PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

I know I sound like im wallowing, but I really don't intend to. I keep pushing forwards, I am just constantly blind sided by such extreme panic and sadness its overwhelming. Thats without the flashbacks and nightmares. I will get through I just have really hard moments sometimes

Have you been to the GP? When I split with ex and was suffering awful post-separation abuse, my anxiety went through the roof and I was put on meds. It helped hugely.

You are allowed to feel all of your emotions, do not apologise for that at all. You are being incredibly brave and strong and you have had to diminish yourself and your feelings for so long so let it all out. Grieve, let your heart break, do everything you can that is healthy just do not contact him. Its hard I am sure but you know it is for the best.

@Forevertrappedhere thats completely understandable, no one expects you to have it all together. You are doing so well, I hope tomorrow isn’t too awful, will be thinking of you.

You're right @Forevertrappedhere you WILL get through it. If it helps to write n here what you're feeling do it. Nobody is judging you, somany people went through that and can help you.
I hope today goes as well as it can be.

You do still have your family @Forevertrappedhere . You have your children. If they see you so broken, heartbroken and barely able to function just because this vile abusive man is no longer in their family home - they will think they are not “enough”.

I speak from experience.

I understand that, but I cannot do more than I can do. All the supressed memories are slowly leaking out. I cant control the flashbacks - in that moment it isnt a memory its like hes there. I am awating medical help with it. I know what the kids need and I am doing everything I can to provide it. I also know my 100% isnt enough and I dont know what to do. I feel guilty about that all the time. Ive been awake for 31 hours straight. I contacted the police again last night as well as several other involved bodies like the SW with the evidence. I made mini chocolate and date loaves at 4am this morning for packed lunches. I can't keep a though straight and I have lists upon lists, sticky notes, reminders and Alexa alerts to try and keep ontop of it all. I am trying to expand the security system. I have court today. I did a lighter work-week last week and I have a heavier work week this week. I am trying to find funds and quotes to fix the damage from his break in attempt. And I am still a carer for elderly family member in all of this. And then youve got all the small usual stupid life stuff liek fleaing the cats, sorting the fish tanks, the food shop

I feel like im drowning

And amongst it all I carry the fear that I am the abuser. That I am the wrong party. And I 'miss' hm terribly. His prescence was negative but incredibly large and all consuming. Now silence

You are doing a huge amount. One step at a time. Don’t feel like you are failing anyone. Many people wouldn’t still be functioning at this point and you sound like you are doing brilliantly. You are completely traumatised. This takes time to deal with. And you can’t even begin that healing process yet as you are still in survival mode. Along with withdrawal symptoms. Be kind to yourself. It is very early days.

You're doing a great job to stay away. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and just do the best you can in that moment. One day or one hour at a time.

You’re in hyper vigilant mode, it’s a trauma response. I remember being unable to sleep when my dad was in intensive care and over the counter things wouldn’t touch it. Can the GP prescribe something to help you sleep just in the short term? I can’t believe you are working through all this, it’s a huge amount to be doing. Could your employer give you any compassionate leave? Agree with PP about anti anxiety meds. Don’t feel guilty, you are making a superhuman effort. You’re in our thoughts.

this thread is on Reddit btw

Non-mol was granted.

I saw the Reddit thread. Wish I hadn’t.

Thank you everyone for well wishes and checking in

You have secured a non mol? This is a massive step forward. This is what you need to make tangible progress. You absolutely must adhere with this and if he doesn’t… no second chances - you immediately report

Never been on reddit and no idea why threads from here are on there but I am delighted you go the non mol. You are NOT the abuser. This is a very postive step forwards for you and the kids.

Thank you. It feels positive. I’m relieved it’s in place. I also feel very alone and isolated and struggling to make sense of a lot of things. I feel like more and more is overwhelming me despite me tackling so much everyday. There’s obviously other stuff like the fact we weren’t in the new house long so whilst all the major rooms are done the other rooms are full of boxes. All the care stuff for elderly family member is wracking up after a fall and it’s hard to watch them decline as they raised me most (had the most amazing Dad, terrible terrible mum, hence a lot of family helped raise me)

exhausted and desolate and numbing out. I really really get why women just give up. I’m trying to do all this stuff when I’m getting with panic attacks for the dumbest things.

I watch my kids and internally scream at myself to rationalise, calm down, you’re safe but it doesn’t help.

I tried an icy shower this morning as that’s meant to help. It did not but helped crack the numbness, my yelp made my LO laugh and that cracked it a little too.

Reddit is basically where they tear apart the thread and OP. It was unpleasant reading and hit all my insecurities about how I couldn’t have stayed if it was so bad and if I did there’s something wrong with me etc

@Forevertrappedhere ignore the Reddit comments, the majority of comments are probably bored 13 year olds with no real life experience or understanding. It’s not helpful for you to expose yourself to online negativity and only serves to cause you pain, just try to for get about it. If it was cross posted by mumsnet you could ask them to remove it.

You are doing so well and the panic attacks are understandable. Do you have techniques for helping deal with them? The most basic is to focus on identifying 3 things you can see, 2 things you can touch and 1 thing you can hear, it helps ground your mind in the moment. Also box breathing- counting to 4 (whatever is most comfortable but allows for slow breathing) breathe in for 4, hold your breath for 4, breathe out for 4, hold your breath for 4 and repeat at least 5 times. Each action lasts the same amount of time and you do it as slowly as you can.

Oh believe me, even on Mumsnet, some abused women get torn apart for not leaving quickly enough for the readers’ liking. There are a lot of people out there who simply don’t have the emotional intelligence to understand the level of conditioning you’ve been subjected to. Please don’t look at Reddit again. Hopefully other posters won’t draw things like that to your attention again. Focus on yourself, your kids and your safety. I mentioned before but have you thought about asking the GP for meds to help you through the anxiety? They really helped me. You are doing brilliantly even if you don’t think you are. You are not as isolated as you think. It’s because of the years of abusive conditioning that have led you to believe that you can’t survive without your abuser. But you will survive so, so much better without him. Patience and time. This will all get better the longer you stay away. It’s the only thing you have to do right now. And try to rest whenever you can. Of course you are exhausted. Totally understandable. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your body is responding as it is designed to do.

@Forevertrappedhere you sound much better today despite the struggles. I think getting the non mol got you some relief and also the realisation that he is indeed abusive and not you.
I also do t get how you're still working and caring for an elderly relative amongst all this. You are incredibly strong even if you don't feel it.
You've had lots of advice about techniques to help in the moment panic sets and I hoe you find something that helps. Do consider GP from anti anxiety meds. Setraline has helped e so much it's night and day!

I read all your updates and want you to know that I think you are doing amazingly. All you can do is take one day at a time. Keep going. You are stronger than you know.

Thank you all xx Using some of the tips mentioned on here. Music helps hugely as does just constantly pottering and reminding myself it will pass.

Had some good news regarding financials today which has taken the weight off for May and June so v v relieved

Good news. Your tone sounds lighter already.
We are all very proud of you.

Just checking in. How are you doing today, @Forevertrappedhere?