Husbands food issues - I need help

[sunnypalmtrees]

I could write an essay on this but I’ll try to keep it brief.

My husband’s attitude towards food is making meal planning and writing a shopping list impossible. It is also making me anxious because it falls on me to then try and figure it out.

This has been an issue for about 3 or 4 years but I feel it’s getting worse.

He says he wants to eat healthy, balanced meals. I don’t disagree with this, but he can’t actually tell me what that is. He is self diagnosed with aphantasia, which in my basic understanding means he can’t visualise things. Maybe this is a barrier to him being able to suggest meals, I don’t know. He has also said that he has no interest in food and hasn’t done for a while which is also a factor.

We cook a lot, very rarely have takeaways or ready meals. I’ll try to summarise his main comments/opinions

• spay Bol is not a meal (and most pasta dishes), and adding a salad or vegetables to the side doesn’t make it any better because they are not part of the main food
• I make a garlic and paprika chicken (Jon Watts recipe) but he says it’s just chicken and a sauce and boiled vegetables. I said we can roast vegetables but he said that doesn’t make it any better
• Doing homemade chicken wraps/burgers with homemade fries and corn on the cob is no different to going to KFC. Just saying it’s homemade doesn’t make it any better
• I suggested making a hunters chicken, but he didn’t see the point cos you can just go to the local Wetherspoons and have that

It’s almost like his whole mood relies on what food he’s eating. He has said in the past that having things like homemade burgers is fine but it depends what else he’s eaten in the week as to whether it’s ok.

Many people have told me that he needs to do his own cooking and yes, I agree with this. But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him.

Meal planning is very stressful and leads to me getting defensive (especially when he reduces a meal to just chicken and a sauce) and frustrated with him and he then disengages even more. It also feels like it’s having a physical impact on me and I just feel a pit in my stomach when anyone asks what is for dinner, or for example like today - we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. We go round the cycle of me coming up with the ideas and him seemingly chasing this ‘unicorn meal’ that is going to make him feel well fed and wonderful, but he doesn’t know what this is.

Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, I’m not saying he needs to eat everything. But his ‘rules’ and ideas about food are becoming very restrictive. If he has a meal that hasn’t been satisfying he will dwell on it and it has in the past sent him into a spiral. If I eat something I haven’t enjoyed, I move on and don’t give it a second thought so I find it hard to understand his mindset.

I am looking for any suggestions as to where he can get help because I feel he has an issue with food. I’ve mentioned going to the GP but he’s very down on that saying it’s just a 5 min appt that won’t do anything. And the bottom line in his mind is what’s so difficult to understand about wanting to eat healthy, balanced meals. I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

I will also add that he was diagnosed with depression this year (probably had it for longer, but dismissed it) and is currently on anti-depressants but these food issues predate this. I am also a people pleaser which I know isn’t helping the situation, but I feel it’s a balancing act because if he’s in a mood because of food, then it’s something that impacts the whole family (2 children, 11 &13) and the children definitely pick up on his declining mood.

I feel quite alone in this and don’t see how things can change.

I'm saying this very kindly but you need to get some help for yourself to understand why this bothers you so much. He's got you running around in circles trying to please him! And you probably never will. You are the one responsible for your own diet and that of your DC. (50% of the time maybe) You are not responsible for him. Please seek help in understanding why you are getting tied in knots by this frankly non issue.

Let him eat frozen pizza. He’s doing this as a way to have a go and complain, it’s not about the food. It’s a stick to beat you with.

If there’s something he absolutely won't eat (e.g. I do not touch blue cheese, because I do not think it is edible,) then I would avoid that, but otherwise, I'd focus on making healthy meals for myself and everyone else in the house. If he wants to eat it, great. If not, he will have to sort himself out or starve. He's not going to be appreciative whatever you do, so don't try and make him happy, focus on the others.

There are shades of grey in abusive behaviour. He might not consciously realise that this is abusive (although maybe he does and he enjoys it, you may never know) but it still is. We have all been served up a meal that disappointed us or we didn't like but as adults we know how to behave graciously about it. He is making a choice not to behave nicely, conscious or not.

Wow, you can’t go on like this. He needs to cook his own meals if he cant come up with a menu of what he actually wants to eat.
I would tell him his mental health issues are his own to fix & this issue is making YOU anxious & depressed & you are not sacrificing yourself/ pandering to his demands.
Drop the rope. Say it & mean it.
I expect there will be repercussions, with him blaming you, saying you are not supporting blablabla, you reply, “I have tried, I have children to care for & I am not going to make myself ill over this bullshit

He's wrongfooting you at every turn. Don't indulge it any more. He is not your child, he is a grown man and capable of shifting for himself, and you are not running a restaurant to cater to his whims.

Tell him to make his own

Your feeling guilty is the problem. Let him eat frozen pizza rather than expecting you to do the mental gymnastics, only to have him complain.

I am irritated on your behalf.

Oh my god - me too!!

I would be worried about the impact his behaviour has on my DC .

Disengage.

Calmly explain to him that you have tried to help but you have now run out of options. He is now in charge of his own meals.

Do not say anything else on the matter.

Well, he’s wrong about every one of the bullet points you listed. He can feel that way about food/meals but it’s his own hang ups not an objective fact about what you’re cooking.

As everyone else has said, just drop the rope on this. Meal plan for you and the children, and if he doesn’t like what you’ve cooked then tough. Don’t enter into any conversation where he is criticising what you’ve cooked. Just repeat a pre planned phrase, as other posters have suggested, and don’t engage with it.

You could have a stack of frozen pizza available for him if he really won’t eat what you’ve made.

Well he's got you completely where he wants you, hasn't he @sunnypalmtrees!
Why on earth are you pandering to this treatment . Let him feed himself, if he's out of sorts ignore him and let him get on with it . He's trained you to respond to him like Pavlov's dog and you can't see it . We can all see it here though, judging by the excellent responses you have received.

Spag bol without the spag. Serve it with sweet potato and tenderstem broccoli.

cottage pie with veg

chicken, rice and veg.

give him boring protein, carb and veg meals and let him get on with it.

I don’t think people get to comment on what they’re having for dinner if they’re not contributing though tbh. So honestly let the man obsessed with healthy dinners live on frozen pizza. This would be a dealbreaker for me, because ultimately he is criticising what you do but is infantilising himself. Ick.

How about getting him a cook book with pictures of the meals ( or he can look on line) where he can find a list of meals he classes as meals. ( I would get him to cook his own meals).

My autistic teenager often wants to eat something very specific but doesn't know herself what that is. I tolerate this from her and do my best to help her work out what she wants to eat on days like this (it's not every day). I'm not sure I could tolerate it from a partner though on an indefinite basis. It sounds like it's starting to effect your mental health and wellbeing. My DH doesn't like everything I cook but he likes not having to cook himself may of the time so he's never critical.

People like him only behave like this because someone enables it. He sounds like a manipulative arsehole.

Stop pandering to him. Tell him he either eats what you prepare, or he sorts himself out.

He sounds insufferable and I agree with a PP that this is not about food. He wants to pull you down with him. The answer lies solely with you. Only you can stop this abusive behaviour (and it is abusive). You have to be prepared to say no to him and deal with the consequences. If you can’t do that you will still be in the same miserable situation 5 years from now.

Make mince with mash, carrots and cabbage for a week or two every day until he grows up

or say what you plan and if he objects just make 3 portions

short term pain perhaps but either there is something else behind this that he needs to sort out or he’s a spilt brat who hasn’t got over the fact that life often sucks and isn’t perfect every day

it affecting you, it’s affecting the children , if he won’t fix this it’s on him

note I say it’s up to him to come on here as ask where he should go for help.

partly because if he expects you to sort it he won’t change and partly because it’s not your role

I find it hard to visualise things, it has absolutely no relation to meal planning! You don't need to see a meal in your mind to know what it consists of. If you said to me visualise a roast dinner, I would find it very hard to hold a picture of it in my mind (although I can very much imagine the texture and taste). But that doesn't mean I can't say it contains carrots, gravy, potatoes, meat, stuffing...or that I like it.

I have aphantasia and it in no way prevents being able to 'visualise' healthy meals - just look in a recipe book/online, they have the pictures for you!. Just because I don't think in pictures, I still know what food looks like and tastes like even if I can't fully see it in my head. I still know what vegetables exist and how to make a bechamel sauce and that I like Chinese and Indian food. My mum has it too and she makes the best cakes.

Neurodiversity also runs through our family and a lot of ND people have aphantasia (or the opposite where they only think in pictures ie Temple Grandin).
Is this more an ASD thing perhaps where he wants to eat healthily but actually just prefers the consistency of beige food and would like to live on pizza?

Whatever the case it is not your job to solve this for him. You are not his therapist and it is not up to you to control his moods. If you're doing the cooking then cook whatever healthy meal you like, if it's not up to his bizarre standards then he can make himself something. This is not your issue to try to solve.

When i was a kid my dad suggested to my mum that he didn't need a meat and 2 veg meal every night, he would be happy with beans on toast. After the 5th consecutive day of beans on toast, he changed his mind.
As others have said, it's no big deal to shop and cook separately. OH has been veggie for years, I'm not, so we've always eaten a bit differently to each other. For the last couple of years he's preferred to eat 5 or 6 small meals a day at what, to me, are weird times so we rarely eat together. The sky hasn't fallen in, it's fine.
Opt out of feeding him altogether. If he chooses daily frozen pizza that's on him, he's an adult and is responsible for his own health.

That was painful to read. I'd be tempted to just tell him to fuck off!

I couldn’t be doing with this crap. He’s acting like a toddler. Does he function in other areas? Does he work?! How does he choose his lunchtime sandwich?

I’d be putting a stop to this pronto on the basis that I do not want his bonkers and incorrect disordered ideas about food being passed on to the kids.

And yes, he sounds rude and controlling Fuck him and his “moods”