PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

Hey OP, how are you doing?

Hope you're ok OP x
Thinking of you and the children and sending good thoughts

Thinking of you OP, hope you're getting through okay.

@Forevertrappedhere I really hope you are safe. Please don’t be afraid to speak freely here, even if you’ve reconciled with him. We know how hard this is for you and ultimately we’d rather have you reach out for support than suffer in silence.

Echoing the above poster. Hope you’re safe. Please keep talking to us if it helps in whatever way, no matter how life looks at the moment.

I havent gone back. Have 0 contact. I am in court monday. I miss him terribly

You're doing well. Have you felt any lighter at all these past few days?
Are your kids settled?
Are your friends still supporting you?

I have a little. I had a letter from him come to my home today, hence in court Monday to finalise the non-mol. He wrote all about how much he loved me, the adventures we wouldnt have now and how he didnt understand why I had left. The kids are settled and happy. Lots and lots of admin done and things turning as they should. I have psychotherapy starting in October and the Freedom Programme in person starting in September. I have done the online course.

The school mums I was a villager for have been no help and I found out yesterday that my personal information was gossip fodder which was hard. I struggle knowing how much I should do for others as have always been the giver, and I honestly enjoy it. I believe in God and physical help is worship etc so was hard to get no help when desperate from those I have bent over backwards for but also to be discussed publically where many other school mums go.

My two friends from outside school have been amazing and have kept me sane and alive and functioning.

You miss an alternative version of him not the real him. You do not miss the abuse just the abuser. Please please keep reminding yourself of this. You do not, did not deserve this. Your kids do not, did not deserve this. You WILL get through this. I don't know you but I hear you. I hear how intelligent you are, how loving you are. You need to remember who YOU are and WHAT he is - an illusion.
Keep going. Keep being strong. Believe in yourself. x

@Forevertrappedhere you are doing so well, you sound like you are so much more together than last time. The so called friends are awful, gossiping about you is abhorrent behaviour. Seek support from those who show you kindness and cut the others off, you don’t need those kinds of ‘friends’.

Remember what he has written will be designed to manipulate and confuse you, he is at fault and is refusing to acknowledge his actions have led to this situation. No apology, no accountability, feigning disbelief and shock when he knows exactly what he has done to you. Throw the letter away, rereading it will do nothing more than hurt and confuse you, especially when you are so fragile.

You are missing the familiarity of him, not him as the person he truly is. You have been conditioned to live in a state of instability, adrenaline and anxiety - being in a calm and safe environment is so alien to you that your body is craving what it knows, even when you know logically this is the right thing. It’ll take time but it will get easier. You can do this.

@ForevertrappedhereHe understands exactly why you left. He knows full well that his extreme violence towards you is criminally revolting and dangerous. Does he do it to anyone else? Does he do it to you in front of any other adults? Didn’t think so. Because he knows.

Huge well done for staying away. You don’t miss being hurt constantly. You don’t miss him. You miss what’s familiar. And he’s brainwashed you into thinking you don’t deserve better. But you do. Please, please stick at it this time. The fog will start to clear if you are patient and hold firm. We are still here when you want to talk.

The village friends were never friends. They were people who enjoyed your help and generosity. I said before in a previous post, some people are takers and it’s hard to see you are being taken advantage of when you are giving so much. That hurts but at least you now see clearly who your true friends are and that is worth a lot.

You are amazing! Keep going. I think you know deep down that you don’t really miss this monster. Your brain is tricking you into believing that because of all the abuse you’ve suffered over the years. Chaos and danger feel normal to you, and you’ve been conditioned to think that he is somehow the centre of your world. But with the help of therapy and your true friends, you can have a calm, happy, wonderful life. You deserve it and your children deserve it. 💐

Really struggling. It wasn’t all bad. 90%. 10% was good. But that good was so so exhilarating. I know that’s stupid as a smile shouldn’t make you feel like you’re on cloud 9. But it DID. And I crave that approval and rush.

I feel so responsible for him. Is he eating? Sleeping? Is he ok? He lost his job due to the bullying again. Is he coping?

I feel guilty. I feel like he didn’t mean it and he needs my forgiveness and understanding

I feel like he’s my person and I need him like I need my arm

I know none of this matters and isn’t rational. I know what I need to do and I’m doing it

but doesn’t stop me feeling like the worlds worst person.

You’re not a bad person or a stupid person. You’re an abused person who has been conditioned to feel grateful for the scraps, like a smile. So it isn’t surprising that you crave it. But it’s good that you are allowing your rational brain to make the decisions right now. Think of it as an addiction. You crave the scraps of niceness he threw your way so much that you’ve been willing to risk your life for them. Like people addicted to drink or drugs even though they know they are destroying themselves. Keep talking, keep in touch with the true friends, WA, Freedom programme, Mumsnet if you feel like it. You are being very strong. Abusers always escalate. He broke your skull. If you go back, it will be worse. And worse at this point is likely to mean only one thing.

You’re doing so well OP. Just remember your absolute priority is your children and by leaving him and cooperating with the police, you have made the choice to put them first. That is brilliant and what you must continue to do. I am a stranger but I’m really proud of you x

I wouldn't risk 90% chance of being murdered.

As others have said, keep engaging with people and services. You'll eventually get to the point where you are life is easy, free, fun without an abuser.

This sums it up perfectly.... better than i child have written.
Burn his letter. If you believe in God as you mentioned, ask that those words that are burning become ashes and don't stick to your conscience. Because he absolutely is doing that to manipulate you!
You are doing so well!

@Forevertrappedhere you are not a bad person and your feelings are entirely understandable. It’s the same things many posters say when they post about a partner leaving, despite all the bad they were their person and love doesn’t go away overnight.

The 10% good was ultimately manipulative on his part. You wouldn’t have stayed so long if it had been 100% bad, those small glimpses of kindness were designed to keep you trapped. You craved them and hung on to that version of him when he was cruel in the hope that things could be better. You wanted to believe he could change because of that 10% but ultimately he used it to control you, his behaviour was always within his control and he used your love against you.

It’s ok to feel these things about him but you need to learn to not let them consume you. A thought can come but it should be let go again, like a wave landing on a beach and then going back out to sea. You can acknowledge it but try not to hold on to it. If it helps, anytime you think of the concern you have for him, focus on a memory of when he was cruel or caused you pain. Our brains are designed to protect us so remembering the bad is much harder than remembering the good. If you do this, over time you will have conditioned yourself not to associate him with anything positive.

If you can’t promise to do this for you just remember you are doing this for your children, they need you. You can do this.

You are all right and I keep trying to focus on the manipulation. But sometimes it’s so clear and sometimes I can only see this poor man that didn’t mean it.

i have over 500 recordings (I finally collated them all and realised I could airdrop to Mac) so the hard evidence is there. My brain just doesn’t like it.

Monday is another line in the sand and that scares me. There’s no going back after that.

@Forevertrappedhere you can do this. One day at a time, one hour, one breath. You will come out the other side and life will be unimaginably better in ways you haven’t even considered.

Well it all went wrong. There was an incident. My friends have stepped in. He is evil

What happened? Are you ok?

@Forevertrappedhere I’m so sorry. i hope you’re ok, physically at least. Hopefully this will be the last time you ever have to have contact.

Whatever happened, it sounds as though you are safe and with friends, thank goodness. That’s the first time, I think, that you’ve written about him so negatively. A little of the fog has lifted, which is really good. I’m sorry for whatever you’ve been through today though.

Thank God for your friends. Obviously I don’t know what happened, but I hope you are OK. You’re absolutely right that he is evil. Hold onto that knowledge.