PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

Even if you accept his logic it isn't legal to kill your dw. Which he will do. Think long and hard about him having your dc ALONE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
RING 999
..IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A DM TO PROTECT YOUR DC.
IF YOU YOURSELF WANT TO DIE DO YOUR DC DESERVE HIM 24/7 OR BEING IN CARE IF HE IS JAILED?

My god there’s children living in this horror home

Me

I’ve only read some of your first post, to be honest I’m shocked for you, that you’ve had to put up with this extreme abuse, because that is what it is. In turn he is abusing your children. I promise if you reach out to the police they will believe you and take action. I understand the guilt associated with involving the police, but the guilt is not yours. The abuse is escalating and you have a duty of care to protect your children. Once you call the police and make a statement I promise you will not be alone. You feel alone at the moment as the abuse is ‘hidden’. ADHD is not causing the abuse, he has a choice and he has chosen to abuse you and in turn your children. Please be an advocate for the children by making a statement to the police, if you don’t I guarantee someone else will and you could eventually loose your children. When you feel conflicted please think of your children and the effect on them living in this environment. Be strong now, I agree the next time he could kill you. Please also confide in your family and friends xx

You NEED to get away from him
You are going to have to do this, ring womens aid. Go to A&E and tell them everything. You have a choice, your children don't.

You got out before. You can do it again. You must. Your children are depending on you.

I know there is nothing easy about any of this. The abuse you have suffered has made you believe things that you know objectively aren’t true. It’s one of the most insidious things about prolonged abuse.

I wish I knew the right words to convince you that you deserve a better life, one that is free of abuse. But it’s true. You and your children should have a safe, calm, happy life. It’s within your grasp.

At some point if one of your children discloses what is happening at home to someone then the decision may be taken out of your hands and your children could be removed from the home and taken out of your care if you refuse to stay away from your abuser.

That would be such a worse upheaval for them (although in the long term safer) than them leaving with you and adjusting to life in a safe, quiet home with you while he is in custody where he belongs.

He may have been a victim of trauma in the past, but HE IS NOT THE VICTIM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. His trauma is not an excuse for what he has done and continues to do to you. There is no trauma he has experienced that justifies what he is doing to you.

I know it’s not easy and you probably don’t believe this, because he has conditioned you not to, but you deserve so much more.
So do your children.
Please tell someone so that they can help you get out. Your children need you.

You want someone who understands. Lots of us do. There is absolutely no torture worse than the kind you can put YOURSELF through mentally. The mind is an amazing thing, and it’s able to make you very, very sick when you’re experiencing such high stress for so long.

You need to stop thinking of this as just DV. It’s much more like a hostage situation, and your own brain is conspiring with your husband/partner against you. You feel confused and shattered into a million pieces, yes? It’s like a hostage who starts to sympathize with their jailer; your brain is telling you all kind of things to try to force you to survive this since it figures that’s the only option if you’re not leaving.

Love, it will kill you. He will kill you. Your children need you to stay alive; no one will ever be able to replace their mum. And it sounds like you are able to go to supportive family while awaiting council support, instead of being in a hostel.

But you must connect with 999 and Women’s Aid. Today. You could have a very serious head injury and not realize it; I saw someone who thought they just had a concussion, and turned out to have a skull fracture. Please, call 999 and call them now. If you can’t sit up without puking, grab the children and go to a neighbour. Any neighbour. If a woman with raccoon eyes and children who needed an ambulance showed up on my doorstep, I’d open the door in a heartbeat.

It took everything I had to escape my ex and I almost killed myself. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

If you need help calling 999, please return to this thread and I’m sure most of us would be happy to help you take that initial step. But if you’re puking when you sit up, it’s 999 time right now.

YOU DESERVE SAFETY. YOU DESERVE PEACE. And personally, I feel your GP is 100% wrong about meds not helping. You don’t have to have them, no, but they can absolutely make this initial step easier. If you have that sick, shaky feeling with your heart racing, it might be helped temporarily by a beta blocker like propranolol, which has no addictive issues. Even taking a mild sedative for a few days would be fine; you need whatever will help you get out of this situation, and an emergency GP through 111 could hopefully give you an out-of-hours appointment to attend today. If the feeling of the constant panic attack forced you to go back, then you may need to take something JUST until you’re able to start counseling.

But please, leave today. There is a better life out there. Absolutely no horseshite. I’m living it right now with my second husband. And I was fat, sick, old, and broke when we found each other.

What you feel when you try to leave is what A LOT of us feel. It takes something like an average of seven attempts before successfully leaving an abusive partner. You are not a failure, and no one on MN is disappointed in you.

But it’s time to call 999 or go straight to attending hospital, love. It can’t wait any longer. Puking when you sit up is at best a serious concussion.

You must be in so much emotional and physical pain and so exhausted. Do not think about tomorrow and the next day. Just get through today with the medical help you need, and deal with tomorrow when it arrives.

Also: second husband has ADHD, and is the most gentle soul I know, even when experiencing burnout. He’s horrified to think another man is using it as an excuse to be an abuser. There is no possible excuse or justification for what he’s done to you, I promise you.

Is there anyone else you could call, who would call the police on your behalf? It would take the decision out of your hands, and they would be making the decision that what you described is serious enough (as it clearly is) for you to call the police instead.

I don’t know how much more of this I can read.
You have a serious head injury by the sounds of it, which needs treatment.
You are also seriously mentally ill because of this man and you need treatment.
The children are suffering abuse by seeing you abused.
Get yourself sectioned, and let someone else take over.
When you stop posting in the next day or so, we will know that you have died, and im very sorry to be harsh.
This creature needs removing from society.
Sending all good wishes, sincerely.

Phone social services and have your children removed. If you won’t leave their dad, then you NEED to do that for them.

I’m sorry to be blunt. I know you’re really struggling, but it’s true

How, how did you cope after you left? Mentally?

Are you a professional actress or something? Are you working on a screenplay? If not then stop typing and pick up the phone. Start using your words. Start with women's aid.

Oh i wish

I can’t believe the school havent stepped in before now

Do you mean SS won’t act?

Oh they would

but the chances of this op doing something that would actually benefit her DC?

I had to get a lot of help.

I took both propranolol for racing heartbeat/palpitations and needed a sedating medication about once a day for the first few months (lorazepam, but they often use alprazolam). I was in talk therapy with someone who specialized in trauma for several years.

I didn’t cope for the first two years. I survived one day after the next, allowing the love of my friends and family to get me over the hump when I thought I couldn’t get up in the morning. For my friend, she got up for her children. There are women all over this country and the world who can’t get out of bed for themselves sometimes. You are not a failure. You are not a disappointment.

But you will feel awful mentally. You will feel guilty and evil and horrible, because you’re so far down the hole that you can’t even see the sky above you. But the sky is still there; I can see it right outside my window.

All you have to do right now is realize: it’s him or you. You have the right to safety. You have the right to survive. You have the right to recover, and the right to find new life. HE does not have a right to your support or love. Those are things we give to people who are worthy of them, and eventually with a lot of help, you’ll be able to say, “You know what? I didn’t deserve the abuse he gave me, and he didn’t deserve the support I gave him.”

I think sometimes the idea that leaving is the hardest part is misleading. For so many of us, it’s NOT leaving. It’s waking up the morning AFTER you leave and trying not to have a never-ending panic attack, especially since life admin doesn’t stop.

You need to call 999. You need to leave. And if you are hospitalized, you need to be honest with your family so they can help support you mentally with not going back.

Change is TERRIFYING. But there is very little that could be worse than what you’ve got right now. You can’t take endless pain and ill treatment; animals can’t survive that and humans can’t either. It’s time to leave, love.

I completely agree with this.
If you are unable to protect your children they need taking into care ASAP. You are choosing a domestic abuser over their welfare. You need to do something today about this.

And I’m sorry @Forevertrappedhere but other people are right about the risk to your children. Eventually, they will be able to clearly tell other adults about the abuse in your household and very soon if your oldest is 5. It would be better for you to seek help now rather than risk losing your children if it all comes to a head and you aren’t already trying to leave. I don’t say this to make you more afraid. But just to indicate that if all you have for the first year is “my children and I are safe, physically and emotionally,” that’s enough. I left everything. At the lowest point, a friend had to buy me new pants. But it was worth all of it.

The other thread was 2024

These kids have been living in hell.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

All the best.💐

Is there somewhere else your children can go to live? They are living in hell. They are your responsibility, you must help them.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great, and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

All the best. 💐