Husbands food issues - I need help

[sunnypalmtrees]

I could write an essay on this but I’ll try to keep it brief.

My husband’s attitude towards food is making meal planning and writing a shopping list impossible. It is also making me anxious because it falls on me to then try and figure it out.

This has been an issue for about 3 or 4 years but I feel it’s getting worse.

He says he wants to eat healthy, balanced meals. I don’t disagree with this, but he can’t actually tell me what that is. He is self diagnosed with aphantasia, which in my basic understanding means he can’t visualise things. Maybe this is a barrier to him being able to suggest meals, I don’t know. He has also said that he has no interest in food and hasn’t done for a while which is also a factor.

We cook a lot, very rarely have takeaways or ready meals. I’ll try to summarise his main comments/opinions

• spay Bol is not a meal (and most pasta dishes), and adding a salad or vegetables to the side doesn’t make it any better because they are not part of the main food
• I make a garlic and paprika chicken (Jon Watts recipe) but he says it’s just chicken and a sauce and boiled vegetables. I said we can roast vegetables but he said that doesn’t make it any better
• Doing homemade chicken wraps/burgers with homemade fries and corn on the cob is no different to going to KFC. Just saying it’s homemade doesn’t make it any better
• I suggested making a hunters chicken, but he didn’t see the point cos you can just go to the local Wetherspoons and have that

It’s almost like his whole mood relies on what food he’s eating. He has said in the past that having things like homemade burgers is fine but it depends what else he’s eaten in the week as to whether it’s ok.

Many people have told me that he needs to do his own cooking and yes, I agree with this. But it’s much easier said than done. He has made a comment in the past about if he did that he’d probably just have frozen pizza. Which then makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should be helping him.

Meal planning is very stressful and leads to me getting defensive (especially when he reduces a meal to just chicken and a sauce) and frustrated with him and he then disengages even more. It also feels like it’s having a physical impact on me and I just feel a pit in my stomach when anyone asks what is for dinner, or for example like today - we have no meal planned, but I know it’s going to be up to me to figure it out and I don’t know what to do.

He acknowledges that he can’t come up with ideas but hasn’t done anything to address this. We go round the cycle of me coming up with the ideas and him seemingly chasing this ‘unicorn meal’ that is going to make him feel well fed and wonderful, but he doesn’t know what this is.

Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, I’m not saying he needs to eat everything. But his ‘rules’ and ideas about food are becoming very restrictive. If he has a meal that hasn’t been satisfying he will dwell on it and it has in the past sent him into a spiral. If I eat something I haven’t enjoyed, I move on and don’t give it a second thought so I find it hard to understand his mindset.

I am looking for any suggestions as to where he can get help because I feel he has an issue with food. I’ve mentioned going to the GP but he’s very down on that saying it’s just a 5 min appt that won’t do anything. And the bottom line in his mind is what’s so difficult to understand about wanting to eat healthy, balanced meals. I genuinely don’t think he agrees that his meal ‘requirements’ are anything contentious.

I will also add that he was diagnosed with depression this year (probably had it for longer, but dismissed it) and is currently on anti-depressants but these food issues predate this. I am also a people pleaser which I know isn’t helping the situation, but I feel it’s a balancing act because if he’s in a mood because of food, then it’s something that impacts the whole family (2 children, 11 &13) and the children definitely pick up on his declining mood.

I feel quite alone in this and don’t see how things can change.

This.

He’s not another child; he’s an adult and he’s responsible for his own food intake. even if he can’t imagine what food will look like, there are photos for every recipe.

He’s got you running around after him, dancing to his tune and using up so your energy on him.

I’d stop that right now.

What’s the rest of your relationship like? Do you run around after him generally? does he share 50% of the load?

And if he gets moody related to food, he’s being emotionally abusive. You and the dc should not be walking on eggshells because of his ED/depression/whatever.

He’s not helping himself, and he should be.

The more threads I read on here, the more I realise what shit women are willing to put up with. Just stop shopping and cooking for him. Who cares if he just eats pizza?

And it is all because they are so desperate to be liked

He's a competent adult, I would treat him like one. He can take responsibility for himself.

Shortly after DH and I moved in together I had a moment of clarity. I was doing all the planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning up. He would always say it was up to me what we had, then he complained a few times. When I was constantly trying to guess what he wanted.
Fuck that. I told him he could sort himself out and have never looked back. Its not my job to feed him, or fix him, and its not yours either.

I am not quite sure why being able to visualise a meal on a plate helps ? We keep a list of dinners and just try to do something different to yesterday as it were

I had this problem for a while. This is how I fixed it:

”This is what I’m cooking tonight. Do you want some or are you sorting yourself out?”

Also works for other areas of your life.

For someone who claims to have no interest in food he certainly has a lot of opinions about it.

I'd put this back on him. Until he can clearly set out what he does want to eat/what he considers a healthy and acceptable meal then you don't want to hear another word about what he doesn't want to eat. If he's not happy with what you've made, cool, that means you've got leftovers and he can sort himself. No comparisons with takeaways/pub meals that would be significantly more expensive and less healthy than the home versions. Leave him his portion of the uncooked ingredients that went into the meal so he can construct his own "acceptable" version.

You need to tackle this now so his ideas don't affect your kids, and so that you afford yourself the same respect with which you're treating him. If you don't demand it, he won't give it. So, time for some rules and some tough love.

Longer term, it feels like he's using food as a proxy for broader dissatisfaction and would probably benefit from some therapy to get to the bottom of it.

But in the meantime, zero tolerance. Stop pandering. If he can't engage positively and constructively on food and meal planning, he doesn't get to engage negatively.

Completely agree. Why should you pander to this nonsense.

I have aphantasia, and don’t visualise food but I know what meal suggestions will taste like. I don’t reject DHs ideas out of hand- he cooks. All your meals sound healthy and he is being controlling.

Gosh it's like you have you have an extremely fussy child to deal with
In your shoes id stop giving it attention..produce a family meal .if he chooses to eat it , lovely,if he doesn't it's not your problem and don't engage with him about food.
He's being a dick ,tying you up in knots over his issue .
I absolutely wouldn't pander to this with a child or an adult
The more you try to help ,the more he makes it your problem
It's not your problem or your responsibility
You are going to have to get tough with him
Just stop any talk about food ,produce a meal.leave it on the table and stop any talk about food especially when you have spent time preparing it .
He's using the situation to control you ,and control the mood of the family

@sunnypalmtrees He obviously has no idea what "healthy eating" is, he's full of bullshit. I'm so sick of reading about various brands of "male depression", the major symptom of which is invariably making life totally untenable for their wives and kids. You will spend the rest of your life trying to please him and constantly fail. Then one day you will either explode or have a breakdown. So stop it now. Let him eat frozen pizza or go to Wetherspoons or shove it all up his arse because this is beyond ridiculous.

OMG he sounds like a nightmare! You cannot fix him or change him. As I know from bitter experience, people pleasing and enabling are very close to each other. You are not helping him, he needs to get help himself but instead he has you running around him and making suggestions after suggestion, basically validating his beliefs and behaviour. Why should he get help? Also your responsibility is to your children and they are being harmed by this. Let him eat frozen pizza. Cook meals for yourself and your children and eat in peace.

This. My MIL spent her life running round, excusing and enabling late FIL. She has a strained relationship with both her children, neither of them were that keen to visit her once they had left home until FIL died. It has largely contributed to my STBX DH's own MH problems.

You are enabling this situation OP. Only you will know why. Working out why will help you to change things.

I went through this for years with my ex-h, you can’t fix this or out cook it. You need to stop behaving like his mum and let him sort his own food. Now I’ve left my ex he eats takeaway for dinner every night. That’s how he’s managed it, your dh will do something to manage it too.

Get him to have a conversation with chat GPt about it to come up with some ideas. He could type in exactly what he’s thinking: I want healthy balanced meals, I don’t consider spaghetti bolognese a proper meal because it’s just pasta and sauce and putting salad on the side feels like an add on that doesn’t. Hunters chicken is something I can just get from the pub, I like it but don’t want it at home……..” and see what it suggests.

He might get some ideas you can work with and you won’t have to listen to him whiter on about it or think of the meals.

I just wanted to say thank you to each and every reply, I really do appreciate it.

I think some of what has been said isn’t a surprise, but I’ve just struggled to acknowledge it. I have definitely taken on board the comments about me enabling this behaviour. Time to put my brave girl pants on and be firm!

I do worry about the impact on the children. They are both good with their food and trying things at the moment, but I know this could change the longer they are exposed to this. If I can’t do it for myself, I need to do it for them. I had a great childhood and food wasn’t an issue; we ate food, we enjoyed food and sometimes…shock horror…we would have cereal for dinner or a picky tea!!!

I’m grateful to those with aphantasia who have commented. I don’t know anyone else with it so it has been very helpful to hear your experiences.

I love looking at people cooking on instagram so I think that’s what I’m going to do and not feel like I have to please him. He can sort himself out if he doesn’t want to eat what I’ve cooked!

@InfoSecInTheCity - you couldn’t make this up but we had tried AI. Putting all of his requirements in and his thoughts, we got a 6 week meal plan and he dismissed probably 90% of them. I’m surprised he didn’t break the whole AI system!

This has been a very big wake up call and has probably gone some way to saving my sanity, so thank you all once again

I genuinely think this behaviour would push me over the edge. I could hardly read your OP for my own irritation.

I'm glad you've had some helpful responses here OP.

You must really love your DH or have the patience of a saint.

Only idea I could add is to ask AI to write a short education piece about what’s healthy and balanced and the difference between UPF (KFC shite) and your lovely homemade version.

Would he pay any attention to that do you think??

Healthy meals are the least of his issues, this is not a healthy person, or a healthy relationship for you to be in.

I would make a meal plan and show him it, if he doesn’t want those meals or to make other suggestions / step in and cook, he’s on his own!

I have a DC who’s quite particular about food, I mostly cater to her, but is she comes unannounced eg was suppose to be at her dads and she doesn’t like what I’m cooking, she makes herself beans on toast or similar.

@sunnypalmtrees My dh can be picky about what he wants to eat- that's why he takes care of his own meal. He buys frozen ready healthy meals he likes and often do omelettes/fish and veg /shrimp salads for himself. I cook for me and the kids. I think your dh is using his "pickiness" to be abusive- tell him he's on his own like a big boy. No more enabling this nasty behaviour.

I have no time for anyone who diagnoses themselves with anything.

It’s amazing the amount of conditions which have been invented to explain away people’s twattish behaviour.

If he’s telling you he’d eat frozen pizza then clearly this has nothing to do with wanting to eat healthily and everything to do with control.

I would be brutal and say to him his fads (and yes, they’re fads, diagnosis indeed) are not your problem. This is what’s on the menu, if he doesn’t like it he can cook, clean up after, and pay for himself. Or starve.

Stop pandering to him.

I have no time for anyone who diagnoses themselves with anything.

Nor do I. My sister in law has new, self-diagnosed, food intolerance every month. So boring.