PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

I hope you and your kids are Ok, OP. Glad your friends are supporting you. Can you tell us a bit more? Only if you want to.

Still thinking of you OP. Sorry to hear you have had another incident but I'm glad it had solidified your feelings. I'm glad your friends are still supporting you.

Oh @Forevertrappedhere hope you and the kids are well. Lean on your friends.
We are all here for support if you need.

It has been a hard day. Everyone is safe. Long story short he weaponised access to the children and implied they were unsafe when they werent. They were safe. But the implication was to control me and force me into a corner. It didnt work as my friends stepped in, cancelled their own plans with family, travelled to him, got my Dad on board and basically launched a rescue mission whilst keeping me sane. I basically panicked. Then felt thwy were being harsh and he wasnt trying to control. Then realised it was all bollocks and I was an imbecile for thinking otherwise

I am writing to social worker once I finish here as since I split with him last time hes had two contact points with them and zero contact points other than to check availabilty since the fracture incident two weeks ago. So writing it all out and in court Monday too.

I can feel myself numbing out and doing the motions. I just want to hear his lies and believe them and be soother for a second. I cant eat or sleep but am so tired I want to sleep forever. This will never get better

The SW are so rubbish. I know they are stretched but there is such a large language barrier and when I split last time I had to make a complaint because she kept asking ME why EX was being difficult at drop off and then a few days ago asked me why he was cordial to my friends and not to me. She asked why he could control it for them and I had to again explain abuse was control and imagery and not a true inabilty to control his temper

You’re not a bad person, 10% good is not enough, you and your children deserve more. I understand the guilt, it’s from years of manipulation. You’ve always put his needs first. When you feel in doubt look at how far you and children have come already. Life is peaceful, calm and happy away from the abuse. When you miss him and want to go back remember the damage he caused to you and your children. You are strong, you’ve got this xx

That sounds like such a hard day. I’m so sorry. But your friends sound amazing and they are fighting your corner, and doing it well, by the sounds of it. The not eating and sleeping makes perfect sense because you’re in flight mode. Your body is telling you you’re in danger, when of course you’re the safest you’ve been in a long time. Is there anything over the counter you could take to help you sleep? I wonder if you have the means to speak to a therapist in the short term just to help you process this, perhaps one who has experience of ptsd and/or trauma? You are in my thoughts. You’re stronger than you know, and he is less than nothing. A small, cowardly little man. You don’t hate him yet, but you will. And after that, one day, you will be blissfully indifferent.

Sorry you had a shit day, but good to hear people rallied round.

The social worker sounds a bit dumb and/or inexperienced, can you ask a friend to be a witness/advocate in your conversations with them? Possibly make a complaint.

You are doing so so well. You know deep down he will do anything to get you back and lie and manipulate you in any way he can. But you are stronger than his manipulations - you are for your kids. Remember this every single time you are doing this for the kids, for their future. You go back to him now and he will end your life and you know it and then what happens to the kids? You love them more than you love him. You love them more than you love yourself. You are doing this for them, for them to have a future, a healthy future with their mum in it. He will never ever be a nice person. His performances do not last long, he is vile and abusive. Keep reminding yourself of this. Your friends are so brilliant and I am so happy you have them in your life. They along with your kids are your strength.

I can't see the manipulation. Even now the anger has gone and the doubt has set in, maybe we got it all wrong. Honestly, I am not convinced we didnt. But it doesnt matter. Because over a decade of 'my way' and 'my interpretations' of him have led us here. So now I am following everyone elses. I will do it. I will stay away. In my worst moments I tell myself i can be with him in a decade and a half, when the kids are grown and flown

Please don't doubt yourself. That is the "lizard brain" talking, the most primitive part of the brain that focuses on survival above all.* Your survival all these years has depended on appeasing your abuser, so it's not surprising that you are stuck in that mode even now that you are free. Be assured that this evil man (as you rightly called him) doesn't care about you even one tiny bit. He is abusive, he always will be, and he is a danger to you and your children. Believe what your friends are telling you, believe the supportive people you encounter IRL, whether from WA or other services, believe the people on this thread. You've done brilliantly so far.

(*I know that some scientists reject this concept as an oversimplification, but I still think it's a useful way of understanding ourselves.)

Hi, I just want to reach out and say I get it. I had the same feelings as you, I believed I was the abuser, he wasn’t bad just reacting due to his trauma etc. In the relationship I could see all the bad bits and as soon as we separated I thought he was the best person ever and only his embrace could fix me. We were together from a really young age for two decades and the conditioning was so hard to escape. He was abusive but very sporadically so I convinced myself it was fine. He could’ve killed me on a few occasions but I convinced myself he didn’t mean it. The rest of the time he was so attentive, loving, caring and my brain couldn’t work it all out. I figured he was a good person as the physical abuse wasn’t regular. The verbal abuse was but he’d apologise straight away, take accountability so I believed he was good.

I wrote on here and everyone validated he was wrong but still I kept thinking no it will be ok let’s just block it out. Eventually I had the courage to end it for good. It was so messy. I didn’t know how I’d function. I thought my life was over. I could not think of anything bad he did and believed I was a bad person.

Now my 4 kids and I are the happiest ever and I can look at him and know exactly what he was and see how he manipulated me and still to this day tries to abuse me.

I was so trauma bonded but there is a way out I promise. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done but I know how terrifying the thought it. please please stay away from this relationship. I completely get your pain and panic but I promise you a year down the line you will be so much stronger and the fog will lift. You will get through this. You are at the most difficult part. Keep leaning on your friends and family. They sound like they’ve got you. Take care

He’s at the house now. I’m so done. I’ve called for help. We are fine.

He’s been removed. Spewing a pack of lies as he was. But the immense frustration I feel that he believes the nonsense he is saying argh

Who removed him? Were the police involved? I hope so as it’s important that they see a pattern of behaviour. Well done for following the sensible course of action despite your conditioning telling you otherwise. The fact you are able to explain it so well here means that one part of your brain IS seeing the truth. Keep going.

So scary that he turned up at the house, I’m assuming you and the kids were there? You did the right thing in calling for help. He’s escalating these incidents because he feels like he is losing control. I think you said something key was happening today, your non molestation order perhaps? Stay safe, OP. If you’re staying at the family home, is there an option not to be there for a while, in case he does turn up again?

(edited for typo)

He didnt do anything. Just glared at the camera and then walked off into the foliage and then walked away again. Makes no sense. I think its becuase his attempts to control me during the day didnt work due to the friends buffer so this was another attempt to unsettle

He is trying to antagonise you into contacting him so he can reel you back in.

Yh my whole thing before was to always understand the WHY and try and educate him etc and that he must be innocent. It is VERY hard to hold onto this idea he is cruel or evil or nasty. I am still in the place where he is an innocent misunderstood idiot.

Are you managing to work? Are you ok for money?

He knows what he is doing and knows how to behave which is why he behaves the very odd time to keep you coming back. He knows well that his actions are disgusting but you going back time and again means he gets to play cat and mouse all the time. The only way to educate him is to stay miles away from him.

Misunderstood idiots don’t try to smash your skull in, my love.

He's an idiot, no doubt. But he isn't innocent or misunderstood. He is an evil, violent thug who should be in prison. I know it will take some time for your brain to stop tricking you into believing that he is a decent person whose actions are justifiable. But just keep reminding yourself of the reality that you know to be true: he is extremely dangerous and the only way you will survive and thrive is to stay far, far away from him.

A shit ton more has happened. Dad confronted him. More lies. I’m about to call 101. He’s made his bed now. But I am so so so so heartbroken. I want our unit back. I want my family back. I want his hugs. I’m never going to see him again after tomorrow and I can’t cope with that. I keep shaking.

I'm sorry you are suffering. But if you can, please try to reframe your thinking. You can't possibly be genuinely heartbroken even though it feels that way. You have lost nothing but a violent, abusive, evil man who doesn't care about you at all. The abuse has altered your patterns of thought and is keeping you stuck in a very dark place.

I know that you will be starting therapy and I hope that helps. In the meantime, can you try some CBT techniques? Maybe some of these would be helpful: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

I’m so sorry it’s so painful, OP. You are amazing. It’s agony but you are doing it anyway. He doesn’t care about you one bit though, you know that,
right? Loving partners don’t try to strangle their wives. They don’t have to do prison time for it. They don’t talk to them the way he does you. They don’t try and intimidate them. He’s a weak, nothing little man. A bully. The family, the unit you speak of, it’s an illusion. The family unit is you and the kids now, supported by your dad and friends. And it is strong, and it is loving. You will get through this. One day at a time.