PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

@Forevertrappedhere please continue to post, unless you have found real life support, I’m concerned you will give in to the voice in your head if you don’t have someone to check in with.

Thank you to all. Have read replies but can't hold onto them. Struggling with severe brain fog and a LOT has happened today and yesterday. Exhausted

When you’re able, let us know what’s been going on. Like many, I’m rooting for you & the kids x

Just keep reading it back OP. Even if you have to get through this one hour or one minute at a time. Just keep on going over why you can't return.

The brain fog you are experiencing may be partly due to your physical injuries as well as the emotional upheaval. But the fog will lift. Not today or tomorrow, but if you keep moving forward it definitely will. Keep going, you're doing brilliantly even if it doesn't feel that way.

Hi all.

I am still away. I’m a mess. So so grateful for my two friends who are basically carrying everything for me and sorting it all out. One paid for the online freedom program and one is dealing with ex as he hasn’t been arrested yet.

Ive always been socially anxious and I bit the bullet and told a few school mums who I’m the villager for always. It’s a group of 7 of us and within the group I have done weekly childcare, attended court with them, provided post partum meals for months, parking ticket appeals, DLA applications etc.

I told them and on the GC they all said the right thing. But since 4 have barely spoken to me or replied to any direct messages. 2 are replying but being stiff when I’ve asked for help. And 1 is being nice and normal.

It’s making me so so anxious for some reason. I keep checking I haven’t overstepped. There’s one I’ve done the DLA forms, post partum meals and helped with her garden and other bits. I’ve never asked for help. This week I just asked if I could pop round for two hours just to be in a different environment. They said ofc I’ll let you know what time I’m home today. They then ignored me for 2 days straight. I didn’t chase.

its silly but I hate not knowing where I stand, what’s ok to ask, what’s not. Everyone always says we’ll help leave the abuser but then no one is there. Not saying they should be. But then they shouldn’t insist on the GC and make me promise I would ask etc

Try not to worry about the group chat. Sounds like your two friends helping are your real friends, the school mums may be more acquaintences. When does the freedom programme start?

People show their true face when you're in crisis. You found out that 1 school mum is great. So if anything, you may be able to add a third solid friend.

Now you know never to offer anything to the other 6 again. They are not in your 'village'. That's more time you can spend with your kids and good friends.

Glad you're getting to do the Freedom Programme.

@Forevertrappedhere youve done the right thing by telling people. They are perhaps struggling to understand the gravity of the situation if you’ve managed to conceal the reality of your home life until now.

Yes, echoing what others have said, a lot of people can’t actually cope well with other people’s needs. It was an eye opener for me when I left my abusive husband. Even members of my own family didn’t want to accept the truth about him and I did have a couple of friends fade away. It’s totally normal.

If the established norm of your existing ‘village’ group is that you have always been the one giving, then it means they are always the ones taking. People who give a lot can inadvertently attract selfish people and it’s possible that the people in your group who have turned away in your hour of need have no idea how to cope with this unexpected blip in the one way benefits of your friendship until now. It’s the least of your problems at the moment. Fuck ‘em.

You have three people in your corner. Work with that and focus your energy on staying away from the man that will almost certainly end up killing you if you go back. He gave you a skull fracture. It is pure luck that you are not now lying in a morgue with your children being comforted by… who? Which family members would bring them up? Or would they end up in foster care? Because he’d be in prison for a long stretch. Take each day, each minute, at a time. Keep posting here to help if you need to. But do not walk back into your death sentence.

Thinking of you tonight pet, hoping you are okay. If the hospital would report this would you feel brave enough to press charges for assault? Just thinking if he was locked up, you would find some breathing space

Just 1 or 2 true friends can make a huge difference. It’s quality not numbers. Continue to lean on those who prove they’re true friends and forget the others.

Feel so alone. No one truly gets it. Trying to stay strong and busy. Am still away. No contact with him. Feel broken.

@Forevertrappedhere you're staying strong that's what matters most.
Is there any way at all you could arrange some therapy? Can you afford it privately? Anyone in your family who could pay for it or lend you some money?

@Forevertrappedhere you’re right, it’s unlikely that anyone truly understands because your situation isn’t something most people have experienced and they can’t comprehend the reality of your life and emotions. That doesn’t mean that they don’t care, or that they aren’t able to support you. Anyone who is helping here or in real life is doing their best to help in whatever way they can but ultimately they haven’t lived your trauma or experienced the manipulation that causes you to feel so bonded to him despite the abuse. Focus on distractions, on getting through the next short time period, whether that’s a day, an hour or just the next 5 minutes. It will get easier, you need to time to let your body reset, so you’re not perpetually in a state of anxiety, getting the rush of adrenaline that comes from the pain and hurt he inflicts and the following calm. Everything feels foreign to your body right now as you are so used to being in a heightened state at all times and the familiarity of that. You are going doing so well, you can do this.

Are your children with you?

They are

Have lots to say about the friend situ but just feel a bit dead and sad.

Ok thats not accurate. I feel devastated, panicked and like my chest id caving in. I feel embarassed and small and pathetic. I feel needy and unloved and ugly. I feel like a beggar

Well, we are listening if and when you feel ready and if it helps to talk.

Have you seen a GP about the anxiety? It’s not going to fix everything but there are medications which can help with that, even if short term. Like Propranolol. I’m not a doctor but I think it’s worth asking for support medically with the overwhelming anxiety. I had did when I was in a similar situation and it really helped me.

Just wait till you get back on your feet, you will look back at this period in your life and be so proud of yourself for getting through this.

Thank you. I know I am catastrophising atm but can't help it. Lots of dark negative thoughts. I appreciate everyone replying.

Is someone looking after them?

Yes, I am??