Husbands food issues - I need help

[sunnypalmtrees]

I could write an essay on this but I’ll try to keep it brief.

My husband’s attitude towards food is making meal planning and writing a shopping list impossible. It is also making me anxious because it falls on me to then try and figure it out.

This has been an issue for about 3 or 4 years but I feel it’s getting worse.

He says he wants to eat healthy, balanced meals. I don’t disagree with this, but he can’t actually tell me what that is. He is self diagnosed with aphantasia, which in my basic understanding means he can’t visualise things. Maybe this is a barrier to him being able to suggest meals, I don’t know. He has also said that he has no interest in food and hasn’t done for a while which is also a factor.

We cook a lot, very rarely have takeaways or ready meals. I’ll try to summarise his main comments/opinions

• spay Bol is not a meal (and most pasta dishes), and adding a salad or vegetables to the side doesn’t make it any better because they are not part of the main food
• I make a garlic and paprika chicken (Jon Watts recipe) but he says it’s just chicken and a sauce and boiled vegetables. I said we can roast vegetables but he said that doesn’t make it any better
• Doing homemade chicken wraps/burgers with homemade fries and corn on the cob is no different to going to KFC. Just saying it’s homemade doesn’t make it any better
• I suggested making a hunters chicken, but he didn’t see the point cos you can just go to the local Wetherspoons and have that

It’s almost like his whole mood relies on what food he’s eating. He has said in the past that having things like homemade burgers is fine but it depends what else he’s eaten in the week as to whether it’s ok.

Many people have told me that he needs to do his own cooking and yes, I agree with this. But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him.

Meal planning is very stressful and leads to me getting defensive (especially when he reduces a meal to just chicken and a sauce) and frustrated with him and he then disengages even more. It also feels like it’s having a physical impact on me and I just feel a pit in my stomach when anyone asks what is for dinner, or for example like today - we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. We go round the cycle of me coming up with the ideas and him seemingly chasing this ‘unicorn meal’ that is going to make him feel well fed and wonderful, but he doesn’t know what this is.

Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, I’m not saying he needs to eat everything. But his ‘rules’ and ideas about food are becoming very restrictive. If he has a meal that hasn’t been satisfying he will dwell on it and it has in the past sent him into a spiral. If I eat something I haven’t enjoyed, I move on and don’t give it a second thought so I find it hard to understand his mindset.

I am looking for any suggestions as to where he can get help because I feel he has an issue with food. I’ve mentioned going to the GP but he’s very down on that saying it’s just a 5 min appt that won’t do anything. And the bottom line in his mind is what’s so difficult to understand about wanting to eat healthy, balanced meals. I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

I will also add that he was diagnosed with depression this year (probably had it for longer, but dismissed it) and is currently on anti-depressants but these food issues predate this. I am also a people pleaser which I know isn’t helping the situation, but I feel it’s a balancing act because if he’s in a mood because of food, then it’s something that impacts the whole family (2 children, 11 &13) and the children definitely pick up on his declining mood.

I feel quite alone in this and don’t see how things can change.

Maybe get him to choose and buy his own healthy option ready meals (there’s even some healthier pizza options) and then you sort yourself and the kids without his input and he can choose whether or not he has what you have. Keep the extra portion of leftovers if not so you don’t even have to ask him. Unfortunately co-dependency can lead to a lot of resentment when one person has serious mental health issues that they aren’t ready to / won’t address themselves.

"But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza."

So he doesnt care about eating healthy meals, he cares about you cooking them. Honestly, it seems like he feels that your efforts in this area prove your devotion to him and that is what he actualy thrives on.

Let this man buy and cook his own food. You cook food for you and your kids. I bet you any money once you stop this cycle, he will just eat dinner like the rest of you.

It sounds as though he doesn't really have an understanding of what a healthy, balanced meal actually is. Maybe show him this NHS page which explains what we should be eating each day.
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/eat-well/food-guidelines-and-food-labels/the-eatwell-guide/

He is being very dismissive by saying something is just 'chicken with sauce'. The chicken is the main ingredient. Generally we add herbs, spices and sauces to make the protein source more flavoursome and interesting.

I think he needs some therapy to talk about his issues with food and to understand what is causing this anxiety. Your GP can refer him to the most appropriate expert. If my partner was like this but refused to seek help, or help with the meal planning (due to some cop-out self diagnosis) then I'd be considering my options. Meal planning is hard enough without having to deal with this on a daily basis.

Sounds really difficult OP. I would put a pile of recipe books in front of him or a recipes website and ask him to choose some options. I would also make clear to him that it is impacting your mental health and it’s not fair to put his issues onto you. He needs to cook some of the time and also take into consideration what all family members want to eat.

He’s your husband, not your son. His comments about your cooking are very rude. Let him make his own meals. You’re making a rod for your own back.

He sounds like an arsehole. I think it's you that needs support to see that he's taking the piss

I think he needs to be put in charge of cooking for the family for 2 evenings a week.

As it is he doesn't seem to understand

a) food
b) what is is "healthy" and how much that really matters (or not)

c) how much his behaviour stresses the cook

some of this is slightly childish on his behalf like the toddler who can cause havoc at meal times and have the whole family running around - also becoming a fixation, possibly related to his depression

He won’t help you, he won’t help himself, let him make himself the frozen pizza. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot with him and he isn’t trying at all so make what food you want but also buy frozen pizza which he can do himself. You may do all the cooking but why are you making this issue your responsibility to fix?

I am irritated on your behalf. If he knows what he doesn’t think is a proper meal then her must know what has does. He doesn’t nee to be able to visualise or imagine it there are literally thousands of books, magazines and websites he can look at to show what a meal could be.
He sounds like he has serious issues with food that he doesn’t recognise and won’t do anything about.
Stop enabling him.
I would make one last effort - sit him down, explain how deeply this is affecting you. Show him a range of recipes and get them do a 2 week meal plan. And then stick to it and ignore all moaning.
If in the end he really does just eat pizza then it is clearly nothing to do with healthy or balanced. It is about control.. he needs to see a professional.

You are pandering to his anxieties about food giving it far too much attention. Step back because his food issues shouldn't be impacting you to this extent.

The irritating fussiness is his problem but he is making it yours. He should really be cooking for himself.

Oh my God he's a nightmare and the harder you try to give him what he wants the harder he's going to make it impossible for you to do so. He says he can't visualize a healthy meal so get him to look at bbc good foods or Pinterest with you and choose some options for the week. Then if they're not good enough it's tough - he helped to pick them. Also, why isn't he shopping and cooking - why is it all on you?!

Do not discuss it with him at all anymore. Stop entertaining this BS. Put it in front of him, he can eat it or not.

This is a HIM problem not a you problem.

Honestly whatever the driver this is controlling and not okay.

However much of a people pleaser you are its not okay for him to inflict this on the kids.

Start cooking for 3 and tell him to sort himself out because you have no bloody clue what he wants and you are sick of this

"He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza."
Reread it and think about it. His behaviour is clearly controlling whether he intends it or not.

I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

It doesn't matter what he thinks the reality is this is bizarre behaviournehich isnt okay....
Just say you cant continue as you are...

we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

Literally say " I am cooking x for me and the kids. You need to sort yourself out."
Or "since you have no idea what you want and i am sick of youbbeing in a miodnehen i cook... i am taking the kids out we will be.back at 6. You can decide what we are having and prep and cook it for a change"

I am angry just reading this.

I have aphantasia it does not mean you get to act like a dickhead / can plan a meal / want to control your entire families mood via ever changing food based demands

Lots of people have aphantasia and it does not make them behave like this. It strikes me that this has become more your problem than his to fix. Why is that? He has set you an impossible task and it sounds like he spirals if you don't manage to make him happy with every meal, while simultaneously telling you there is no meal that will make him happy. It sounds awful and you are not going to fix it by devising the perfect menu. The only solution I can think of is stepping away from trying to fix this for him. At least you can focus on feeding you and the kids.

My DH and I happily eat separately he’s ND and sees food as fuel it’s functional and he gets stressed if he has to eat around others as his anxiety rockets. After years of trying to balance eating the same things together when we have different taste buds I just leave him to it now. It’s removed all the stress and anxiety and we’ve all happier. We don’t socialise over food. This may seem strange to some but we’ve happy. We chat walking the dog and having a coffee it works for us.
I also have two teenagers one whose older does lots of late night sports so they get dinner on a plate to heat up at 9-10pm. She also sees food as “fuel” to train. I eat with my younger teen also ND so prefers to eat alone. I would leave your DH to it and find what works for your family and connect & share love in your relationship in a different way as doing it via food isn’t working for you as a couple. Of course his behaviour sounds controlling and bullying to me which is not healthy if it’s a sign of other things not working well that you may want to sort out.

He is an adult, and a pretty rude one at that.

He clearly has issues around food. He probably needs some help with his mental health but has shown reluctance to see the gp. His choice, he is an adult. It's not your job to fix him. As someone said upthread, you tieing yourself in knots about it is not helping, it's just making him worse.

Have some boundaries op. I would personally cook what I want and he can like it or lump it. If he makes comments such as this isn't a real meal tell him to crack on and make his own food from now on. My dh was mega fussy when we met and for years he pushed food around the plate and spent ages picking out bits of onion etc but he is much less so now.

Sorry - you need to treat him like you would a child - this is what I m making. You eat or you don’t. He won’t starve himself. Tell him to see a GP but from herein you are not engaging.

Then just make the healthy meals that you and the kids eat - a variety of veg and salad with the meals over the week, a source of protein, and a variety of carbs - ie potatoes, pasta and rice - over the week. If he doesn’t like anything. He can buy and make his own - but do not engage anymore.

It is a form of coercive control - whether driven by an actual psychological issue over food or by his being an arsehole (or a combination of both) is irrelevant if he is a) not willing to speak to a GP and b) it is being used to manipulate and stress you. Your kids will be picking up on it and the impact can mean lifelong distorted relationships with food.

I grew up with an anorexic - food was incendiary, meal times a battle ground. I eventually had an ED myself and it has taken decades and having children of my own to renegotiate my relationship with meals and my body.

If he doesn’t buck up after a zero tolerance response - then it is ultimatum time - get therapy or get out. Harsh though that is, the way you are living is not sustainable and you need to put your own MH and the wellbeing of your kids first.

This!
This is not about food at all! This is about you not being good enough.

My very abusive ex would do this. None of my ideas were ever good enough but he never had any of his own. And the fact you feel responsible for doing this for him is a massive red flag. Why should you be helping him? He's a full grown man. It is not your responsibility to manage his food intake or his mood.

Why can he not cook for both of you?

Another self diagnosed man who wk t go to GP, likely as GP will shut him down.
Stop pandering to him, cook for you and your kids and let him sort himself out, my diagnosis is he’s an arsehole.

His behaviour and treatment of you and the DC (controlling about food, moods etc) is affecting the whole family.

It’s a big problem if he’s not acknowledging his MH issues and doing what he can about it.

just plan & cook what works for you and the DC. DH doesn’t like it, he can organise, cook and eat something else.

You say ‘we’ cook: does he?

Let him have his frozen pizzas then. You can't win in this situation. He's not a child, leave him to it.

DH became vegan a few years back and he said 'you don't have to cook for me'. He does not like cooking, does not enjoy it so he makes himself salads almost every day. Occasionally branching out to hummus and breads. I cook for me and the DCs and we eat at different times. It's never really been an issue. So I'd say let him make his frozen pizzas if he wants to. You crack on with what you need to do with the DCs. If it's really about a desire to eat healthily then he'll soon figure it out. If he's just being a controlling arsehole then you will soon figgure that out.

I would stop cooking for him also. But second to that, I would tell him that he is to make no more negative comments on the food you do make him. If he starts, I’d simply ignore, walk away. Do not give him any air time.

We have a lot of ND / food issues in our house.

As PP have said: have a convo with him and tell him he needs to buy and cook his own food from now on. You cook for you and your DC; if it is something he wants he can have some (and you save the extra portion if he doesn't want it and have it for lunch the next day you'll figure out quite quickly what he wants to do). You CANNOT deal with all his issues and continue to feed yourself and your kiddos that's hard enough without this BS on top of it.

My H doesn't eat the same food as us I stopped cooking for him a while ago. He now eats ready meals sometimes at the same time as us, sometimes at a different time. It's taken the heat and stress out of mealtimes completely. Happily we can afford to do that, which helps.

The only person who can change his behaviour or his thinking on this is him, and not you. Good luck OP x

Why do women feel guilty about everything? I never do.
He's a grown man and is responsible for his own food. If he doesnt want to eat what you've cooked he can sort himself out. End of.
Eat 20 pizzas a day for all anyone cares.
Id just make my own food and let him get on with it.