you that you are dealing with a very immature and fragile person who will lash out verbally when they think their needs aren’t being met. You have been so conditioned by this man to support him with his seeming needs around food that you can’t see the forest for the trees. He doesn’t have any normal coping skills for self regulation. He thinks he needs you to cater to him as much as a baby bird needs its mother to regurgitate food into its mouth.

For whatever developmental reason he thinks you not catering to him creates a life threat—really its an ego threat. So he is going to lash out in various ways to try to bring you back into compliance. Brace yourself.

Your children are starting to be old enough to get involved, OP, so you can help with modelling “normal” behaviour. Your husband can get on board or not or get help as he chooses.

Instagram is good, as you say, or maybe cookbooks you can leaf through. Get your kids to suggest a meal (a favourite or a new one from the books/online) and get them to help you make it. It doesn’t have to be every single day, it can be weekends or one day a week or whatever is practical. DH can join in either with helping them to cook their choice, or with choosing the meal plan. That might help him feel a bit more in control and there’s half a chance he’ll realise his behaviour is nasty and controlling if he does it to his kids (sadly I suspect he’s used to doing it to you).

It does sound like a MH thing but that doesn’t mean you must solve it. The most generous interpretation is that he has identified food as something he can control/fix and so it must be A Perfect Meal or everything else is wrong too. It could as easily be that traffic lights must be green on his commute or it to be a good day, or his clothes must have a particular feel for it to be a good day, or a particular sort of weather. It might help to think of it as his perfect meal is no more in your (or his) control than his perfect weather would be. It’s a sort of magical thinking taken to extremes. He needs more help (not from you! Medical/therapeutic) with his mental health, not his diet.

Simple solution you do your meals and he does his.

He is an adult!!!

Stop trying to please him when he is being so unreasonable. Say no.

It's not your job to fanny around a man child and his stupid demands and his stupid moods.

The best modelling you can do for your children is to show them they don’t have to accept being treated badly by an abusive, manipulative man.