PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

Yes they’re closed until tomorrow

You need to spend 2 hours on the phone getting yourself out of this relationship and into a refuge, stop fixating on the freedom program.

Please ask your friends for help today. When you’re with them, call the police. Talk to your family, they’ve been supportive before.

You’ve managed to get away before. You can do it again. And you know you need to.

Your partner has controlled you for so long that you feel you can’t survive without him, his abuse has conditioned you to accept the tiny scraps of “kindness” that he occasionally tosses your way. Chaos feels normal to you.

There is a better life out there for you and your children. It will take strength for you to reach out and grab it. But it’s there.

Yes, the abuse is like banging your head against a brick wall - the relief when it stops and he drops a kind word, feels like heaven.
Please stop reading and researching - it won’t change him.
Please get out.

It doesn’t matter why he does what he does- whether ND, mental health or plain old sadism- he is still an abuser. And he is a very dangerous man who should not be around you or your children. Stop trying to understand and psychoanalyse him. It doesn’t matter if he is genuine in his remorse/apologies/explanations- he is still an abuser and he still reoffends. None of that matters- what matters is your children’s safety. Put your energies into saving them rather than understanding him.

You are trying to look into why he abuses but even if you did find out what makes him tick he is and always will be an abuser.
He enjoys terrifying and hurting people and then leaving them relieved when he acts ‘nice’. He enjoys twisting the truth and leaving you so confused that you lose your mind and he can control your perception.
He doesn’t abuse you because you deserve it, he makes up reasons to abuse you as he loves to inflict pain. The truth is whoever he was in a relationship with he would act despicable towards because he isn’t capable of loving anyone he is a monster!

I am still with my friends. I went to theirs and they had already sussed the head injury and called the police. I gave the statement. Not of everything, just the most recent event. I have done the FL401 and FL401T forms. I am not ok. The guilt is killing me. I will not survive this. I have no money, not much support (dad is poorly and family are angry I went back) and can't think straight. I am not ok. I was not ready for this. He will kill himself and its all my fault

No, @Forevertrappedhere he won't kill himself. He wants you to think he will because it draws you back in, but he won't. If he did, it wouldn't be your fault.

You need to think about your children because apart from the safety aspects, if you stay with him you are in very serious danger of having them taken away. You can't protect yourself from him, so how are you going to keep them safe? Be honest with yourself.

The situation you have described is very, very dangerous. Please try to see that.

Thank god for your friends, they sound wonderful. I am really proud of you for giving the statement.

Hopefully it might actually make it easier in some ways as SS will likely give you a very clear choice now - continue to live with him or end the relationship, cooperate with proceedings and get support so your children can live safely with you away from their father your abuser.

I have everything crossed they can help you see how dangerous this environment is for you and the kids.

Well done for giving a statement that’s huge. Your friends may have just saved your life x

You are so lucky to have your friends. They may have saved your life and the lives of your children. Your (hopefully ex-) partner can make his own choices, but nothing he does will be your fault. I doubt he'll kill himself, but if he does you shouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever. None. He should feel guilt for his abusive behaviour, though he sounds like a sociopath so he probably will never experience guilt or remorse.

You've been given a great gift today. You may not be able to see that yet, but it's true. Please tell the police every single detail of the abuse you've suffered.

You absolutely will survive. You and your children will do more than survive, you will thrive if you give yourself half a chance.

Good job OP. Consider writing yourself a script to repeat when you want to quit and go back to him or not to leave him. You don't have to believe it, you just have to say it. I think you need to think about it a bit like alcoholism - it's a damaging substance that you have an addiction to even though you know it harms you.

Well done for speaking to the police. Thank goodness for good friends.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. This situation is because of him, he has put you and your children in this position.
Whatever the outcome, it’s on him, not you.
No decent person treats another like he treats you. Do not for a minute forget that.

He won’t kill himself, he values himself way too much, please don’t be drawn in to ‘but what if’, because honestly, the only what if you should think about is ‘what if he killed me’

You have done a very brave first step today. Please rely on the support of your friends, family and the police.
Stay strong OP, it will get better, do not waver now, this is the start of a better, more free and happier life for you and your children.

At what point do you ask yourself why is he more important than you? He isn't. He really isn't. You and your children are the most important people in your life. Believe that. Protect yourself and you protect your children. You cannot have him around yourself and your children. Be strong and give your self a chance to have a happy life - the fallout otherwise will last generations. Break that cycle now. I really want to reach out and give you a hug and wish I could do more.

Never believe words people tell you OP, believe the actions they show you. You need to focus first on building yourself up before you try to decode him and his shitty behaviour. He will not kill himself. He might take a handful of pills, he’ll carefully research how many is safe, to give you a scare. If he did that or even if he did kill himself, that’s on him, not you. Protect yourself and your babies, lean on your friends. Take care of yourself!

He's not articulate, it's all AI speak. He's asking AI like ChatGPT to come up with fancy messages that make you feel guilty.

E.g. I just asked it to write an aggressive, guilt tripping message "because someone petted my cat" and it came up with something quite similar to the nonsense you receive. This is also why he's sending you multiple long messages - he's not writing them himself.

Have you shown the texts to your friends? I think seeing how someone reacts in person might help you.

OP, if you haven’t already, please read about trauma bonding. He is a dangerous maniac who would probably kill you without a second thought. He’s already tried, he’s already done prison time for it. Do you think he feels guilty about that? Nope. He’s a monster. You are going to have to deprogramme your brain from this and it will take work. The main thing is that you and your children are (I hope) safe for now.

I have already sent an email with the latest information to the SW

The charity is called Respond

It was not WA. It was the DV helpline

You are nothing more than a punchbag to him, he doesn’t love or care for you or the children.
If he killed you he would be on the hunt for a replacement to terrorise.
You can only control your own actions and words and you had to ensure the safety of you and your children.
You need therapy to heal from his physical and emotional abuse to free your mind from his manipulation.
The only people whose life is in danger is yours and your children because of him!
He is not capable of empathy and love and his only desire is to manipulate you to save his own skin so he can terrorise you again until he kills you.
He wouldn’t lose any sleep over killing you the only person he would feel sorry for is himself if he had to pay the consequences.

You need to realise right now you are not capable of thinking straight and to accept your friends advice and help. When they tell you to press charges and to block and keep away from him remind yourself your mind is very ill after years of abuse from him and let them take over decisions so you can rest and try to recuperate. You are safe with them ❤️

He has spent year deliberately breaking your spirit, he has spent years controlling your mind so you believe you deserve to be beaten and punished. He has spent years drumming it into your head you have to protect him from facing any consequences of his own despicable actions. He has spent years terrorising you, reprogramming your mind so badly that you believe that you are worthless and that deep down he loves you.

His actions and words aren’t love or even like, he despises you and only feels good when he beats and hurts you. He is a monster!

Save your sympathy and concentrate your love on the real victims which is you and your children. change your useless GP and ask for help, therapy to start healing yourself.

Last night was horrific. I couldnt sleep and seeing him on the Ring Doorbell footage made my heart hurt and the panic set in again
Yesterday I did the police report. I also did the FL401 bits and emailed SS
Today I have told another friend, made a list of alternative childcare options for this week and cancelled my hygienist appt as I am not upto it.
All thats left is to call the GP and then I will nap

Well done, OP. One step at a time. The wheels are in motion now. Where is he now? Stay safe.