Husbands food issues - I need help

[sunnypalmtrees]

I could write an essay on this but I’ll try to keep it brief.

My husband’s attitude towards food is making meal planning and writing a shopping list impossible. It is also making me anxious because it falls on me to then try and figure it out.

This has been an issue for about 3 or 4 years but I feel it’s getting worse.

He says he wants to eat healthy, balanced meals. I don’t disagree with this, but he can’t actually tell me what that is. He is self diagnosed with aphantasia, which in my basic understanding means he can’t visualise things. Maybe this is a barrier to him being able to suggest meals, I don’t know. He has also said that he has no interest in food and hasn’t done for a while which is also a factor.

We cook a lot, very rarely have takeaways or ready meals. I’ll try to summarise his main comments/opinions

• spay Bol is not a meal (and most pasta dishes), and adding a salad or vegetables to the side doesn’t make it any better because they are not part of the main food
• I make a garlic and paprika chicken (Jon Watts recipe) but he says it’s just chicken and a sauce and boiled vegetables. I said we can roast vegetables but he said that doesn’t make it any better
• Doing homemade chicken wraps/burgers with homemade fries and corn on the cob is no different to going to KFC. Just saying it’s homemade doesn’t make it any better
• I suggested making a hunters chicken, but he didn’t see the point cos you can just go to the local Wetherspoons and have that

It’s almost like his whole mood relies on what food he’s eating. He has said in the past that having things like homemade burgers is fine but it depends what else he’s eaten in the week as to whether it’s ok.

Many people have told me that he needs to do his own cooking and yes, I agree with this. But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him.

Meal planning is very stressful and leads to me getting defensive (especially when he reduces a meal to just chicken and a sauce) and frustrated with him and he then disengages even more. It also feels like it’s having a physical impact on me and I just feel a pit in my stomach when anyone asks what is for dinner, or for example like today - we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. We go round the cycle of me coming up with the ideas and him seemingly chasing this ‘unicorn meal’ that is going to make him feel well fed and wonderful, but he doesn’t know what this is.

Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, I’m not saying he needs to eat everything. But his ‘rules’ and ideas about food are becoming very restrictive. If he has a meal that hasn’t been satisfying he will dwell on it and it has in the past sent him into a spiral. If I eat something I haven’t enjoyed, I move on and don’t give it a second thought so I find it hard to understand his mindset.

I am looking for any suggestions as to where he can get help because I feel he has an issue with food. I’ve mentioned going to the GP but he’s very down on that saying it’s just a 5 min appt that won’t do anything. And the bottom line in his mind is what’s so difficult to understand about wanting to eat healthy, balanced meals. I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

I will also add that he was diagnosed with depression this year (probably had it for longer, but dismissed it) and is currently on anti-depressants but these food issues predate this. I am also a people pleaser which I know isn’t helping the situation, but I feel it’s a balancing act because if he’s in a mood because of food, then it’s something that impacts the whole family (2 children, 11 &13) and the children definitely pick up on his declining mood.

I feel quite alone in this and don’t see how things can change.

I haven’t read the entire thread, so I don’t know what’s been suggested. My take on this is that your DH is leading you a merry old dance. My advice is to stop completely, pandering to his ridiculous requests.

From now on shop and cook for you and the children and leave him to get on with his ridiculousness.

I would have stopped cooking for him years ago. What a Pratt.

I think he’s got you locked into a dynamic I call the “coconut shy”, where you are responsible for taking the initiative and making suggestions, and all he has to do is shoot them down. I would sit him down and tell him point blank that that’s stopping today. If he can’t articulate what he would like to eat - and take some responsibility for shopping for/cooking it - then you will choose one meal and cook it. If he doesn’t want to eat that, then he can make other arrangements for himself. No carping and complaining. No guilt-tripping. He’s an adult, he’s responsible for his own health and you are a woman, not a domestic appliance.

OP that’s so incredibly hard, I do sympathise.

But is it that he won’t eat what you make or just the commentary that’s frustrating you?

I ask because ultimately you’ve tried everything you can to support how he’s feeling and it sounds like you’re fine with making majority of the meals in this relationship. So keep making what caters for you and DCs and if he wants to make a backhanded comment so be it, but ultimately you get what you’re given. You need to remember you don’t just cook for him - you cook for yourself, you cook for DCs so his requirements cannot trump three other people’s.

As to his mood and how it impacts the rest of the family - completely valid. But you changing the food situation isn’t going to cure his depression and bad relationship with food because that’s what it is. He needs to seek external help on that front.

Stop making his meals for him? He's a grown man and can feed himself whatever he likes but he can't expect you to cater to him everytime. I make my husband food for when he's on a late shift but he doesn't expect it or complains about what I make him he's thankful for it! If he came home and I hadn't made him something then he would sort it out himself because he's an ADULT!

What’s your plan going forward op? I’m glad this thread has helped you.

the AI thing shines a big light on his behaviour being all about controlling you…

For gods sake. This is such an easily solved issue.

Tell him to spend half an hour Googling what constitutes a healthy balanced meal. And then get him to get AI to put together a weeks menus based on the criteria.

Then you can decide IF you want to cook the menus he's come up with.

You're not his servant. He's an adult regardless of his having a bit of an SEN. Put up (ideas) or shut up and eat junk pizza.

Nope - don’t do this.

His behaviour isn’t rational - he isn’t doing this because he lacks knowledge about nutrition. It’s just making the OP jump through more hoops like a circus animal and continuing to put the responsibility on to her to “solve” this - which she can’t and neither should she

Oh OP. You sound so lovely. It exhausted me just reading your initial post. You really do need take care of yourself.

My 20yo son is a little bit similar (but just very fussy and controlling with food). I have started telling him what we're eating in the evening so he has time to think it through. If he doesn't want it, I have a drawer of freezer food which he can cook himself.

I think you've had so many wise words on here but it's time to take the battle out of food and give him back responsibility for himself in this area. I think it's clearly become something he's fixated on with his mental health issues. Keep healthy food in the house (salads, veg, fruit, beans) so he always does have healthy options. Then it's up to him to recognise his food issues and get help with an eating disorder.

I’m trying to stick to my guns. I told him we’ve got x,y,z planned for the rest of the week. If you want to eat it, eat it, if you don’t then sort yourself out.

I even told him exactly what we would be having with a meal and he accused me of being aggressive. I said I needed to walk away from the conversation and then came the sulking from him.

He was going out this evening anyway, so he said he was going earlier. Then came the messages about if he drives off he’s not sure if he will come home, he doesn’t think I want him here and he can’t deal with it anymore. I told him not to drive if he didn’t feel safe, and to call the crisis team if he needed to.

We had talked about food earlier (just a repeat of our normal conversations) and he said he does know what he wants to eat but then couldn’t give me any examples.

I’m about to eat with the children and not give him any attention whilst he’s sulking.

Hold strong his behaviour is very controlling. You need to hold your boundaries firm good luck. I really couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that, you deserve someone who supports you as well he’s not a teenager but a grown adult.

He’s pushing back against your reasonable boundaries, OP. Don’t give in to his sulks, guilt trips and generally childish behaviour. He sounds an utter pain in the arse.

Wow. So he’s revealed himself. It’s not about food. It’s about control and making you run around after him.

what an utter pathetic piece of crap he is

Cook what you want to cook. He either eats it or he doesnt.

If he comments, say that he's free to cook himself something else and then just ignore him.

Tbh this won't be his only issue op. What does he actually add to your life?

Oh you poor thing!

Oh good grief OP. Just read your latest update. Honestly, leave the bastard. Life is too short for this shit.

Girl you've got patience, you tried. You can lead a horse to water and all that. Unless you're a mind reader, and even then, I'm not sure how you could of figured this one out. I didn't read all the replies but I read your comments, well done stepping back. It's easy to get into unhealthy patterns and not realise. Some people live off a very unhealthy diet and stay alive, he'll eat something. Brilliant turn around front your original post, well done 👍 🌞🌟

You're making changes, that's fabulous.

Stick with it. He sounds highly manipulative.

If he escalates and starts threatening to harm himself, stick with telling him it needs to be put in the hands of professionals, even if that means bypassing the crisis line and calling emergency services.

told him not to drive if he didn’t feel safe, and to call the crisis team if he needed to.

Absolutely the correct response.

I'd also recommend you go to your GP and explain what exactly is happening.
Explain the control, explain his moods and mental instability. Tell them everything.

This is totally abnormal behaviour and geniunely sounds worrying/ frightening for you and the children.

This is absolutely textbook. We have entered the “thumping the broken telly” phase of the dickhead’s playbook. His domestic appliance is malfunctioning. He knows you are beginning to find your spine and draw some sensible boundaries, so he will now pull out the big guns to force you back into line. Expect tears, threats of suicide or self-harm, extravagant declarations of existential hopelessness, chest pains…DO NOT concede an inch. He has conditioned you to accept his bullshit, and he is confused and furious that it hasn’t worked. Twat.

Ffs why do women put up with this shit?!

put your kids first and tell this useless lump to leave 🤷‍♀️

Is he really staging a mental health crisis about having to cook himself a frozen pizza cos he can’t actually say what he would like to eat? Good lord, you’re a patient woman OP….

That’s attention seeking op; yoire going to need to let him cry it out and not cave. As I think this whole thing is attention seeking.

he’s a grown man, he either eats what’s cooked or feeds himself. Your responsibility is to you and the kids, the latter is as he won’t do it, he will put his need for attention and go be pandered to, and for you to be struggling above his own children,

so hold firm, you’ve more to come, more drama as he ramps up the pressure on you. He needs to know it stops now.

I read a great line on here once which is very useful when keeping a boundary against someone who is determined to escalate / distract:

Thats not what we’re talking about now.

I am just telling you that I’ve got xyz planned and letting you know in case you’d like to sort something else out for you.

Then every time he tries to drama lama into
you don’t love me ill - that’s not what im talking about now, I’m telling you what’s for dinner.

Kind of takes the wind out of their sails

Also I suspect he left early so he could go get food. He’s probably sitting there with a McDonald’s. Seriously. He will the come in and pretend to be starving and call you abusive,