PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

I am still waiting for the call back form 999 - a clinician was meant to call within the hour but hasnt

The children dont see 99% of it. But I fully accept that it is too much still. I have texted the SWA for a meeting next week

How do you get their voice out your head? Their narrative.
How do I even start? I can't get benefits - he has businesses in my name, though I don't see a penny.
How do you not let the doubt, not just creep in, but scream in. If i could just hold onto that I would be able to start

Oh stop it.

Your children will be acutely away of this horror .

You need to own this fully OP otherwise there’s little hope

Women’s Aid and a social worker would be there to help you take the next steps if you can.

Once you start, more and more people will be there to help as the full horror of the situation is revealed.

The kids school will help. Any other parent at school who you choose to tell would help. Your family, friends and neighbours would help.

Any sane human who hears your story would want to help you it’s heartbreaking what he’s done to you.

But no one did!!! I left broken last time and once my Dad got sick there was NO one. I am always the villager. ALWAYS. He loves his 'image' so helping other women is something he encouraged as it made him look good. I do school runs, post partum meals, babysit, drive other mums who uses buses when weather is bad to school etc. Even this week im volunteering for the Beaver trip, baking for the mosque and taking part in a litter sweep. But no one is there for me.

The GP didnt help.

This is today (pic is of how long i was on phone for). Its the DV helpline. In the end I got signposted to a charity that helps victims of abuse who are also disabled and/or SEN

Talking therapies couldnt refer further. SS is hands on with my son and prives play therapy BUT attended to see my abuser ONCE in the year we were apart and notes he was manipulative and had lied and then that was it.

I think your children have probably seen far more than you suggest. But even if they truly have witnessed only 1% of the abuse, they are being damaged simply by being in an abusive household. They have already experienced more trauma than many people ever have to cope with in their lives. Every day you remain is one more day of trauma for your children.

I know you love your children. And I know you're terrified. But please do whatever it takes to put your children above the terror. You don't have to do everything today. Just do the next thing. Please ring 999.

It doesnt matter. Thank you everyone. I understand what I need to do

How old are you children?

So were you on that call whilst you started this thread at 11am or did you finish the call and then start the thread 15 mins later?

999 don't call you back, they send an ambulance if you need one

Exactly

You're waiting for a call back from 999? What did you say when you spoke to them earlier? Please call again and emphasise the urgency of your situation. The police should attend as well as medical professionals.

What are you hoping for by making this thread,.OP?

If you can’t leave then please get some help for your dc. It’s so unfair that they are having to grow up in this. It will have a profound effect on them. I still remember abusive arguments my parents had when I was very young, and they were nothing compared to what you’ve described.

You need to speak to someone be it police, social services whatever and prioritise your dc safety.

Where is your mum, and your brother and sister who helped you last time? There is not shame in asking for their help again. Or sending your kids to be with them, at least.

Oh boo hoo. He's a nasty bit of work who abused women and children, nobody cares about 'his adhd'.

OP, we know you are severely distressed and ill (being beaten about the head does that to the best of us) , but it's pure selfishness at this point not to at least hand your kids to social services for their basic safety. You're coherent enough to post articulately on here, so I only assume you are compos mentis enough to understand that. I know you don't have the ability to process help but your kids very much do. Get them out of there now.

Please reach out to your mum and siblings, you need their support and so do your children. X

Exactly this. I feel for the OP. I know how much abuse can mess with your mindset and logical thoughts. But I feel for the kids more. They didn’t ask for this. They need someone to advocate for them. My heart breaks for them growing up in this shit show.

You find someone who tells you what I’m telling you right now and you question it from every angle. I’m telling you: he is wrong. The thing is, no, that won’t necessarily stop the doubt. What you have to do at that point is ask yourself: is this ONE fact true? Yes, in every single way. He is physically, emotionally, and possibly financially?, abusing you. It is very common to not get benefits at the beginning with a complex situation; thinking you need them is giving yourself another reason not to leave. You need a place of safety and peace to even get to the point that you can start fighting for your rights. If there’s clear sources of money involved, you may be able to find a lawyer that will accept partial payment and the rest of the payment when the settlement is “settled.” His narrative is that you deserve all this, but guess what? Absolutely no one on Earth would agree with his narrative. Telling people, like my doctors, about the situation was actually really helpful. I wasn’t even able to call it abuse until they did, and it was very obvious abuse.

I know these worries seem big, because you don’t know how you’d live day to day, but even if you have nothing, even if you need help from food banks for a while (and it sounds like you won’t - you have family), it would still be like paradise compared to how you’re living right now. Your priorities need to be: your children and your medical care. Literally everything else can wait. If you report him to the police, I don’t think he’ll be allowed back in your house, so that’s also an option. Women’s Aid would be able to give you exact information. But if he has strangled you once, then he will eventually end up killing you; the statistics show this. Please don’t wait and become a story we see on the news. Call 111 or 999. You deserve happiness and safety.

You need to protect your children.
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

Your children will know, you might tell yourself that they don't but they will. I've read this thread and your posts on the last one and if social services get wind of this (and please God they do) they will be taken away from you, because this is an abusive and unsafe environment for them and you are choosing to be embroiled in it. You are, you left, you could leave again.

I will also say that however much you 'love' him, he really doesn't love you. His behaviour proves that.

If this sounds harsh, I mean it as a wake up, as others have been trying, because your life, awful as it is, could get very much worse.

The OP was told all this about protecting and improving the lives of her children in the last thread. Almost 2 years ago.

This is the worst thing I’ve read on Mumsnet in a long time. It’s heartbreaking.
Op - I hope you find the strength to leave this awful man again.
Please rely on your support network for help. You said something upthread about baking for the mosque. Are you Muslim? Apologies if you have said you are or not before. Can you confide in the elders and ask for their help?
You need to get your children away before they are damaged.
God speed. Xx

You left him before so you know it's possible to try again this time. You can get through this.
Can you call 999 without him knowing and get police to come to the house? Either they'll make him leave or get you and the children somewhere safe. Tell them you don't feel safe around him.
Don't worry about tomorrow, just get yourself and children safe for tonight.

You can show your posts to whoever you need to show how truly awful and dangerous he is. You are worth so much more than how he treats you.

There’s a very strong chance he will kill you or seriously maim you and hurt the children.