PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

Ok then I’m very worried because your recent post indicate someone very very much on the edge. Have you taken them out? Got fresh air? Been able to engage with them?

I believe she is staying with a friend who I’m sure is keeping an eye and lending support. Is that right, @Forevertrappedhere?

Well it would seem all isn’t good with the friend situation either as alluded to this morning

In what way? What’s the friend situation?

Like I said earlier @Forevertrappedhere, there will always be some people who simply can’t just be supportive. Try not get upset, many people don’t understand. Some do.

Yes to all three. My recent posts are much calmer. I was much more of a wreck Wed/Thur. Yes I have been crying and its obvious. Yes I have sat and said I am sad about some things but that its ok to be sad sometimes etc. Yes I have been more reactive then I like. Yes they had 3 hours of TV today. However we have been to the library and the park today as well as the local mall to return some bits. Me elder DC has done his homework. I cooked a proper dinner (korean rose prawn linguine). We have read The Magic Faraway Tree as our together reading, trying to finish before we go and watch it next week.

I feel like im dying inside. I vomited my dinner up, and only ate a few mouthfuls to start. My hands constantly shake. I am functioning for the children. I will be going to bed with them at 7:30pm and staring at the ceiling most of the night. Tomorrow we are swimming and going to our allotment

I am doing my best

I was with a friend for a few days but we have been home since Thursday night. They are local and I have spoken to both of the two supportive ones daily

Where were you yesterday evening if still away?

Then you are ignorant and incapable of comprehending what you are reading. Its been a week? I have got the children back in routine, I am in the middle of a police investigation, I have concussion as well as various bruises, I still cant see properly. I am beyond devastated. I am verging on a breakdown but I am not, and never have, wallowed. You are shameful. Seeking an outlet to share my struggles and seeking external advice, as my brain is so so broken from the trauma bond, doesnt mean I am just moping.

I have REPEATEDLY explained that when I am triggered by the trauma bond, in that moment, going back DOES feel like the right thing etc. And that is partly why I am so stressed. And that is WHY i am posting here constantly, to try and keep my head straight.

Wallowing would be the opposite.

I meant away from the abuser. As in I hadnt gone silent because I had gone back to him

What would you suggest? You have asked a lot of questions and made some random aspersions - what would your exact advice be?

Most of what youve written is vastly incorrect and doesnt tally with what I have said or written.

@Forevertrappedhere if all you do is talk to us on here and keep away from your ex then that is winning. Every day you stay away from him and his toxicity is you winning. You are winning for you and your kids.

You are doing amazingly. You have got away and stayed away. You can keep going. Keep talking to us. Ignore the people who are being unhelpful.

Is there anything you could do to help you sleep? I sometimes find putting a scientific audiobook on can help. They are usually in a fairly monotonous voice, but are interesting enough to stop my mind going to problematic things. I leave them playing all night if I have to. Sometimes I'll put one of those on my smartspeaker and white noise or a river soundscape or similar on my phone if I am really desperate.

I also like Paul McKenna's sleep hypnosis on YouTube. If you add it to a playlist on its own you can play that without it trying to autoplay other things afterwards I think.

@ForevertrappedhereOne thing I learned in my journey to freedom and escape from abuse is ‘don’t feed the flame’. Whether that be the abuser or the others who fail to support you. Don’t engage with the posters on here who accuse and attack. It’s almost unbelievable that they can be so callous but human behaviour dictates there will be unkind people out there in the world. Please just ignore them and don’t give in to the urge to respond and bite back. Don’t feed the flame. Ignore them and only react to the posters with supportive and positive comments.

You are right, I always feel I have to defend myself if falsely accused. I shouldnt have bothered though.

Just about to head to the allotment. I feel very very lonely.

Good that you’re up and about and keeping busy. Feeling lonely is entirely understandable. But you are not alone. You have friends. You have supportive people on here. He is not your friend. He is not your support. He is your early death. He is your probable murderer if you give in to those feelings. One step at a time. Keep going. You are being much stronger than you think.

You are doing extremely well OP, some very good advice about not feeding the flame from a PP. Try to stay strong x

I’m sure you mean well, Untold, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve read all the posts and your barrage of questions is not the most helpful. OP is struggling, which is to be expected, but she is looking after the kids, they are doing fine. Putting one foot in front of the other is all she can do in these early days.

How are you managing with work at the moment @Forevertrappedhere ?

Hi OP, just catching up with your thread since you have updated. First of all well done for telling someone. That first step feels impossible and even though you said you weren't ready- honestly no one ever is. A few practical bits I thought might help and sorry if you already have these on the go-
-SS involvement - is this children's or adults? If children's only refer yourself to Adults under safeguarding concerns. You refer to being disabled and you are at risk of abuse so may benefit from support through a safeguarding enquiry.
-Have the police completed a domestic abuse risk assessment with you? They would have asked you a set of questions about your partners behavior. If they have did they say whether they would refer you to MARAC? This is a multi agency domestic abuse risk assessment conference attended by NHS, ss, police and housing. It sounds daunting but it can be very positive as it makes sure all agencies are working with you and risks are being managed.
-do you have an IDVA? This is an independent domestic violence advocate and they are really helpful in linking you in with services, free legal advice, finance help and safety planning

• has he been arrested yet? If he gets released with bail conditions please check this covers direct and indirect contact and if he breaches please please report him. So many people have their exes get people to contact them and don't realise it's indirect contact.

I saw you said you are worried about his mental health. Easy to say but please remember you are not responsible for the behaviour, mental health, choices and decisions of other people. There are so many neurodiverse people in the world and they don't manage their fatigue, burn out and dysregulatuon by emotionally and physically abusing and manipulating those around them.

Each day that passes it will get easier OP and it sounds like you are being proactive in reaching out for support.

What are you growing in your allotment? It's been very dry here, which has slowed everything down, although the weeds still manage to keep growing!