Husbands food issues - I need help

[sunnypalmtrees]

I could write an essay on this but I’ll try to keep it brief.

My husband’s attitude towards food is making meal planning and writing a shopping list impossible. It is also making me anxious because it falls on me to then try and figure it out.

This has been an issue for about 3 or 4 years but I feel it’s getting worse.

He says he wants to eat healthy, balanced meals. I don’t disagree with this, but he can’t actually tell me what that is. He is self diagnosed with aphantasia, which in my basic understanding means he can’t visualise things. Maybe this is a barrier to him being able to suggest meals, I don’t know. He has also said that he has no interest in food and hasn’t done for a while which is also a factor.

We cook a lot, very rarely have takeaways or ready meals. I’ll try to summarise his main comments/opinions

• spay Bol is not a meal (and most pasta dishes), and adding a salad or vegetables to the side doesn’t make it any better because they are not part of the main food
• I make a garlic and paprika chicken (Jon Watts recipe) but he says it’s just chicken and a sauce and boiled vegetables. I said we can roast vegetables but he said that doesn’t make it any better
• Doing homemade chicken wraps/burgers with homemade fries and corn on the cob is no different to going to KFC. Just saying it’s homemade doesn’t make it any better
• I suggested making a hunters chicken, but he didn’t see the point cos you can just go to the local Wetherspoons and have that

It’s almost like his whole mood relies on what food he’s eating. He has said in the past that having things like homemade burgers is fine but it depends what else he’s eaten in the week as to whether it’s ok.

Many people have told me that he needs to do his own cooking and yes, I agree with this. But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him.

Meal planning is very stressful and leads to me getting defensive (especially when he reduces a meal to just chicken and a sauce) and frustrated with him and he then disengages even more. It also feels like it’s having a physical impact on me and I just feel a pit in my stomach when anyone asks what is for dinner, or for example like today - we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. We go round the cycle of me coming up with the ideas and him seemingly chasing this ‘unicorn meal’ that is going to make him feel well fed and wonderful, but he doesn’t know what this is.

Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, I’m not saying he needs to eat everything. But his ‘rules’ and ideas about food are becoming very restrictive. If he has a meal that hasn’t been satisfying he will dwell on it and it has in the past sent him into a spiral. If I eat something I haven’t enjoyed, I move on and don’t give it a second thought so I find it hard to understand his mindset.

I am looking for any suggestions as to where he can get help because I feel he has an issue with food. I’ve mentioned going to the GP but he’s very down on that saying it’s just a 5 min appt that won’t do anything. And the bottom line in his mind is what’s so difficult to understand about wanting to eat healthy, balanced meals. I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

I will also add that he was diagnosed with depression this year (probably had it for longer, but dismissed it) and is currently on anti-depressants but these food issues predate this. I am also a people pleaser which I know isn’t helping the situation, but I feel it’s a balancing act because if he’s in a mood because of food, then it’s something that impacts the whole family (2 children, 11 &13) and the children definitely pick up on his declining mood.

I feel quite alone in this and don’t see how things can change.

You do know that it's not your job to feed him, he's not a child.

Make what you want to eat and feel like cooking. Tell him, I'm making X, do you want some? If he eats it, fine. If not, have it for lunch the next day and he eats, or not, it's not up to you to care or feel guilty about.

I just wouldn't give this any headspace because it sounds like he's impossible to please and you'll just tie yourself in knots trying to do so. And he could well be doing this deliberately so being abusive, so be mindful of this.

"He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. "

You can't fix it OP, especially if he's not doing anything.

Focus on kids. He's an adult.

How is spag bol “not a meal”? What exactly is his definition of a meal?

To say your chicken dish is just chicken and a sauce and some veg, well, yes. What is he saying is wrong with that? He has successfully described a vast array of meals. Pretty much everything I cook could be summarised as some meat, some veg and a sauce.

But, I suspect that nothing you can cook will satisfy his requirements, and you are exhausting yourself trying. He’s going to have to sort himself out, and you’re going to have to be strong, and let him.

I agree with what so many others have said.

My diagnosis:
He is miserable and stressed so he wants you to be miserable and stressed too. He is more comfortable when your mood matches his.
He has devised this impossible task of creating a bonkers meal every night to stress you out.

You are a people pleaser and that is why he chose you.

My suggestion:
Stop trying to please him. You can't. Tell him that you are resigning from the game. It's over. From now on you are just going to cook a normal balanced family meal every night. (Eg spag bol and salad). If he doesn't want to eat it, you will freeze his portion for someone else to eat another day. He can make himself a cheese sandwich or go out and buy a ready meal.

Then stick to your guns.
If he whinges and moans tell him the marriage will be over if he carries on stressing you out over the family meal which should be a relaxing catch up time for you and the kids. Who does he think he is?

De-bunk the myths/nonsense that he is spouting. The fishes he is dismissing are meals. Would a plate like the one attached help?

is he a meat and potatoes traditionalist? What his family eat growing up. If so meat, veg and potatoes - swap with some fish options to reduce meat in take. I wouldn’t listen to his food complaints. Cater for you and the DC. Let him sulk
nutritionsource.hsph.harvard.edu/healthy-eating-plate/

This is a classic case of you can’t change his behaviour and it sounds like he doesn’t want to change his behaviour. You can only change the way you react to it. I would recommend counselling for you but that’s the only thing in your control here.

I agree with a poster above.

“Sorry - you need to treat him like you would a child - this is what I m making. You eat or you don’t. ”

You cook food, if he doesn't like it, he sorts himself out. if it’s frozen pizza, so be it. If he doesn’t like it, it’s his responsibility to come up with ideas of what he wants to eat.

What a thoroughly nasty man. How dare he question any meal you have been kind enough to make? Rude, horrible, and very possibly abusive since you say the whole house tiptoes around him. You are asking the wrong question. Divorce.

WTH?! Honestly, this has made my blood boil. How dare he make you tie yourself in knots to try to solve a problem he can neither articulate nor contribute to solving? His irrationality around food is out of control. You cannot help him. You are not equipped to deal with his mental health issues. The toughest of love applies here - he caters for himself until he can get his act together - with professional help if necessary.

If you can afford this, get him to sort himself out with a gusto or similar weekly box. He chooses what he wants (many many options are highlighted as healthy) and makes it. Even for x2 meals a week this would 1) give him full control of choice 2) he cooks for you as well. This wd cost about £34 a week for two meal for two people. The rest of the time the rule is he eats what is made for the family and makes no comment about its healthyness or not.

As others have already said, stop cooking for him and let him get on with it.

It makes me feel uncomfortable to just read it, so living in this atmosphere with these unattainable expectations and shifting goalposts sounds abusive. It smacks of controlling to me, keeping you on edge and trying to please, dismissing your efforts and acting helpless.

This self-diagnosed nonsense I wouldn't be putting up with. Just a stick to metaphorically beat you with.

It sounds like you've had enough. It must be hard for you and the kids to live with this. It would be a major turn-off for me. He sounds like another child.

Let him

let him find his own food
let him complain - ignore it
Let him be miserable
not your problem if he won’t help himself

and don’t be a people please that’s a choice and just describes being a martyr which is annoying .

Stop pandering to a man who believes you are not good enough for him.

I wouldn’t waste my breath discussing with him. Cook what you and the children like and if he doesn’t want it then he can cook for himself. It that means he eat as frozen pizza everyday then that’s up to him.

I appreciate you want to help him but it sounds as if you’ve really tried and he just puts barriers up. I’m a big believer in us all being responsible for ourselves. There’s so much info out there, it’s easy to find and educate yourself, he just sounds bloody minded and awkward. I can’t stand people who don’t try and help themselves.

Family life is all about compromise - and that includes him. He either helps with meal planning by providing positive suggestions - or he self caters for a week or two to ‘develop’ some ideas.
He sounds very controlling and you need to stop giving him so much headspace. No need to be argumentative- just bright and breezy that you’re out of ideas and so either he finds positive suggestions- or eats what you’ve planned without comment -or he cooks his own meals. The meals you suggest sound like normal, reasonable ideas.

" He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him. "

That's the key right there. Why should you be helping him if he won't help himself? Why should you feel guilty when it is him who is is being the massive pain in the arse?

I agree with this. Continue to make what you want to eat and he can have the option of eating it without complaint or making himself a pizza and you have his portion for lunch the following day.

stop engaging with trying to find meals that will please him as it seems nothing will.

This has nothing to do with food- it's about control. I can say that as my abusive ex did the same thing to me- and I recognise that knot of anxiety in the stomach.
It took me a long long time to realise that the point of the game is that you can NEVER WIN. If you ask what they want, they dont know but they only know what they dont want.
He is an adult and this is his choice. Let him live on frozen pizza- but he will keep whinging and whining about it. How is this affecting your children? The mood in the house must be awfully oppressive

Agree with everyone here
It's not your job to solve his food issues
Anyone having food cooked for them should be fucking grateful not a moaning minnie
Tell him the complaining stops today
You will cook what you and kids want, he can eat off he wants, otherwise he can sort himself out
But this is the last you ever want to hear about how your cooking isn't good enough

Time to put your own oxygen mask on first, OP. I’d just be cooking for
myself and kids going forward, let him eat frozen pizza.

Everything everyone has said here. It’s not your problem to solve. Cook your family meals and if he doesn’t want to eat them, well let him crack on and eat his frozen pizza.

Stop trying to get this “right” - you can’t, but you can take some control back and cook the meals you want and please stop pandering to your DH. He is not a small child and He won’t starve himself.

He sounds exhausting. Crack on with making whatever meals you want to eat. He can take it or leave it, but I wouldn't be listening to any criticisms or complaints.

Indeed. It’s a trick game you can never win. He can’t pick anything himself, you get it “wrong”, he has all these arbitrary rules (chicken and sauce and veg IS obviously proper cooking, home made food is better than KFC ffs) that keep changing, and you tie yourself in knots trying to find something healthy when his definition shifts from meal to meal.

I would go and buy 10 frozen pizzas for this graceless fool today and leave him to it. (A) it’s rude and (B) sets a dreadful example to your kids. Opt out of this game - it’s a fix.

What a fucking dick

Let him eat pizza and Wetherspoons.

You and the kids enjoy your home made spag Bol etc.

Jeeze. He’s abusive.

It’s a him problem not you. Also you don’t want your children picking up that this kind of being pandered to is normal. It’s not. If it’s the only battlefield in the marriage….then walk away from the cooking for him. If there are others….have a think.